Now where's the pink paint? Let's fuck this white canvas up a bit!

I like writing about things that have never happened to me. I like to imagine what it would be like to have them happening to me. I sometimes cry because I know that it is merely fiction that I write, and life isn’t really a fairytale. It is a tale, indeed, but I don’t know what kind of tale. I hate to admit it, but I think I’d have to agree on Macbeth’s phrases:

“Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing! Signifying… Nothing.”

Sometimes I wonder what I will be remembered as. The random girl? The girl that talked to strangers? The girl with the big nose and a space between her two front-teeth? The girl next door? The exception? The caring one? The jealous one? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’d like to be remembered. Of course it is nice if you’re remembered for who you were, not for what you looked like. But is this realistic? People don’t really know you. I know that, because they don’t know me either,- and I don’t know anyone myself. Who we are, are little cities inside our minds. We are our own architects and we have, subconsciously, chosen to become who we are. External factors helped us in becoming who we are nowadays, but our actions are chosen by ourselves. Maybe the people around us helped us in designing the cities in our heads, but we built them ourselves. We changed what we wanted to change and we have chosen the colours we painted our walls with. Spectators do not know what our cities look like, they can only think they know. They see us walking through our own streets, living lives inside of ourselves. They have to guess what we are seeing: the colours, the shapes, the weather… Sometimes they may be right, most times they’re really not. Sometimes we try to explain, but never will they see. Never will they understand; never will they know.
This is one of the reasons why I like writing so much. Or why I used to like writing so much. It’s the feeling of being in total control of your life and to let people think they know you. When I write in the 1st person, people immediately think I am writing about myself, about something that has happened to me in real life. People think I am just re-telling a situation, whereas I am only building up the city in my head when I'm telling a story. I hardly ever write about myself. I have noticed that as soon as people start to think they know you, they couldn’t be more wrong. That is why Greg scared me with his words, telling me I’m a scared person. He is one of those exceptions you might only run into once. On the other hand, I might as well write about myself and publicise the stuff, because people get the wrong impression of me anyway.

Considering the fact I'm sick at home and didn't even go to school today (I always go to school), I might write another story. The first one this year. It's about time.

Let's finish with another piece of Pierre Balmain.
And one of the best dresses in history. And in the future. I wish I knew the guy. Where he gets his inspiration from.. Is a mystery. Although I must say that the city of Paris isn't that unusual when it comes to arousing inspiration and ideas for a reason....
Love Pierre.

RANDOMS THAT MAKE ME SMILE.

So simple it's almost childish. Some people hate it, others love it.

I'm one of the lovers. How about you?

Brightly coloured skinny jeans: totally my thing. I have a regular pair of skinny jeans and a black pair. Can't live without them. As soon as I wear them, people ask me if I lost weight, which is never a bad thing to hear (:

Why, oh why do I love this picture so much? It's not only the things she's wearing.. True, it's simple, yet 'totes gorge', but it's also the aesthetics of the picture and the use of colour. Being a big fan of photography and what it can do to people, I must say that this is an excellent magazine-pic. (And, omg, the SHOES!)

Love Balmain. Always have, always will. His pieces are timeless and breathtaking. The legs of the models in this picture are a bit scary, but the dresses are making me drool. I love the big smile he has on his face, hehe. My favourites in this picture are his own outfit and the dress on the right. Talk about style!

O amor é uma companhia

O amor é uma companhia.
Já não sei andar só pelos caminhos,
Porque já não posso andar só.
Um pensamento visível faz-me andar mais depressa
E ver menos, e ao mesmo tempo gostar bem de ir vendo tudo.

Mesmo a ausência dela é uma coisa que está comigo.
E eu gosto tanto dela que não sei como a desejar.
Se a não vejo, imagino-a e sou forte como as árvores altas.
Mas se a vejo tremo, não sei o que é feito do que sinto na ausência dela.

Todo eu sou qualquer força que me abandona.
Toda a realidade olha para mim como um girassol com a cara dela no meio.

                                     Alberto Caeiro

I want to jump: over the moon

"I gotta get outta here -
It's like i'm being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse"

I actually do.
I finally know what it's like.
I feel more insignificant than I thought was possible in the first place.
But I guess that that is where I went wrong: assuming that feeling insignificant is finite, whereas it actually isn't. Insignificance is infinite and realising this, makes my heart and soul cringe.

Who needs enemies when they've got 'friends' like you anyway?
I hate love.
I actually hate it.

It's the only thing in the entire essence of existing that is worth hating. The only thing I am capable of hating.



Thank you very much.

I do.

I just want to say that I love you.

Sad sad tree.. You look so cold and loneleee..

