THETHIRD

I don't feel anything anymore. I feel fear and despair and I feel insecurity. It's everywhere, just not concrete. Is this what the pills do to me; make me numb, almost straight to the core? And if so: shouldn't that make me feel happy and/or relieved? I have often wondered who I was and what I was about, but now... I feel like I've completely lost myself.
The voices keep coming back. They tell me to purge, because I'm fat. They tell me to drop out of Secondary School as a whole, because I don't get any smarter anyway. They tell me I'm ugly, lazy,- worthless. A waste of space. A waste of air,- a waste of pollution.
I try not to listen to them, even when they say I should cut myself. I always do the opposite of what they say, so this morning when they said I should not cut myself, I cut myself. Harder, deeper,- I have hardly ever been this angry and disappointed with/inn myself. Ever. I had to stop the bleeding with two paper napkins.
But I felt alive.
I felt alive, for the first time since I've been taking my medication. The pain is real,- I am real.
C