Do you know what it feels like, to be loved and then spit out, just to be chewed on all over again, in order to get spit out again?
Do you know what it feels like, to find a pattern in the kind of people who you're not on speaking terms with anymore (namely: your former best and closest mates)?
Do you know what it feels like, to just lie still in bed every night and wonder about your puzzle of life; to wonder what piece you are?
Every day, I wonder if I'm the missing or the superfluous piece.
Every day, I wonder if I never had enough impact on others to really be noticed or if they just didn't like me good enough to keep me and decided I should no longer bother them.
Every day, I remind myself of the missing piece and the missing peace.
The only thing that gets me through another day, another day and yet another, is the thought that I was someone's missing piece,- That I didn't have an impact on them; that I didn't change anything.
That would make my life unfulfilled and suicide a cowardice.
I don't want to be the missing piece anymore,
I want to fit, finally fit.
So, yes, I pray. I pray to God that someday I'll find out what piece I really am. I pray that others find this out as well. And maybe that'll give me some peace.
I just pray to the same dear God that I'm not the missing piece.
27.6.09
FRIEND
I have a friend.
His name is Harrison.
He lives all the way in Vancouver.
He used to go to South Island School, but left before I got there.
We met virtually, because of his amazing photography, and never stopped talking.
I've trusted him with everything.
Heart. Soul. My entire human being.
He's my friend.
He's in Hong Kong right now.
He's amazing- the perfect person for me to be friends with.
Except that I might ruin everything.
Or he.
He's my friend.
And by being here, I've only come more to the conclusion that what he holds is way more than just my heart, my soul and my being.
He holds the power to tear everything apart. He holds the power to destroy the little that's left of me.
And you know why?
Because he's my friend.
A real friend.
His name is Harrison.
He lives all the way in Vancouver.
He used to go to South Island School, but left before I got there.
We met virtually, because of his amazing photography, and never stopped talking.
I've trusted him with everything.
Heart. Soul. My entire human being.
He's my friend.
He's in Hong Kong right now.
He's amazing- the perfect person for me to be friends with.
Except that I might ruin everything.
Or he.
He's my friend.
And by being here, I've only come more to the conclusion that what he holds is way more than just my heart, my soul and my being.
He holds the power to tear everything apart. He holds the power to destroy the little that's left of me.
And you know why?
Because he's my friend.
A real friend.
24.6.09
LOVEISGONE
What is it with people?
If one would ought to describe what love is, most people would fervently agree if one would mention the word 'trust'.
I once read something that would later on become my motto when it came to love:
So love equals trust. It is the key factor when it comes to love: both loving and being loved revolve around trust. So why are people not trustworthy anymore? Did they decide to just wake up one day and stop loving?
It's funny (well.. "funny") how the people you love best and trust most, can end up breaking your heart unintentionally like no one else could possibly even dream of doing.
I find myself writing more: a lot of diary entries and a couple of letters I will never send. The thing about diaries is that they can't hurt your already damaged heart. It's always there for you, keeping your most precious memories alive and the uttermost deep secrets secret. The thing about letters is that they make you vulnerable: you express emotion in them and share a little piece of yourself with the person reading your letter. That's why my letters are for strangers: I don't know them, there is no attachment or bond that can be broken, yet I give them something precious; something no one else has but me. I give them an idea of what my soul looks like.
It's easy to confide in a stranger, both anonymously and identified. Someone out there heard you, knows your secret; you got it off your chest and don't have to worry about getting hurt, because what power does a stranger have over you, really?
I love strangers, because I can trust them. And that heals. I'm only afraid of 'real' friends, because they have that power,- the power to destory you on the inside.
So think to yourself who would be a better friend to love: your best friend, whom you trust and/but of whom you know (s)he is going to hurt you in the end, one way or another (whether it is intentionally done so or not doesn't matter)? Or the stranger, next to you on the bus or in the train, who will keep your secret forever?
I love strangers. They're my best friends, whom I just haven't met before.
If one would ought to describe what love is, most people would fervently agree if one would mention the word 'trust'.
I once read something that would later on become my motto when it came to love:
"Love means trusting someone enough they have the opportunity to break your heart, but trusting them not to."
So love equals trust. It is the key factor when it comes to love: both loving and being loved revolve around trust. So why are people not trustworthy anymore? Did they decide to just wake up one day and stop loving?
It's funny (well.. "funny") how the people you love best and trust most, can end up breaking your heart unintentionally like no one else could possibly even dream of doing.
I find myself writing more: a lot of diary entries and a couple of letters I will never send. The thing about diaries is that they can't hurt your already damaged heart. It's always there for you, keeping your most precious memories alive and the uttermost deep secrets secret. The thing about letters is that they make you vulnerable: you express emotion in them and share a little piece of yourself with the person reading your letter. That's why my letters are for strangers: I don't know them, there is no attachment or bond that can be broken, yet I give them something precious; something no one else has but me. I give them an idea of what my soul looks like.
It's easy to confide in a stranger, both anonymously and identified. Someone out there heard you, knows your secret; you got it off your chest and don't have to worry about getting hurt, because what power does a stranger have over you, really?
I love strangers, because I can trust them. And that heals. I'm only afraid of 'real' friends, because they have that power,- the power to destory you on the inside.
So think to yourself who would be a better friend to love: your best friend, whom you trust and/but of whom you know (s)he is going to hurt you in the end, one way or another (whether it is intentionally done so or not doesn't matter)? Or the stranger, next to you on the bus or in the train, who will keep your secret forever?
I love strangers. They're my best friends, whom I just haven't met before.
23.6.09
2NDAUDITION
My audition for The Urban Dance Festival was yesterday. It was very interesting, because the type of dance, is 'site specific dance', which means that it is contemporary in the way that it is based on a certain place where you dance. For example on a grass field or in between two walls. You get to think of all the movements yourself in this project and you choreograph the end piece yourself, which is absolutely awesome!
The audition itself was kind of like a workshop, because we were very free in what we did. It was based on the idea of evolving into candyfloss. The first 10 minutes we talked about the characteristics of candyfloss and then the director (Lindsay McAllister) would name certain characteristics and we would have to dance according to the word she'd have said (for example: light, sticky, sweet, melting, etc.).
After doing that, we had to choreograph our own dance, according to those characteristics. The time we got to do it, was about 10 minutes and it had to be 4 times 8 counts long. That's not very long, but it was hard to think of something that was strong, especially in comparison to some of the other dancers that were very innovative. In the end, I think I did pretty well, because my dance was pretty strong :)
After the individual dances, we had to pair up with 2 other people, so everybody would end up in a group of 3. The same assessment was given: choreograph 4 times 8 counts. It was super cool! The girls I danced with were very good and our choreography was very nice, if I may say so. Some of the choreographies were nice, but didn't work well, because the people didn't work well together and some of the others were kinda boring. I'm not saying we were the best, because we weren't. But I am quite happy with how we did. Especially with how I did overall.
Like I said before, I didn't expect to get a call back for just a dance based project, but I did anyway, so now I really want it! :)
The call back is between now and 2 weeks, so I'll be nervous every single time I open my inbox and see I have unread messages, but that's ok. It's all part of it. And besides.. I'll be busy dancing, singing and acting my ass off for the show of the 30th of June and then I'll be off to Holland, where I'll probably won't be able to check my e-mail all that often, because I don't have internet connection at home anymore and I'll be busy all the time anyway. Hopefully it'll all get my mind of it, haha.
I'm so nervous! Let's hope for the best!!
The audition itself was kind of like a workshop, because we were very free in what we did. It was based on the idea of evolving into candyfloss. The first 10 minutes we talked about the characteristics of candyfloss and then the director (Lindsay McAllister) would name certain characteristics and we would have to dance according to the word she'd have said (for example: light, sticky, sweet, melting, etc.).
