Ohh and by the way!
I am in Switzerland for the week! Going on a ski-trip in the region of Verbier with school and even though I am not really looking forward to it at the moment (I still feel a bit sick and I am really, really tired), I'm sure it will be a lot of fun. I share my room with Katrina and Joanna, two girls from the year above me. They're absolutely great, so I couldn't have wished for any other roommates, really. They make me smile.
Oops: need to pack now,- leaving home in about 2.5 hours and I haven't even started yet!
I'll miss you guys, like always!
In the case of having internet, I will most definitely contact you (:
23.1.09
A premature broken heart.
Updates updates updates!
You might have noticed that the second-last post was written in a pessimistic piss-mood, but maybe you haven't. Either way: you don't know why I was in the piss-mood I was in.
Care to know/Care not to know?
Ok, let's make a deal then. If you do care to know, you can read on,- it's up to you. If you do not care to know, you stop reading after finishing this sentence and go read another post or visit a completely different blog.
Are you still reading? Good. Let's move on to the facts, then. And the less facty facts.
Remember how I told you that Billy and I were together? Ok, then now you know we were.
Indeed, the use of past tense is great in that sentence, considering how we aren't together anymore. You can't really call it 'breaking up', in my opinion, as it never really got the chance to start in the first place.
On Wednesday, I went for a late lunch with Gucci and Jeroen. It was good seeing Gucci again; he's a great person and seems incredibly genuine. Jeroen is just.. Always the same. One of my best friends as well, so it was fun being with them for a while. After that, I went to meet up with Greg, to give him his dvd of 'the Matrix' back and to tell him about Billy and me being together. After I would've left Greg, I would go to see Billy, to have dinner with him at the Ladies Recreation Club (my family yuppie-club, 'yay!'). Instead of having dinner, however, we just stayed at his place for a bit and we talked.
Because by the time I was with Gucci and Jeroen, I was already undescribably confused about what to do or what not to do (well, I could guess what not to do..) and in the course of having lunch, the confusedness only grew profounder and profounder..
Everything went so fast. With both of them.
Like I said in an earlier posted post: I really like Billy. I want things to go right, so I want to start things with him in complete honesty and with all chances of equality. Being confused over what to do and only thinking of him leaving this July for the US, isn't bringing us anywhere and is only going to break hearts. Mine, definitely, but his as well.
Greg isn't good for me,- he confuses me more than anyone else does or has ever done. Maybe I should just shut every possible thought of him being deep and messaging hints to me out of my brain, but I can't. The last thing I want to think about is the possibility of him liking me, like he said he wouldn't do (at least 'not yet'); beyond physical attraction. But, if we are all completely honest and I try to be objective (I really do, actually), I have to admit that, besides not wanting him to fall for me, I do actually want him to fall for me. I want to know what he is like, in every possible situation I can think of; I want to see him when he is genuinely happy, when he's angry, annoyed, joking, intrigued, bored. I want to know what he is like in those situations; I want to know him. Seems impossible to get through to him, though. And that is what pisses me off so much. Well.. It's one of the things.
When we went for coffee in the afternoon, I wanted to give him his dvd back. After all: that was the essence of meeting him. I didn't want to meet him; I had to. Nyah, I sorta wanted to see him, obviously, but in the end I ended up pretty pissed off at him, so when the time was there, I didn't really want to see him anymore,- I just wanted the thought of having something that belongs to him in my house, out of my head. Quite understandable, non?
Anyway. The point was: I forgot the dvd. I know- I'm a stupid cluts. I still can't believe I actually forgot the stupid dvd, but I did. And that meant: seeing him again.
Nothing happened at the first meeting; we just talked a bit and catched up. I told him about Billy and was really honest about not knowing what to do about the situation. Then I realised (through talking to Greg about it)(he's good for something!) that things only could go wrong if they were going to proceed the way they were right then and that they would have a small chance of succeeding if I would talk to Billy about it. I didn't tell Greg, but about half-way through our 'meeting', I decided to break up with Billy for the moment.
Note the words 'for the moment', please.
Got to Billy's and we started talking about stuff. I felt as good as always around him, which made me feel even worse than I did before, at the same time. This all because I really didn't want to break up with him; I don't want to be separated from Billy for another minute! It's just that I can't go into all this without all honesty being present and having considered every single option. At first, I kept searching for a counter-argument, a reason not to do it. But instead, it only seemed more reasonable to wait for a bit, until the novelty of July has settled down. Only then, it will be a bit more on the background and I can focus more on being happy whenever I'm with him (and so can he)(he agreed with me on all this).
He completely understood, or at least he said so. I'll just take his word for it, as that is the only thing I can do right now. I'm pretty positive about us coming together in a later stage, but now is just not the right moment. I guess.
I don't know. I'm just all wuzzly and I feel weird. I'm listening to the most terrible music as well and even though that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it becomes a bad thing when you cry, whilst listening to it.
I'm stupid.
Yesterday evening, I met up with Greg again (to really give him his dvd back this time. Finally!) at half five in the afternoon. We went for a drink and because I hadn't eaten anything all day long, I got a bit fuzzy inside after having finished my Martini. Must say that I've hardly ever been hardcore enough to go to a bar and have alcohol on a school night, but for everything a first time, eh? (;
We played a game. We both had a plastic cup with 5 dices in them. We would flick the things around and throw our dices on the table after a certain amount of seconds and we had to guess the number we had thrown: he would guess his and I would guess mine. Before lifting up the cups to count the number of eyes on the dices, however, we had to say what we wanted to win whenever we won a round. Then we would uncover the dices and start counting the eyes. I won most times.
After I won a couple of times in a row, I thought of asking him to give me a kiss, if I'd win. I didn't have the guts to say it out loud, but after winning another two rounds (I'm really good at this game, hehe), I decided to give it a shot. His reaction: "Okay. But you'll first have to find a way to win."
We threw the dices and I guessed 19. He guessed 14. On the count of three, we uncovered the dices and we started counting. I had thrown exactly 19 and he had thrown 21. I had guessed exactly right and he had missed the number by 7. Oh, wait, that means...
Yes. He did kiss me.
After kissing me, he said it had been the best kiss we'd kissed. I didn't reply.
"I wonder why I didn't just give you a kiss, though. Could've been on the forehead, even.."
"You just wanted to kiss me."
"That too, but why didn't you just specify what kind of kiss you wanted?"
*Short pause, I didn't want to answer that question because it annoyed me a little bit. Why do you have to question everything I do or do not do?
"Hm?" he insisted.
"It was yours to give," I answered.
He looked at me, pensively. I looked back, in a daring way, so he wouldn't see how all my organs were actually twisting inside of me. He didn't see,- he smiled.
After seeing Greg, I realised something. The only reason that I hate him so much and can't stand the thought and the look of him, is because I like him. I don't want to, but it's too late for that. I'm not in love or anything; it's quite impossible to fall in love with a creature like Greg (or on the contrary: it can be very easy)(not in my case, though, thank God), but I like him.
And because I do, I keep telling myself I don't. I keep telling myself how disgusting, un-mannered, revolting and loathable he is, so I hopefully start believing it myself. Well.. No, that's not completely true. I believe it; he actually is all those things. But I still like him. Maybe if I keep repeating those things, I'll start to see that there actually is nothing likeable about him, and the feelings will cease to exist.
Hopefully, this is how the story goes.
