French Kissing.

Hmm, let me think what I wanted to tell 'you guys' about when I first clicked on 'New Post'.
Oh right. Mon petit ami, il est arrivé!
It was good to see him again. I wondered what it would be like to see, hear, smell, touch and taste again. In my mind, whether I wanted to or not, my mind created about twenty-one hundred and seventy-five different scripts about how it would be when we would first see each other again, after two months of a whole world of distance. Literally.
Some scripts were romantic, some were awkward. A couple of scripts were very physical, whereas there were plenty which merely involved verbal communication. I didn't really know what to expect when he came back.. We haven't been together for a long time. To be exact.. We only started meeting 4 days before he was going to leave Hong Kong.

We made the promise to go to a certain party together, so we could see each other one last time and have a couple of drinks together. I liked him, but I wasn't too sure in what way. Half a year earlier, my heart broke into a zillion pieces over another guy called Tim, which made me confused when I noticed that I wanted to speak more and more to this Tim. (I know, it's very confusing to keep track on both Tims. I'll call my ex TB -Tim Brown- and my boyfriend just Tim from now on.)
On the evening of the party, we didn't go to the party. I knew that TB was going to be there and I didn't want anything to go wrong. I don't go out to get drunk,- I go out to have a nice time with the people I like. I love dancing and I love my friends, so the combination of those two couldn't ruin anything, you should think. But that's not entirely true. Every single time I went out since I've been living in Hong Kong, there was drama. It didn't necessarily have something to do with TB, but most of the times, it did.
So it was quite logical that I didn't want to go, if you ask me. I was quite unstable that day and I couldn't stop thinking about both of the guys involved in this story.
I met up with Tim at Times Square. We would get some ice cream and then decide whether we went to the party or not. Well.. Let's just say that we didn't go. We stayed in Causeway Bay all night long. I had to be home at 2:30, because it was a saturday and I had to go to school on Monday. I called home around a quarter to 3, to tell my mom there were no taxis home, so I was walking to Times Square, because there were always taxis there. 'Okay, but go straight to bed when you get home,' was her reply. I could tell she had already been sleeping a bit. I hung up and smiled. 'Taken care of.'
We stayed at Times Square until 6am and I felt as awake as if it was just a regular day, around 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
We stood in front of the taxis around an hour, if it wasn't any longer. I didn't want to go, he didn't want me to go. We didn't kiss or anything.. But there was a tension. When I finally decided we should both get some sleep so we could meet up later that day again, we pressed our lips against each other. It wasn't romantic. At all.
It was matter-of-factly. As if it was normal,- bound to happen.
I never had that before.

Those 4 days were 4 of the most amazing days I've lived. I wasn't ecstatic; my heart was too broken to be truly, profoundly happy about the situation. But I did feel something flying around in my belly whenever I thought of Tim, I couldn't deny that.
Tim and I aren't physical. We're always talking, about the most stupid and funny things. But also about serious things. Even though we do, however, I don't feel I know him very well. I never know what to expect from him, except for the regular praising phrases. Because yes, I didn't mention this before, but he is my biggest fan.
So.. Even though I know we're not physical, I had scripts with physicalness involved. Indeed, we touched each other. When he saw me he started smiling and we gave each other a long deep hug. Yes, a hug. Not a kiss. The cute thing about it, is that when I wanted to let go of him, he still held me tightly and he smelled my hair. When he finally let go of me, he smiled and said: 'It's good to finally see you.' That's when I started to ramble on about everything and nothing, stupid twat that I am.
We had something to eat (I didn't finish my stuff though, because even though I had only had breakfast yesterday, I didn't feel like eating that much anymore. I guess I waited for too long to eat.) and for dessert, we both had 2 scoops of ice cream. He had the mango ice-cream I love so much and all of a sudden, he fed me! No, seriously. He fed me.
Who does that??!
It was cute. Very cute.
Then.. Eh, what did we do, actually? Oh yes.
We went to IFC Mall, which was already closed, but that didn't matter all that much. We just walked around and then went to IFC roof, which has an amazing view. He saw some bridges and wanted to go check them out and I reluctantly went with him. I was very tired and the Ferry Piers aren't all that, so yeah.. But ok, we went and we had fun. We held each other's hands and that was basically it for the evening.
Before I went on my bus, he kissed me. And I kissed him back. The first kiss has always been the most awkward one; we both don't really seem to know where to go, even though most of my previous kissers told me that I'm a good kisser. It's not that the kisses aren't good, actually. No, the first kisses are awkward. It's very hard to explain.
Anyway. We kissed each other and we kissed each other a couple of times more. Then I got on my bus and he took off to the MTR station to go to the hotel he was staying at in Mong Kok.
We've never french kissed. It just doesn't seem right to do it.


