YOUCANTUNSCRAMBLESCRAMBLEDEGGS

I'm falling apart, all around you..
And all I can do, is surrender.
Just surrender..

[This post is full of grammatical and spelling errors. I am aware of this. I am also aware of the fact that the font is bigger in this post than in the previous ones. I do not know why this is. It is 12:43am right now and I have to get up to go to school at 6:30am and basically can't be bothered to edit all this right now. I shall edit it tomorrow. Until then: I am incredibly sorry for all the inconveniences caused. Get over it.]

I can't believe it. Why does this ALWAYS happen to me? Well, not THIS, but this sort of THINGS. Pliadnoiwljdmaosfilck, mowila? Jlaihfsd!!
Updates (disclaimer: my parents were on a holiday in Vietnam for a week, so the freedom was significantly bigger. They got back today, so the party's over. I missed them though, in my weird little way; it's nice to get less chaotic at times, hehe):

4 days ago- Met up with a couple of people and went out with them. I was with Wesley, Sylvia and Vivien initially and then headed to Lan Kwai with Wesley and Daniel. We bumped into Scott (yep, the one I had 'sex' with in the middle of Lan Kwai), went to the sheesha place 'Sahara' and had some sheesha (durrr) and drinks. Afterwards, we headed to Wan Chai to check out some clubs. Most of them were closed, so we went to Bell In's instead and had a couple of drinks. Walking back, we saw that some random club was open and Scott wanted to check it out really badly (for whatever reason). First deejay was shit, so I actually really really wanted to leave, but didn't, for the sake of Scott, Wesley and Daniel. I think that after a while, the deejay changed, because for a certain point onwards, the music was significantly better than before. We danced, Wesley went home (he got back from Australia that morning, so he was rather tired) and I stayed behind, trying to get Dan dancing with some girl. Scott danced with me and then, all of a sudden, kissed me. He said I looked hot (-.-) and he wanted to 'go somewhere else'. I said I couldn't (for obvious reasons), because I came with Dan and was going back with him as well. He kissed me again, longer this time, and Dan left. This was all at about 4:30am. I dropped him off at his place in the centre of Lan Kwai Fong and he gave me a rose. I gave him another kiss, because he tried so hard. And, okay okay, because I just wanted to.
3 days ago- Met up with Scott, because he wanted to go lanning (online gaming) in Causeway Bay. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed it a whole lot. I didn't know he was that much fun :) We had something to eat (he mainly, considering I am on a hardcore diet again) and went to Wan Chai afterwards to 'have some drinks'. I believe you can all see it coming- we ended up between the sheets. Oh and under the sheets. And on top of the sheets. Yeah.. I still don't quite know what to think of this. At a certain point afterwards when he walked me to my bus, I kind of mumbled that I didn't get what we were, 'not that we have to be labelled or anything.' He answered: 'We're friends, right? With PROPER benefits. I really like you, you're amazing.' When we parted, he thanked me for the day- the gaming in particular. Hahaha, he's great.
2 days ago- Left the house, to come back around 1:15am after having had some drinks with my SISTER (haha!) in Lan Kwai and Stanley. Seeing that our parents weren't here for the week and they don't really want my sister to go out and drink, I asked her to come with me for a couple of hours and not make it too late with her. It might have been 'wrong' of me to do so, but think of it this way: my sister will eventually go out and she will eventually drink. In my opinion, it's best if she does it with me, steadily, and I am there to take care of her, just in case. She can rely on me. We couldn't get into the two clubs we tried at, because they required ID and my sister does not have a fake ID (..yet? LOL!). She said that I could/should stay at club Cliq with my friend Lisa (from a few posts before, in the picture) and dance, like I wanted to. However, I went home with her, because she had had some drinks (minor ones; no hard liquor!)(it's weird how she went for the beer.. I hate beer!) and it had already been midnight. Call me a protective freak, but she's the best friend I've ever had and I would never get over it if something would happen to her. So we went to Stanley. Apparently, she has a thing for apple cider as well... So we got home around 1:15am, kind tired-ish, took a quick shower (and with quick I mean: jump in, turn around in the water, jump out, dry) and called the people back that had tried reaching me on the home phone (when I tried washing my own sheets for ONCE, I used the wrong detergent AND my cellphone got stuck in one of the sheets so it got washed along. I found out 20 minutes after I turned on the washing machine........): Ailynn and Scott. First, I called Ailynn. She wanted to tell me that she was going out, yaddayadda. It was SO INDESCRIBABLY GOOD to hear her voice again. She's just.. Enchanting. I don't know. There's something about her I cannot quite grasp, but it's exactly that something that makes me love her. We decided to meet up yesterday (yep, first time after THE silent treatment 'fight'..). Then, I called Scott (he called me 8 freaking times during the day!!). He said he missed me and wanted to know what I was upto, yaddayadda. I asked him if he'd be out on Saturday (yesterday) and he said he'd try. Afterwards I realised I was possibly going to end up with both Ailynn and Scott. AND I was supposed to meet up with Jaron (the professional clown I talked about wayyy before)(this is the person that fucked Ailynn's good friend over [literally..] and she hasn't liked him since). Wow.. This could be interesting. Not sure if that's in a good or a bad 'interesting' way...
Yesterday- HAD MY FIRST MUSICAL THEATRE CLASSES IN FUCKING AGES AND THEY WERE SO AH-MAZING IT IS JUST UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I haven't been that pumped in AGES. I felt SO AMAZINGLY GOOD! Scared of feeling so good.. It always means that something is going to go wrong.. Let's hope for the best, let's hope for change! We did the song 'Steam Heat' from the old school musical 'Pajama Game'. It is SO awesome!! Love it! PLUS: I got the lead solo in the song, the character Gladys. SO AWESOME, RIGHT? Then after singing class, I had dance class, which always links to the song we just learned in singing class. OMG OMG OMG. Ok, I shall not bore you anymore, but honestly.. It was SO amazing. Ok, now moving on to the part where I went out. First of all: I looked freaking casual, because of dancing and not being able to bother myself to go all the way home, get dressed beautifully and get my ass back to LKF. So I was there, in my 'funky pants' (quote from Jaron), met up with Jaron and Ailynn (who were there before I was, sitting next to each other at the bar at Balalaika's, talking about the weather)(don't know if it was the weather, actually, but it looked like it). After a couple of drinks (adding: I was tipsy, nor drunk, nor wasted, nor pissed, nor almost throwing up till the point my guts fell out.. I was rather the sober one), I went to the bathroom with Ailynn, for some 'girl time'. Ok, so then she started kissing me. And I started to not be able to say no anymore. Seen past events between Ailynn and me, I don't really know what to do right now, but yesterday.. It felt like the right thing, so I just went along. God, I missed that girl so fucking much. I hope neither of us is going to fuck this up, because I appreciate her company (in any way whatsoever an incredible amount). Jaron and Ailynn were fine with each other, or at least so it seemed. Jaron paid me the best compliment he could possibly give me, by the way. He said we're friends. And for someone like Jaron (a rather die-hard misanthrope)(I am not exaggerating; he hates people. As in.. Hates them) that's the real deal. He's amazing. Ok, so after he said that, he bought me a drink and after he bought me a drink, who arrives? Exactly- Scott. Now the party was really complete. Ailynn's arm was around me and she flirted excessively with me. Not that I minded.. I just didn't know if Scott would mind. He didn't seem to mind, however. Then we went to cafe Schnurrbart (on the other side of the road from Club Fong [again I refer to the post with the picture in it of Lisa and me]) and Scott, Jaron, Ailynn and Justin played drinking games. It was FUN. I drank half of Jaron's/Ailynn's beer (I don't particularly like beer, but that beer tasted fine, actually) and alright.. I was pretty tipsy after a while of sitting there, sipping of all sorts of drinks and having had quite some before that as well, with NO dinner and NO lunch and NO breakfast in the stomach.. So yes. Ailynn sat next to me and she kept kissing me. No dirty stuff, just quick ones on the mouth. We disappeared to the bathroom again after a while. We came back out after a while and whenever she kissed me/I kissed her, Justin and Scott would basically just.. Stare. Haha, what a life. Yesterday was the best day I've had this year. It wasn't 'fucking great', but it was at least 'very great'. It was amazing. I had a great time.

