:O8.

Let’s do something original: write reflections on 2OO8.

As you know, this was my first year in the holy land of the 852. I am not too sure about how I have changed, but I do know for a fact that I have changed.
I would like to tell you why I have. I would like to tell you what happened,- whohappened. I would like to thank you. Thank you.

Melissa v. W.: you make my life worth living. Everyday I love you more and more and I want to thank you for showing me that this kind of love doesn’t just exist in fairytales, but also in real hearts of real people. The world is lucky to have you and I am even luckier. Ik hou meer van je dan ik kan verwoorden, opperaap. Sorry for the heinous, jealous bitch that I am sometimes.. Know that it is all sprung from the love that I cherish.

Roel M.: everywhere I go, you go too. Over the past year, I’ve come to realize that my love for you is not only pure in its purest form, but it also does not need a reason to exist. You are the one person that showed me how love can grow steadily with the day, without having to see each other. Like I said: everywhere I go, you go too. I can’t wait till you’re here physically as well. Thank you for loving me and making me a better person through doing so. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being in my life. I miss you.

Bram v.d. B.: this summer I noticed that it doesn’t matter if we see each other or not. It doesn’t matter if I only go to a different school or if I live on the other side of the world. Because whenever we do see each other, everything seems to be the same as before. I love how we never needed a lot of words to understand each other (especially from your side, as I like to talk, hehe) and I want you to know that you are one of those reasons that make me realize from time to time, that there is no reason for me to be unhappy, except maybe for the fact that you’re on the other side of the planet… But that is going to change soon! You asked me when you’re finally able to come to Hong Kong and my answer is, and always will be: “I thought you were coming yesterday! But it’s fine if you come today or tomorrow.” Know that my door is always open for you.

Timothy S.: I remember the 27th of August like it was yesterday,- not because it was my 18th birthday, but because that was the day that you left to England at 9 am. I thought I would miss you less and less, but the opposite happened. Nobody has ever loved me the way you do and I can’t thank you enough for that. I do not know what made you think that I deserved all that, but I thank you for seeing whatever you see. You are the person that made me happiest this year and I think it is unnecessary for me to say that I will always love you, as it is pretty obvious (my opinion). I miss you more than I can say and I hope I see you soon again, no matter how inappropriate that may be at the moment. You are gorgeous. Come back. Please, come back..<3

Lavinia d.L.: what can I say? You are my rock and I love you for it. I'm going to miss you way too much when you're off to Uni. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing in University-land. Thanks for being in my life <3

Tiffany L.: thank you immensely for taking care of me when I needed that (both physically and mentally) and a big sorry for being the jealous bitch that I am. We need to develop our cult,- it’s been too long, my dear. More words are not necessary to speak: you are my heart.

Prakash S.: your insecurity frightens me. Your perseverance and view on things make me want to run and hide under a rock, because I feel ashamed for not being the same. At the same time, you push me to be the best I can be. Even though your bluntness hits my head like a rock sometimes, it also cuts right through the darkness and makes me see light with a dazzling intensity. Thank you, for all of this. You are amazing in every single way I can think of. Don’t worry, mate,- be happy! I love you.

Dhruv S.: HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT. I miss you so much that it hurts, but I’m happy for you that you went. You seem to really like it out there in Pune and you have more chances to grab onto there than you would have had if you would have stayed in the 852. I think it’s great you’re doing this all but I hope you realize how you belong here in HONG KONG,- with ME. Hm. I miss you. x Princess. Hehe.

Jeroen v.d. V.: what am I going to do without you? ☹ I bet you have never met anyone as tech-dummy as I am. Thanks for solving les problemos. Highly appreciated, hehe. I can’t believe that ‘us’ came to be through a stupid movie that I copied from your stick (ok, now, THAT sounds just a bit fishy..). Seems more than that,- it seems longer than that. I’m going to miss you heaps when you leave for Uni. Keep in touch,- I’ll visit (unless it’s one of those maths&tech Unis with a boy : girl-ratio of 21:1).

Sean W.-M.: CHINARUNAWAY! Nuff said. I love you. A lot. Do not leave my life. Wait, why is there a hole in the building again??

Jal C.: even though we don’t really talk anymore, I want to thank you for all the times that we did. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I guess all good things have to come to an end sooner or later, but I have to say.. I’d never say no to some hot chocolate!

Gideon W.: I just wrote down your name on the 'list' and I realised that I've never actually seen you after school, except for at the Dinnerdance, its 'afterparty' and Gineke's houseparty. A shame, in my opinion; you're great company (I'm keeping aside the farting, when I say that you're great company) and I love it when you're being a smart-ass again. And even though you're being a smart-ass 99% of the time, there is that 1% left, which I sometimes really need. Thanks for listening to me when necessary and thanks for noticing when it's necessary in the first place. I'm really happy I got to know you and I wish you the best of luck with everything this year c: (STOP FARTING.)

Katie L.: you and your gorgeous soul,- I love everything about you. You are the only person I know that can be angry because of winning an award for being the ‘happiest person’ of the year, only because she can’t win ‘Best Dressed’ anymore. We should definitely see for the summer holidays that are coming, because together we can make them the best.

