French Kissing.

Hmm, let me think what I wanted to tell 'you guys' about when I first clicked on 'New Post'.
Oh right. Mon petit ami, il est arrivé!
It was good to see him again. I wondered what it would be like to see, hear, smell, touch and taste again. In my mind, whether I wanted to or not, my mind created about twenty-one hundred and seventy-five different scripts about how it would be when we would first see each other again, after two months of a whole world of distance. Literally.
Some scripts were romantic, some were awkward. A couple of scripts were very physical, whereas there were plenty which merely involved verbal communication. I didn't really know what to expect when he came back.. We haven't been together for a long time. To be exact.. We only started meeting 4 days before he was going to leave Hong Kong.

We made the promise to go to a certain party together, so we could see each other one last time and have a couple of drinks together. I liked him, but I wasn't too sure in what way. Half a year earlier, my heart broke into a zillion pieces over another guy called Tim, which made me confused when I noticed that I wanted to speak more and more to this Tim. (I know, it's very confusing to keep track on both Tims. I'll call my ex TB -Tim Brown- and my boyfriend just Tim from now on.)
On the evening of the party, we didn't go to the party. I knew that TB was going to be there and I didn't want anything to go wrong. I don't go out to get drunk,- I go out to have a nice time with the people I like. I love dancing and I love my friends, so the combination of those two couldn't ruin anything, you should think. But that's not entirely true. Every single time I went out since I've been living in Hong Kong, there was drama. It didn't necessarily have something to do with TB, but most of the times, it did.
So it was quite logical that I didn't want to go, if you ask me. I was quite unstable that day and I couldn't stop thinking about both of the guys involved in this story.
I met up with Tim at Times Square. We would get some ice cream and then decide whether we went to the party or not. Well.. Let's just say that we didn't go. We stayed in Causeway Bay all night long. I had to be home at 2:30, because it was a saturday and I had to go to school on Monday. I called home around a quarter to 3, to tell my mom there were no taxis home, so I was walking to Times Square, because there were always taxis there. 'Okay, but go straight to bed when you get home,' was her reply. I could tell she had already been sleeping a bit. I hung up and smiled. 'Taken care of.'
We stayed at Times Square until 6am and I felt as awake as if it was just a regular day, around 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
We stood in front of the taxis around an hour, if it wasn't any longer. I didn't want to go, he didn't want me to go. We didn't kiss or anything.. But there was a tension. When I finally decided we should both get some sleep so we could meet up later that day again, we pressed our lips against each other. It wasn't romantic. At all.
It was matter-of-factly. As if it was normal,- bound to happen.
I never had that before.

Those 4 days were 4 of the most amazing days I've lived. I wasn't ecstatic; my heart was too broken to be truly, profoundly happy about the situation. But I did feel something flying around in my belly whenever I thought of Tim, I couldn't deny that.
Tim and I aren't physical. We're always talking, about the most stupid and funny things. But also about serious things. Even though we do, however, I don't feel I know him very well. I never know what to expect from him, except for the regular praising phrases. Because yes, I didn't mention this before, but he is my biggest fan.
So.. Even though I know we're not physical, I had scripts with physicalness involved. Indeed, we touched each other. When he saw me he started smiling and we gave each other a long deep hug. Yes, a hug. Not a kiss. The cute thing about it, is that when I wanted to let go of him, he still held me tightly and he smelled my hair. When he finally let go of me, he smiled and said: 'It's good to finally see you.' That's when I started to ramble on about everything and nothing, stupid twat that I am.
We had something to eat (I didn't finish my stuff though, because even though I had only had breakfast yesterday, I didn't feel like eating that much anymore. I guess I waited for too long to eat.) and for dessert, we both had 2 scoops of ice cream. He had the mango ice-cream I love so much and all of a sudden, he fed me! No, seriously. He fed me.
Who does that??!
It was cute. Very cute.
Then.. Eh, what did we do, actually? Oh yes.
We went to IFC Mall, which was already closed, but that didn't matter all that much. We just walked around and then went to IFC roof, which has an amazing view. He saw some bridges and wanted to go check them out and I reluctantly went with him. I was very tired and the Ferry Piers aren't all that, so yeah.. But ok, we went and we had fun. We held each other's hands and that was basically it for the evening.
Before I went on my bus, he kissed me. And I kissed him back. The first kiss has always been the most awkward one; we both don't really seem to know where to go, even though most of my previous kissers told me that I'm a good kisser. It's not that the kisses aren't good, actually. No, the first kisses are awkward. It's very hard to explain.
Anyway. We kissed each other and we kissed each other a couple of times more. Then I got on my bus and he took off to the MTR station to go to the hotel he was staying at in Mong Kok.
We've never french kissed. It just doesn't seem right to do it.


I don't feel in love. And I just know that one of us is going to hurt the other. Considering his great personality and the fact that he is too sweet for this world, that person would be me.
I love him. But that's what hurts. I don't know if I can love him. Not in the way he deserves. He deserves so much more than a girl that waits for him for two months to find out that she's not in love 'but she loves him'. Oh, believe me. He deserves so much more than that.
I cannot be with him without having to feel guilty because I've lost my heart a long time ago and I never really got it back. And it pains me so much more than I can say, because he is just so sweet and amazing. I don't want to hurt him. I cannot hurt him.
But I can't deny the fact that he is too good for me.

I love French kissing.