And I hate it when you start worrying.
Sometimes I wonder why I even tell you the stuff I tell you. Or why I ever told you the stuff I told you. There is no point in becoming close with someone of whom you know that that person is leaving in half a year. Because that is all we've got: half a year.
It is insane,- this feeling. Everything rages inside of me and you're one of those people who are dangerous in the way that they gain my trust way too easily. I have seen you.. What? 2 times? And we've talked on the phone 2 times as well. I don't know. I just hate it when I give someone my trust and I even hate it more when I do so and that certain person starts to worry about me. Just.. Close your eyes and think of rainbows and multi-coloured butterflies when you're starting to worry, okay? Promise me that.


They took down the lights in the tree in front of our house. It's dark now, cold. I feel lost.
I wish they put them back in.
As far as I can remember, they kept them in for quite a while; even until a bit after Chinese New Year! Maybe I'm just taking this way too personal. Maybe someone up there really has it in for me.. I only wish that they put the lights back in the tree. It makes me sad to see how that tree is so pathetically... Naked. And I hate to see it naked when it's cold like this. It makes me feel sad.
And lost.


I want to get to know you better. I'm just afraid of another broken heart. Maybe even two.. And who knows three.

It's been your word, you made your stand.
You got me crying, as well as you planned..
But when my loneliness is through..
I'm gonna find another you.

You take your sweaters,
you take your time.
You might have your reasons,
but you will never have my rhymes.
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue;
I'm gonna find another you.

When I was your lover,
no one else would do.
If I'm false to find another,
I hope she looks like you.
Yeah and she's nicer too.

So go on baby;
make your little getaway.
My pride will keep me company,
and you just gave yours all away.
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two:
once for me and once for someone new.

I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do..
Oh, I'm gonna find another you.

The BEST of blogs award. YAY!

The best blogs in the world deserve an award.
I know it's pretty lame, because I don't know these people personally, but hey,- isn't that the fun thing about blogging?!

I'd like to give this award-thingy to:

Tinsley
Laurel



They never cease to inspire me and I almost daily look if they have any new posts.
Whenever they do have new posts on their blogspots, I have to keep myself from jumping out of my chair and do a victory dance.

Thank you for the inspiration, girls!
You rock!

Aaaaaamenn!!

Amen.
A-fucking-men.

oh my

^I don't like the pathetic, hardly existing arms on the left, but the thing stuff she's wearing.. Absolutely stunning! I would kill to be able to wear things like that on a night out. Unfortunately.. I've got them curves going on..

^God, the SHOES. I like the left shoes better than the ones on the right, but I would look better with the black heels. I really really need money to buy new stuff :(

I cut my hair and drink a latte. Lalala.

Must.have.this.hair.

My family would start making fun of me again, because of the fringe. But if I straighten my hair constantly, it will look like this constantly and there is no way that that is ugly. Not even on me and my deformed face (according to some). This would make my eyes look bluer (I have the picture for proof).
I am going to cut my hair and thin it out. Like, a lot.
In the first place, I was looking for short haircuts with curly hair, but it's only nice if your hair is really really curly and there are some days when my hair just doesn't want to curl the way I want it to. Argh.
Ah well. Shall I cut my hair this way? Or not?
I really like it (:

FEEDBACK PLEASE. I LOVE YOU.
[Remember that I'm not the one that has to look at the results. It's you guys.]

a Sunflower

There really is no stopping me now.
This is a story I started writing for my English teacher who is really keen on the idea of starting an after school writing workshop. I'd love to do the workshop, especially considering the fact that I never write anymore..
I should really finish this story, but I'm afraid I got 'out' of it as soon as I stopped writing it. But who knows.. I might give it a shot.
Do you like it?



A SUNFLOWER:

Her face, tender as the night but, though as poetic as Shakespeare's sonnets, often mistaken by photographs, had lost its usual white state, for the weather hadn't been awfully bad that summer.
Her personality was as uncatchable as the wind, but as destructive too. In the way she'd hardly ever let a word slip her lips, the mystery kept in her blue eyes, remained one of the most mysterious of mysteries.
When one speaks and uses words in his (or in this case: her) explanation, the characters which form the words, get blown away by the wind. She'd never liked the idea of words getting blown apart, so she'd -most of the time- keep them to herself. In that way she and her thoughts would stay together and she couldn't get things mixed up by losing some of the characters... And as the wind had never really been generous to her and didn't return any formerly lost characters, she didn't want to have the risk that she would forget anything again. She remembered more by not speaking and remembering things was getting more and more important, especially now.. Things were bad enough already.
And by the way - one learns more through observation than through discussion. Whilst discussing, one may lose eye on the true core of the discussion or, even worse, not hear the things that are yet to be heard.
She heard everything and even without letting go of a singular word, she could attract people to her, like bees to honey or mayonnaise to french fries. She could invite them to come even closer than they already were, for the faint blushing of her cheeks made her look happy and outgoing (even though I'm not quite sure if she really was).
Thank God she was alone right now,- sunsets are only to be seen in utter silence. She loved the idea of getting sucked into the sea, just like the sun did that afternoon. She loved the idea that every little sparkle in the water was a question, an answer or perhaps even a lost soul, waiting to be found...
Oh, the touch of the last sunbeams on her shoulders after a long, hot day at the beach! She could stay there forever, if the word itself hadn't already given away its finity. And, of course, if it wasn't for The Partay to take place that night.
She took a peek at her new pink watch with hearts on it and noticed she had to hurry. Ah well.
She got up and started walking, humming a song of which she didn't even know it existed.
~~~~~~
The wine tasted mighty sweet. Where most men turned their backs on the intoxiating smell, the women seemed to be liking it more and more with each swig they took. The air was filled with their laughter and the clinging of their glasses, which both probably wouldn't stop before the break of dawn.

My shiny new shoes.

Another story. Sorry, I think this is the most unproductive Sunday of my entire life. I have only been surfing the internet and I found a couple of my old stories. They make me want to write again.
What would you like to read?



MY SHINY NEW SHOES:

I grabbed her hand and hold it tight. Then I quickly looked down, to the ground underneath our feet. My shoes looked old and pretty dirty, but that's the way I like 'em best. Her shoes, however, were looking all shiny and new - they couldn't possibly fit her comfortably.
She pinched my hand and I looked up, to her tiny, beautiful face. I loved her - oh, how I loved that girl.
I smiled but then with a sob she began to cry.
'What's wrong?' I tried asking. 'What..' was what slipped off my lips.
It was probably the most scary moment in my entire life and I - I just didn't know what to do.

She told me the tears she was crying for me were like the tears God uses to cry for the weather. They're just necessary.
She kept smiling while the tears kept falling down from her gracious eyes - oceans of naked emotions. They rolled down, all the way down to her chin, as the waves washed upon the beach and got absorbed by the sand on my hand.
'I really love you, you know.'
-'I.. I do.' I pinched her hand.
'It's just..'
-'What? What is it?'
'I just don't wanna lose you. I would miss you too much.' Another sob.


I woke up next morning to find she'd already left.
And all she left behind, was a note on my desk -

To the most wonderful person I've ever met.

I was so scared of you - you can't even imagine. I was scared of calling you up, talking to you or doing anything with you, really. Oh, I was so scared. You and that horrible perfection of yours. Damn all of it.

The day you were gonna realise how perfect you are, was going to arrive soon anyway. And I just could not wait till that day.
So I'm sorry, but there was no other option left. I could not just wait till the day you were gonna leave me. I could not just.. Well, I couldn't. I'd rather leave myself, with a wonderful last memory of you, than just sit here and wait for you to do it.
I'd rather jump in front of a train with a magnific memory of us, still fresh on my mind - knowing all about our love.. Than jumping in front of that train, due to selfpity.

And now all we were and were not - is written in the clouds.


I loved you..
And I still do.
Forever
& ever more

Yours.



PS: I left you my shoes.
Please don't forget me.




I stood up and burnt the goddamn piece of paper.
I got on a train and with tsunamis gushing out of my eyes, I opened a window. And threw the ash away.
Now all we were and were not - is written in the clouds.


I won't ever forget you.





When I came home, I was exhausted. I went to my room immediately and fell on my bed - I was almost sleeping already.

But then I remembered - I had forgot something.
I looked around in my room and there they were - all shiny and new. She'd put a red ribbon on them and then settled them under my chair. As if they were never used and will never be used, either..