I don't feel in love. And I just know that one of us is going to hurt the other. Considering his great personality and the fact that he is too sweet for this world, that person would be me.
I love him. But that's what hurts. I don't know if I can love him. Not in the way he deserves. He deserves so much more than a girl that waits for him for two months to find out that she's not in love 'but she loves him'. Oh, believe me. He deserves so much more than that.
I cannot be with him without having to feel guilty because I've lost my heart a long time ago and I never really got it back. And it pains me so much more than I can say, because he is just so sweet and amazing. I don't want to hurt him. I cannot hurt him.
But I can't deny the fact that he is too good for me.

I love French kissing.

Bras & Fairwood.

Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. It's horrible.

I went to Central to buy new bras and some clothes and (of course) I succeeded. The bras are very nice, I might post a couple of pics later, and the clothes are vair vair cute. I love them! Okay, so now I'm definitely gonna post pics here, but not right now, because.... My boyfriend is almost arriving! :D

Ok, back to the disgusting part.

I stood there, in the shop, and I was fitting on these clothes. When I looked at myself in the mirror, with the bras on and then the clothes, I was quite happy to see that I've already lost weight. It were those fitting rooms in which you have 3 mirrors; 1 big one and 2 on the side, so you can turn around and look from one mirror into the other to see how everything fits you from every angle. So I could see that I'd lost weight, but too be honest with you.. I already knew it wouldn't be enough. I don't have flabs coming over my jeans, but I was basically constantly turning and turning around to look in all the mirrors if there wasn't 1 fat flab to be noticed. The more I looked in the mirrors, the more disgusted I got and the faster I wanted to leave the shop.

However, this always works contra-logically.

Explanation?

Alrighty.

The thing with me and my body and my weight is, that whenever I'm getting more and more disgusted with myself and whenever I want to see less and less of my body (and face as well, of course), I always look more and more in the mirror. I hate mirrors, I really do. But I'm always checking them out, to see where the fat flabbies are. I'm always checking them out, to get affirmations about the way I look. I need those awful, disgusting mirrors. I need to see those awful, disgusting copies of myself.

It's... Well, yeah.. Awful and disgusting.

& this isn't even the bad part of all that's going on. The bad part, is that my grandmother was with me and she knew that I hadn't had my breakfast yet. Well, she wouldn't have pushed me as much, but she knows I have epilepsy and that I'm on medication for it. I always have to take in the pills right after breakfast; I have to take them in very regularly and try to do it on the same time every morning. But today I hadn't had breakfast, because I had to leave in a hurry (and I didn't want to have breakfast anyway.. I could've made some time to eat, but I noticed I lingered yet longer in front of the mirrors) and therefore, hadn't taken my medication either. As she knew, she wanted to get something to lunch right after I succeeded in buying new clothes. We went to Fairwood and had a meal there.

