FEAROFBEINGALONE

You have no idea how tired I am. I am not even sure if I understand my tiredness myself. I have exams this week- internal exams that are supposed to give our teachers insight into what kind of predicted grade to give us that is going to be sent off to universities when we apply next school year. I was well prepared, once more. Don't know if it is because I am so scared of failing (no exaggeration) or because it is just pure bad luck, but every time I have important assessments coming up, things are going on. Remember my English IOP? I got just above average as a grade, whereas i was predicted full marks. This because I hadn't slept in 5 days (well- slept for a total of 2 hours, max.) and was starting to hallucinate because of being over-tired. And now.. I don't know. Yesterday evening I threw up all of a sudden and today in school I threw up again. I don't know why this is; I don't feel sick at all. It is just as if my body does not want me to do well. It is as if my body is aware of my fear, but does not want to help me overcome it.
I don't understand.

Every time my parents ask me how an exam went, I have no idea of what to say. I am so incredibly scared of telling them it went well, when I think it did, in fact, go well, to find out afterwards that I screwed up.. And I'm scared of telling them I think I didn't do well, because they get all disappointed and 'protective' and stuff, only to find out afterwards that I 'underestimated' myself and that I should work on my confidence.
It is hard to explain how hard I find it to explain what fear does to me in every day life. It is not the general things I am afraid of. I mean.. I guess I am just your average person: I'm afraid of the dark, loosing the people I love, not succeeding, insects, etc. But besides that there is so much more fear in this head of mine (and body, or so it appears to me now).. I am afraid of having money, a cell phone, going to bed, waking up, seeing people I care about, not seeing people I care about, failing, succeeding, public transport (no jokes), coming home drunk, coming home sober but being happy for once resulting in my parents thinking I'm drunk after all and so much more.. I am even scared of how my guards smile at me in the morning, before I go to school.

And I know: It sounds either utterly exaggerated or completely paranoia. But let me do an attempt to explain the fears to you. One by one. So you might understand.
The dark- unless I am listening to music, I am 142% sure there is a rapist behind every corner. I have my reasons to believe this.
Loosing the people I love- I am not only afraid of loosing them, by the way. I am afraid of being with them and gaining affection for them. I am afraid of them smiling to me and believing they mean it. I am afraid of smiling back, opening the little door to my heart just a little bit more than I actually should. Everytime I loose someone I truly care about, I get more and more convinced there is bad in everyone. But also the hope in me grows stronger- the hope that there will appear someone who will show me the happiness I'll find was worth the pain. I don't believe it's worth it. But I have to.
Not succeeding- I mentioned this above. It is one of my biggest fears. And I actually think it is one of the three things or so that had the biggest say in who I am today.
Insects- Not that scared of insects, actually. Well, depends on my mood, really.
Money- Why keep it in your wallet if you can get a heart attack any minute and not have spent your money? Better do something with it now you can and enjoy it :) Unfortunately, money is one of the main issues my parents and I fight about. I understand them, I really do. At least most of the time.. Sometimes it's just as if they don't want to undertand me. Especially not when I feel miserable as all hell and go impulse shopping (this gets really, really radical; I buy the most random stuff, just to feel better for a moment)(which ceases to be the case as soon as I get home and my parents find out -.-).
Cell phone- It makes me paranoid. Literally.
Going to bed- My nightmares are not to write about. I wake up crying, almost every morning and most of the time I don't even remember concretely what I 'mared' about. The song 'Black Roses Red', from Alana Grace: "As twisted as it seems, I only feel love when it's in my dreams.."
Waking up- Today I saw the movie 'Prozac Nation' (based on the AMAZING book 'Prozac Nation' by Elizabeth Wurtzel; definitely worth a read/watch) and there is a line that speaks for itself: "I woke up today, afraid I was gonna live." Does that not say enough? No? How about this one then: "I'm having a mid-death crisis; I nearly lived today!" If you don't get it, you're either not that literarily focused or.. Just stupid. I expect neither from you, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.
Seeing people I care about- Always thinking about if it's the last time I see them. I hate fighting, because if something happens during the fight or right after it and I haven't said how stupid I am and how much I hate myself and how right the other person was all along and that person like.. Dies, or something.. I would never be able to forgive myself.
Not seeing people I care about- I'm not there to watch over them and am always afraid something might happen to them. I sound like such a freak, but this is actually what goes on in my head all day.. No wonder I talk this much....
Public transport- This used to be a true phobia. It sounds incredibly stupid and I am actually really ashamed of it, but truth is that whenever I have to take any form of transport alone for the first 3 times or so to any place (even if it's a taxi and it'll drop me off right in front of where I have to be), my knees start shaking and I start to genuinely freak out. When I was a little younger, I started trembling/shaking, crying, vomiting, rambling, etc. etc. There was not a thing as scary as me going on public transport on my own. Even now, the routes I have taken a zillion times before, are still scary for me to take when I'm alone. I have no idea why- I only know I avoid being alone on buses, trains, trams and taxis.
Coming home drunk- I'm not supposed to drink alcohol, because of my epilepsy and my epilepsy medication. It is alright, actually. Before about a month and a half ago I never felt the urge to binge drink. But more and more often I find myself looking at bottles of wine, bottles of vodka, bottles of whiskey- bottles of anything, really. They are mainly empty. Not emptied by me, but lord, how I wish I had emptied them. It sounds incredibly childish, but all I want to do, is get incredibly fucked sometime and just see what it's like. It's probably not as good as it seems; escaping reality and all. Probably.. What if it is, after all?! I'd do almost anything to not be myself right now, even if it is just for a little 2.5 intoxicated hours.
Coming home sober- I remember coming home rather sober; I had had one glass of white wine (I assure you: one glass of white wine!) and that was it for the night (oh, and lemon tea -.-). When I got home, it was still quite early (1:45am) and I still heard the music of Lan Kwai playing in my head, on party shuffle. I told my parents what happened and how it was ('fun fun!') and I believe they shot each other a glance. I hope they didn't think I was drunk, because I really wasn't!! It'd be so stupid if I'd get away, being drunk, but being accused of drinking when I'd only had one glass -.- Gosh, that would be 'interesting'.
Smiling guards- Why are they so nice? Is there something between my teeth? Is my Chinese pronounciation off?! Is my muffin-top visible??! WHAT IS IT??!?! :S
Loneliness- Isn't this the core of everything? It would ruin it if I'd try to explain it.. It's rather self-explanatory. Just think about this: isn't loneliness just pure misunderstanding? Somewhere, something went wrong. But where?

I miss Josh.
And I miss sleep.
I miss loving without fear, without doubt.
And I miss the feeling of being loved.

He looks at me with those big brown eyes;
He's got me in the palm of his hands
And I swear sometimes..
It's just like you're here again.