At a stretch I got on my feet and put the shoes on. I sat there, on the ground and I couldn't stop crying.
And that's how I fell asleep that day.
And the day after.

And the day after that.

Coconuts and Rain.

I have decided to post some of my stories.
I'd love to get some feedback on them. Tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like.
Tell me what you want to read next.

Because I actually care.



COCONUTS AND RAIN:

"Baby, look at me. Who would have ever thought that we would be standing here together? I can't even believe it myself.. How many times did I not almost leave you? And how many times did you not almost leave me?? You cannot just forget all that. You cannot just abandon all the work we put into this. You cannot just.." Silence. I tried to stay breathing and keep my heart in my chest. It was as if it was pounding so hard, that it could come out any time soon. I took a deep breath and blinked a couple of tears away. I gulped the lump in my throat down. "You cannot just leave."

He looked at me. Silent tears were streaming down his face. "I'm sorry," he said. One tear dripped off his chin. "I'm so sorry."
And with those words, he turned around and started walking away. My glance followed his back and saw how he turned around and looked back one more time. One time only..

And that's when I let the tears stream down my face. My ears forgot how to hear and couldn't hear all the sobs my body let out, but I could feel my chest humping up and down like crazy. My knees forgot how to carry all of my body weight and so I sank into the floor. My head forgot how to think and there I lay: on the ground, half conscious/half unconscious,- my tears making ripples in the little pool underneath me. If it weren't for the weather, I would've thought it had all come out of my eyes..


I stopped crying and I just thought of everything that had happened.
What... How... It wasn't very productive.
..His hair has the scent of coconuts. He uses this special shampoo, you see. German shampoo. And it smells great. Always when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do, is sniffing his hair for a bit and then get up to get him some juice. I don't even know whether he likes the juice or not, but he always drinks the glass down till the last drop, which must say something about him, I guess..


When the rain stopped, something inside me snapped. I think I woke up,- literally and figurally. I tried to get up. My head was filled with saw-dust and I couldn't think straight. I don't know for how long I've been crying on the floor there, but it couldn't be less than three hours and a half; except for the streetlamp, some couple of meters ahead, it was almost completely dark.
Whilst walking in the direction of where I supposed my bike should be, I saw him. With his back he leaned against a tree, his head hanging down; as if waiting for something,-
or someone.

And before I could even think of why he stood there and what was best for me to do, I started running. I don't believe I've ever run that fast before, but at least.. It was for a certain purpose. Him. I knew that if I really didn't want to lose him, I had to give it my everything. I had to show him I cared, that I wanted him back. And that I meant it, when I had promised him all those times, that I would never let go of him.
And so I ran and ran. And ran. Till I stood right in front of him. We stood in front of each other and looked each other right in the eye and after a moment or three, he hugged me. He pushed his chest against my chest and I felt his heart beating against mine. Or was it mine against his?


"Baby?" His grip softened, but didn't let go.
"Hmm?" I still wasn't really able to talk, as you lot most probably understand.
"I'm sorry," his voice broke and as I heard, I grabbed him and held him tight.
"I love you," it's ok, I whispered. "I love you."
And as I did so, I sniffed his hair. It didn't smell of coconuts, funny enough. It smelled of rain. It smelled of hair that had been in rain. For a long, long time.





And that was when I knew I loved him.
And that we would be fine.

Painfully gorgeous.

Please, daddy?

I actually have clothes that fit with this coat. It pains my heart how absolutely gorgeous this is..

Curiosity.

There is this really big big attraction thing going on. I don't know how to explain it, because it hasn't happened that many times before, at least not when the attraction was mutual.
His name is Greg and it is insane how annoying I find him. He knows everything better and he rebuts everything that I say. Of course, I'm not too easy towards him and I do exactly the same thing. I keep repeating how repulsive he is and how much he disgusts me, but this only makes the attraction stronger and stronger. I've met him a couple of times now and every time I see him, there is something that draws me to him. It is not only attraction. It is not only lust. It is curiosity.

A couple of days ago, I sat down on the kitchen table (yes, on) and talked to my mother.
'Mom I've kissed a boy today. And I liked it.' (lol)
-Oh, and who is this boy?
'His name is Greg. He lives in Wan Chai.'
-Oh.
'I think that.. You know.. Soon, I will....'
*Silence.
'Well, you know..'
*Silence. Then, the enlightenment.
-Oooohh.

A couple of days later, she asked me if we were a couple. I told her the truth.
'No, but we are unofficially, I think. I don't know, to be honest. It's a bit.... Getting started, but not there yet, you understand?'
-Hmm.
'I mean. Look, it's like this: he would have the right to be angry if I would kiss someone else and I would have the right to be angry if he would do so. So in that way, you could say that we're together.'
-Hmm..