After doing that, we had to choreograph our own dance, according to those characteristics. The time we got to do it, was about 10 minutes and it had to be 4 times 8 counts long. That's not very long, but it was hard to think of something that was strong, especially in comparison to some of the other dancers that were very innovative. In the end, I think I did pretty well, because my dance was pretty strong :)
After the individual dances, we had to pair up with 2 other people, so everybody would end up in a group of 3. The same assessment was given: choreograph 4 times 8 counts. It was super cool! The girls I danced with were very good and our choreography was very nice, if I may say so. Some of the choreographies were nice, but didn't work well, because the people didn't work well together and some of the others were kinda boring. I'm not saying we were the best, because we weren't. But I am quite happy with how we did. Especially with how I did overall.
Like I said before, I didn't expect to get a call back for just a dance based project, but I did anyway, so now I really want it! :)
The call back is between now and 2 weeks, so I'll be nervous every single time I open my inbox and see I have unread messages, but that's ok. It's all part of it. And besides.. I'll be busy dancing, singing and acting my ass off for the show of the 30th of June and then I'll be off to Holland, where I'll probably won't be able to check my e-mail all that often, because I don't have internet connection at home anymore and I'll be busy all the time anyway. Hopefully it'll all get my mind of it, haha.
I'm so nervous! Let's hope for the best!!
22.6.09
PARASITE
New entry that I scribbled when I was waiting at the psychiatrist to pay the bill and run away. I had little time, so don't expect it to be perfect, for I finished it on the bus on my way home.
I hope that after you have read it, you will give me your honest opinion and thoughts about it. I am talking about an entire nation of people that is depressed and that wants to be helped, but can't ask for help, because they simply don't have the strength to do so. So if someone you know [or you suspect] has a certain disorder or illness [even if it is addiction to alcohol or drugs, or anything else of that matter] and is being a bitch, just be there for them. Because you never know when you might need those people yourself. Behind every bitch is a broken heart and a parasite that's eating it.
If someone has a disorder, they live with it 24/7. At a certain point, most often just before it gets better, the person has truly become the disorder, the problem, and he or she most of the time acknowledges this.
As they start to learn how to cope with the various side effects of their disorder(s), they learn how to cope with themselves. They learn how to outgrow the disorder, the illness, they have, but because they are able to identify themselves with their sickness better and better, it gets harder and harder to outgrow something that is so very much of their own.
Learning how to outgrow the parasite of your sickness, is often equal to learning how to outgrow a part of the self: outgrowing the characteristics which marked your personality. So where in fact to most people it seems as if the people in 'recovery' are trying to overcome their disorder, where it seems they are trying to let go of it,- they are actually overcoming and letting go of themselves.
Hard as it is to let oneself go, slip away, the person in the process has to stay focused. They are often just as repulsed by themselves as you are by them; to tell you the truth: they are even more repulsed.
So how does one let go? Simply enough as they do everything regular, from breathing and blinking to eating and drinking.
They remind themselves of how repulsed they are by themselves and how repulsed others are by them. They keep mentioning it; out loud, in loud, it doesn't matter. However... There is a contradictory force at work here. Because even though these people hate themselves, they mostly hate how they are not in control over their disease. No matter what you think or what others may think; nobody is in perfect control of their own disorder, that's what makes it a disorder. The contradiction lies in the fact that these people don't know anything before or after their illness; they hate it, but it's everything they have that they know is real. So whilst knowing the parasite is killing them from the inside out, it has grown on them and they are scared-so scared - of loosing it, that it becomes almost impossible.
By mentioning the parasite, calling it by its name, regardless of the tone in which they do so, they are slowly killing it. They are attacking it, whilst honouring it for the last time: they attack it how it has attacked them, and by being major bitches about their own sicknesses to others and themselves, they show the parasite in themselves at the same time as they mark their death beds.
They are scared of letting them go, of letting themselves go, but only by first becoming one with their own parasites, their own illnesses, they can spit them out. Only by remembering themselves how repulsive their disorder is, will they be able to overcome it.
The night is always darkest before dawn.
I hope that after you have read it, you will give me your honest opinion and thoughts about it. I am talking about an entire nation of people that is depressed and that wants to be helped, but can't ask for help, because they simply don't have the strength to do so. So if someone you know [or you suspect] has a certain disorder or illness [even if it is addiction to alcohol or drugs, or anything else of that matter] and is being a bitch, just be there for them. Because you never know when you might need those people yourself. Behind every bitch is a broken heart and a parasite that's eating it.
If someone has a disorder, they live with it 24/7. At a certain point, most often just before it gets better, the person has truly become the disorder, the problem, and he or she most of the time acknowledges this.
As they start to learn how to cope with the various side effects of their disorder(s), they learn how to cope with themselves. They learn how to outgrow the disorder, the illness, they have, but because they are able to identify themselves with their sickness better and better, it gets harder and harder to outgrow something that is so very much of their own.
Learning how to outgrow the parasite of your sickness, is often equal to learning how to outgrow a part of the self: outgrowing the characteristics which marked your personality. So where in fact to most people it seems as if the people in 'recovery' are trying to overcome their disorder, where it seems they are trying to let go of it,- they are actually overcoming and letting go of themselves.
Hard as it is to let oneself go, slip away, the person in the process has to stay focused. They are often just as repulsed by themselves as you are by them; to tell you the truth: they are even more repulsed.
So how does one let go? Simply enough as they do everything regular, from breathing and blinking to eating and drinking.
They remind themselves of how repulsed they are by themselves and how repulsed others are by them. They keep mentioning it; out loud, in loud, it doesn't matter. However... There is a contradictory force at work here. Because even though these people hate themselves, they mostly hate how they are not in control over their disease. No matter what you think or what others may think; nobody is in perfect control of their own disorder, that's what makes it a disorder. The contradiction lies in the fact that these people don't know anything before or after their illness; they hate it, but it's everything they have that they know is real. So whilst knowing the parasite is killing them from the inside out, it has grown on them and they are scared-so scared - of loosing it, that it becomes almost impossible.
By mentioning the parasite, calling it by its name, regardless of the tone in which they do so, they are slowly killing it. They are attacking it, whilst honouring it for the last time: they attack it how it has attacked them, and by being major bitches about their own sicknesses to others and themselves, they show the parasite in themselves at the same time as they mark their death beds.
They are scared of letting them go, of letting themselves go, but only by first becoming one with their own parasites, their own illnesses, they can spit them out. Only by remembering themselves how repulsive their disorder is, will they be able to overcome it.
The night is always darkest before dawn.
FORBOB
Here's a post I 'dedicate' to my dear friend Bob in Holland, who asked for more pictures I took in Hong Kong, because he wanted to see more of my life here, rather than read about it. Fair enough.
So yeah, this post will basically only be pictures that I took.
Hope you enjoy!
Don't hesitate to leave a comment :)
Yours always,
Camilla
So yeah, this post will basically only be pictures that I took.
Hope you enjoy!
Don't hesitate to leave a comment :)
Yours always,
Camilla
TIMETRAVELING
Always wanted to read this book; I might buy it soon, so I can read it on the plane to Holland (or on the way back or something), because the storyline is just simply magical.. The Time Traveler's Wife.
The movie is coming out soon and for those who haven't heard of it yet (or haven't seen the trailer yet), here is a little yum-bum:
The movie is coming out soon and for those who haven't heard of it yet (or haven't seen the trailer yet), here is a little yum-bum:
20.6.09
AWARDTIME
I'd like to offer this award in the recognition of my dear blog friend The Seeker. She's truly special; one of the sweetest, most caring people out there.
Have a look at her blog; her fashion sense is impeccable!
EXOH.
Camilla.
Have a look at her blog; her fashion sense is impeccable!
EXOH.
Camilla.
19.6.09
HK
Hey!
Some pics I took in Hong Kong, just to show you the places I'm at.
Just 3 to begin with :)
Kowloon
Central
Kowloon Skyline
Some pics I took in Hong Kong, just to show you the places I'm at.
Just 3 to begin with :)
Kowloon
Central
Kowloon Skyline
TODOLIST
"When she dances, she goes and goes" (song White Houses, by Vanessa Carlton).
And it's so TRUE!
I just want to go out now and dance the night away. Any shoes would do; heels for clubbing, sneakers for underground hip hop or street style dancing, flats for anything casual.. I don't mind where I go, as long as I go somewhere!