Do I think it will? No. But that doesn't matter at the moment.
I knew what would happen if I would get into this entire thing,- I told Greg when I agreed on whatever it is that we're having and literally said to him in an e-mail:
"... and when we were there, there was nowhere else to go, except for to the truth. So here you have it. My body. And with saying that,- a premature broken heart."
But it's not broken,- not quite yet.
It's not his to break.
It's still in its place, pounding painfully against my chest.
You might have noticed that the second-last post was written in a pessimistic piss-mood, but maybe you haven't. Either way: you don't know why I was in the piss-mood I was in.
Care to know/Care not to know?
Ok, let's make a deal then. If you do care to know, you can read on,- it's up to you. If you do not care to know, you stop reading after finishing this sentence and go read another post or visit a completely different blog.
Are you still reading? Good. Let's move on to the facts, then. And the less facty facts.
Remember how I told you that Billy and I were together? Ok, then now you know we were.
Indeed, the use of past tense is great in that sentence, considering how we aren't together anymore. You can't really call it 'breaking up', in my opinion, as it never really got the chance to start in the first place.
On Wednesday, I went for a late lunch with Gucci and Jeroen. It was good seeing Gucci again; he's a great person and seems incredibly genuine. Jeroen is just.. Always the same. One of my best friends as well, so it was fun being with them for a while. After that, I went to meet up with Greg, to give him his dvd of 'the Matrix' back and to tell him about Billy and me being together. After I would've left Greg, I would go to see Billy, to have dinner with him at the Ladies Recreation Club (my family yuppie-club, 'yay!'). Instead of having dinner, however, we just stayed at his place for a bit and we talked.
Because by the time I was with Gucci and Jeroen, I was already undescribably confused about what to do or what not to do (well, I could guess what not to do..) and in the course of having lunch, the confusedness only grew profounder and profounder..
Everything went so fast. With both of them.
Like I said in an earlier posted post: I really like Billy. I want things to go right, so I want to start things with him in complete honesty and with all chances of equality. Being confused over what to do and only thinking of him leaving this July for the US, isn't bringing us anywhere and is only going to break hearts. Mine, definitely, but his as well.
Greg isn't good for me,- he confuses me more than anyone else does or has ever done. Maybe I should just shut every possible thought of him being deep and messaging hints to me out of my brain, but I can't. The last thing I want to think about is the possibility of him liking me, like he said he wouldn't do (at least 'not yet'); beyond physical attraction. But, if we are all completely honest and I try to be objective (I really do, actually), I have to admit that, besides not wanting him to fall for me, I do actually want him to fall for me. I want to know what he is like, in every possible situation I can think of; I want to see him when he is genuinely happy, when he's angry, annoyed, joking, intrigued, bored. I want to know what he is like in those situations; I want to know him. Seems impossible to get through to him, though. And that is what pisses me off so much. Well.. It's one of the things.
When we went for coffee in the afternoon, I wanted to give him his dvd back. After all: that was the essence of meeting him. I didn't want to meet him; I had to. Nyah, I sorta wanted to see him, obviously, but in the end I ended up pretty pissed off at him, so when the time was there, I didn't really want to see him anymore,- I just wanted the thought of having something that belongs to him in my house, out of my head. Quite understandable, non?
Anyway. The point was: I forgot the dvd. I know- I'm a stupid cluts. I still can't believe I actually forgot the stupid dvd, but I did. And that meant: seeing him again.
Nothing happened at the first meeting; we just talked a bit and catched up. I told him about Billy and was really honest about not knowing what to do about the situation. Then I realised (through talking to Greg about it)(he's good for something!) that things only could go wrong if they were going to proceed the way they were right then and that they would have a small chance of succeeding if I would talk to Billy about it. I didn't tell Greg, but about half-way through our 'meeting', I decided to break up with Billy for the moment.
Note the words 'for the moment', please.
Got to Billy's and we started talking about stuff. I felt as good as always around him, which made me feel even worse than I did before, at the same time. This all because I really didn't want to break up with him; I don't want to be separated from Billy for another minute! It's just that I can't go into all this without all honesty being present and having considered every single option. At first, I kept searching for a counter-argument, a reason not to do it. But instead, it only seemed more reasonable to wait for a bit, until the novelty of July has settled down. Only then, it will be a bit more on the background and I can focus more on being happy whenever I'm with him (and so can he)(he agreed with me on all this).
He completely understood, or at least he said so. I'll just take his word for it, as that is the only thing I can do right now. I'm pretty positive about us coming together in a later stage, but now is just not the right moment. I guess.
I don't know. I'm just all wuzzly and I feel weird. I'm listening to the most terrible music as well and even though that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it becomes a bad thing when you cry, whilst listening to it.
I'm stupid.
Yesterday evening, I met up with Greg again (to really give him his dvd back this time. Finally!) at half five in the afternoon. We went for a drink and because I hadn't eaten anything all day long, I got a bit fuzzy inside after having finished my Martini. Must say that I've hardly ever been hardcore enough to go to a bar and have alcohol on a school night, but for everything a first time, eh? (;
We played a game. We both had a plastic cup with 5 dices in them. We would flick the things around and throw our dices on the table after a certain amount of seconds and we had to guess the number we had thrown: he would guess his and I would guess mine. Before lifting up the cups to count the number of eyes on the dices, however, we had to say what we wanted to win whenever we won a round. Then we would uncover the dices and start counting the eyes. I won most times.
After I won a couple of times in a row, I thought of asking him to give me a kiss, if I'd win. I didn't have the guts to say it out loud, but after winning another two rounds (I'm really good at this game, hehe), I decided to give it a shot. His reaction: "Okay. But you'll first have to find a way to win."
We threw the dices and I guessed 19. He guessed 14. On the count of three, we uncovered the dices and we started counting. I had thrown exactly 19 and he had thrown 21. I had guessed exactly right and he had missed the number by 7. Oh, wait, that means...
Yes. He did kiss me.
After kissing me, he said it had been the best kiss we'd kissed. I didn't reply.
"I wonder why I didn't just give you a kiss, though. Could've been on the forehead, even.."
"You just wanted to kiss me."
"That too, but why didn't you just specify what kind of kiss you wanted?"
*Short pause, I didn't want to answer that question because it annoyed me a little bit. Why do you have to question everything I do or do not do?
"Hm?" he insisted.
"It was yours to give," I answered.
He looked at me, pensively. I looked back, in a daring way, so he wouldn't see how all my organs were actually twisting inside of me. He didn't see,- he smiled.
After seeing Greg, I realised something. The only reason that I hate him so much and can't stand the thought and the look of him, is because I like him. I don't want to, but it's too late for that. I'm not in love or anything; it's quite impossible to fall in love with a creature like Greg (or on the contrary: it can be very easy)(not in my case, though, thank God), but I like him.
And because I do, I keep telling myself I don't. I keep telling myself how disgusting, un-mannered, revolting and loathable he is, so I hopefully start believing it myself. Well.. No, that's not completely true. I believe it; he actually is all those things. But I still like him. Maybe if I keep repeating those things, I'll start to see that there actually is nothing likeable about him, and the feelings will cease to exist.
Hopefully, this is how the story goes.
Do I think it will? No. But that doesn't matter at the moment.