I used to go to Fairwood's with friends of mine. The food is really, really tasty and the prices are good! We had a good lunch for a total of +- hk$60 (which is less than 6 euros)! The lunches are very cheap, considering the quantity of food.. My grandma and I both had a bowl of soup, a piece of garlic-buttered bread, a bigger bowl of spaghetti (she with chicken steak and I with bolognese sauce) and Chinese iced tea. Vair cheap & vair tasty.

And vair disgusting.

Not as in taste. But as in my behaviour. I decided to lose weight and I did. But what is this? I celebrate with carbs??! Don't think so.

I went to the bathroom and almost everything I ate, found its way out again,- out of my throat, into the toilet-pot.

I'm not proud of what I did, because it almost felt like treason towards my beloved grandmother. I had such a nice time with her and I loved it. But I had to make myself more important again and puke my food out. It's as if I didn't appreciate my time with her, even though she doesn't know about the whole puking-thing.

I feel really terrible about it.

BUT. HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I love the clothes.

And the bras are very tempting, yum!

I c-a-r-e.

Just because I don't know some of the people that say stuff about me in any way whatsoever, doesn't mean I don't care about what they say. On the contrary, I care even more, because they get wrong impressions of me, of who I am. And there is no way to justify those lies..

Rave it up!

These are the pictures of a photoshoot I have done in Holland. The shoot took place around a year ago, in the heart of a cold Amsterdam. The model's name is Anne de Jong and as far as I know, she is not a professional model. She told me she liked to do some modelling 'just for fun', but she didn't want to appear in magazines and on bilboards. I told her she should live undercover then, because she's really pretty and her photos are magnificent, as you can see down here. The pictures were taken for a school project that had to do something with the 8O's. As 8O's were all about COLOURS and NEW RAVE and PUNK, I decided to make pictures in the style of a cd-cover/lyrics booklet. Let me know what you think, I could always use some (constructive!) criticism!

The art you see in the back was made by Anne and me for another school project that we had to do before this one.
Nerd-glasses: Amsterdam Flea-market. T-shirt: Wibra. Necklace: made by me. Legging: Amsterdam Waterloop Plein. Shoes: nameless vintage shop in Amsterdam.

T-shirt: made by Anne. Legging: Portuguese market. Shoes: nameless vintage shop in Amsterdam (although the shoes themselves don't look vintage, they were second hand).

The couch was bought in a second/third/fourth/etc. hand shop in the village we lived in. We bought it together for about 35 euros and after the shoot, I paid Anne her amount in money back and I donated the sofa to my dance academy, because I knew they needed a new one for in the teacher's room.

Again, we made the 'art'.

Necklace: Bershka.

She was actually not naked here, only topless. The painting was made especially for this ocassion, so be thankful!

Ring: Amsterdam Waterloop Plein. Scarf: nameless vintage shop in Amsterdam. T-shirt: made by Anne. Bubbles: Wibra.

Glasses: Hong Kong Stanley market. Hat/cap/whatever: my grandmother's. Tube-top: Fornarina.

Just before going out. I wouldn't know where she got this T-shirt from, actually. I want to have it!! Haha.

T-shirt: Didi. Gilet: Mango. Scarf: Amsterdam Waterloop Plein. Jeans: I believe G-Star.Shoes: K.Swiss limited edition.

I can do this.

There has been more talk about the possibility of moving back to Holland. A couple of new issues have risen up, though, which don't really make the situation any easier.. On the contrary.

