It is kind of starting to feel pressuring again. It's like a growing peanut inside its little peanut shell; at a certain point, the peanut shell will, in fact, break. I'm guessing we all know what it feels like.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my neurologist. He's great; best doctor I've been to in my life. I told him about not sleeping and I told him about feeling paranoid, nervous and anxious every single day. I told him in big lines what happened at school, what impact it had on me and what it still has. It felt weird, telling someone the stuff that had happened in a summary that was around 2 minutes long (/short). It felt so futile, unimportant,- silly. But truth be told that this might have been the worst thing that has happened in my life, considering I told my doctor a little more than just 'not sleeping' and 'paranoia, nervosity and fear.' I told him about the purging (not, I repeat: NOT, self-induced), the falling asleep during exams, the non-characteristic personas that seem to master themselves over me from time to time. I told him about being hyper the one moment, because of being over-tired, and being completely wrecked the next. And then he asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts, which is a question that makes you powerful. Because if you do have those thoughts, you can do two things: swallow them or spit them out. I spat them out. But like I said: he's a great man in his profession. Once again, this is proven when he asks me the next question: "Do you make any plans?" He did not look at me (he's Chinese), but I knew what he meant: you can have the symptoms, but not the disease. I have the thoughts, but not the plans. I have suicidal thoughts, but am not suicidal. Come on people, really? Pain inflicted on oneself is more effective; it punishes me, puts me in place, reminds me of things, whereas bring a cold ending to it would just be easy, frankly enough. If there is a reason I shouldn't be on this planet, if my reason of existence had been fulfilled already.. Would I still be here? I'd have been hit by a truck by now, don't you think? I love my doctor. He suggested that I went to a psychiatrist, because the lack of sleep can result in character-unlike actions/feelings/emotions and paranoia. My parents are fully backing the idea of seeing this.. Person. I'm not sure how I feel about it. The thing is that every time I watch a raw, realistic movie, it is negative. Or at least for most people.. Movies like 'Prozac Nation' and 'Girl, Interrupted' aren't 2 of the best movies I have seen, but they are 2 of my favourite movies I've seen, just because of the pureness of them. And they make me wonder what is wrong with me: Why do I relate to the 'crazy' main characters so well? And why isn't my situation bad enough to go to an institute? Am I expected to behave as if nothing is wrong?! My mom says I don't have to,- I shouldn't. But to walk around as if I'm "not trying" (literal quote by mom self), which results in worrying my parents even worse, won't help either. I'm just not faking anything right now. I wasn't before, but before I would try to be numb,- not angry, not sad, not 'depressed' and not even happy. Now I'm quite frank about it. Seeing movies like 'Prozac Nation' and 'Girl, Interrupted' make me wonder why my situation is not bad enough, but I still feel as if I belong in one of those institutes (institutes relating to 'Girl, Interrupted,' particularly. I think I relate to 'Prozac Nation' because it is the real story of a smart girl who wants to become a writer and completely loses it, when she studies at Harvard). I don't want to go there, I just keep wondering. Pretty stupid. At least there is one point of comparison: the drugs prescribed. My neurologist suggested a psychiatrist. Let's see how that goes.
My dad told me he and my mom loved me, for the first time in a long, long time. He seemed so.. Understanding. I don't know why, but I cry as I type this out. I'm not used to hearing it, I guess, especially from him. I don't think he really has an idea what it meant when he said it yesterday.
Today, I am going to the University of Hong Kong (HKU) with BFF Tiffany, because she got accepted (and it's very competitive!! So I'm very proud of her!)(This 'being proud' results in crying when the letter is shown to me. Says enough, non?). She does not know if she's going yet, but I'm supporting her, no matter what decision she'll make,- as long as she opens eyes, ears and mouth and makes the decision for the right motives.
I'll update soon to let you know if it's going any better :) Also, I have realised that I should post new pictures. And new stories. Give me a story and I'll write it for you, because I'm not the one that has to endure it.
Love always,
Camilla
No comments:
Post a Comment