I knew what would happen if I would get into this entire thing,- I told Greg when I agreed on whatever it is that we're having and literally said to him in an e-mail:
"... and when we were there, there was nowhere else to go, except for to the truth. So here you have it. My body. And with saying that,- a premature broken heart."
But it's not broken,- not quite yet.
It's not his to break.
It's still in its place, pounding painfully against my chest.
Insphotoration.
Best inspiration in fucking AGES: Lina Scheynius
Now if that isn't captivating and intriguing in every possible way you can think of.. I don't know what is anymore. Love it!
Now if that isn't captivating and intriguing in every possible way you can think of.. I don't know what is anymore. Love it!
20.1.09
The Park
Here a sequel to the (pretty recent) story Juggling Coke Bottles. The story Juggling Coke Bottles was written from the point of view of the female persona in the story, but this story is written from the point of view of the guy.
I fail.
I need to edit it quite a lot, but I can't be bothered at the moment, to be honest, as I'm in a terrible piss-mood and just want to throw vases against the wall and smack my head against it as well. Or something like that, at least.
Hope you all are doing better.
THE PARK:
"I don't have much time, because Patrick's waiting for me." She threw a glance in the direction of the entrance of the park. I followed the direction of her eyes and could see that, just around the corner, there stood a broad bloke, with his arms crossed over each other. He was obviously waiting for something,- or someone. She looked at me again and continued talking: "..but I just wanted to say a couple of things."
I gulped the lump in my throat down and said: "What?"
Her eyes scrutinised me. They were bright blue and they seemed to look right through me whenever she was playing this trick on me. She knew I couldn't handle her looking at me that way,- I never told her, but she should definitely have noticed. Don't girls always notice those things? I found it so hard to look straight back at her, but I tried. I really did. What do you want?
"I have a boyfriend," she said.
What?
"I have a boyfriend and I came here to tell you so. This leaves me two options. It leaves me the option to tell you that I have a boyfriend, but that I still want you." Pause. I looked at her, I guess a bit confused. She looked to the floor and then quickly added: "Just physically, of course," she shrugged, found my eyes again. "We would continue whatever it is we had before it stopped and we wouldn't tell anyone. It would be our own, exciting secret." I still looked at her. I was doing pretty well, I think. But for how long?
She sighed, then continued. "This would be the entire story and the entire truth as well, now it comes to that. But there is another option." Pause. I noted she was struggling to keep looking right at me, yet still she went on. "The second option I have, is to tell you that I have a boyfriend and that would be it,- that would be the entire story. And it's true, it's not a lie or anything. I would just pretend that there wasn't more to tell and you would just have to pretend I had never mentioned the first option."
I nodded, tried to push another lump in my throat down. It fell right into my stomach.
I couldn't look at her anymore, so I decided to try to carelessly look at a couple that was sitting on one of the benches in the park, on Stephanie's left hand and my right. "Right," I was able to push over my lips, but only barely. I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable, as the seconds ticked away.
"Mm-hm.." followed by something she mumbled. "I prefer the second option, so let's follow that one," she threw another glance into the direction of the entrance and then added, breathlessly, "for now."
"Yes," I brought out, trying to look unaffected.
"This, of course, brings up other options, but this time they are not meant for me to be followed. I'll tell you the two options that my decision has left you with. When I walk away, you can decide to do... Well.. Nothing. You just stare at my back until I've walked towards the entrance, hugged Patrick and walked away with him, without having looked back at you one last time. But there's another option. When I walk away, you could choose to follow." The last few words, she uttered in a way as if she stretched every syllable. "Again, I prefer the second one. I prefer you coming after me, calling my name and touching my elbow. I prefer you asking me what the fuck this all means and if this really is what I want. And I prefer you to call me a bitch." The look in her eyes was cold and distanced when I looked back at her,- she almost looked like a stranger. Do all girls change this radically over the course of one conversation?
"This is the moment where I walk away and try to say goodbye, in case you're not coming after me." She smiled that crooked smile of hers. It was the best thing about her,- it was completely real and didn't leave any questions whatsoever behind with me. "As you can see, I'm not really good at it though," she continued nervously, fidgeting her sleeve. "Well.. I guess I'll see you around, then. Bye, David."
I didn't say anything. I mean, what would you have said? What the fuck...
"Hey, Steph! Steph!! Wait up!" Before I knew it, I stood in front of her again and did all of the things she told me she preferred. "Why are you telling me all this?! We haven't been together in private since.. Last March. Why the fuck are you telling me all this, Steph?"
Her eyes crawled back up again, starting at my feet and ending at the most personal spot a person possesses... The soul. Still, she did not say a word. She wanted me to go through the hell of having to repeat everything she mentioned before.
"Is this what you want? What is it that you want, anyway? What did I do? I didn't do anything. I have always been honest with you and I have always been as clear as I could be. I even kept your jacket aside for you to come pick it up, but you never came. What did I do?!"
No motion. No motion, whatsoever. I thought I saw her hands turn into tight fists, at the sides of her body, but I didn't care, actually. It were her eyes that were impersonal; it were the eyes that got to me. I didn't know this person.
"Jesus, Steph, why are you being such a bitch? Why are you doing this? What do you want me to say?!" I threw my hands in the air, hopelessly. Wanting to find something else to vex my attention on to calm myself down a bit and to, once more, seem a tad careless, my eyes shot at the bench where the couple had been sitting a couple of minutes before. They had left.
Stephanie looked at me for a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity, but at the same time, she would never seem to take long enough. And then she smiled. Her lips curled and as she chuckled softly, her eyes rolled. Her body loosened up a little bit and she looked natural again,- herself. She blinked and for a moment it seemed like she was looking in the direction of the bloke at the entrance of the park again, but then she blinked once more and focused her look on our feet.
"Do you really think you've always been honest with me?" she asked, and she looked back up at me, comprehensively.
NO, I DON'T, but it's not like you'd understand anyway, would you? Jesus Christ...
"What do you want me to say?" The lumps in my throat hadn't come back and I was trying not to scream and make a scene in the middle of the park. I felt completely hopeless and stupid and to make matters even worse, I felt her eyes piercing into my soul and I heard the sweet laughter I had always loved so much about her. Right now, however, it couldn't possibly be more of a curse.
"I'll tell you something. If you would have been honest from the beginning, I would not be having this fucking conversation with you this very moment; it would not have been too late. But like I said, I have a boyfriend now, and that is the end of our story," she said, with ever so piercing eyes. Every single word she used to emphasise what she was saying, felt like a hammer slamming me against the side of the head; slowly, painfully.
That's it, then, I thought.
But it wasn't.
"You hurt me, so I guess this was my turn to hurt you. I just wanted to see if I could hurt you just as much as you could hurt me," she whispered, her voice hoarse and fragile.
Carefully not to make any sudden movements, she leaned in cautiously to hold my elbow tenderly and then gave me the softest kiss I had ever had, on her favourite place of the corner of my lips.
"Goodbye, David," she said, with another crook smile. This smile, I also knew; depending on to which side her mouth hung, I knew if she meant it or not. She didn't, right now.
"Goodbye," I whispered.
Her lips curled a bit up again and her eyes looked friendly now, comprehensive. It was almost as if she looked sorry. She let go of my elbow and as she let her arm hang down, I felt two of her fingers stroke my underarm slightly. She stopped smiling and then turned around. I watched her walk towards Patrick and give him a hug. He looked at me, questioning. Quickly, I broke the eye-contact by looking at the floor and tried to make my mind clear of all thoughts.