Unfortunately, I am flat broke and my friends are all homebound, because of the swine flu outbreak (in case you didn't know: the Department of Health advised South Island School and KGV to close because of the recent swine flu cases [South Island being my school]), so I am bound to stay home too. What is a girl to do?
The Philips-tech savvies came by today, to fix our television. I forgot how much fun i was to Wii. Tiffany came by and she, Melissa and I played Mario Kart for a while. I might set up a work out schedule for myself with the Wii (with the personal trainer program you can put on it, lol). It sounds ridiculous, but even when I do something lighthearted like boxing or playing tennis on the Wii, I get all sweaty and I'm serious when I say that the Wii is a serious workout.
So that's thing number one that I can do (and certainly WILL do).
Second thing I'm going to do, is search more classes here in Hong Kong, for dancing in particular. The last audition really tingled my fancy and I'm thinking of taking up a couple of courses, because: 1. I love it, and 2. I'm good at it, but not good enough to do anything with it (yet).
Thing number 3, is to search more information on Wicca. Not only on Wicca itself, but also on Wicca in Hong Kong. I have noticed that it's even harder to find someone interested in this religion than in Holland and I don't want to have to do all the research on my own; I feel lonely, doing all the research on my own, not talking to others about what I've found out. I don't know anyone whom knows more about Wicca than I do right now, so I can't ask any questions either, let alone join a coven. In the beginning, I thought that being a solitary Wiccan would be easier; you're less bound to the rules and timings of your coven and you can do everything at your own pace (within certain boundaries). But it can be tedious sometimes,- uninteresting, even! And if Wicca has to be put into one word and one word only, it is the word fascinating, not uninteresting.
So I need to do some desperate research on that. I did find a website that suggested the book 'Wicca: a year and a day', which is EXACTLY what I need right now. I'm almost nineteen and I wish to really get into Wicca deeper than I am right now. The only reason I'm not into it as much as I wish to be, is because I still live with my parents and my sister and they all think it's a bunch of bullocks. But when I move out of the house, I can do whatever pleases me, so better do as much research as I can right now, don't you think?
Okay, lovely lovebirds.
It is 10:22pm right now.
I'd better get started before the break of dawn sets in.
EXOH.
Camilla
18.6.09
THEINNERME
This is the eighth entry in my diary.
I'd like to share it with you so you might get a broader perspective.
Because that's what I'm trying to do here: get you to be more open-minded and creative thinking.
I have also tagged it as one of 'My Stories', because it's not really a diary-entry. It is more of a little story I was scribbling on the inside of a cigarette pack and then rewrote in my diary.
Hope you're all doing well.
Love and more,
Camilla
Being depressed is all about the inner self; about searching for it, finding it and then loosing it. It is an endless circle and by the time the common people figure that out, it's too late for suicide and they die of age.
You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.
Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?
You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.
And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.
The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.
I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.
This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.
I'd like to share it with you so you might get a broader perspective.
Because that's what I'm trying to do here: get you to be more open-minded and creative thinking.
I have also tagged it as one of 'My Stories', because it's not really a diary-entry. It is more of a little story I was scribbling on the inside of a cigarette pack and then rewrote in my diary.
Hope you're all doing well.
Love and more,
Camilla
Being depressed is all about the inner self; about searching for it, finding it and then loosing it. It is an endless circle and by the time the common people figure that out, it's too late for suicide and they die of age.
You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.
Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?
You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.
And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.
The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.
I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.
This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.
POOLPARTY
I went swimming with my mother Ivone and my sister Melissa today.
You have no idea.
I hate being in the sun for too long; it feels as if I am getting wrinkles at the spot,- as if the sun is literally drying up my skin that fast. I am terribly white and even though I don't like it some times, I like it most of the time. I think it's one of the nicest things I have, because it's kinda.. Unique? Or something. It's sort of shine through; you'd only know if you know me. My legs are white as snow and my belly is white as wet snow. My face is spotless (except when I'm on my period, as the ladies will probably understand, haha) and I don't want to loose that.
I hate being in a bathing suit or a bikini; I hate showing my body to others in that way,- it makes me feel fragile. I'm not ashamed of my body when it comes to sex, that's different: it's about power and will and movements and it makes me confident. But when I'm out in the open, simply walking around in my bathing suit/bikini, I feel vulnerable. I'm as insecure as a baby would be in a bar.
I hate swimming; I used to love swimming, because it was one of the ways I could burn a lot of carbs with in little time. I used to swim Nationals in Holland around the age of 13/14, but when my anorexia became worse and worse and I weighed less and less, my parents decided that I should give up on swimming (full-stop). I guess it was their way of trying to make me 'better'. Do I think it worked? On the contrary. But that's another story. Nowadays, I just simply can't stand the idea of swimming; all those countless, endless, useless laps that I've swum and that I'm supposed to swim again (to get my physical shape for dance better)(a goal I set myself, how'd you know?).. It just gets to me. I used to love it. Why can't I love it again?
Especially after today, after having spent that quality time with my mom and my sister, I wonder why I just can't switch on the button that makes me like swimming again. It was obvious that both my mother and my sister liked the fact that I was with them for once, but I felt super uncomfortable.
Sigh.
And then..The camera appeared out of the nowhere.
And then..There were pictures.
Now, for the people that haven't got a clear image of me: I do not appreciate it when people take pictures of me. Especially candid shots. I get snappy and try to over-act everything I do, simply because of the insecurity.
Nevertheless, here some photos (for bigger images, just click on them). Isn't my sister a real beauty?
Melissa (SO PRETTY!):
(Being her silly self):
(More of her inner being):
Me (can you see the dancer in me? Always dance poses, haha!):
(More dancing in the air):
(Proof of why I hate bathing suits/bikinis + photocameras):
You have no idea.
I hate being in the sun for too long; it feels as if I am getting wrinkles at the spot,- as if the sun is literally drying up my skin that fast. I am terribly white and even though I don't like it some times, I like it most of the time. I think it's one of the nicest things I have, because it's kinda.. Unique? Or something. It's sort of shine through; you'd only know if you know me. My legs are white as snow and my belly is white as wet snow. My face is spotless (except when I'm on my period, as the ladies will probably understand, haha) and I don't want to loose that.
I hate being in a bathing suit or a bikini; I hate showing my body to others in that way,- it makes me feel fragile. I'm not ashamed of my body when it comes to sex, that's different: it's about power and will and movements and it makes me confident. But when I'm out in the open, simply walking around in my bathing suit/bikini, I feel vulnerable. I'm as insecure as a baby would be in a bar.
I hate swimming; I used to love swimming, because it was one of the ways I could burn a lot of carbs with in little time. I used to swim Nationals in Holland around the age of 13/14, but when my anorexia became worse and worse and I weighed less and less, my parents decided that I should give up on swimming (full-stop). I guess it was their way of trying to make me 'better'. Do I think it worked? On the contrary. But that's another story. Nowadays, I just simply can't stand the idea of swimming; all those countless, endless, useless laps that I've swum and that I'm supposed to swim again (to get my physical shape for dance better)(a goal I set myself, how'd you know?).. It just gets to me. I used to love it. Why can't I love it again?
Especially after today, after having spent that quality time with my mom and my sister, I wonder why I just can't switch on the button that makes me like swimming again. It was obvious that both my mother and my sister liked the fact that I was with them for once, but I felt super uncomfortable.
Sigh.
And then..The camera appeared out of the nowhere.
And then..There were pictures.
Now, for the people that haven't got a clear image of me: I do not appreciate it when people take pictures of me. Especially candid shots. I get snappy and try to over-act everything I do, simply because of the insecurity.
Nevertheless, here some photos (for bigger images, just click on them). Isn't my sister a real beauty?
Melissa (SO PRETTY!):
(Being her silly self):
(More of her inner being):
Me (can you see the dancer in me? Always dance poses, haha!):
(More dancing in the air):
(Proof of why I hate bathing suits/bikinis + photocameras):
17.6.09
WHOAMI
It happens gradually and then one day, you wake up,- afraid that it might be the first day of your life.