And now, there's the panic, always the panic.. And we all know that when Camilla starts panicking, things start going wrong. And that is something that I do not wish for to happen. Demons can please stay away this time. Actually, demons can always stay away, but especially now.
You have no idea how much I love Ailynn. She's one of my best friends, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's amazing- enchanting. When we didn't talk, it felt as if I lost various people. Various people, in only not talking to her. She missed one of the biggest things that happened to me in my life (relating Josh, my supposedly best friend, the guy I did not want to talk about in the post 'JE M'EXCUSE!') and there were times I just wanted to pick up the phone and ask her why she didn't care. And when she stopped caring. If she ever cared at all, actually. Fuck, you have no idea. I love her so much. I'm so grateful for having seen her yesterday. Even if we would just have talked our way through the evening.. It would have been freaking ace.
So I'm wondering about what is happening between me and Scott here. For the past weeks I've started to create a genuine liking in the guy (not only physically, by the way, nor am I in love with him- none of that. I'm talking about the genuine feelings here, the real ones). At times he looked sad yesterday, at times he looked as if he was enjoying the sight. So I'm confused as to what I actually mean to him and what not. He was the one that said we are 'just' friends with 'benefits' (proper ones, even), but I don't know as to where that leaves us. I've been so in love with Ailynn. I thought I was over her. Seeing her for those 4 hours yesterday left me so happy at the time itself and so confused afterwards.. I don't know what to do.
Thing is, that the people I know say their friendship means 'too much' to them and it stands in the way of becoming 'something more'. Even my friends say it, when they don't really mean it. What they actually mean, is 'I'm just not that into you' (yes, I've read the book and yes, I've seen the movie and yes, I liked the book and no, I didn't like the movie). But when it comes to Ailynn, I don't know how far we can go anymore.. She means the world to me and I actually mean that. I always screw things up and if I screw up with her, I won't forgive myself for that. She actually does mean too much to me. But I don't know for what- She means too much to me for... Me being able to kiss her without screwing up? Me being with her? Me being in love with her again/still? Me being in any way involved with her?
I don't know.
I only know that including Ailynn in my life (as in.. Completely including her in my life), would mean I have to exclude Scott, physically. And considering I do not know what is going to happen between me and Ailynn YET, I don't think I can do that just yet, either. He's such a great guy. And when he gave me that rose, I actually thought of giving him a shot. I actually thought of getting to know him better because I actually thought it could work out between us, if we'd get to know each other better. And then Ailynn pops into my life again.

This is all so very confusing. But it basically means, that if I include Ailynn in my life, I cannot be 'just friends' with Scott. We won't be friends at all. Unless we will be friends in quite some time from now.
If I include Ailynn in my life as a 'just friend', I'd still be able to have Scott in it as a 'friend' as well. I'm just afraid Ailynn and I haven't been 'just friends' for a long time already.
It should be an easy 'choice' to make. Still, it leaves my heart twisting and turning. Wondering if I'll make the right decision for once in my life.

What do you do when there are two people- one of them is too precious and the other one is just becoming precious enough for you to care about leaving?