I don't know for how long I stood there like that, but when I looked up, Stephanie and the guy that came with her had already left. I felt.. Blanked, cold; but at the same time all sorts of thoughts were racing through my mind with the speed of light and I felt my cheeks glowing,- of unbelief, anger.. Fear.
The moment I took off to go home, I saw the guy that had been sitting on the bench with his girlfriend coming towards me. He was holding something and as he drew closer, I saw it was a small piece of paper. He handed it over to me. "She asked me to give you this," he said. "Take care, man." He gave me a pat on the shoulder and then disappeared out of my life.
Trying badly not to stumble over my own feet, I walked slowly to the bench the couple had been sitting on. After fidgeting for a short while with fingers that were stiff from the cold and trembling heavily because of the adrenaline rushing through my veins, I finally unfolded the piece of paper and flattened it on my knee. It didn't take me long to recognise the handwriting on it, or the words that were written in it. I stopped reading when my eyes were half-way the surface of the paper. I never cried. Never.
"Oh my god," I breathed out. I am so sorry.
I fail.
I need to edit it quite a lot, but I can't be bothered at the moment, to be honest, as I'm in a terrible piss-mood and just want to throw vases against the wall and smack my head against it as well. Or something like that, at least.
Hope you all are doing better.
THE PARK:
"I don't have much time, because Patrick's waiting for me." She threw a glance in the direction of the entrance of the park. I followed the direction of her eyes and could see that, just around the corner, there stood a broad bloke, with his arms crossed over each other. He was obviously waiting for something,- or someone. She looked at me again and continued talking: "..but I just wanted to say a couple of things."
I gulped the lump in my throat down and said: "What?"
Her eyes scrutinised me. They were bright blue and they seemed to look right through me whenever she was playing this trick on me. She knew I couldn't handle her looking at me that way,- I never told her, but she should definitely have noticed. Don't girls always notice those things? I found it so hard to look straight back at her, but I tried. I really did. What do you want?
"I have a boyfriend," she said.
What?
"I have a boyfriend and I came here to tell you so. This leaves me two options. It leaves me the option to tell you that I have a boyfriend, but that I still want you." Pause. I looked at her, I guess a bit confused. She looked to the floor and then quickly added: "Just physically, of course," she shrugged, found my eyes again. "We would continue whatever it is we had before it stopped and we wouldn't tell anyone. It would be our own, exciting secret." I still looked at her. I was doing pretty well, I think. But for how long?
She sighed, then continued. "This would be the entire story and the entire truth as well, now it comes to that. But there is another option." Pause. I noted she was struggling to keep looking right at me, yet still she went on. "The second option I have, is to tell you that I have a boyfriend and that would be it,- that would be the entire story. And it's true, it's not a lie or anything. I would just pretend that there wasn't more to tell and you would just have to pretend I had never mentioned the first option."
I nodded, tried to push another lump in my throat down. It fell right into my stomach.
I couldn't look at her anymore, so I decided to try to carelessly look at a couple that was sitting on one of the benches in the park, on Stephanie's left hand and my right. "Right," I was able to push over my lips, but only barely. I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable, as the seconds ticked away.
"Mm-hm.." followed by something she mumbled. "I prefer the second option, so let's follow that one," she threw another glance into the direction of the entrance and then added, breathlessly, "for now."
"Yes," I brought out, trying to look unaffected.
"This, of course, brings up other options, but this time they are not meant for me to be followed. I'll tell you the two options that my decision has left you with. When I walk away, you can decide to do... Well.. Nothing. You just stare at my back until I've walked towards the entrance, hugged Patrick and walked away with him, without having looked back at you one last time. But there's another option. When I walk away, you could choose to follow." The last few words, she uttered in a way as if she stretched every syllable. "Again, I prefer the second one. I prefer you coming after me, calling my name and touching my elbow. I prefer you asking me what the fuck this all means and if this really is what I want. And I prefer you to call me a bitch." The look in her eyes was cold and distanced when I looked back at her,- she almost looked like a stranger. Do all girls change this radically over the course of one conversation?
"This is the moment where I walk away and try to say goodbye, in case you're not coming after me." She smiled that crooked smile of hers. It was the best thing about her,- it was completely real and didn't leave any questions whatsoever behind with me. "As you can see, I'm not really good at it though," she continued nervously, fidgeting her sleeve. "Well.. I guess I'll see you around, then. Bye, David."
I didn't say anything. I mean, what would you have said? What the fuck...
"Hey, Steph! Steph!! Wait up!" Before I knew it, I stood in front of her again and did all of the things she told me she preferred. "Why are you telling me all this?! We haven't been together in private since.. Last March. Why the fuck are you telling me all this, Steph?"
Her eyes crawled back up again, starting at my feet and ending at the most personal spot a person possesses... The soul. Still, she did not say a word. She wanted me to go through the hell of having to repeat everything she mentioned before.
"Is this what you want? What is it that you want, anyway? What did I do? I didn't do anything. I have always been honest with you and I have always been as clear as I could be. I even kept your jacket aside for you to come pick it up, but you never came. What did I do?!"
No motion. No motion, whatsoever. I thought I saw her hands turn into tight fists, at the sides of her body, but I didn't care, actually. It were her eyes that were impersonal; it were the eyes that got to me. I didn't know this person.
"Jesus, Steph, why are you being such a bitch? Why are you doing this? What do you want me to say?!" I threw my hands in the air, hopelessly. Wanting to find something else to vex my attention on to calm myself down a bit and to, once more, seem a tad careless, my eyes shot at the bench where the couple had been sitting a couple of minutes before. They had left.
Stephanie looked at me for a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity, but at the same time, she would never seem to take long enough. And then she smiled. Her lips curled and as she chuckled softly, her eyes rolled. Her body loosened up a little bit and she looked natural again,- herself. She blinked and for a moment it seemed like she was looking in the direction of the bloke at the entrance of the park again, but then she blinked once more and focused her look on our feet.
"Do you really think you've always been honest with me?" she asked, and she looked back up at me, comprehensively.
NO, I DON'T, but it's not like you'd understand anyway, would you? Jesus Christ...
"What do you want me to say?" The lumps in my throat hadn't come back and I was trying not to scream and make a scene in the middle of the park. I felt completely hopeless and stupid and to make matters even worse, I felt her eyes piercing into my soul and I heard the sweet laughter I had always loved so much about her. Right now, however, it couldn't possibly be more of a curse.
"I'll tell you something. If you would have been honest from the beginning, I would not be having this fucking conversation with you this very moment; it would not have been too late. But like I said, I have a boyfriend now, and that is the end of our story," she said, with ever so piercing eyes. Every single word she used to emphasise what she was saying, felt like a hammer slamming me against the side of the head; slowly, painfully.
That's it, then, I thought.
But it wasn't.
"You hurt me, so I guess this was my turn to hurt you. I just wanted to see if I could hurt you just as much as you could hurt me," she whispered, her voice hoarse and fragile.
Carefully not to make any sudden movements, she leaned in cautiously to hold my elbow tenderly and then gave me the softest kiss I had ever had, on her favourite place of the corner of my lips.
"Goodbye, David," she said, with another crook smile. This smile, I also knew; depending on to which side her mouth hung, I knew if she meant it or not. She didn't, right now.
"Goodbye," I whispered.