I don't know why, but ever since I've been taking the pills that make me feel better (because, yes, they do make me feel better, even though I still have my ups and downs, of course), I have lost the idea of who I am (and was). I feel like I have to start all over again, choosing characteristics for myself, choosing flaws, choosing virtues.
It may sound weird, but if nothing's wrong with you, you seem kind of boring. Don't get me wrong: I have friends whom are happy almost all the time (or at least they seem it). I would do almost anything to have even one day of my life that seems so careless and free as theirs. But to live a life without any flaws or disorders.. It seems.. Empty. Where is the balance of good and bad? Where is the emotional balance?
If the disorders I am struggling with right now somehow disappear and won't be a part of me anymore, I have no idea of what will be left.
Who will I be? Who was I before the disorders? Who was I before my life became such a mess?
Sometimes I get a glimpse of something that happened and I remember how I reacted to it; it was such a long time ago and I reacted so different to everything, that I don't know if I can change back.
I simply forgot how it was to act the way I acted back then. Can people change back? Or do I have to change forward? If it's the second one: how do I do that? How will I know if I've moved on from something? Will I ever move on, or just hide everything like I've been doing all my life?
I guess that from now on, I'll be rearranging my DNA and will choose my virtues and flaws. I'll be true to myself, as far as I know who that person is. I'll be honest.
I'll be jealous, too dependent on others and over-analytical, but I'll also be caring, talented and smart.
I'll be me.
I don't know why, but ever since I've been taking the pills that make me feel better (because, yes, they do make me feel better, even though I still have my ups and downs, of course), I have lost the idea of who I am (and was). I feel like I have to start all over again, choosing characteristics for myself, choosing flaws, choosing virtues.
It may sound weird, but if nothing's wrong with you, you seem kind of boring. Don't get me wrong: I have friends whom are happy almost all the time (or at least they seem it). I would do almost anything to have even one day of my life that seems so careless and free as theirs. But to live a life without any flaws or disorders.. It seems.. Empty. Where is the balance of good and bad? Where is the emotional balance?
If the disorders I am struggling with right now somehow disappear and won't be a part of me anymore, I have no idea of what will be left.
Who will I be? Who was I before the disorders? Who was I before my life became such a mess?
Sometimes I get a glimpse of something that happened and I remember how I reacted to it; it was such a long time ago and I reacted so different to everything, that I don't know if I can change back.
I simply forgot how it was to act the way I acted back then. Can people change back? Or do I have to change forward? If it's the second one: how do I do that? How will I know if I've moved on from something? Will I ever move on, or just hide everything like I've been doing all my life?
I guess that from now on, I'll be rearranging my DNA and will choose my virtues and flaws. I'll be true to myself, as far as I know who that person is. I'll be honest.
I'll be jealous, too dependent on others and over-analytical, but I'll also be caring, talented and smart.
I'll be me.
HEKISSEDAGIRL
I love this cover of 'I Kissed A Girl'.
Gabe Bondoc is just so cute and he really made the song his own!
Comment, rate and subscribe! He is one of the few that really deserve it!
He has a real talent- see for yourself:
Gabe Bondoc is just so cute and he really made the song his own!
Comment, rate and subscribe! He is one of the few that really deserve it!
He has a real talent- see for yourself:
16.6.09
CALLBACK!
OMG I GOT MY E-MAIL FOR THE CALL BACK!!!!
This is a part of the e-mail I got from the Youth Arts Foundation just 5 minutes ago:
"Hello!
It was lovely meeting you on Sunday! We regret to inform you that we will not be able to offer you a role at Sweeney Todd but we are very happy with your audition nevertheless and would like to invite you to the callback of a dance audition of another project we are holding in December 2009 - Urban Dance Festival.
Here's a link of the event for your reference so that you have an idea of the project:
http://www.hkyaf.com/projects/PerformingArts/2007/SwireUrbanDanceFestival/eng/ "
OH. MY. GOD.
I'm going out to celebrate now!
CAN I HAVE A BIG BOOYAH?
BOOOOYAHHH!!
This is a part of the e-mail I got from the Youth Arts Foundation just 5 minutes ago:
"Hello!
It was lovely meeting you on Sunday! We regret to inform you that we will not be able to offer you a role at Sweeney Todd but we are very happy with your audition nevertheless and would like to invite you to the callback of a dance audition of another project we are holding in December 2009 - Urban Dance Festival.
Here's a link of the event for your reference so that you have an idea of the project:
http://www.hkyaf.com/projects/PerformingArts/2007/SwireUrbanDanceFestival/eng/ "
OH. MY. GOD.
I'm going out to celebrate now!
CAN I HAVE A BIG BOOYAH?
BOOOOYAHHH!!
15.6.09
CALLINGALLPEOPLE
"We're all so connected. I desperately wish we knew it."
You know how you have a secret that you have never told anyone? Nobody but you knows the secret and even though you want to let it out so desperately, you don't, because you're afraid of what will happen next.
Watch the next video and please do what I ask you to do.
What I am asking of you now, is to scan an anonymous postcard, with a secret you wrote on it. You can also make the card yourself, with a computer program or an edit-program on line (like www.picnik.com for example). My e-mail is milly_damil@hotmail.com .
You can also choose to send a real postcard with the post. Send the postcard with your secret on it to
'My Marvellous Adventures'
8H Headland Road
South Side Island
Hong Kong.
I will then scan the card and post it online, all anonymously.
It's time that you open up to find out who you really are, by finding out what you really want. This is how you're gonna do it. And you'll do it today.
I love you and believe in you,
Camilla
You know how you have a secret that you have never told anyone? Nobody but you knows the secret and even though you want to let it out so desperately, you don't, because you're afraid of what will happen next.
Watch the next video and please do what I ask you to do.
What I am asking of you now, is to scan an anonymous postcard, with a secret you wrote on it. You can also make the card yourself, with a computer program or an edit-program on line (like www.picnik.com for example). My e-mail is milly_damil@hotmail.com .
You can also choose to send a real postcard with the post. Send the postcard with your secret on it to
'My Marvellous Adventures'
8H Headland Road
South Side Island
Hong Kong.
I will then scan the card and post it online, all anonymously.
It's time that you open up to find out who you really are, by finding out what you really want. This is how you're gonna do it. And you'll do it today.
I love you and believe in you,
Camilla
SURVEYTIME
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS?
I don't have an idea of 'perfect happiness', simply because I don't believe it exists.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
I'm afraid of a lot of things, but the biggest one is to fail.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF?
Being scared of grabbing opportunities and then nagging to myself about not having grabbed them.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
Egoism and greed.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
Living in Hong Kong at Headland Road. Pff.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
Nervous, but calm. If that's even possible.
ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
When it's necessary; to avoid pain for myself. I'd rather live a lie than find out someone I care a lot about didn't care as much for me, or in fact- did not care for me at all.
WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
My nose and lips.
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST DESPISE?
Close-minded people; could be about anything. People against gay marriage, racist people, etc. Bitchassness.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A MAN?
Loyalty and humour.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A WOMAN?
Independence and interests.
WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVERUSE?
"If I'm wrong, I am right," "I'm sure they meant well.." "Hey, be nice!"
WHICH TALENT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HAVE?
Persuasion.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Pursuing happiness, after all I've been through. So, basically still being here.
IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR THING, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
A seagull.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
You know, the famous couple of big cities: Paris, NYC, Venice. I'm quite a nomad; I like to live at various places, but all not for too long a period of time.
WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
The ring I got from my dutch grandparents for my 18th birthday.
WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Interest and loyalty. Honesty and trustworthiness.
WHO ARE YOUR FAVOURITE WRITERS?
Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Paolo Coelho, Joanne Harris.
WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE HERO OF FICTION?
The X-Men.
WHICH HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
Lady Di.
WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
*In myself: Spitefulness en route to jealousy. Dependence.
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
You are living your OWN life, so don't live it for others- live it for yourself. You never know if you live up to other people's expectations, but you know if you live upto your own. In the end, you'll always have to live with yourself, so better make it a nice person to be with.
Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do.
I don't have an idea of 'perfect happiness', simply because I don't believe it exists.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
I'm afraid of a lot of things, but the biggest one is to fail.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF?