That was it basically. I don't know what else to tell her. I have been wearing a scarf since Wednesday now, because of all the hickeys he left in my neck, but it's so weird to tell your mother that you've got hickeys. It's not like I'm going to show her..

It is funny to think of how I'm not with Greg. We only have the physical thing going on. Not too long ago, Tim S. and I broke up, because of the entire distance thing. About a month and a half, Greg and his girlfriend broke up as well and he told me he's still not over it. This is a good thing, actually, because I'm not over Tim B., let alone Tim S. We decided to keep things only physical.
'I don't want to give you any wrong impressions. It's just physical.'
-I know.
So we've been pretty clear about this from the beginning, to prevent anything from going wrong. But something did go wrong. I don't know who, but someone crossed the line. If I am completely honest, I have to say that I think it was him. He started telling me about his girlfriend and how he wasn't over her. He started to say out loud, what he thought I was and why. He said that the best thing about me was, that even though I had been through a lot in my life (he didn't even know half of it all), I was still standing here, with my arms spread, ready to take everything as it comes at me. He said that he admired me for how I catched up all the punches, fell down and kept getting up on my feet again, to open my arms to invite life's punches in again. That is the biggest compliment someone has ever given to me. After saying this, however, I asked him what he thought would be the most hurtful thing to say to me,- what would hurt my pride. He could never be more right. 'Don't take this wrong: but you are a coward. You're scared.' Never ever in my life, have words touched me more than those 11 words at the time. Re-reading them makes me blink with astonishment. I never knew that anyone could come so close to the truth and be so shameless to actually say it out loud. I love it.
But what I don't love, is getting wrong impressions. And even though we were being extra clear, so we would prevent anything bad from happening, and said it would only be physical, he did, in fact, end up giving me a wrong impression. He was the one that said 'no intimate stuff, no emotional stuff, etc.', but he was also the one that started 'the intimate stuff' and 'the emotional stuff'. I do not know what to think now, but I have to admit that thinking that he's starting to actually like me, is the last thing I will allow myself to do. Especially considering the fact that this happened on the second day of the 'physical thing'.

Is that a good sign? Or a really, really bad one?

Won't you stay around and.. follow me?

I would KILL for this outfit, and the bad thing is that I'm not even joking.
This is the most gorgeous outfit for daily life, I have ever laid my eyes upon and even though I have to admit that I hate copycats, I am not going to have a proper night of sleep until I have copied every single item that Leighton Meester (❤❤) is wearing on the left here.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think that this outfit would look good on me. The colours would,- I have about the same facial structure and the same hair- and skin-colour, but the dress wouldn't. I have quite a big 'bottom' and even though my legs look alright when I'm wearing heels, the ass doesn't all of a sudden disappear.

I love lace and ..oh my... Won't you look at those three quarter sleeves! I hate long sleeves and short sleeves are even worse than long sleeves, so what I do, is wearing long sleeves (most of the time), and I roll them up to the three quarter length.
This only makes the outfit more perfect than it would already be with long sleeves or, for that matter, no sleeves at all.

I can't wait till I'm able to do some CRUCIAL SHOPPING again. I'll just have to wait till I'm working again.... But for now,- the internet will have to lessen the thirst.
A bit.

Cherchez la STAR.

But who is your favourite?
Mais laquelle c'est ta favorite?

Realise that that could have been you.

The wonderful Kate Moss.
To be honest.. I didn't like her at first, but the older I got, the more I could appreciate the pictures that had been taken by her and now I'm even waiting to see more of her, even though she's an "old" model now.
This woman, ladies and gentlemen, is not, I repeat: NOT, pretty. Or gorgeous. Or extraordinary. Or anything like that. No, this woman, in fact, looks like she could be our neighbour. She looks like the girl next door, like one of the female creatures that you see strutting through the ailes of supermarkets. But she is not only that. She is also a beakon of hope. Why? Hrm, let me tell you.
Even though there aren't many women that would actually admit this, I do. And I will. Here it is:
Kate Moss is a beakon of hope for all the average, every-day looking female beings in our society. She is nothing special, but she was spotted and became world's most talked off model! What does this have to do with hope? Women seek reasons to make themselves feel better. Of Kate Moss we can say that she is 'actually not all that pretty', but we still have to consider the fact that she is the queen of all top-models. She owns. She's the creme de la creme when it comes to modeling and this is a satisfying thought. "That could have been me," we can say to ourselves, when we look in the mirror and admit to that what we are seeing isn't too pretty but definitely not too ugly either. We can see models in ourselves. Kate Moss makes us believe in ourselves as models, women of whom we normally would think as extraordinarily good-looking creatures, and she does it by being what she is: an average-looking supermodel.
I have to admit that I love her for it.

Take a look at these and take a moment to realise that that could have been you.