Her lips curled a bit up again and her eyes looked friendly now, comprehensive. It was almost as if she looked sorry. She let go of my elbow and as she let her arm hang down, I felt two of her fingers stroke my underarm slightly. She stopped smiling and then turned around. I watched her walk towards Patrick and give him a hug. He looked at me, questioning. Quickly, I broke the eye-contact by looking at the floor and tried to make my mind clear of all thoughts.
I don't know for how long I stood there like that, but when I looked up, Stephanie and the guy that came with her had already left. I felt.. Blanked, cold; but at the same time all sorts of thoughts were racing through my mind with the speed of light and I felt my cheeks glowing,- of unbelief, anger.. Fear.
The moment I took off to go home, I saw the guy that had been sitting on the bench with his girlfriend coming towards me. He was holding something and as he drew closer, I saw it was a small piece of paper. He handed it over to me. "She asked me to give you this," he said. "Take care, man." He gave me a pat on the shoulder and then disappeared out of my life.
Trying badly not to stumble over my own feet, I walked slowly to the bench the couple had been sitting on. After fidgeting for a short while with fingers that were stiff from the cold and trembling heavily because of the adrenaline rushing through my veins, I finally unfolded the piece of paper and flattened it on my knee. It didn't take me long to recognise the handwriting on it, or the words that were written in it. I stopped reading when my eyes were half-way the surface of the paper. I never cried. Never.
"Oh my god," I breathed out. I am so sorry.
17.1.09
Wah, so fantastic & fantastically confusing.
Dearest people of all,
Yesterday I went to Pacific Place to meet up with Billy.
I don't believe I have ever properly mentioned Billy before.
I hate to mention certain names too often, but to portray who he is and how I know him, I'm afraid I have to mention the shittiest name in existence. Greg. It's not as if I met him through Greg or anything, but I met him on the same evening. Now, as I recall, I have never mentioned when I met Greg either, so that might be a problem. But now I come to think of it: it's only a problem if you want it to. Anyway, let's proceed, shall we?
I've known Billy for a month now and i don't know, but since the moment we met I had this.. Feeling. There's not really a way for me to properly explain it. I sort of knew that something was going to happen, whether it'd be good or bad didn't really matter. He was pretty drunk the night we met and couldn't even properly remember my name (he called me Claudia when I asked him if he remembered my name) and after having not seen him for about 10 minutes (he disappeared all of a sudden), he was back and asked me for my number. 'I'd like to meet you, can I have your number?'
My immediate response was a bit ..dodgy: 'How about when you're sober?'
I kinda liked him from the beginning though, but I just don't give my number to people of whom it's the first time I've seen them, especially not if they're drunk. But yeah- I don't have a cell phone anyway (no joke)(I know, don't ask, it's painful), so it wasn't that big a deal, I guess.
When Greg was teaching me how to juggle the evening we all met, Billy jumped in between us and said: 'Watch him, he's very inappropriate!' I answered with: 'I noticed. In the time he's been supposedly teaching me how to juggle, he's touched my breast about 4 times already.' Greg decided to make it a little worse: 'What? You actually saw that? I thought I was being subtle.. Well, what can I say? I'm British. I can't help myself.'
Pig.
This completely portrays what he's like and how much I can't stand him.
So ok, how I ended up going to Billy's yesterday, is pretty obvious. We kept in touch over Facebook and MSN and at one point, his ex-girlfriend (that I know through work) asked me if we were going out. I told her we weren't ('If you mean Billy and I.. No, we're not. At least not yet. I don't know..') and she started to tell me how he mentioned me a couple of times and that he liked me. I didn't know what to believe, but after she mentioned it, I did notice how much we talked and the way we talked. I decided to just.. Ask him.
I said: 'Don't get me wrong, sometimes my mind plays dirty tricks on me, so I get things completely wrong and I make a complete and utter fool out of myself.. But, I get the notion that you like me. Sorry if I get it wrong, though..' and his immediate response was: 'Your mind is not playing tricks on you. Now, I get the notion that you like me too,' to which I couldn't do anything but be frank: 'Well observed.'
Got there, 10 minutes late. Some of you would say: 'Fashionably late!', but I'm not a fan of being late. Anywhere. I always feel terrible. But this time I had a good excuse! My sister and I were being stalked by this guy from Pakistan who wanted our numbers. He kept on talking to us about being our best friend now and how his brother was going to be married on the 1st of March. Good for you.. I mean, I was really happy for the guy and he was really nice ('I think you are very sweet and bootiful girls'), but I mean come on. He was just.. Gross. Bleh, ANYWAY (:
I got there, 10 minutes late, and I started to rant about what had happened, considering the Pakistan-guy. We went up to his apartment (absolutely GORGEOUS!! I felt like getting my camera out of my bag and taking pictures of everything. What absolute taste those people have- it's INSANE!!) and watched 2 movies: Mallrats and Breakfast At Tiffany's (I know right! He made me watch a guy-movie and I made him watch a girl-movie. Choice was easily made which movie it was going to be).
Then we kissed (I don't want to go into details about that, thank you) and then again and then some more. Then we had dinner with les parents (wah, great dinner. The dad cooked and it was just.. Great. There's no other word for it) and, in my opinion, that went well. I asked Billy if his parents liked me and he said they did. 'How can you tell?' I asked.
'They're my parents. I just notice,- it's the way they act.'
Well, whether they like me or not: I love them. Great people. They were so nice to me and the mother was talking about the First Date with the father and it was just stunning to see those people fall back in love again. Amazing.
I hope I don't screw up when I see them next time.
BECAUSE YES! THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME.
There was a little slip in the language, though, I'm afraid. I suck at English, when it comes to speaking, but I'm pretty keen on the exact meaning of certain words and of how and when to use them. Billy is leaving in half a year for the US, to go to University there. I told him how I would kill myself if I would fall in love with him (Billy is exactly the kind of guy I would fall in love with and then get my heart broken over) and after about.. 2 sentences? Yeah, something like that. After about 2 sentences he asked me if I would be his girlfriend for the time being; between now and half a year from now. 'Would you be my girlfriend?'
Now, I don't know, but the word 'would' doesn't mean the same as the word 'will', does it? I'm a huge language-freak and I just.. It just doesn't mean the same thing. I said: 'I would be, yes.'
I said I would be.
Then I got on my bus and went home.
Billy's great. I really like him. But I don't know what to do about this. We're together now, I suppose, and that is all fine with me. Whenever I am with him, I feel great. I feel beautiful and at ease and I don't want to leave. When I'm with him, I don't think about July, I don't think about broken hearts, I just think about having a good time, as long as it lasts. But then when he's gone, I start freaking out about July, I start to panic about what might happen. I might fall in love, I might get my heart broken, etc.. But then again, that's not a 'will'. I won't necessarily fall in love and get my heart broken.
So, YES. I don't know what to do. I guess.. Nothing? Just staying with him (:
This means I don't need an excuse to say 'no' to Greg anymore, which is actually pretty convenient, IF the DICK ever decides to contact me again. Blegh. He's so disgusting. I just want that DVD out of my bag, out of my house.
I think that a nice conclusion to this shit post might be the words:
I really like Billy.
[If this is the last post I will post in a long time, it is because I have been smacking my head against a brick wall, after having found out that Billy read this post.]
Yesterday I went to Pacific Place to meet up with Billy.
I don't believe I have ever properly mentioned Billy before.
