SAYTHATYOULOVEME

Ok, so the die-hards have probably noticed 6 posts in a row, all pretty negative and.. Well.. Dark.
You are right.
They are negative and dark and all that.
But this is the seventh post that I wrote in my diary. And it was from today. And it's not as negative :)
(By the way, the previous six posts, were not written over the course of 6 days, but about 3 weeks. I'm not really good at updating diaries, as you can tell.)

So, the seventh post actually has a title, in comparison with the others.

Say that you love me...
..even if it is not true. I don't care if the "love" people feel is real or fake toward me, especially when I'm famous. I mean... Who knows me anyway? I hardly know who I am myself. Sometimes I feel good, other times bad, and this will never change. I will never love myself; that's up to others, regardless of what's behind it.
Say that you'll leave me, because it makes me realise I'm worth sharing before you leave.
Say that you love me; I won't believe you probably, but I know there's a reason (which is probably flattering) behind it.
Slap me in the face, be angry with me, be disappointed... I'll know that you care enough about me to be so crushed by me,- maybe you are the one that really does love me.

Don't get me wrong: I don't want everybody to like/love me (well, actually, I do. I can't deny that. Just you isn't enough, it'll never be. It's not you... It's the rest of the world). But it's really true, what they claim ignorance to be: b l i s s . It really is bliss.
So why let people cause you pain? It doesn't matter what people say or don't say to you; it depends on how open you held the door to your heart for them.
Look, the entire Josh-thing hardly meant anything to me, because it was the "same old, same old" and if you read into it, not even specifically directed toward me. It was only when I found out that it was actually Josh himself, that it hit me and I couldn't stop crying for days and nights to come. Even yesterday... I clasped to my third pillow and cried and cried and cried, until I passed out into an awful nightmare.
You know what? The sun shines, the ocean is a bit clearer than yesterday and life sucks all the same. But you know what else? The pain you feel now is just as real as the happiness was when you felt it. And you only feel this pain, because you let yourself be happy to that certain degree where you got to care about people/things.
Pain is natural; it makes us real and human. It's a part of you, but beware you don't become a part of it. Allow yourself to be hurt, as well as to be happy; to a certain degree.

You'll appreciate many aspects of life a bit more than you do right now, I hope.
Because it's in your right to do so.
Because you're beautiful.

Strength and love,
Camilla