You're most probably average-looking (maybe you're not, but I'm talking about the average person that reads blogs of strangers), but you could be all this.

And so much more..

You just have to take the time to realise.

Rod & Belgium vegetables.

Christmas Eve was... Well, thank God it's over. We went to this fancy restaurant, where we had a 4-course meal, which was great! There were televisions all over the place, which was a bit dodgy, but the things that were shown on it, were pretty cool. It was Rod Stewart's Christmas Concert of O7 and it was pretty good, so you don't hear me complain about that.

We had some great turkey, with BELGIUM VEGETABLES!! Joy. (I don't get why they're called 'belgium vegetables', actually, because they're from Holland.. But ok.)

I don't want to get into details, whereas I actually did intend to get into all of the juicy details when I opened this window. Let's just get this to the core of the whole disaster:

My parents got drunk (especially my mom) and started dancing, while we were still sitting at the table. My mom grabbed my arm (I sat next to her) and she started to pull it and pull it and pull it some more. Everybody, but I mean everybody, was staring at us. I have never felt that embarrassed in my life, where the shame didn't relate to myself, but to somebody I was with. 

I don't get why my parents wanted me to come to Pattaya with them. My mother said that it'll most probably be the last Christmas that I'll spend with them, whereas I see it as one of the first Christmases that I'll be spending with them. When I move to the US to go to University (whatever Uni it may be), the only time I'll really be home, will be over Christmas. But that is what I expect. Who knows how things will turn out?

I have some New Year's resolutions (who doesn't). Most of them sound really cheesy, but if you actually know me and what has been going on for the past year in Hong Kong, you wouldn't think of it as cheesy, but as... Exactly describing the lack of self-being over 2OO8.

- Start writing again. I have spent way too much time whining about why I can't write anymore and I developed my entire theory on it, but let's face it, Camila,- that doesn't get us anywhere, does it?

- Study. And with 'Study' I mean actually being productive for once in my life. I need to get the best grades and have the best curriculum to get accepted at Sarah Lawrence University.

- Save money. Get my ass to work again and actually save the money I make. Last salary that I got was about 4000 hk$ and I only have 785$ left now. Where did it all go?! I have to start taking care of things and brining order into my FL (Financial Life), would be a great start.

- Stop being insecure about everything that I do and just.. Go for it. I miss that little grain of 'fuck it' in my life and I really want to introduce it to my life this year. Or at least try to..

- Suck up all the criticism I get and try not to take it personally. Be the best I can, basically.

- Safe skiing in Switzerland.

- Start the Debating Team at school and join Student United Nations! IMPORTANTISSIMO.

- Sleep enough (around 6 hours per night).

- Stick to a couple of close friends, not a lot of acquaintances.

- Stop talking about the past. Definitely stop talking about the past.

- Start focusing on the future (studying, housing, work, etc.).

- Success.

Of course, there are a lot more things that I want to do. Small things, big things.. But I have to start somewhere, don't I? I thought, I'd just make a small list to begin with (;

I hope you all had a great New Year's Eve and that you got home safe. Hehehe.

Let's make this a good year!

:O8.

Let’s do something original: write reflections on 2OO8.

As you know, this was my first year in the holy land of the 852. I am not too sure about how I have changed, but I do know for a fact that I have changed.
I would like to tell you why I have. I would like to tell you what happened,- whohappened. I would like to thank you. Thank you.

Melissa v. W.: you make my life worth living. Everyday I love you more and more and I want to thank you for showing me that this kind of love doesn’t just exist in fairytales, but also in real hearts of real people. The world is lucky to have you and I am even luckier. Ik hou meer van je dan ik kan verwoorden, opperaap. Sorry for the heinous, jealous bitch that I am sometimes.. Know that it is all sprung from the love that I cherish.

Roel M.: everywhere I go, you go too. Over the past year, I’ve come to realize that my love for you is not only pure in its purest form, but it also does not need a reason to exist. You are the one person that showed me how love can grow steadily with the day, without having to see each other. Like I said: everywhere I go, you go too. I can’t wait till you’re here physically as well. Thank you for loving me and making me a better person through doing so. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being in my life. I miss you.

Bram v.d. B.: this summer I noticed that it doesn’t matter if we see each other or not. It doesn’t matter if I only go to a different school or if I live on the other side of the world. Because whenever we do see each other, everything seems to be the same as before. I love how we never needed a lot of words to understand each other (especially from your side, as I like to talk, hehe) and I want you to know that you are one of those reasons that make me realize from time to time, that there is no reason for me to be unhappy, except maybe for the fact that you’re on the other side of the planet… But that is going to change soon! You asked me when you’re finally able to come to Hong Kong and my answer is, and always will be: “I thought you were coming yesterday! But it’s fine if you come today or tomorrow.” Know that my door is always open for you.