I hate to mention certain names too often, but to portray who he is and how I know him, I'm afraid I have to mention the shittiest name in existence. Greg. It's not as if I met him through Greg or anything, but I met him on the same evening. Now, as I recall, I have never mentioned when I met Greg either, so that might be a problem. But now I come to think of it: it's only a problem if you want it to. Anyway, let's proceed, shall we?
I've known Billy for a month now and i don't know, but since the moment we met I had this.. Feeling. There's not really a way for me to properly explain it. I sort of knew that something was going to happen, whether it'd be good or bad didn't really matter. He was pretty drunk the night we met and couldn't even properly remember my name (he called me Claudia when I asked him if he remembered my name) and after having not seen him for about 10 minutes (he disappeared all of a sudden), he was back and asked me for my number. 'I'd like to meet you, can I have your number?'
My immediate response was a bit ..dodgy: 'How about when you're sober?'
I kinda liked him from the beginning though, but I just don't give my number to people of whom it's the first time I've seen them, especially not if they're drunk. But yeah- I don't have a cell phone anyway (no joke)(I know, don't ask, it's painful), so it wasn't that big a deal, I guess.
When Greg was teaching me how to juggle the evening we all met, Billy jumped in between us and said: 'Watch him, he's very inappropriate!' I answered with: 'I noticed. In the time he's been supposedly teaching me how to juggle, he's touched my breast about 4 times already.' Greg decided to make it a little worse: 'What? You actually saw that? I thought I was being subtle.. Well, what can I say? I'm British. I can't help myself.'
Pig.
This completely portrays what he's like and how much I can't stand him.
So ok, how I ended up going to Billy's yesterday, is pretty obvious. We kept in touch over Facebook and MSN and at one point, his ex-girlfriend (that I know through work) asked me if we were going out. I told her we weren't ('If you mean Billy and I.. No, we're not. At least not yet. I don't know..') and she started to tell me how he mentioned me a couple of times and that he liked me. I didn't know what to believe, but after she mentioned it, I did notice how much we talked and the way we talked. I decided to just.. Ask him.
I said: 'Don't get me wrong, sometimes my mind plays dirty tricks on me, so I get things completely wrong and I make a complete and utter fool out of myself.. But, I get the notion that you like me. Sorry if I get it wrong, though..' and his immediate response was: 'Your mind is not playing tricks on you. Now, I get the notion that you like me too,' to which I couldn't do anything but be frank: 'Well observed.'
Got there, 10 minutes late. Some of you would say: 'Fashionably late!', but I'm not a fan of being late. Anywhere. I always feel terrible. But this time I had a good excuse! My sister and I were being stalked by this guy from Pakistan who wanted our numbers. He kept on talking to us about being our best friend now and how his brother was going to be married on the 1st of March. Good for you.. I mean, I was really happy for the guy and he was really nice ('I think you are very sweet and bootiful girls'), but I mean come on. He was just.. Gross. Bleh, ANYWAY (:
I got there, 10 minutes late, and I started to rant about what had happened, considering the Pakistan-guy. We went up to his apartment (absolutely GORGEOUS!! I felt like getting my camera out of my bag and taking pictures of everything. What absolute taste those people have- it's INSANE!!) and watched 2 movies: Mallrats and Breakfast At Tiffany's (I know right! He made me watch a guy-movie and I made him watch a girl-movie. Choice was easily made which movie it was going to be).
Then we kissed (I don't want to go into details about that, thank you) and then again and then some more. Then we had dinner with les parents (wah, great dinner. The dad cooked and it was just.. Great. There's no other word for it) and, in my opinion, that went well. I asked Billy if his parents liked me and he said they did. 'How can you tell?' I asked.
'They're my parents. I just notice,- it's the way they act.'
Well, whether they like me or not: I love them. Great people. They were so nice to me and the mother was talking about the First Date with the father and it was just stunning to see those people fall back in love again. Amazing.
I hope I don't screw up when I see them next time.
BECAUSE YES! THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME.
There was a little slip in the language, though, I'm afraid. I suck at English, when it comes to speaking, but I'm pretty keen on the exact meaning of certain words and of how and when to use them. Billy is leaving in half a year for the US, to go to University there. I told him how I would kill myself if I would fall in love with him (Billy is exactly the kind of guy I would fall in love with and then get my heart broken over) and after about.. 2 sentences? Yeah, something like that. After about 2 sentences he asked me if I would be his girlfriend for the time being; between now and half a year from now. 'Would you be my girlfriend?'
Now, I don't know, but the word 'would' doesn't mean the same as the word 'will', does it? I'm a huge language-freak and I just.. It just doesn't mean the same thing. I said: 'I would be, yes.'
I said I would be.
Then I got on my bus and went home.
Billy's great. I really like him. But I don't know what to do about this. We're together now, I suppose, and that is all fine with me. Whenever I am with him, I feel great. I feel beautiful and at ease and I don't want to leave. When I'm with him, I don't think about July, I don't think about broken hearts, I just think about having a good time, as long as it lasts. But then when he's gone, I start freaking out about July, I start to panic about what might happen. I might fall in love, I might get my heart broken, etc.. But then again, that's not a 'will'. I won't necessarily fall in love and get my heart broken.
So, YES. I don't know what to do. I guess.. Nothing? Just staying with him (:
This means I don't need an excuse to say 'no' to Greg anymore, which is actually pretty convenient, IF the DICK ever decides to contact me again. Blegh. He's so disgusting. I just want that DVD out of my bag, out of my house.
I think that a nice conclusion to this shit post might be the words:
I really like Billy.
[If this is the last post I will post in a long time, it is because I have been smacking my head against a brick wall, after having found out that Billy read this post.]
CHECKMATE!
Here are two of the songs from the musical Chess (concert performance). One of the best things that has ever happened to me. The lyrics are amazing and the voices are just indescribable. I love it!
I also have a lot to tell you (considering Billy), but I shall do that in another post, first thing tomorrow, as I am pretty tired after today.
I hope you like the songs. I'm absolutely addicted to them; hardly listen to anything but this musical nowadays.
Take care, everybody!
Heaven Help My Heart (Idina Menzel):
I Know Him So Well (Idina Menzel + Kerry Ellis):
I also have a lot to tell you (considering Billy), but I shall do that in another post, first thing tomorrow, as I am pretty tired after today.
I hope you like the songs. I'm absolutely addicted to them; hardly listen to anything but this musical nowadays.
Take care, everybody!
Heaven Help My Heart (Idina Menzel):
I Know Him So Well (Idina Menzel + Kerry Ellis):
16.1.09
My one true love; Fernando Pessoa.
XIX
Beauty and love let no one separate,
Whom exact Nature did to each other fit,
Giving to Beauty love as finishing fate
And to Love beauty as true colour of it.
Let he but friend be who the soul finds fair,
And none dare love outside the body's thought,
So the seen couple's togetherness shall bear
Truth to the beauty each in the other sought.
I could but love thee out of mockery
Of love and thee and mine own ugliness;
Therefore thy beauty I sing and wish not thee,
Thanking the Gods I long not out of place,
Lest, like a slave that for kings' robes doth long,
Obtained, shall with mere wearing do them wrong.
Beauty and love let no one separate,
Whom exact Nature did to each other fit,
Giving to Beauty love as finishing fate
And to Love beauty as true colour of it.