Being scared of grabbing opportunities and then nagging to myself about not having grabbed them.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
Egoism and greed.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
Living in Hong Kong at Headland Road. Pff.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
Nervous, but calm. If that's even possible.
ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
When it's necessary; to avoid pain for myself. I'd rather live a lie than find out someone I care a lot about didn't care as much for me, or in fact- did not care for me at all.
WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
My nose and lips.
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST DESPISE?
Close-minded people; could be about anything. People against gay marriage, racist people, etc. Bitchassness.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A MAN?
Loyalty and humour.
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A WOMAN?
Independence and interests.
WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVERUSE?
"If I'm wrong, I am right," "I'm sure they meant well.." "Hey, be nice!"
WHICH TALENT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HAVE?
Persuasion.
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Pursuing happiness, after all I've been through. So, basically still being here.
IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR THING, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
A seagull.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
You know, the famous couple of big cities: Paris, NYC, Venice. I'm quite a nomad; I like to live at various places, but all not for too long a period of time.
WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
The ring I got from my dutch grandparents for my 18th birthday.
WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Interest and loyalty. Honesty and trustworthiness.
WHO ARE YOUR FAVOURITE WRITERS?
Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Paolo Coelho, Joanne Harris.
WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE HERO OF FICTION?
The X-Men.
WHICH HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
Lady Di.
WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
*In myself: Spitefulness en route to jealousy. Dependence.
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
You are living your OWN life, so don't live it for others- live it for yourself. You never know if you live up to other people's expectations, but you know if you live upto your own. In the end, you'll always have to live with yourself, so better make it a nice person to be with.
Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do.
SUMMERINTHECITY
Love this song by Regina Spektor!
It's playful, like only Regina can bring it.. And it's sad as well, also like only Regina can bring it.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do :)
It's playful, like only Regina can bring it.. And it's sad as well, also like only Regina can bring it.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do :)
COMFORTZONE
Have you ever had that feeling, that you don't want to get too excited over something, because the downfall can only be longer and the pain can only be worse?
I had that today.
In the morning, I went to see my psychiatrist and he asked me to rate my mood on a scale from 0 to 10 (10 being perfectly fine). I said 9.
I know, I know. It's a bit.. Too high, for my comfort zone. But I was that high, that I didn't even notice I had a comfort zone in the first place!
So later today (in the evening, just before dinner), there was an outburst. I'm not going to type every letter of the discussions out here,- let's just say it was a very emotional dinner. I couldn't stand it.
Basically, there was a decision for me to make: purging or cutting. So what do I do? The one of which my parents don't know I do it. The one I can hide. The one that's my drug; always has been and always will be. Purging.
I'm in my comfort zone again now. I'd rate it a 4.
I had that today.
In the morning, I went to see my psychiatrist and he asked me to rate my mood on a scale from 0 to 10 (10 being perfectly fine). I said 9.
I know, I know. It's a bit.. Too high, for my comfort zone. But I was that high, that I didn't even notice I had a comfort zone in the first place!
So later today (in the evening, just before dinner), there was an outburst. I'm not going to type every letter of the discussions out here,- let's just say it was a very emotional dinner. I couldn't stand it.
Basically, there was a decision for me to make: purging or cutting. So what do I do? The one of which my parents don't know I do it. The one I can hide. The one that's my drug; always has been and always will be. Purging.
I'm in my comfort zone again now. I'd rate it a 4.
14.6.09
AUDITIONS
It's almost midnight, so I'll have to do this quick to be able to say it all happened today.
Today at Taikoo Place in Hong Kong an extraordinary thing happened: Camilla had her first 'official' audition.
The audition was for a part in the musical Sweeney Todd (produced by the Hong Kong Youth Arts Foundation); Mrs Lovett in particular.
When I arrived, I went to get my audition number- 10 (I was the 10th out of the 50 to arrive). I thought to myself: 10's a good number, isn't it? 10's a good number. The girls that confirmed my attention, were very nice and took my at the place, to add to the audition form.
Once it was up to my group to go in, I lost all my nerves and dropped my bag and laptop to the floor. We were ordered to stand in lines- numbers going from low to high. The rows existed of 5 people each, so I was on the second row.
First, we learned a small dance routine. We did it about 3 times and then had to do it with the music, which was about 5 times as fast (which I found a bit odd, to be fairly honest, but maybe it always goes like this). We switched rows (2 front rows went all the way to the back and that way we switched until everybody had been in the the two front rows. I was always standing on the left, where there were also big black poles or something, so every time I had to turn to the left (or to the right for that matter), I banged against the poles -.- Not so much fun. But the choreography was genious; it was simply beautiful and powerful; really beautiful for an opening scene like Sweeney's.
At a certain point, the dance 'teacher' was picking out certain numbers, of which I was one. We were with 10, 15 people and we had to do the routine again. I felt that as far as expression went, I did very very well. I couldn't have felt the atmosphere for the scene/play any better (considering I've already done Sweeney Todd at school), so that went fine, thankfully :)
After the dancing, we sung our lines, one by one. Everyone was there, standing around us. First, the first row. Then when all five were done, they'd turn and stand behind the back row, so the second row became the first row. There weren't many outstanding singers, but oh dear, did I do well. I never really say or THINK, even, that I did really well at something. This is a big, big exception. I felt very satisfied afterwards and there even was a girl that came up to me that said: 'You are so gonna get in..!' I was absolutely aghast, because even though I felt satisfied about my performance and presence etcetera, I didn't expect someone to come up to me, randomly- to give me such a compliment!
There were 800 people auditioning for the play, of which they will only be casting 50 to 60 people (60 is the absolute max!).
After we all left the room, I got my phone to call my parents so we'd go back home, but when I stood there, typing in the numbers of my dad's phone number, something -I really don't know what - struck me. I put my phone back on the silent mode and kept it safe in my bag again. And there I went: half walking, half jogging, I went back to the back of the big room where I had auditioned.
For me, this audition was not yet over.
I asked the people sitting there (the JURY, hahah) for a big favour, namely: to have another go at another song. I prepared three 1 minute long songs and asked if they would mind listening to me for one last time. "Hopefully not the last time," the Lindsay said. I told them I prepared 2 songs from the musical Sweeney Todd as well, 'just in case.' (My audition song was a fragment of 'Over The Moon', from the musical RENT.) They all jinxed, hearing that, and said: "Sing both!" So that's how I sung a fragment of 'The Worst Pies In London' and 'Wait' and got extra singing time (YESSSSS!!) in comparison to the others that were auditioning.
Apparently, according to the 'jury', nobody had ever done what I had, before.
BOOYAH!
Call backs are between now and Wednesday.
Can't wait to open my inbox and see that lovely e-mail.
Can't wait to get started either!!!
I just genuinely can't wait to start living.
Because that's what this is- living.
Fingers crossed!!
13.6.09
SOUP
I am craving soup at the moment.
Had a huge binging attack (can't call it anything else, sorry) and of course: everything that came in, went back out again.
Felt good afterwards. Clean, somehow.
Anyway.
What I am here to tell you about!
The tickets have arrived!
HK show: 30th of June.
Flight to Holland: 1st of July at 00:15am
Arrival to Holland: 1st of July around 6:30am
Flight to Hong Kong: 11nth of July
Start Summer Musical Bootcamp: 13th of July
Finish Summer Musical Bootcamp: 15th of August
Rest of summer: unknown destination in Asia
Dun dun dunnnn...
Can't wait!!!
We're busy rehearsing for Summer Nights now and the tension is getting worse and worse.. We haven't finished our routine for Steam Heat yet and there are only 2 weeks of work left!!
Furthermore, what's new?
Well, you might not really care about this one, but I do, and considering this is my blog, I am going to share it with the world because I am happy as all hell about it:
yesterday, I didn't hear ANY voices. I was home alone during most of the day and it was so....Quiet. It hasn't been like that in and outside of my head for a long, long time. This is S I G N I F I C A N T , okay? This is, like, a really big deal.
And I'm happy happy happy about it!
Tomorrow, I have my audition for Sweeney Todd (produced by the Hong Kong Youth Arts Foundation). I'd love to be Mrs Lovett (again); it's just such a versatile character to play, both in characteristics and vocals.
