I went to Central to buy new bras and some clothes and (of course) I succeeded. The bras are very nice, I might post a couple of pics later, and the clothes are vair vair cute. I love them! Okay, so now I'm definitely gonna post pics here, but not right now, because.... My boyfriend is almost arriving! :D
Ok, back to the disgusting part.
I stood there, in the shop, and I was fitting on these clothes. When I looked at myself in the mirror, with the bras on and then the clothes, I was quite happy to see that I've already lost weight. It were those fitting rooms in which you have 3 mirrors; 1 big one and 2 on the side, so you can turn around and look from one mirror into the other to see how everything fits you from every angle. So I could see that I'd lost weight, but too be honest with you.. I already knew it wouldn't be enough. I don't have flabs coming over my jeans, but I was basically constantly turning and turning around to look in all the mirrors if there wasn't 1 fat flab to be noticed. The more I looked in the mirrors, the more disgusted I got and the faster I wanted to leave the shop.
However, this always works contra-logically.
Explanation?
Alrighty.
The thing with me and my body and my weight is, that whenever I'm getting more and more disgusted with myself and whenever I want to see less and less of my body (and face as well, of course), I always look more and more in the mirror. I hate mirrors, I really do. But I'm always checking them out, to see where the fat flabbies are. I'm always checking them out, to get affirmations about the way I look. I need those awful, disgusting mirrors. I need to see those awful, disgusting copies of myself.
It's... Well, yeah.. Awful and disgusting.
& this isn't even the bad part of all that's going on. The bad part, is that my grandmother was with me and she knew that I hadn't had my breakfast yet. Well, she wouldn't have pushed me as much, but she knows I have epilepsy and that I'm on medication for it. I always have to take in the pills right after breakfast; I have to take them in very regularly and try to do it on the same time every morning. But today I hadn't had breakfast, because I had to leave in a hurry (and I didn't want to have breakfast anyway.. I could've made some time to eat, but I noticed I lingered yet longer in front of the mirrors) and therefore, hadn't taken my medication either. As she knew, she wanted to get something to lunch right after I succeeded in buying new clothes. We went to Fairwood and had a meal there.
I used to go to Fairwood's with friends of mine. The food is really, really tasty and the prices are good! We had a good lunch for a total of +- hk$60 (which is less than 6 euros)! The lunches are very cheap, considering the quantity of food.. My grandma and I both had a bowl of soup, a piece of garlic-buttered bread, a bigger bowl of spaghetti (she with chicken steak and I with bolognese sauce) and Chinese iced tea. Vair cheap & vair tasty.
And vair disgusting.
Not as in taste. But as in my behaviour. I decided to lose weight and I did. But what is this? I celebrate with carbs??! Don't think so.
I went to the bathroom and almost everything I ate, found its way out again,- out of my throat, into the toilet-pot.
I'm not proud of what I did, because it almost felt like treason towards my beloved grandmother. I had such a nice time with her and I loved it. But I had to make myself more important again and puke my food out. It's as if I didn't appreciate my time with her, even though she doesn't know about the whole puking-thing.
I feel really terrible about it.
BUT. HAPPY THOUGHTS.
I love the clothes.
And the bras are very tempting, yum!
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