Let he but friend be who the soul finds fair,
And none dare love outside the body's thought,
So the seen couple's togetherness shall bear
Truth to the beauty each in the other sought.
I could but love thee out of mockery
Of love and thee and mine own ugliness;
Therefore thy beauty I sing and wish not thee,
Thanking the Gods I long not out of place,
Lest, like a slave that for kings' robes doth long,
Obtained, shall with mere wearing do them wrong.
XX
When in the widening circle of rebirth
To a new flesh my travelled soul shall come,
And try again the unremembered earth
With the old sadness for the immortal home,
Shall I revisit these same differing fields
And cull the old new flowers with the same sense,
That some small breath of foiled remembrance yields,
Of more age than my days in this pretence?
Shall I again regret strange faces lost
Of which the present memory is forgot
And but in unseen bulks of vangueness tossed
Out of the closed sea and black night of Thought?
Where thy face one, what sweetness will't not be,
Though by blind feeling, to remember thee!
When in the widening circle of rebirth
To a new flesh my travelled soul shall come,
And try again the unremembered earth
With the old sadness for the immortal home,
Shall I revisit these same differing fields
And cull the old new flowers with the same sense,
That some small breath of foiled remembrance yields,
Of more age than my days in this pretence?
Shall I again regret strange faces lost
Of which the present memory is forgot
And but in unseen bulks of vangueness tossed
Out of the closed sea and black night of Thought?
Where thy face one, what sweetness will't not be,
Though by blind feeling, to remember thee!
12 x me (:
There is nothing else to do, but waiting for 'certain people' to contact me in order for my heart to be at ease again. My parents just watched the movie Jaws and I decided to write a list of my favourite things. I was thinking of adding a couple of things to the list, like 'Scent' and 'University', but I decided it was better to put that in another blogpost, as this one turned out to become longer and longer by the second.
There are many things missing in the list I wrote, but my mind still appears to be on the stand-by mode and I couldn't think of anything better to write. When I remember things that definitely should be in the list, but aren't right now, I'll add them as soon as possible!
I feel bad for not uploading a picture for each city I wrote down, but I think it would turn out to be too many, lol. Same goes for the movies and books, but I'm guessing you already came to that conclusion.
Going to bed now. Hopefully going out tomorrow, so I can see Billy (and others) again!
Ta!
Love you!
-Camilla.
1. Clothes shop: Cotton On, Stradivarius, Zara, 8O's Plus and In&Out. Random order.
2. Furniture shop: Flea+Cents (in Wan Chai).
3. Sweet: Drop (liquorish. Yes, that's Dutch)! Poffertjes (really tiny pancakes, also Dutch).
4. City: Hong Kong, NYC, Lisbon, Paris, Venice, Amsterdam, Moscow, Berlin, Prague. I freaking love traveling!
5. Drink: Bubble tea, Blow Jobs, Champagne, diet coke, Strawberry Margherita.
6. Music: old skool jazz (from original Frank Sinatra to modern Room Eleven and Club Gare Du Nord), old skool rock (Elvis, the Hives, etc.), musical songs (RENT, Chess, Wicked, etc.).
7. Tv-Series: Ally McBeal, House M.D., Pride&Prejudice (BBC), Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word. Ah-men.
8. Film: Amadeus, El Orfanato (the Orphanage), V for Vendetta, Cold Mountain, the Kite Runner, the Matrix, RENT, Million Dollar Baby, Sense&Sensibility, Girl Interrupted, Alles is Liefde (Everything is Love), Pursuit of Happyness, Save the Last Dance, Bridget Jones' Diary, 7 Years In Tibet, Sound Of Music, My Fair Lady, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Juno, Lord of the Rings (all 3), the Moulin Rouge, Titanic. So many movies that deserve to be in here, but aren't.. There are just too many to list; I'm a genuine movie-freak!
9. Workout: Latin dance, dance excercises. Yoga, kick-fit (thai kick-boxing). I walk up 6 floors every single morning at school, sometimes 8 (WAH! MADNESS!).
10. Pastries: bolo de bolacha (biscuit-cake), home-made chocolate-cake (by mom) and bolussen (kind of like cinammon rolls, but then better! Dutch as well). Yum!
11. Coffee: Mocca frappuccino, gingerbread latte. Starbucks.
12. Book: Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte), Emma (Jane Austen), Sense&Sensibility (Jane Austen), The Beautiful And Damned (F. Scott Fitzgerald), The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald), Lord of the Rings triology (J.R.R. Tolkien), Of Mice And Men (John Steinbeck), Cold Mountain (Charles Frazier), The Alchemist (Paolo Coelho), Eleven Minutes (Paolo Coelho), Like The Flowing River (Paolo Coelho), The Tenth Circle (Jodi Picoult), Killing Me Softly (Nicci French), A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Housseini), The Kite Runner (Khaled Housseini), Othello (William Shakespeare), Harry Potter series (J.K. Rowling). Again: there are just too many great books to list up here. And there are just too many of those I still want to read. What happens to the time?
There are many things missing in the list I wrote, but my mind still appears to be on the stand-by mode and I couldn't think of anything better to write. When I remember things that definitely should be in the list, but aren't right now, I'll add them as soon as possible!
I feel bad for not uploading a picture for each city I wrote down, but I think it would turn out to be too many, lol. Same goes for the movies and books, but I'm guessing you already came to that conclusion.
Going to bed now. Hopefully going out tomorrow, so I can see Billy (and others) again!
Ta!
Love you!
-Camilla.
1. Clothes shop: Cotton On, Stradivarius, Zara, 8O's Plus and In&Out. Random order.
2. Furniture shop: Flea+Cents (in Wan Chai).
3. Sweet: Drop (liquorish. Yes, that's Dutch)! Poffertjes (really tiny pancakes, also Dutch).
4. City: Hong Kong, NYC, Lisbon, Paris, Venice, Amsterdam, Moscow, Berlin, Prague. I freaking love traveling!
5. Drink: Bubble tea, Blow Jobs, Champagne, diet coke, Strawberry Margherita.
6. Music: old skool jazz (from original Frank Sinatra to modern Room Eleven and Club Gare Du Nord), old skool rock (Elvis, the Hives, etc.), musical songs (RENT, Chess, Wicked, etc.).
7. Tv-Series: Ally McBeal, House M.D., Pride&Prejudice (BBC), Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy, The L Word. Ah-men.
8. Film: Amadeus, El Orfanato (the Orphanage), V for Vendetta, Cold Mountain, the Kite Runner, the Matrix, RENT, Million Dollar Baby, Sense&Sensibility, Girl Interrupted, Alles is Liefde (Everything is Love), Pursuit of Happyness, Save the Last Dance, Bridget Jones' Diary, 7 Years In Tibet, Sound Of Music, My Fair Lady, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Juno, Lord of the Rings (all 3), the Moulin Rouge, Titanic. So many movies that deserve to be in here, but aren't.. There are just too many to list; I'm a genuine movie-freak!
9. Workout: Latin dance, dance excercises. Yoga, kick-fit (thai kick-boxing). I walk up 6 floors every single morning at school, sometimes 8 (WAH! MADNESS!).
10. Pastries: bolo de bolacha (biscuit-cake), home-made chocolate-cake (by mom) and bolussen (kind of like cinammon rolls, but then better! Dutch as well). Yum!