Let's hope for the best!
Wish me luck!
Love always,
Camilla
PS I'm working on a story! Will post it soon! It's been wayyyy too long..
Had a huge binging attack (can't call it anything else, sorry) and of course: everything that came in, went back out again.
Felt good afterwards. Clean, somehow.
Anyway.
What I am here to tell you about!
The tickets have arrived!
HK show: 30th of June.
Flight to Holland: 1st of July at 00:15am
Arrival to Holland: 1st of July around 6:30am
Flight to Hong Kong: 11nth of July
Start Summer Musical Bootcamp: 13th of July
Finish Summer Musical Bootcamp: 15th of August
Rest of summer: unknown destination in Asia
Dun dun dunnnn...
Can't wait!!!
We're busy rehearsing for Summer Nights now and the tension is getting worse and worse.. We haven't finished our routine for Steam Heat yet and there are only 2 weeks of work left!!
Furthermore, what's new?
Well, you might not really care about this one, but I do, and considering this is my blog, I am going to share it with the world because I am happy as all hell about it:
yesterday, I didn't hear ANY voices. I was home alone during most of the day and it was so....Quiet. It hasn't been like that in and outside of my head for a long, long time. This is S I G N I F I C A N T , okay? This is, like, a really big deal.
And I'm happy happy happy about it!
Tomorrow, I have my audition for Sweeney Todd (produced by the Hong Kong Youth Arts Foundation). I'd love to be Mrs Lovett (again); it's just such a versatile character to play, both in characteristics and vocals.
Let's hope for the best!
Wish me luck!
Love always,
Camilla
PS I'm working on a story! Will post it soon! It's been wayyyy too long..
9.6.09
ITINERARY
Hello dear lovebirds,
So what's up in this dazzling mind of mine?
Not much but smashing vases against the walls in my mind.
So let's try to outline the situation here.
Y'all know that I am back in the game with musical theatre. I put most of my free time in it and considering I'm not going to school anymore this season, that is most of the time I have. I'm always singing, practicing steps, learning monologues off by heart, etc. I try to do whatever it is that I can do, as long as it is benificial for my career later, I am committed as all hell to it.
There is a showcase in HK on the 30th of June. Then there are various performances in Macau (yes, we're touring!). The showcase in HK does include me, but not as lead character. For the Macau showcase, however, I was selected for female lead: I was chosen to play Sandy. Yes, as in 'Sandy from Grease'. Isn't that fan-fucking-tastic?!
BUT. (Of course there is a BUT)
BUT, my best best best friend Roel is graduating in Holland and I want to go there as a surprise. Date of the graduation? The 3rd of July.
This means I will MAYBE be able to be present at the performance in HK and I WILL NOT be able to be there for the performances in Macau.
Does this suck?
Of course it does.
But there's always ice cream (with chocolate sauce and sprinkles).
Can't wait to go to Holland and see Roel again. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Sometimes it hurts.
Who'd ever think I'd miss Holland?
Ah well, it's not really Holland, is it? It's more my friends that I miss.. So it's all good. No face-loss, haha.
Over the summer, I'll be going to Musical Theatre Bootcamp, in HK. So I'll be in Holland for about a week or so and then fly back for the bootcamp. Afterwards, I'm maybe able to go to Portugal. I hope so.. Want to see my family :)
Speaking about family.. My dutch grandfather is writing a children's book and practically done. He's working with a woman from Middelburg now who will be drawing the images for the book. Let's hope this works out! I've read bits and pieces of the book and it's actually really nice!
I know I'll only be in Holland for such a short time and my grandparents live out of the direction I'll be going in (they live all the way south-west and I live exactly in the centre of Holland), but maybe I'll go there for 2 days or something like that.
God, I hate this 'maybe maybe maybe,' but what am I to do?
I'll keep you updated.
Hope and strength for all of you, my lovelies.
Special thanks and love for my dear friend The Seeker, who has been there for me when I really needed her. She is now facing problems herself, so please show how cool you are and pray with me for her. I promise, this lady is worth the thought.
-Camilla
So what's up in this dazzling mind of mine?
Not much but smashing vases against the walls in my mind.
So let's try to outline the situation here.
Y'all know that I am back in the game with musical theatre. I put most of my free time in it and considering I'm not going to school anymore this season, that is most of the time I have. I'm always singing, practicing steps, learning monologues off by heart, etc. I try to do whatever it is that I can do, as long as it is benificial for my career later, I am committed as all hell to it.
There is a showcase in HK on the 30th of June. Then there are various performances in Macau (yes, we're touring!). The showcase in HK does include me, but not as lead character. For the Macau showcase, however, I was selected for female lead: I was chosen to play Sandy. Yes, as in 'Sandy from Grease'. Isn't that fan-fucking-tastic?!
BUT. (Of course there is a BUT)
BUT, my best best best friend Roel is graduating in Holland and I want to go there as a surprise. Date of the graduation? The 3rd of July.
This means I will MAYBE be able to be present at the performance in HK and I WILL NOT be able to be there for the performances in Macau.
Does this suck?
Of course it does.
But there's always ice cream (with chocolate sauce and sprinkles).
Can't wait to go to Holland and see Roel again. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. Sometimes it hurts.
Who'd ever think I'd miss Holland?
Ah well, it's not really Holland, is it? It's more my friends that I miss.. So it's all good. No face-loss, haha.
Over the summer, I'll be going to Musical Theatre Bootcamp, in HK. So I'll be in Holland for about a week or so and then fly back for the bootcamp. Afterwards, I'm maybe able to go to Portugal. I hope so.. Want to see my family :)
Speaking about family.. My dutch grandfather is writing a children's book and practically done. He's working with a woman from Middelburg now who will be drawing the images for the book. Let's hope this works out! I've read bits and pieces of the book and it's actually really nice!
I know I'll only be in Holland for such a short time and my grandparents live out of the direction I'll be going in (they live all the way south-west and I live exactly in the centre of Holland), but maybe I'll go there for 2 days or something like that.
God, I hate this 'maybe maybe maybe,' but what am I to do?
I'll keep you updated.
Hope and strength for all of you, my lovelies.
Special thanks and love for my dear friend The Seeker, who has been there for me when I really needed her. She is now facing problems herself, so please show how cool you are and pray with me for her. I promise, this lady is worth the thought.
-Camilla
8.6.09
ILOVEYOUTUBE
This guy is an absolute must in everybody's daily life: Airto.
I chose a newer, shorter cover of his so you could have a quick listen :)
The original song is very beautiful as well, but I think I prefer Airto's voice..
Let me know what you think of it!
Peace,
Camilla
I chose a newer, shorter cover of his so you could have a quick listen :)
The original song is very beautiful as well, but I think I prefer Airto's voice..
Let me know what you think of it!
Peace,
Camilla
4.6.09
SAYTHATYOULOVEME
Ok, so the die-hards have probably noticed 6 posts in a row, all pretty negative and.. Well.. Dark.
You are right.
They are negative and dark and all that.
But this is the seventh post that I wrote in my diary. And it was from today. And it's not as negative :)
(By the way, the previous six posts, were not written over the course of 6 days, but about 3 weeks. I'm not really good at updating diaries, as you can tell.)
So, the seventh post actually has a title, in comparison with the others.
Say that you love me...
..even if it is not true. I don't care if the "love" people feel is real or fake toward me, especially when I'm famous. I mean... Who knows me anyway? I hardly know who I am myself. Sometimes I feel good, other times bad, and this will never change. I will never love myself; that's up to others, regardless of what's behind it.
Say that you'll leave me, because it makes me realise I'm worth sharing before you leave.
Say that you love me; I won't believe you probably, but I know there's a reason (which is probably flattering) behind it.
Slap me in the face, be angry with me, be disappointed... I'll know that you care enough about me to be so crushed by me,- maybe you are the one that really does love me.
Don't get me wrong: I don't want everybody to like/love me (well, actually, I do. I can't deny that. Just you isn't enough, it'll never be. It's not you... It's the rest of the world). But it's really true, what they claim ignorance to be: b l i s s . It really is bliss.