Timothy S.: I remember the 27th of August like it was yesterday,- not because it was my 18th birthday, but because that was the day that you left to England at 9 am. I thought I would miss you less and less, but the opposite happened. Nobody has ever loved me the way you do and I can’t thank you enough for that. I do not know what made you think that I deserved all that, but I thank you for seeing whatever you see. You are the person that made me happiest this year and I think it is unnecessary for me to say that I will always love you, as it is pretty obvious (my opinion). I miss you more than I can say and I hope I see you soon again, no matter how inappropriate that may be at the moment. You are gorgeous. Come back. Please, come back..<3

Lavinia d.L.: what can I say? You are my rock and I love you for it. I'm going to miss you way too much when you're off to Uni. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing in University-land. Thanks for being in my life <3

Tiffany L.: thank you immensely for taking care of me when I needed that (both physically and mentally) and a big sorry for being the jealous bitch that I am. We need to develop our cult,- it’s been too long, my dear. More words are not necessary to speak: you are my heart.

Prakash S.: your insecurity frightens me. Your perseverance and view on things make me want to run and hide under a rock, because I feel ashamed for not being the same. At the same time, you push me to be the best I can be. Even though your bluntness hits my head like a rock sometimes, it also cuts right through the darkness and makes me see light with a dazzling intensity. Thank you, for all of this. You are amazing in every single way I can think of. Don’t worry, mate,- be happy! I love you.

Dhruv S.: HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT. I miss you so much that it hurts, but I’m happy for you that you went. You seem to really like it out there in Pune and you have more chances to grab onto there than you would have had if you would have stayed in the 852. I think it’s great you’re doing this all but I hope you realize how you belong here in HONG KONG,- with ME. Hm. I miss you. x Princess. Hehe.

Jeroen v.d. V.: what am I going to do without you? ☹ I bet you have never met anyone as tech-dummy as I am. Thanks for solving les problemos. Highly appreciated, hehe. I can’t believe that ‘us’ came to be through a stupid movie that I copied from your stick (ok, now, THAT sounds just a bit fishy..). Seems more than that,- it seems longer than that. I’m going to miss you heaps when you leave for Uni. Keep in touch,- I’ll visit (unless it’s one of those maths&tech Unis with a boy : girl-ratio of 21:1).

Sean W.-M.: CHINARUNAWAY! Nuff said. I love you. A lot. Do not leave my life. Wait, why is there a hole in the building again??

Jal C.: even though we don’t really talk anymore, I want to thank you for all the times that we did. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I guess all good things have to come to an end sooner or later, but I have to say.. I’d never say no to some hot chocolate!

Gideon W.: I just wrote down your name on the 'list' and I realised that I've never actually seen you after school, except for at the Dinnerdance, its 'afterparty' and Gineke's houseparty. A shame, in my opinion; you're great company (I'm keeping aside the farting, when I say that you're great company) and I love it when you're being a smart-ass again. And even though you're being a smart-ass 99% of the time, there is that 1% left, which I sometimes really need. Thanks for listening to me when necessary and thanks for noticing when it's necessary in the first place. I'm really happy I got to know you and I wish you the best of luck with everything this year c: (STOP FARTING.)

Katie L.: you and your gorgeous soul,- I love everything about you. You are the only person I know that can be angry because of winning an award for being the ‘happiest person’ of the year, only because she can’t win ‘Best Dressed’ anymore. We should definitely see for the summer holidays that are coming, because together we can make them the best.

Ailynn M.: there is no way that I can stop tears from falling from your beautiful eyes, but at least let me cry with you. My love for you is infinite in every way that it can be and that is why I will never stop trying to stop the tears from falling. It is amazing how you like people for who they are and not for who your other friends want them to be. You are a dolphin and a shark,- both…at the same time. I remember the photoshoot on IFC Roof that wasn’t a real photoshoot. In 15 minutes, I shot a couple of my best shots ever that had someone in it and you know how I feel about photoshoots: it’s the model that does the work,- I just click. I hope we’ll do the ‘real one’ soon enough. Life doesn’t seem to be willing to help much, however.. Ah well. I also remember our blowjobs. I’m so sorry for ruining your evening by losing my mom’s cellphone. I hope we’ll re-do the evening when I’m back in the 852 and that it’ll be memorable. To irony! There is a lot more that I remember, but what I want to conclude with, is this: you do not trust me too much. Do never be afraid. If you’re a dolphin, I’m a dolphin. If you’re a shark, I’m a shark. And you’re both at the same time. Words lose all their worth when I try explaining how much I love you. Because I actually do love you.