Ailynn M.: there is no way that I can stop tears from falling from your beautiful eyes, but at least let me cry with you. My love for you is infinite in every way that it can be and that is why I will never stop trying to stop the tears from falling. It is amazing how you like people for who they are and not for who your other friends want them to be. You are a dolphin and a shark,- both…at the same time. I remember the photoshoot on IFC Roof that wasn’t a real photoshoot. In 15 minutes, I shot a couple of my best shots ever that had someone in it and you know how I feel about photoshoots: it’s the model that does the work,- I just click. I hope we’ll do the ‘real one’ soon enough. Life doesn’t seem to be willing to help much, however.. Ah well. I also remember our blowjobs. I’m so sorry for ruining your evening by losing my mom’s cellphone. I hope we’ll re-do the evening when I’m back in the 852 and that it’ll be memorable. To irony! There is a lot more that I remember, but what I want to conclude with, is this: you do not trust me too much. Do never be afraid. If you’re a dolphin, I’m a dolphin. If you’re a shark, I’m a shark. And you’re both at the same time. Words lose all their worth when I try explaining how much I love you. Because I actually do love you.

Hae Byn Y./Ashley Y.: okay, so you left. And how… I know that we didn’t have a proper goodbye, but we also both know why,- it doesn’t have to be repeated. Somehow we seem to have a weird, weird relationship-thing. I still can’t fully believe what happened that first ‘conversation’ we had.. I was just saying things; you hardly said anything! But if it was good for you, it was good for me. We didn’t really hang out that much, but the times we did, are sharp in memory: once in SupStud (“Are you bi or a lesbian?”), Fairwood with Zulia (“sticks”, “choppies”), the airport (oh dear), Causeway Bay (with the black woman (; ), Times Square Roof (‘oops!’), the Shisha bar (with a drunk Ailynn and your suddenly drop-dead gorgeous sister) and ..yeah. I just remember all those different occasions like they were yesterday. I am so happy for meeting you and I was ecstatic to see you again when you were in the 852 again before Christmas. I didn’t show it, but that is my pride. Somehow you felt as if I could see through you (when I just got to know you), but when I saw you in that Shisha bar, you asked me merely 2 questions that nobody has EVER asked me (which is not that weird, because we’re talking about Hong Kong here..). “You don’t look good. You’re not okay, are you?” You actually SAW that even though I looked normal for a daily life, I didn’t look happy or whatever people are supposed to be. I’ve noticed myself that I look different: in pictures, in mirrors.. You name it. But you threw one glance in my direction and immediately questioned the fact that I said that I was ‘good, good, fine.’ Thank you so much for that,- I really needed it. Then you asked if it was because of… Well, we all know what. “What else could there be?” You just looked at me and for a moment I thought that your eyes went sad. I love you Daisy. And I hate to admit it, but I actually miss you a lot. I mean, not every single day or when I do, I don’t miss you every waking moment of the day, but when I miss you, I really miss you. It sucks so badly that I was in Thailand over Christmas and New Year.. I still owe you 4 bucks! Maybe I should just go to England to give you them, that might be an idea. (; Anyway, I guess you ‘know’ what I am going to say.. I wish you a great year, may it be in the UK or in HK. I hope that you find happiness and love because, honestly.. You are one of the few people that truly deserve those.


And last but definitely not least:
Timothy B.: 'Enough. Enough now." Remember the last time that I tried talking to you? And that you literally ran away, into the men’s room, to hide? Well, I do. I’m sorry if it offended you, but I only wanted to apologise. I wanted to apologise for the fact that the things that happened, happened. I wanted to say I’m sorry that I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be and I’m sorry that I couldn’t pretend not to care, like everybody else. You made me happier than I could ever imagine, but I can’t recall why. I miss you in my life. I miss your laughter, your tears, your love, your hate… I miss everything. But I don’t know why. I am not able to remember why I saw in you what I saw in you. I guess it was the recognition that was everything I needed. We are so very alike that only thinking about it, gives me a heartache. The core thing we have in common, is the façade that we both keep pulling on ourselves. But I grew up, Tim. Did you? Are you ready to look at yourself from a distance and see the façade?! I hope you can. I would mean the first step to overcoming your addiction,- your addiction to self-destruction. Please know that you will never ruin what you’ve built up in me. You made my heart grow with every little thing you did and didn’t do. You didn’t end up breaking my heart,- you just left it in its place, beating painfully against my chest, with every breath I took. But this is the end of 2OO8 and as I am writing this, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye 2OO8, goodbye Tim. I miss you in my life, but wouldn’t want you back in it for the world. I do not hate you, my heart is not able to hate you. And even though you hate me now (reasons unknown, still. I do not understand how you, of all people, can hate me), I want to thank you. You showed me that nothing is what it seems. Or, better even: that everything is what it seems…. I hope you have the best of years the coming year and that you will find what you are truly looking for. Goodbye 2OO8. Goodbye Tim. 


I owe myself an apology: I was not myself after April, the break up, everything. I lost myself and even after I noticed over summer, I couldn’t really change it back. It was as if I was staring at myself from a distance,- a small distance, but too big for me to reach over. I saw the differences and I saw them getting more radical, but I couldn't do anything about it,- it seemed to be completely out of me. I stopped writing, I stopped talking, even. It’s just that every time I tried to write (sometimes literally sat down with a piece of paper and only stared into the wasted space around me), the words seemed to….dry up. I felt like I had so much to say, so much to write, but I couldn’t put a pen down to paper. It was as if I was in a dark room and I couldn’t see anything around me, but as soon as my eyes started to recognize the figures in the dark, something turned the light on. It always left me seeing stars, just like when you stand up too quickly. When my eyes finally got used to the intense light and finally seemed to find words to put down, the light went off again and I saw stars again. I don’t feel like myself anymore,- April, gossip, IB and so much more, all took something from me. But I am happy again and even though this year has left me confused and with no self-known identity, I am looking forward to 2OO9. The good thing about not knowing who you have become, is that you can be whoever you want to be. Sorry, Camila, for not knowing who I wanted to be for a while.



Have a great year, you all.
I wish you everything good! And more.
Love, Camila