So why let people cause you pain? It doesn't matter what people say or don't say to you; it depends on how open you held the door to your heart for them.
Look, the entire Josh-thing hardly meant anything to me, because it was the "same old, same old" and if you read into it, not even specifically directed toward me. It was only when I found out that it was actually Josh himself, that it hit me and I couldn't stop crying for days and nights to come. Even yesterday... I clasped to my third pillow and cried and cried and cried, until I passed out into an awful nightmare.
You know what? The sun shines, the ocean is a bit clearer than yesterday and life sucks all the same. But you know what else? The pain you feel now is just as real as the happiness was when you felt it. And you only feel this pain, because you let yourself be happy to that certain degree where you got to care about people/things.
Pain is natural; it makes us real and human. It's a part of you, but beware you don't become a part of it. Allow yourself to be hurt, as well as to be happy; to a certain degree.
You'll appreciate many aspects of life a bit more than you do right now, I hope.
Because it's in your right to do so.
Because you're beautiful.
Strength and love,
Camilla
You are right.
They are negative and dark and all that.
But this is the seventh post that I wrote in my diary. And it was from today. And it's not as negative :)
(By the way, the previous six posts, were not written over the course of 6 days, but about 3 weeks. I'm not really good at updating diaries, as you can tell.)
So, the seventh post actually has a title, in comparison with the others.
Say that you love me...
..even if it is not true. I don't care if the "love" people feel is real or fake toward me, especially when I'm famous. I mean... Who knows me anyway? I hardly know who I am myself. Sometimes I feel good, other times bad, and this will never change. I will never love myself; that's up to others, regardless of what's behind it.
Say that you'll leave me, because it makes me realise I'm worth sharing before you leave.
Say that you love me; I won't believe you probably, but I know there's a reason (which is probably flattering) behind it.
Slap me in the face, be angry with me, be disappointed... I'll know that you care enough about me to be so crushed by me,- maybe you are the one that really does love me.
Don't get me wrong: I don't want everybody to like/love me (well, actually, I do. I can't deny that. Just you isn't enough, it'll never be. It's not you... It's the rest of the world). But it's really true, what they claim ignorance to be: b l i s s . It really is bliss.
So why let people cause you pain? It doesn't matter what people say or don't say to you; it depends on how open you held the door to your heart for them.
Look, the entire Josh-thing hardly meant anything to me, because it was the "same old, same old" and if you read into it, not even specifically directed toward me. It was only when I found out that it was actually Josh himself, that it hit me and I couldn't stop crying for days and nights to come. Even yesterday... I clasped to my third pillow and cried and cried and cried, until I passed out into an awful nightmare.
You know what? The sun shines, the ocean is a bit clearer than yesterday and life sucks all the same. But you know what else? The pain you feel now is just as real as the happiness was when you felt it. And you only feel this pain, because you let yourself be happy to that certain degree where you got to care about people/things.
Pain is natural; it makes us real and human. It's a part of you, but beware you don't become a part of it. Allow yourself to be hurt, as well as to be happy; to a certain degree.
You'll appreciate many aspects of life a bit more than you do right now, I hope.
Because it's in your right to do so.
Because you're beautiful.
Strength and love,
Camilla
THESIXTH
I came home yesterday and as I passed the guards, the healing, comforting scent of fresh eucalypt and a mixture of the scents of wet grass and earth came my way. Welcoming as it may sound, I felt as if a stranger, as well as if coming home.
It doesn't rain anymore today; the sun shines brightly and the birds twit harmoniously, as if yesterday never happened. But the rain is still in the ocean, which is darker than usual, and still a bit restless.
There are hardly any people on the beach, but ok, it's a week day, so I guess that's pretty logical. I wish that on the next week day (Monday, not tomorrow, because tomorrow is a public holiday), I could get on a plane, right after seeing both my psychiatrist and neurologist.
It's almost Roel's graduation in Holland and I just wish I could be there, as a surprise.
I miss him so incredibly much, it's indescribable.
The best friend I've had through all sorts of situations and I hardly talk to him anymore.
Oh Roel, I love you so. Why won't you come take a visit and have a whif of the fresh eucalypt?
I miss you so.
C
It doesn't rain anymore today; the sun shines brightly and the birds twit harmoniously, as if yesterday never happened. But the rain is still in the ocean, which is darker than usual, and still a bit restless.
There are hardly any people on the beach, but ok, it's a week day, so I guess that's pretty logical. I wish that on the next week day (Monday, not tomorrow, because tomorrow is a public holiday), I could get on a plane, right after seeing both my psychiatrist and neurologist.
It's almost Roel's graduation in Holland and I just wish I could be there, as a surprise.
I miss him so incredibly much, it's indescribable.
The best friend I've had through all sorts of situations and I hardly talk to him anymore.
Oh Roel, I love you so. Why won't you come take a visit and have a whif of the fresh eucalypt?
I miss you so.
C
THEFIFTH
It can't be the pills,- I'm taking them to feel better, not worse. But instead, self-inflicted pain makes my sweat feel better and better. I feel like I'm going insane,- literally. I've been through a lot, but this is the first time in my life that I don't feel.. sane. Not anymore. I have memory gaps, weird thoughts, dizziness, I daze off, space out, etc. etc. It is hard to explain to a sane person what "insane" feels like. It's not just hard; it's impossible.
I see the disappointment in my mother's eyes; she was ecstatic when I just got my medication. But it's not having the effect it's supposed to have, or at least not the effect she thought it would have. I want to feel what she wants me to feel; I'm ashamed for not feeling it. Look at me: a ghost. Not just a ghost. No, I'm a ghost of the perception of what I used to be.
I'm not really living life anymore. I'm living in a shadow and everyday, I wonder yet again: "What is wrong with me?" The answer is always the same: "I don't know."
And still, what I become more and more aware of, is how I do not belong here.
C
I see the disappointment in my mother's eyes; she was ecstatic when I just got my medication. But it's not having the effect it's supposed to have, or at least not the effect she thought it would have. I want to feel what she wants me to feel; I'm ashamed for not feeling it. Look at me: a ghost. Not just a ghost. No, I'm a ghost of the perception of what I used to be.
I'm not really living life anymore. I'm living in a shadow and everyday, I wonder yet again: "What is wrong with me?" The answer is always the same: "I don't know."
And still, what I become more and more aware of, is how I do not belong here.
C
THEFOURTH
Completely zoned out am I writing this right now. My sight keeps blurring and my head spins every now and again. The drugs my psychiatrist prescribed me are definitely doing something, but what exactly?!! I am scared and want to die.
I feel like I'm going crazy and I belong in an institute. I don't feel sane. I don't feel clean. It itches,- my brain itches.
Today was Mother's Day and I woke up around 1pm, home alone. I was alone until about 5:30pm and to me, it felt as if the entire family forgout about me and was just celebrating without me. I actually really knew where they were, not off celebrating, but I couldn't help feeling helpless and alone. Scared and lonely, yet again.
It was as if they didn't really want me there in the first place; they left no note behind, they didn't call until they were close to getting home and basically.. they just left 'crazy me' at home.
I wish I knew where I belonged. Not at home and maybe not in an institute, but right now I'm just wandering in between those two.
I pray for strength.
C
I feel like I'm going crazy and I belong in an institute. I don't feel sane. I don't feel clean. It itches,- my brain itches.
Today was Mother's Day and I woke up around 1pm, home alone. I was alone until about 5:30pm and to me, it felt as if the entire family forgout about me and was just celebrating without me. I actually really knew where they were, not off celebrating, but I couldn't help feeling helpless and alone. Scared and lonely, yet again.
It was as if they didn't really want me there in the first place; they left no note behind, they didn't call until they were close to getting home and basically.. they just left 'crazy me' at home.
I wish I knew where I belonged. Not at home and maybe not in an institute, but right now I'm just wandering in between those two.
I pray for strength.
C
THETHIRD
I don't feel anything anymore. I feel fear and despair and I feel insecurity. It's everywhere, just not concrete. Is this what the pills do to me; make me numb, almost straight to the core? And if so: shouldn't that make me feel happy and/or relieved? I have often wondered who I was and what I was about, but now... I feel like I've completely lost myself.
