WHOAMI

It happens gradually and then one day, you wake up,- afraid that it might be the first day of your life.

I don't know why, but ever since I've been taking the pills that make me feel better (because, yes, they do make me feel better, even though I still have my ups and downs, of course), I have lost the idea of who I am (and was). I feel like I have to start all over again, choosing characteristics for myself, choosing flaws, choosing virtues.
It may sound weird, but if nothing's wrong with you, you seem kind of boring. Don't get me wrong: I have friends whom are happy almost all the time (or at least they seem it). I would do almost anything to have even one day of my life that seems so careless and free as theirs. But to live a life without any flaws or disorders.. It seems.. Empty. Where is the balance of good and bad? Where is the emotional balance?

If the disorders I am struggling with right now somehow disappear and won't be a part of me anymore, I have no idea of what will be left.
Who will I be? Who was I before the disorders? Who was I before my life became such a mess?
Sometimes I get a glimpse of something that happened and I remember how I reacted to it; it was such a long time ago and I reacted so different to everything, that I don't know if I can change back.
I simply forgot how it was to act the way I acted back then. Can people change back? Or do I have to change forward? If it's the second one: how do I do that? How will I know if I've moved on from something? Will I ever move on, or just hide everything like I've been doing all my life?

I guess that from now on, I'll be rearranging my DNA and will choose my virtues and flaws. I'll be true to myself, as far as I know who that person is. I'll be honest.
I'll be jealous, too dependent on others and over-analytical, but I'll also be caring, talented and smart.
I'll be me.