11. Coffee: Mocca frappuccino, gingerbread latte. Starbucks.
12. Book: Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte), Emma (Jane Austen), Sense&Sensibility (Jane Austen), The Beautiful And Damned (F. Scott Fitzgerald), The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald), Lord of the Rings triology (J.R.R. Tolkien), Of Mice And Men (John Steinbeck), Cold Mountain (Charles Frazier), The Alchemist (Paolo Coelho), Eleven Minutes (Paolo Coelho), Like The Flowing River (Paolo Coelho), The Tenth Circle (Jodi Picoult), Killing Me Softly (Nicci French), A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Housseini), The Kite Runner (Khaled Housseini), Othello (William Shakespeare), Harry Potter series (J.K. Rowling). Again: there are just too many great books to list up here. And there are just too many of those I still want to read. What happens to the time?
Heaven help my heart ♥
If it were love, I would give that love every second I had.
And I do.
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
Did I plan
doing all of this for the love of a man?
Well, I let it happen anyhow
and what I'm feeling now,
has no easy explanation;
reason plays no part ..
Heaven help my heart;
I love him too much .
What if he saw my whole existence,
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?
One of these days, and it won't be long,
he'll know more about me
than he should .
All my dreams will be understood ;
no surprise..
Nothing more to learn from the look in my eyes..
Don't you know that time is not my friend?
I'll fight it to the end ,
hoping to keep that best of moments,
when the passions start .
Heaven help my heart
the day that I find
suddenly I've run out of secrets ;
suddenly I'm not always on his mind ..
Maybe it's best to love a stranger.
Well, that's what I've done;
- heaven help my heart..
Heaven help my heart .
And I do.
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
Did I plan
doing all of this for the love of a man?
Well, I let it happen anyhow
and what I'm feeling now,
has no easy explanation;
reason plays no part ..
Heaven help my heart;
I love him too much .
What if he saw my whole existence,
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?
One of these days, and it won't be long,
he'll know more about me
than he should .
All my dreams will be understood ;
no surprise..
Nothing more to learn from the look in my eyes..
Don't you know that time is not my friend?
I'll fight it to the end ,
hoping to keep that best of moments,
when the passions start .
Heaven help my heart
the day that I find
suddenly I've run out of secrets ;
suddenly I'm not always on his mind ..
Maybe it's best to love a stranger.
Well, that's what I've done;
- heaven help my heart..
Heaven help my heart .
Ooohh, how irresistibly peng!
LOVEBIRDS!
I'll try to be casual, I'll try to smile.
Still haven't heard from Greg. Do I care? No. Is it inappropriate? Very.
I asked him when he would be able to get his dvd back, but he hasn't replied yet. It's been a week.
Ok, let's do this again.
Do I care? A little bit. Is it inappropriate? Very much so.
He told me his internet would get cut maybe, because he didn't pay the bills. It might be that. But even then, he should be able to contact me someplace else, right?
One more time.
Do I care? Of course I freaking do! Is it inappropriate? Hell yes.
SOME pictures of what I was wearing today. I can't find my camera.. I can't have lost it, but my head is just too much of a mess at the moment and that is being reflected on my environment, hence I can't find my camera. I used photobooth to take the pictures, so it's only le upper-body this time.
I'll try to be casual, I'll try to smile.
Still haven't heard from Greg. Do I care? No. Is it inappropriate? Very.
I asked him when he would be able to get his dvd back, but he hasn't replied yet. It's been a week.
Ok, let's do this again.
Do I care? A little bit. Is it inappropriate? Very much so.
He told me his internet would get cut maybe, because he didn't pay the bills. It might be that. But even then, he should be able to contact me someplace else, right?
One more time.
Do I care? Of course I freaking do! Is it inappropriate? Hell yes.
SOME pictures of what I was wearing today. I can't find my camera.. I can't have lost it, but my head is just too much of a mess at the moment and that is being reflected on my environment, hence I can't find my camera. I used photobooth to take the pictures, so it's only le upper-body this time.
15.1.09
Let's pretend not to be individuals and follow the crowd.
A picture I found in my folder with pictures of our house and surroundings. This is a picture of our swimming pool, in the back yard. As you can see, there is an amazing view that includes some of the sea (of which I have better pictures, however). The 'mountains' you can see, are other parts of Hong Kong Island; the side we have our view on from the swimming pool (on the picture), is where Ocean Park is, where the cable-thingies are and where 'the Peak' is. Our view is one of the things I value most about our house and I hope to be able to enjoy it a little longer.Some other pictures of our view:
And now it's your turn!
I tag Ailynn, Rita Mary and 'Fashion Chalet'.
I want you to show me what the fourth picture from your fourth picture-holding folder is. Tell me what's on it and tag some other members of the blogging community!
Let's forget being individuals for a bit and join the cult!
Sickkkk.
This is what I look like when I am sick and I cannot stop coughing until my eyes start to sting because of the tears coming up.My wrist looks a bit freaky, but hey, at least I don't have three nipples or something, so it's all good.
I can't help being so hot.
I hate my glasses. I have way cooler ones, but these are my 'when-I-am-sick-
and-have-nobody-to-be-cool-for'-glasses.Do you have certain things you only wear when you're sick and home alone? What are they?
Haha. I should really go to the hairdresser shortly. I really want to cut my hair the way it's on the picture I posted sometime earlier in the blogpost 'I cut my hair and drink a latte. Lalala.', but my mother was being a genuine bitch about it, whereas all the people around me told me that they thought it would look good on me.
Wah, dillemma.
Pictures and thoughts.
Yay.
I promised the lovely Rita Mary I would post some outfits on my blog. I'm still sick, however, and that is not a great state to be in when you're putting on different outfits and taking pictures. I look like death warmed up and that's not all too great either.
So I decided to place a picture of myself, considering how all the other pictures I posted on blogspot weren't very recognisable.
So I decided to place a picture of myself, considering how all the other pictures I posted on blogspot weren't very recognisable.
I feel like writing something. I don't know, but it kind of surprised me how long the last story (Juggling Coke Bottles) turned out to be. It's not good, but I'm not going to change it now. It's not supposed to be perfect. The thing with the story is that I have never written about sex like that before. I have written stories in which the personas had sex, but I never mentioned the actual sex; I only made subtle references. Now the strange thing about this all, is that I've never been able to write a longer story than about two A4s, but this story is about 6 of those pages long. I'm wondering if that is a good strange thing or a bad strange thing. If you've read the story, let me know what you think!
After I re-read it myself, I was thinking of maybe writing the same story from the guy's point of view. Then I thought of writing a sequel or a prequel even. So like I said: if you've read it, let me know.
I'm quite lost in this maze myself and I value your opinion on what to do next (:
THANKS.
Ok, now a small update on life: there's nothing to update!
I'm watching Season's 2 episode 15 of Gossip Girl right now and the only thing I can bring out is a faint 'oh my.. So so so scandalous!'
Can't wait to see the rest!
On the left a picture of Leighton Meester wearing Monique Lhuillier.
The picture is so simple, so pure.. I can't say anything but: STUNNINGGGG.
I don't think Leighton is exceedingly pretty or anything, but she does have a certain beauty that I cannot quite place.. It's very classic and I think she looks a bit like a porcelain doll most of the time. It's amazing.
Great actress, too! Doesn't happen everyday that you find an actress for a show like Gossip Girl that has actual talent. Wah. Go Leighton!
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