Last Friday, my father got two phone-calls from the Netherlands about two completely different subjects. These two subjects, however, are completely parallel and they are linked to each other in this case.
So what were the phone-calls about, you ask? Well, the first call was from our estate agent in Holland, to give us some wonderful news about the state of our house: we have bidders! Considering the fact that economy is doing very, very strange things at the moment and it's the most awful time to try to sell/buy a house, I think we can consider ourselves to be pretty damn lucky.
Yes, that's what I said: pretty damn lucky.
What's wrong with me? Ha. Nothing. I just haven't told you the rest of the story. Remember: there is one phone-call I haven't told you about left!
That phone-call came just before we were about to have dinner. It was around half past 9 in the evening and my father had just arrived home. The look on his face while he spoke on the phone was a mixture of different emotions,- excitement, curiosity, despair and even irritation took place in his eyes and his whole body language told me to get out of the room. Later that evening, I understood why.
Apparently, he was offered a new job in the same company, but in its Dutch branch. The job is even better than the one he already has (considering power he has and salary, because that's what people look at, of course d:) and he seems to be quite excited about it. Basically: it's what he has been working for since he joined the company/branch Fortis (Insurancies).
If he would call Holland up this very moment to tell them he wants the job, he can start that job the day after tomorrow, if necessary. That's how it goes!
One thing: my family doesn't want to go back to Holland. My father is content with his situation here in Hong Kong and he can still see himself happy in about two years time. My mother doesn't feel home in Holland at all and gets rather nauseated by the mere idea of moving back. I don't want to go back, because I feel like a left-out in Holland,- it's the most terrible place for people like me. I earned all the Portuguese blood, I think, because my sister, on the opposite, wouldn't mind moving back.
Taking in consideration that we would move in a year anyway (to either Shanghai, Bangkok, Bombai or Pune), she says she would rather move straight away than in a year, because it will only be harder. In a year time, she will also have started GCSE preparations (she's in year 9 now), which will then be a waste of time, to be honest. She's really Dutch and wouldn't mind at all to go back to her roots.

My parents understand the situation I am in, however, and they don't want me to swap schools now and then again in a year and a half. They know I have no problems with adapting and making new friends, but they see that my life has become a lot more stable since we have been living here. As I told you in my introduction: my life is one big failure. It actually used to be a lot worse than it is at the moment. I do really well in school now; not because it is easier, no, on the contrary! It's a lot more demanding, but I don't care! It seems that my self-discipline has grown for a great deal and I am glad that my parents realise that as well. I'm even happier about the fact that they take that serious for once. They take it serious enough to consider me staying here, when (if) they move back to Holland.
As I am already 18, I would only need a student-visa, but for the rest there should be no problem with me living on my own in Hong Kong. Of course it will be hard, hard as a rock in the beginning! But I think that my school will be there for me, might I need it. Especially my tutor is a very understanding and helpful man who already has supported me with various things.

We might be able to work something out here! I really hope so, at least.
I think I can do it and I want to show my parents how much I want everything. And besides that: that I can do it.


I haven't eaten a lot this weekend.
As I work at a well-known, busy restaurant in Stanley, I'm always running up and down, from the left to the right. On Saturdays, I start at 11am and I'm done around 10pm (I leave around 11, though, because we stay for a drink most of the time). On Sundays I work from 11am till 8pm (and I go home around 9). Lunch should be around 3pm, but sometimes (especially on the Sundays) it's so busy, that there simply isn't any time for anyone to go on a break. This weekend was quite busy as well, but not crazy busy or anything.. Nothing special.
On Saturday, I had a couple of chicken wings for lunch. For breakfast I had had one breadroll, which I dipped into hot milk. I didn't have dinner, because I wasn't hungry. & to be honest.. I didn't want to eat. I was online with my boyfriend in England till 2am (time-difference) and when I logged off, my stomach was rumbling a bit, but I didn't eat anything, because the metabolism basically stops while you're sleeping/lying down, so that would mean I would only gain more weight. Gahh.
I didn't have breakfast on Sunday and my 'lunch' was at 5:15pm (5:13 actually, but let's be casual for a change). I ordered the African Chicken (which is delicious, I must say!), but I didn't eat it. I had one bite, to taste it and then told my friend Shreya I didn't like it, so I didn't have to eat it. She ate it for me and I had two or three small cubes of potato.
It was really good, but I don't regret not having eaten more of my meal. I seriously wasn't hungry and I really need to loose a bit of weight. At the time I may have felt a bit empty in the stomach, but that's different from actually being hungry, isn't it?
I didn't have dinner afterwards. My parents asked me if I had already eaten anything at work and I told them I had the African Chicken for dinner and a kids pizza for lunch.
It was worth it.
Even though I felt empty on the inside, I also felt strong, because of my resistance.
I can still do this. As long as I really want it and really go for it, I can still do this.


