BITTERGOODBYES

I miss him so much, it's indescribable.

Just read the letter Josh wrote me again. And again. And again. Couldn't stop crying for half an hour. I should be doing some serious revision for English, French, Philosophy and SATs. Sorry that I keep bothering you with what I actually should be doing, but it's a way of reminding myself that there is a life besides blogging. It gets hard at times. Just like the life itself.

Sure, I have happy moments. Especially after Saturday (both day and evening) I realise this very clearly. But every single time I think of Josh, I get this weird mix of feelings that I absolutely cannot control.
Of course, every heartbreak seems worse than the last. But if I list the worst heartbreaks I've had in my 18.5 years of life, this one is definitely the big, fat #1.
Why? Because he knew.

He knew about almost everything there was to know about.
He knew what to do, what not to do.
He knew why I am the person I am today.
He knew me.
He knew more than anyone else.

Taking all this into account and still being able to do what he did to 'one of the best friends [he] ever even had' (I quote from the letter), just.. baffles me.
How can you break someones heart like this, when you know how little pieces there are left already?! How can you break the heart of someone who obviously loves you with a passion that is not to be described with words, but just to be lived and felt through actions?! How can you break the heart of your best friend?!
Guess we never really were friends, were we?

I actually hope that you're reading this right now, Josh, even though I know the chances are small that you really are taking the time to have a look into my heart and head. You don't care enough- you never did.
But in case you are reading this and wonder what the hell I am on about.. I'm on about you. You have no idea of what you have done. You were one of the best friends I have ever had and I trusted you with almost everything I could possibly trust you with.
Why did you have to ruin it like this? Wasn't I the friend you wanted? I think I was. Maybe I was even more than that.
I think you were just the friend you never really wanted to be in the first place, for whatever reason..

But why lie? What wasn't there to understand from my stories? Which word didn't you get? Which message was too hard for you to grasp? What letter in the word L O V E doesn't exist in your alphabet? You said you loved me. You said it twice. The word 'love' hardly ever meant as much as it did when it crossed your lips. Now, it means nothing, maybe even less than nothing, and realising that leaves tears in my eyes and on my cheeks over and over again. Why, Josh?!

Every day, I think about you.
Every day, I miss you.
Every day, I both love and hate you a little bit more.
Every day, I go to bed, afraid to wake up and find that you really weren't worth all the tears I cried for you, or worse.. To find that you actually were worth all those tears, but that it's too late..

Every day, I wake up, afraid to spend another day missing you.

Can't sleep 'cause everything's changing;
You don't want to leave things behind.
Can't breathe 'cause too many things going on, going wrong, in your life.

All the places that we've been to;
The people we relate to;
All the love that we give in to..

Blow the tears from our eyes;
Sweet goodbyes.
I know how you feel right now-
Losing dreams you've come to care about..