A premature broken heart.

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You might have noticed that the second-last post was written in a pessimistic piss-mood, but maybe you haven't. Either way: you don't know why I was in the piss-mood I was in.
Care to know/Care not to know?

Ok, let's make a deal then. If you do care to know, you can read on,- it's up to you. If you do not care to know, you stop reading after finishing this sentence and go read another post or visit a completely different blog.

Are you still reading? Good. Let's move on to the facts, then. And the less facty facts.


Remember how I told you that Billy and I were together? Ok, then now you know we were.
Indeed, the use of past tense is great in that sentence, considering how we aren't together anymore. You can't really call it 'breaking up', in my opinion, as it never really got the chance to start in the first place.
On Wednesday, I went for a late lunch with Gucci and Jeroen. It was good seeing Gucci again; he's a great person and seems incredibly genuine. Jeroen is just.. Always the same. One of my best friends as well, so it was fun being with them for a while. After that, I went to meet up with Greg, to give him his dvd of 'the Matrix' back and to tell him about Billy and me being together. After I would've left Greg, I would go to see Billy, to have dinner with him at the Ladies Recreation Club (my family yuppie-club, 'yay!'). Instead of having dinner, however, we just stayed at his place for a bit and we talked.
Because by the time I was with Gucci and Jeroen, I was already undescribably confused about what to do or what not to do (well, I could guess what not to do..) and in the course of having lunch, the confusedness only grew profounder and profounder..
Everything went so fast. With both of them.

Like I said in an earlier posted post: I really like Billy. I want things to go right, so I want to start things with him in complete honesty and with all chances of equality. Being confused over what to do and only thinking of him leaving this July for the US, isn't bringing us anywhere and is only going to break hearts. Mine, definitely, but his as well.
Greg isn't good for me,- he confuses me more than anyone else does or has ever done. Maybe I should just shut every possible thought of him being deep and messaging hints to me out of my brain, but I can't. The last thing I want to think about is the possibility of him liking me, like he said he wouldn't do (at least 'not yet'); beyond physical attraction. But, if we are all completely honest and I try to be objective (I really do, actually), I have to admit that, besides not wanting him to fall for me, I do actually want him to fall for me. I want to know what he is like, in every possible situation I can think of; I want to see him when he is genuinely happy, when he's angry, annoyed, joking, intrigued, bored. I want to know what he is like in those situations; I want to know him. Seems impossible to get through to him, though. And that is what pisses me off so much. Well.. It's one of the things.

When we went for coffee in the afternoon, I wanted to give him his dvd back. After all: that was the essence of meeting him. I didn't want to meet him; I had to. Nyah, I sorta wanted to see him, obviously, but in the end I ended up pretty pissed off at him, so when the time was there, I didn't really want to see him anymore,- I just wanted the thought of having something that belongs to him in my house, out of my head. Quite understandable, non?
Anyway. The point was: I forgot the dvd. I know- I'm a stupid cluts. I still can't believe I actually forgot the stupid dvd, but I did. And that meant: seeing him again.
Nothing happened at the first meeting; we just talked a bit and catched up. I told him about Billy and was really honest about not knowing what to do about the situation. Then I realised (through talking to Greg about it)(he's good for something!) that things only could go wrong if they were going to proceed the way they were right then and that they would have a small chance of succeeding if I would talk to Billy about it. I didn't tell Greg, but about half-way through our 'meeting', I decided to break up with Billy for the moment.
Note the words 'for the moment', please.

Got to Billy's and we started talking about stuff. I felt as good as always around him, which made me feel even worse than I did before, at the same time. This all because I really didn't want to break up with him; I don't want to be separated from Billy for another minute! It's just that I can't go into all this without all honesty being present and having considered every single option. At first, I kept searching for a counter-argument, a reason not to do it. But instead, it only seemed more reasonable to wait for a bit, until the novelty of July has settled down. Only then, it will be a bit more on the background and I can focus more on being happy whenever I'm with him (and so can he)(he agreed with me on all this).
He completely understood, or at least he said so. I'll just take his word for it, as that is the only thing I can do right now. I'm pretty positive about us coming together in a later stage, but now is just not the right moment. I guess.
I don't know. I'm just all wuzzly and I feel weird. I'm listening to the most terrible music as well and even though that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it becomes a bad thing when you cry, whilst listening to it.
I'm stupid.


Yesterday evening, I met up with Greg again (to really give him his dvd back this time. Finally!) at half five in the afternoon. We went for a drink and because I hadn't eaten anything all day long, I got a bit fuzzy inside after having finished my Martini. Must say that I've hardly ever been hardcore enough to go to a bar and have alcohol on a school night, but for everything a first time, eh? (;
We played a game. We both had a plastic cup with 5 dices in them. We would flick the things around and throw our dices on the table after a certain amount of seconds and we had to guess the number we had thrown: he would guess his and I would guess mine. Before lifting up the cups to count the number of eyes on the dices, however, we had to say what we wanted to win whenever we won a round. Then we would uncover the dices and start counting the eyes. I won most times.
After I won a couple of times in a row, I thought of asking him to give me a kiss, if I'd win. I didn't have the guts to say it out loud, but after winning another two rounds (I'm really good at this game, hehe), I decided to give it a shot. His reaction: "Okay. But you'll first have to find a way to win."
We threw the dices and I guessed 19. He guessed 14. On the count of three, we uncovered the dices and we started counting. I had thrown exactly 19 and he had thrown 21. I had guessed exactly right and he had missed the number by 7. Oh, wait, that means...
Yes. He did kiss me.
After kissing me, he said it had been the best kiss we'd kissed. I didn't reply.
"I wonder why I didn't just give you a kiss, though. Could've been on the forehead, even.."
"You just wanted to kiss me."
"That too, but why didn't you just specify what kind of kiss you wanted?"
*Short pause, I didn't want to answer that question because it annoyed me a little bit. Why do you have to question everything I do or do not do?
"Hm?" he insisted.
"It was yours to give," I answered.
He looked at me, pensively. I looked back, in a daring way, so he wouldn't see how all my organs were actually twisting inside of me. He didn't see,- he smiled.


After seeing Greg, I realised something. The only reason that I hate him so much and can't stand the thought and the look of him, is because I like him. I don't want to, but it's too late for that. I'm not in love or anything; it's quite impossible to fall in love with a creature like Greg (or on the contrary: it can be very easy)(not in my case, though, thank God), but I like him.
And because I do, I keep telling myself I don't. I keep telling myself how disgusting, un-mannered, revolting and loathable he is, so I hopefully start believing it myself. Well.. No, that's not completely true. I believe it; he actually is all those things. But I still like him. Maybe if I keep repeating those things, I'll start to see that there actually is nothing likeable about him, and the feelings will cease to exist.
Hopefully, this is how the story goes.
Do I think it will? No. But that doesn't matter at the moment.
I knew what would happen if I would get into this entire thing,- I told Greg when I agreed on whatever it is that we're having and literally said to him in an e-mail:

"... and when we were there, there was nowhere else to go, except for to the truth. So here you have it. My body. And with saying that,- a premature broken heart."


But it's not broken,- not quite yet.
It's not his to break.

It's still in its place, pounding painfully against my chest.