The voices keep coming back. They tell me to purge, because I'm fat. They tell me to drop out of Secondary School as a whole, because I don't get any smarter anyway. They tell me I'm ugly, lazy,- worthless. A waste of space. A waste of air,- a waste of pollution.
I try not to listen to them, even when they say I should cut myself. I always do the opposite of what they say, so this morning when they said I should not cut myself, I cut myself. Harder, deeper,- I have hardly ever been this angry and disappointed with/inn myself. Ever. I had to stop the bleeding with two paper napkins.
But I felt alive.
I felt alive, for the first time since I've been taking my medication. The pain is real,- I am real.
C
The voices keep coming back. They tell me to purge, because I'm fat. They tell me to drop out of Secondary School as a whole, because I don't get any smarter anyway. They tell me I'm ugly, lazy,- worthless. A waste of space. A waste of air,- a waste of pollution.
I try not to listen to them, even when they say I should cut myself. I always do the opposite of what they say, so this morning when they said I should not cut myself, I cut myself. Harder, deeper,- I have hardly ever been this angry and disappointed with/inn myself. Ever. I had to stop the bleeding with two paper napkins.
But I felt alive.
I felt alive, for the first time since I've been taking my medication. The pain is real,- I am real.
C
THESECOND
I can't explain what it is exactly that I feel when I cut myself. But it sure is hella good.
See, the thing is that there is so much in my mind; so much pain. There is no end to it and it's the most terrifying thing in the world; wanting to die, but not knowing why or how. Not knowing how to prevent yourself from jumping off a building, and not knowing when the pain will finally pass.
When I cut myself, I do it for several reasons. The main reason is that for a fraction of a moment, the problem is not in my mind anymore; I am letting it out. I can literally see the pain and explain what it looks like and how it got there in the first place. And I know for a fact that it will pass.
Mental pain is the opposite of all this. What is it? What does it feel like? Why am I feeling the way I feel? Will it ever pass? When will it, if it does so in the first place? How?!
I'm scared though. What if my parents see my fresh wounds? What if I have to go into a clinic aain, or maybe a mental hospital, even?
And what, what if.. What if I fit in there?
C
See, the thing is that there is so much in my mind; so much pain. There is no end to it and it's the most terrifying thing in the world; wanting to die, but not knowing why or how. Not knowing how to prevent yourself from jumping off a building, and not knowing when the pain will finally pass.
When I cut myself, I do it for several reasons. The main reason is that for a fraction of a moment, the problem is not in my mind anymore; I am letting it out. I can literally see the pain and explain what it looks like and how it got there in the first place. And I know for a fact that it will pass.
Mental pain is the opposite of all this. What is it? What does it feel like? Why am I feeling the way I feel? Will it ever pass? When will it, if it does so in the first place? How?!
I'm scared though. What if my parents see my fresh wounds? What if I have to go into a clinic aain, or maybe a mental hospital, even?
And what, what if.. What if I fit in there?
C
THEFIRST
I find the confidential claims in diaries often rather pretentious and fake, to be honest.
Pretentious, because the parts in it are not that confidential; they are either not much of a big deal or already spread like a disease among "friends".
Fake, because when someone reads the words "Strictly confidential,- I'll eat you if I find out you've read any further than you've already done," they don't stop reading. On the contrary: confidential claims merely trigger the founder to continue reading.
Everyone knows that, so whenever they write the first page in a diary, they tend to sound witty and one step ahead of the reader. And forbidding.
But not me. You found this, so it's kind of normal (understandable, even) that you'll read some of what is in here.
The thing is that I'm very honest and, well.. I don't know if you're ready for the truth.
As soon as the truth gets inconvenient and ugly, people tend to lable it as a lie, but be careful..
I don't lie.
C
Pretentious, because the parts in it are not that confidential; they are either not much of a big deal or already spread like a disease among "friends".
Fake, because when someone reads the words "Strictly confidential,- I'll eat you if I find out you've read any further than you've already done," they don't stop reading. On the contrary: confidential claims merely trigger the founder to continue reading.
Everyone knows that, so whenever they write the first page in a diary, they tend to sound witty and one step ahead of the reader. And forbidding.
But not me. You found this, so it's kind of normal (understandable, even) that you'll read some of what is in here.
The thing is that I'm very honest and, well.. I don't know if you're ready for the truth.
As soon as the truth gets inconvenient and ugly, people tend to lable it as a lie, but be careful..
I don't lie.
C
3.6.09
CASUALCHIQUE
Getting ready to go to the thing where my sister is going to get an award (yet, another one) for her good play in tennis. This is about her 7th (?), I think, that she'll receive that's 1st place :)
Couldn't be more proud of her at the moment. She's amazing.
She's in the middle of another competition right now and yesterday she got home at 11:30pm. Today, she had to get up at 6:30am (6:45am latest!) to catch the morning bus that goes to school (7:18am). I think she caught the bus, but she must be exhausted at the least right now, considering she also had a geography trip today. Bawww, my little girl is growing up so beautifully! I'll post up a picture of the two of us together soon (hopefully, I'll get some pictures taken of us together at this 'get together' thing tonight).
Ohh, she just got home from school. Let me force her to wear a dress.
Mwah &all my love to you,
Camilla
< This is my look for the evening. Casual chique? I'd say so.
Couldn't be more proud of her at the moment. She's amazing.
She's in the middle of another competition right now and yesterday she got home at 11:30pm. Today, she had to get up at 6:30am (6:45am latest!) to catch the morning bus that goes to school (7:18am). I think she caught the bus, but she must be exhausted at the least right now, considering she also had a geography trip today. Bawww, my little girl is growing up so beautifully! I'll post up a picture of the two of us together soon (hopefully, I'll get some pictures taken of us together at this 'get together' thing tonight).
Ohh, she just got home from school. Let me force her to wear a dress.
Mwah &all my love to you,
Camilla
< This is my look for the evening. Casual chique? I'd say so.
2.6.09
SAFEPRISON,SAFERHYME
I miss you.
And all I can do, is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme.
Maybe one day that will change and I will be able to see you again, maybe love you again, even.
But for now.. It will hopefully stay with the rhyme.
At least behind the bars of a prison, the prisoner is safe.
At least through the bars of a rhyme, I can't really get hurt either.
And all I can do, is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme.
Maybe one day that will change and I will be able to see you again, maybe love you again, even.
But for now.. It will hopefully stay with the rhyme.
At least behind the bars of a prison, the prisoner is safe.
At least through the bars of a rhyme, I can't really get hurt either.
ISOLEMNLYSWEAR..
Of course it's something most girls can only dream of, but that doesn't make the dream less real, if you know what I mean (if you're a girl, which you probably are, you'll probably get my drift. If you are a guy, however, you might have quite a handicap in understanding the beauty and the meaning behind the beauty of this gorgeous pair of Gucci studded high-heelers). I'm desperately thinking of getting a job again.. It's just so boring; sitting around the house, looking at myself in the mirror to see if the last minute will have an effect on the next one. (Gets tedious, I can say..) So you know what I have decided? When I wake up, it is going to be a new day. I found myself crying in the shower, but just before that, I had a conversation with a real good friend in Holland (he's called Bob, and we had a little fling-thing going on a couple of summers back) and I promised him that the next time he'd see me, I'd be famous. And here I am, promising the entire blogging community that I will be famous. I don't know with what yet (I knew you were going to ask that), but I-will-be famous. Maybe that'll be one step more towards these STUDS of shoes (get the joke, get it?).Fame, money and glam, here I come! Baby, remember my name!
LETSLEAVETONIGHT
Does that make it a little clearer what I feel like right now?!
(Hint #1: lyrics;
Hint #2: it's an oldie)
I'm so nostalgic at the moment.
I took my medication, which is pretty strong, and I still can't sleep.
Wah.
Off to read Madonna's Biography again then (precise title of the book: Madonna, An Intimate Biography). Pretty interesting. I might start cutting in some of my shirts again :)
Just to relief stress and all. You know.
Hope all is best with you guys.
Love&Hope,
Camilla
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