I can still do this.

Universities and bitter wine.

About two weeks ago, something terrible happened again.

Well, it doesn't necessarily have to be terrible for me in particular, but it might be.

The half of the Dutch company Fortis with which my father had a contract so he could work in Hong Kong, has been sold. We don't know yet if this means we will have to move back to Holland, but it might mean it. It might and it might not. It's very unclear at the moment and we don't have any percentages whatsoever on the chances of staying/leaving.

The thing is, that I've had to re-do 2 years of secondary school in Holland already, due to illness. I don't want to have to go back and re-do another year!! I'm 'slightly' panicking here..

I've always wanted to go to either Princeton or Sarah Lawrence, as for universities. Considering the fact that these are both in the United States, means that I wouldn't necessarily have to follow the International Baccalaureate (let's call it IB from now on; that's a tad easier (; ). So if, for example, my father would have to go back to Holland in a month or two, my mother and sister would go along. I would most probably stay in Hong Kong, by myself, to at least finish this school year (year 12). I would have to get a student visa though, because even though I'm already 18 years old, I still go to secondary school and you cannot go to secondary school unless you have a special visa. Don't ask. It's really complicated to explain.

Gah.

Anyway. Back to the story.

I might stay on my own in the 852, to either finish year 12 or to finish the whole IB course (so year 12 AND year 13).

What you might wonder, is why this is a problem. As long as I can finish one of both years, there shouldn't be a problem, should there? Well, you're wrong. There is a problem either way, because I have to apply to universities.

These universities are not 'just universities'. Oh no. Princeton is one of the infamous Ivy League unis and to top that off: it's the hardest to get into and the most expensive one. Oh yes, I have good taste, no doubt about it. If my parents are happy with that is doubtful at the moment.

Sarah Lawrence is even a bit more expensive than Princeton (I would never have thought that, actually, but some research has astonished me o:), even though it's not one of the eight Ivy League schools. I've looked up various lists, e.g. 'Top 100 Universities Worldwide' and 'Top 500 Universities Worldwide'. Harvard (US), Yale (US) and Cambridge (UK) are in the top 3 and Princeton is about the 8th university on the lists. But the odd thing about this whole situation is, that I don't seem to be able to find Sarah Lawrence anywhere. It's as if they don't want to exist, when it comes to comparisons with other universities. I don't know where to look for the right information. I don't know where to turn, what to do. I have no idea what I'm doing, actually.

The good thing about Sarah Lawrence is that I don't have to take the SAT tests and this is a good thing, because:

x. It will take up a lot of my time, which I really do not have at the moment.

x. My principles are against the SAT-system; I think the whole idea of taking a couple of 2-hour-tests is ridiculous and it has hardly anything to do with being a (good/bad) student.

Another very good thing about Sarah Lawrence is that there are only 1100/1200 students on campus. This is very, very small, considering it is a university and it's exactly what I'm looking for! I want to know people around me, I don't want to feel like a number! In my opinion, Sarah Lawrence seems to fit great to the shape of my person, as the student/teacher ratio is 6:1!! It almost seems incredible! SL also gives students the opportunity to go on a 6 or 12 months exchange. As I am really interested in such possibilities, this fact makes the university (that is only 30 minutes from NYC btw!) even more appealing to me than it already was before. Even thinking about it now, makes me feel like going there right this instant! I would give anything...

The good things about Princeton, are that there are at least comparisons to other universities and that it is one of the Ivy League unis. My great idol F. Scott Fitzgerald (yes, that is a writer) went to Princeton and to be honest.. This influences my view on the university. Of course it is quite weak to say such a thing and I can't really base my feelings on the fact that 'some writer' went to the uni a long time ago, but those feelings are present and indeed they are very positive and strong.

