THEFIFTH

It can't be the pills,- I'm taking them to feel better, not worse. But instead, self-inflicted pain makes my sweat feel better and better. I feel like I'm going insane,- literally. I've been through a lot, but this is the first time in my life that I don't feel.. sane. Not anymore. I have memory gaps, weird thoughts, dizziness, I daze off, space out, etc. etc. It is hard to explain to a sane person what "insane" feels like. It's not just hard; it's impossible.
I see the disappointment in my mother's eyes; she was ecstatic when I just got my medication. But it's not having the effect it's supposed to have, or at least not the effect she thought it would have. I want to feel what she wants me to feel; I'm ashamed for not feeling it. Look at me: a ghost. Not just a ghost. No, I'm a ghost of the perception of what I used to be.
I'm not really living life anymore. I'm living in a shadow and everyday, I wonder yet again: "What is wrong with me?" The answer is always the same: "I don't know."
And still, what I become more and more aware of, is how I do not belong here.
C