Hae Byn Y./Ashley Y.: okay, so you left. And how… I know that we didn’t have a proper goodbye, but we also both know why,- it doesn’t have to be repeated. Somehow we seem to have a weird, weird relationship-thing. I still can’t fully believe what happened that first ‘conversation’ we had.. I was just saying things; you hardly said anything! But if it was good for you, it was good for me. We didn’t really hang out that much, but the times we did, are sharp in memory: once in SupStud (“Are you bi or a lesbian?”), Fairwood with Zulia (“sticks”, “choppies”), the airport (oh dear), Causeway Bay (with the black woman (; ), Times Square Roof (‘oops!’), the Shisha bar (with a drunk Ailynn and your suddenly drop-dead gorgeous sister) and ..yeah. I just remember all those different occasions like they were yesterday. I am so happy for meeting you and I was ecstatic to see you again when you were in the 852 again before Christmas. I didn’t show it, but that is my pride. Somehow you felt as if I could see through you (when I just got to know you), but when I saw you in that Shisha bar, you asked me merely 2 questions that nobody has EVER asked me (which is not that weird, because we’re talking about Hong Kong here..). “You don’t look good. You’re not okay, are you?” You actually SAW that even though I looked normal for a daily life, I didn’t look happy or whatever people are supposed to be. I’ve noticed myself that I look different: in pictures, in mirrors.. You name it. But you threw one glance in my direction and immediately questioned the fact that I said that I was ‘good, good, fine.’ Thank you so much for that,- I really needed it. Then you asked if it was because of… Well, we all know what. “What else could there be?” You just looked at me and for a moment I thought that your eyes went sad. I love you Daisy. And I hate to admit it, but I actually miss you a lot. I mean, not every single day or when I do, I don’t miss you every waking moment of the day, but when I miss you, I really miss you. It sucks so badly that I was in Thailand over Christmas and New Year.. I still owe you 4 bucks! Maybe I should just go to England to give you them, that might be an idea. (; Anyway, I guess you ‘know’ what I am going to say.. I wish you a great year, may it be in the UK or in HK. I hope that you find happiness and love because, honestly.. You are one of the few people that truly deserve those.


And last but definitely not least:
Timothy B.: 'Enough. Enough now." Remember the last time that I tried talking to you? And that you literally ran away, into the men’s room, to hide? Well, I do. I’m sorry if it offended you, but I only wanted to apologise. I wanted to apologise for the fact that the things that happened, happened. I wanted to say I’m sorry that I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be and I’m sorry that I couldn’t pretend not to care, like everybody else. You made me happier than I could ever imagine, but I can’t recall why. I miss you in my life. I miss your laughter, your tears, your love, your hate… I miss everything. But I don’t know why. I am not able to remember why I saw in you what I saw in you. I guess it was the recognition that was everything I needed. We are so very alike that only thinking about it, gives me a heartache. The core thing we have in common, is the façade that we both keep pulling on ourselves. But I grew up, Tim. Did you? Are you ready to look at yourself from a distance and see the façade?! I hope you can. I would mean the first step to overcoming your addiction,- your addiction to self-destruction. Please know that you will never ruin what you’ve built up in me. You made my heart grow with every little thing you did and didn’t do. You didn’t end up breaking my heart,- you just left it in its place, beating painfully against my chest, with every breath I took. But this is the end of 2OO8 and as I am writing this, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye 2OO8, goodbye Tim. I miss you in my life, but wouldn’t want you back in it for the world. I do not hate you, my heart is not able to hate you. And even though you hate me now (reasons unknown, still. I do not understand how you, of all people, can hate me), I want to thank you. You showed me that nothing is what it seems. Or, better even: that everything is what it seems…. I hope you have the best of years the coming year and that you will find what you are truly looking for. Goodbye 2OO8. Goodbye Tim. 


I owe myself an apology: I was not myself after April, the break up, everything. I lost myself and even after I noticed over summer, I couldn’t really change it back. It was as if I was staring at myself from a distance,- a small distance, but too big for me to reach over. I saw the differences and I saw them getting more radical, but I couldn't do anything about it,- it seemed to be completely out of me. I stopped writing, I stopped talking, even. It’s just that every time I tried to write (sometimes literally sat down with a piece of paper and only stared into the wasted space around me), the words seemed to….dry up. I felt like I had so much to say, so much to write, but I couldn’t put a pen down to paper. It was as if I was in a dark room and I couldn’t see anything around me, but as soon as my eyes started to recognize the figures in the dark, something turned the light on. It always left me seeing stars, just like when you stand up too quickly. When my eyes finally got used to the intense light and finally seemed to find words to put down, the light went off again and I saw stars again. I don’t feel like myself anymore,- April, gossip, IB and so much more, all took something from me. But I am happy again and even though this year has left me confused and with no self-known identity, I am looking forward to 2OO9. The good thing about not knowing who you have become, is that you can be whoever you want to be. Sorry, Camila, for not knowing who I wanted to be for a while.



Have a great year, you all.
I wish you everything good! And more.
Love, Camila