However Sarah Lawrence and Princeton are my definite number 1 universities, I am also interested in the universities of Dartmouth (US), Columbia (US), Brown (US), Melbourne (AUS) and Maastricht (NL).

The situation is so tiring. I get tired even if I only think of the fact that we might have to move. Then it's tiring to think that I might stay to finish year 12 and I might stay to finish year 13. If I am only staying to do year 12, I have to apply for universities really soon. The situation is rather urgent and, actually.. I have to apply right now. Although this year's year 13 students have already applied for their universities next year, I don't even have an idea how to compare Sarah Lawrence to the other universities!! And even if I wouldn't look at Sarah Lawrence at all, it would still be a bitch to be applying 'urgently', because the next SATs are only in December/January: I need the results now!!

Oh, and even if I get the results quickly and even if they are really, really, exceptionally good in a way that even Princeton would get blinded by them and accept me as one of their students for the Creative Writing or the Literature course, I would need more from my current secondary school. I only have 7 GCSE results at the moment (4 A*s, 2 As and 1 C -for Maths Foundation, so I couldn't get higher, even though I had 100%, hahaha d:) and even the Head of Careers at my school said that that was very, very thin to base an application for a university on (especially Ivy League ones and the ones that do not require SAT scores such as liberal arts unis like Sarah Lawrence or Denison, for example).

SO YES, OF COURSE I AM PANICKING.

It's all so confusing and hectic.. It just makes me want to cry, because I don't have any control whatsoever over the situation. In the meanwhile, I have to keep smiling and keep doing the best I can at South Island School. I need amazing predicted grades, in case I might have to apply in a couple of months already, even though I feel like sleeping every single second I'm in school. The workload is getting heavier and heavier and even though the assignments of IB are a lot of fun, I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore, because of all that is going on...

For CAS, I am in the school play Sweeney Todd. We have so many rehearsals that it's not even funny anymore. I love it when I'm there, but when I'm on the bus on my way home after rehearsals, I always fall asleep and I have to pay attention not to miss my bus stop.

I walk down my hill almost every single day and I can't get rest on any day of the week, because I also have a job (a very hectical one; I'm a waitress at the restaurant 'the Boathouse' in Stanley). Same as with the IB-thing: it's a lot of fun, but really tiring at the same time.

Oh, talking about fun btw! Hehehe. Tim is coming in 8 days from now! He is staying in Hong Kong for a week, because he has a holiday.

Tim is my boyfriend (: that lives in England ): I'm basically saving money for next summer's holiday, because we want to go on a holiday together, if we're still together by then (: I'm pretty positive about still being with him over summer, but I don't know if I'll get all the money together though.. I really have to scrape it together! Haha. We want to go to Italy and Portugal (housing in Portugal is no problem, because we have 3 houses there d:), but Italy can be quite expensive and my plane-tickets are very expensive ):

But yes. Working very hard at the restaurant to get that sorted (: Let's hope it's worth it all.

Can't wait till he's here!! :D Finally something to actually look forward to! :D

But on the other hand.... It's the week before the school musical is on, so I'll have to be in school every single day till 5/half past 5. I will only see him in the evenings ):

Bugger.

Ah well.. I guess it's better than nothing (:

..like the amount of really helpful information I've got on the universities right now -.-'

The combination of the Merlot and the pasta I had for dinner was bitter in such a way that I ended up making myself throw up. I know I shouldn't feel happy about throwing up, but at least I had something under control. Suddenly, I feel the strange urge of becoming more and more bulimic again. I always feel like I miss it, when I throw up less times than usually, but especially now,- my life feels really empty without it.

I don't know if this is going in the right direction, or the wrong one.

But I can guess and I don't like what my conscience is telling me.

I wish I could talk to someone.