Universities and bitter wine.

About two weeks ago, something terrible happened again.

Well, it doesn't necessarily have to be terrible for me in particular, but it might be.

The half of the Dutch company Fortis with which my father had a contract so he could work in Hong Kong, has been sold. We don't know yet if this means we will have to move back to Holland, but it might mean it. It might and it might not. It's very unclear at the moment and we don't have any percentages whatsoever on the chances of staying/leaving.

The thing is, that I've had to re-do 2 years of secondary school in Holland already, due to illness. I don't want to have to go back and re-do another year!! I'm 'slightly' panicking here..

I've always wanted to go to either Princeton or Sarah Lawrence, as for universities. Considering the fact that these are both in the United States, means that I wouldn't necessarily have to follow the International Baccalaureate (let's call it IB from now on; that's a tad easier (; ). So if, for example, my father would have to go back to Holland in a month or two, my mother and sister would go along. I would most probably stay in Hong Kong, by myself, to at least finish this school year (year 12). I would have to get a student visa though, because even though I'm already 18 years old, I still go to secondary school and you cannot go to secondary school unless you have a special visa. Don't ask. It's really complicated to explain.

Gah.

Anyway. Back to the story.

I might stay on my own in the 852, to either finish year 12 or to finish the whole IB course (so year 12 AND year 13).

What you might wonder, is why this is a problem. As long as I can finish one of both years, there shouldn't be a problem, should there? Well, you're wrong. There is a problem either way, because I have to apply to universities.

These universities are not 'just universities'. Oh no. Princeton is one of the infamous Ivy League unis and to top that off: it's the hardest to get into and the most expensive one. Oh yes, I have good taste, no doubt about it. If my parents are happy with that is doubtful at the moment.

Sarah Lawrence is even a bit more expensive than Princeton (I would never have thought that, actually, but some research has astonished me o:), even though it's not one of the eight Ivy League schools. I've looked up various lists, e.g. 'Top 100 Universities Worldwide' and 'Top 500 Universities Worldwide'. Harvard (US), Yale (US) and Cambridge (UK) are in the top 3 and Princeton is about the 8th university on the lists. But the odd thing about this whole situation is, that I don't seem to be able to find Sarah Lawrence anywhere. It's as if they don't want to exist, when it comes to comparisons with other universities. I don't know where to look for the right information. I don't know where to turn, what to do. I have no idea what I'm doing, actually.

The good thing about Sarah Lawrence is that I don't have to take the SAT tests and this is a good thing, because:

x. It will take up a lot of my time, which I really do not have at the moment.

x. My principles are against the SAT-system; I think the whole idea of taking a couple of 2-hour-tests is ridiculous and it has hardly anything to do with being a (good/bad) student.

Another very good thing about Sarah Lawrence is that there are only 1100/1200 students on campus. This is very, very small, considering it is a university and it's exactly what I'm looking for! I want to know people around me, I don't want to feel like a number! In my opinion, Sarah Lawrence seems to fit great to the shape of my person, as the student/teacher ratio is 6:1!! It almost seems incredible! SL also gives students the opportunity to go on a 6 or 12 months exchange. As I am really interested in such possibilities, this fact makes the university (that is only 30 minutes from NYC btw!) even more appealing to me than it already was before. Even thinking about it now, makes me feel like going there right this instant! I would give anything...

The good things about Princeton, are that there are at least comparisons to other universities and that it is one of the Ivy League unis. My great idol F. Scott Fitzgerald (yes, that is a writer) went to Princeton and to be honest.. This influences my view on the university. Of course it is quite weak to say such a thing and I can't really base my feelings on the fact that 'some writer' went to the uni a long time ago, but those feelings are present and indeed they are very positive and strong.

However Sarah Lawrence and Princeton are my definite number 1 universities, I am also interested in the universities of Dartmouth (US), Columbia (US), Brown (US), Melbourne (AUS) and Maastricht (NL).

The situation is so tiring. I get tired even if I only think of the fact that we might have to move. Then it's tiring to think that I might stay to finish year 12 and I might stay to finish year 13. If I am only staying to do year 12, I have to apply for universities really soon. The situation is rather urgent and, actually.. I have to apply right now. Although this year's year 13 students have already applied for their universities next year, I don't even have an idea how to compare Sarah Lawrence to the other universities!! And even if I wouldn't look at Sarah Lawrence at all, it would still be a bitch to be applying 'urgently', because the next SATs are only in December/January: I need the results now!!

Oh, and even if I get the results quickly and even if they are really, really, exceptionally good in a way that even Princeton would get blinded by them and accept me as one of their students for the Creative Writing or the Literature course, I would need more from my current secondary school. I only have 7 GCSE results at the moment (4 A*s, 2 As and 1 C -for Maths Foundation, so I couldn't get higher, even though I had 100%, hahaha d:) and even the Head of Careers at my school said that that was very, very thin to base an application for a university on (especially Ivy League ones and the ones that do not require SAT scores such as liberal arts unis like Sarah Lawrence or Denison, for example).

SO YES, OF COURSE I AM PANICKING.

It's all so confusing and hectic.. It just makes me want to cry, because I don't have any control whatsoever over the situation. In the meanwhile, I have to keep smiling and keep doing the best I can at South Island School. I need amazing predicted grades, in case I might have to apply in a couple of months already, even though I feel like sleeping every single second I'm in school. The workload is getting heavier and heavier and even though the assignments of IB are a lot of fun, I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore, because of all that is going on...

For CAS, I am in the school play Sweeney Todd. We have so many rehearsals that it's not even funny anymore. I love it when I'm there, but when I'm on the bus on my way home after rehearsals, I always fall asleep and I have to pay attention not to miss my bus stop.

I walk down my hill almost every single day and I can't get rest on any day of the week, because I also have a job (a very hectical one; I'm a waitress at the restaurant 'the Boathouse' in Stanley). Same as with the IB-thing: it's a lot of fun, but really tiring at the same time.

Oh, talking about fun btw! Hehehe. Tim is coming in 8 days from now! He is staying in Hong Kong for a week, because he has a holiday.

Tim is my boyfriend (: that lives in England ): I'm basically saving money for next summer's holiday, because we want to go on a holiday together, if we're still together by then (: I'm pretty positive about still being with him over summer, but I don't know if I'll get all the money together though.. I really have to scrape it together! Haha. We want to go to Italy and Portugal (housing in Portugal is no problem, because we have 3 houses there d:), but Italy can be quite expensive and my plane-tickets are very expensive ):

But yes. Working very hard at the restaurant to get that sorted (: Let's hope it's worth it all.

Can't wait till he's here!! :D Finally something to actually look forward to! :D

But on the other hand.... It's the week before the school musical is on, so I'll have to be in school every single day till 5/half past 5. I will only see him in the evenings ):

Bugger.

Ah well.. I guess it's better than nothing (:

..like the amount of really helpful information I've got on the universities right now -.-'

The combination of the Merlot and the pasta I had for dinner was bitter in such a way that I ended up making myself throw up. I know I shouldn't feel happy about throwing up, but at least I had something under control. Suddenly, I feel the strange urge of becoming more and more bulimic again. I always feel like I miss it, when I throw up less times than usually, but especially now,- my life feels really empty without it.

I don't know if this is going in the right direction, or the wrong one.

But I can guess and I don't like what my conscience is telling me.

I wish I could talk to someone.