"I know what conscience is, to begin with. It is not what you told me it was. It is the divinest thing in us. Don't sneer at it, Harry, any more - at least not before me. I want to be good. I can't bear the idea of my soul being hideous." Oscar Wilde (The Picture Of Dorian Gray)

6.5.09

INSANITY

What does insanity feel like?

I am so out of it right now. I feel like running away from everything, but I can hardly walk. I feel like puking, but I can hardly get on my knees to do so. I feel like hurting myself severely, by pounding my head against a wall, just for the sake of feeling something,- anything.
But whenever I move, it feels awkward and.. Not in place. Whatever I say, doesn't sound sensible or plausible and it doesn't fit together. There is a piece missing in everything I do and say,- even in everything I think. It feels as if there is literally a piece of me that is not here to make me who I was before.
Actually, I don't even remember who I was before I felt this way. I only know who I am now and that I don't like the direction I'm going in.

I want to be myself again. I was so sure I was going for what I wanted, for who I was, but now.. All that security in knowing something for sure, is just gone. I hope I'll find it again soon.

2 comments:

yiqin; said...

I hoep you feel better soon :)

Seeker said...

Follow your heart balanced with your reason, I'm sure you'll find the path.

All the best, dear

xoxo