FEAROFBEINGALONE

You have no idea how tired I am. I am not even sure if I understand my tiredness myself. I have exams this week- internal exams that are supposed to give our teachers insight into what kind of predicted grade to give us that is going to be sent off to universities when we apply next school year. I was well prepared, once more. Don't know if it is because I am so scared of failing (no exaggeration) or because it is just pure bad luck, but every time I have important assessments coming up, things are going on. Remember my English IOP? I got just above average as a grade, whereas i was predicted full marks. This because I hadn't slept in 5 days (well- slept for a total of 2 hours, max.) and was starting to hallucinate because of being over-tired. And now.. I don't know. Yesterday evening I threw up all of a sudden and today in school I threw up again. I don't know why this is; I don't feel sick at all. It is just as if my body does not want me to do well. It is as if my body is aware of my fear, but does not want to help me overcome it.
I don't understand.

Every time my parents ask me how an exam went, I have no idea of what to say. I am so incredibly scared of telling them it went well, when I think it did, in fact, go well, to find out afterwards that I screwed up.. And I'm scared of telling them I think I didn't do well, because they get all disappointed and 'protective' and stuff, only to find out afterwards that I 'underestimated' myself and that I should work on my confidence.
It is hard to explain how hard I find it to explain what fear does to me in every day life. It is not the general things I am afraid of. I mean.. I guess I am just your average person: I'm afraid of the dark, loosing the people I love, not succeeding, insects, etc. But besides that there is so much more fear in this head of mine (and body, or so it appears to me now).. I am afraid of having money, a cell phone, going to bed, waking up, seeing people I care about, not seeing people I care about, failing, succeeding, public transport (no jokes), coming home drunk, coming home sober but being happy for once resulting in my parents thinking I'm drunk after all and so much more.. I am even scared of how my guards smile at me in the morning, before I go to school.

And I know: It sounds either utterly exaggerated or completely paranoia. But let me do an attempt to explain the fears to you. One by one. So you might understand.
The dark- unless I am listening to music, I am 142% sure there is a rapist behind every corner. I have my reasons to believe this.
Loosing the people I love- I am not only afraid of loosing them, by the way. I am afraid of being with them and gaining affection for them. I am afraid of them smiling to me and believing they mean it. I am afraid of smiling back, opening the little door to my heart just a little bit more than I actually should. Everytime I loose someone I truly care about, I get more and more convinced there is bad in everyone. But also the hope in me grows stronger- the hope that there will appear someone who will show me the happiness I'll find was worth the pain. I don't believe it's worth it. But I have to.
Not succeeding- I mentioned this above. It is one of my biggest fears. And I actually think it is one of the three things or so that had the biggest say in who I am today.
Insects- Not that scared of insects, actually. Well, depends on my mood, really.
Money- Why keep it in your wallet if you can get a heart attack any minute and not have spent your money? Better do something with it now you can and enjoy it :) Unfortunately, money is one of the main issues my parents and I fight about. I understand them, I really do. At least most of the time.. Sometimes it's just as if they don't want to undertand me. Especially not when I feel miserable as all hell and go impulse shopping (this gets really, really radical; I buy the most random stuff, just to feel better for a moment)(which ceases to be the case as soon as I get home and my parents find out -.-).
Cell phone- It makes me paranoid. Literally.
Going to bed- My nightmares are not to write about. I wake up crying, almost every morning and most of the time I don't even remember concretely what I 'mared' about. The song 'Black Roses Red', from Alana Grace: "As twisted as it seems, I only feel love when it's in my dreams.."
Waking up- Today I saw the movie 'Prozac Nation' (based on the AMAZING book 'Prozac Nation' by Elizabeth Wurtzel; definitely worth a read/watch) and there is a line that speaks for itself: "I woke up today, afraid I was gonna live." Does that not say enough? No? How about this one then: "I'm having a mid-death crisis; I nearly lived today!" If you don't get it, you're either not that literarily focused or.. Just stupid. I expect neither from you, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.
Seeing people I care about- Always thinking about if it's the last time I see them. I hate fighting, because if something happens during the fight or right after it and I haven't said how stupid I am and how much I hate myself and how right the other person was all along and that person like.. Dies, or something.. I would never be able to forgive myself.
Not seeing people I care about- I'm not there to watch over them and am always afraid something might happen to them. I sound like such a freak, but this is actually what goes on in my head all day.. No wonder I talk this much....
Public transport- This used to be a true phobia. It sounds incredibly stupid and I am actually really ashamed of it, but truth is that whenever I have to take any form of transport alone for the first 3 times or so to any place (even if it's a taxi and it'll drop me off right in front of where I have to be), my knees start shaking and I start to genuinely freak out. When I was a little younger, I started trembling/shaking, crying, vomiting, rambling, etc. etc. There was not a thing as scary as me going on public transport on my own. Even now, the routes I have taken a zillion times before, are still scary for me to take when I'm alone. I have no idea why- I only know I avoid being alone on buses, trains, trams and taxis.
Coming home drunk- I'm not supposed to drink alcohol, because of my epilepsy and my epilepsy medication. It is alright, actually. Before about a month and a half ago I never felt the urge to binge drink. But more and more often I find myself looking at bottles of wine, bottles of vodka, bottles of whiskey- bottles of anything, really. They are mainly empty. Not emptied by me, but lord, how I wish I had emptied them. It sounds incredibly childish, but all I want to do, is get incredibly fucked sometime and just see what it's like. It's probably not as good as it seems; escaping reality and all. Probably.. What if it is, after all?! I'd do almost anything to not be myself right now, even if it is just for a little 2.5 intoxicated hours.
Coming home sober- I remember coming home rather sober; I had had one glass of white wine (I assure you: one glass of white wine!) and that was it for the night (oh, and lemon tea -.-). When I got home, it was still quite early (1:45am) and I still heard the music of Lan Kwai playing in my head, on party shuffle. I told my parents what happened and how it was ('fun fun!') and I believe they shot each other a glance. I hope they didn't think I was drunk, because I really wasn't!! It'd be so stupid if I'd get away, being drunk, but being accused of drinking when I'd only had one glass -.- Gosh, that would be 'interesting'.
Smiling guards- Why are they so nice? Is there something between my teeth? Is my Chinese pronounciation off?! Is my muffin-top visible??! WHAT IS IT??!?! :S
Loneliness- Isn't this the core of everything? It would ruin it if I'd try to explain it.. It's rather self-explanatory. Just think about this: isn't loneliness just pure misunderstanding? Somewhere, something went wrong. But where?

I miss Josh.
And I miss sleep.
I miss loving without fear, without doubt.
And I miss the feeling of being loved.

He looks at me with those big brown eyes;
He's got me in the palm of his hands
And I swear sometimes..
It's just like you're here again.

Stephanie: It tears you apart.

This is the follow up of Juggling Coke Bottles and The Park.


It Tears You Apart

"My dear, my David.
I don't think I'll have the guts to give you this letter, but it doesn't really matter. As long as I write it.
There's so much I want to tell you, but there are only so many ways to tell you these things and after a while it gets all chewed out, so let's just skip the formalities, shall we?
If everything went according to plan, you're in the park where we had our first kiss right now. If you are, I want you to sit down on the bench where the couple just sat. In case you're not in the park, I want you to please stop reading and go to our park before you read on."

David looked around him and saw that the street lamp had turned on. In merely 2 minutes, dusk had stretched its long arms over the city and David imagined people being far away, arriving to a warm home, a family, to find them all waiting. But not for him this time.
Quickly, David walked towards the bench where the couple had been sitting only minutes before. His fingers were stiff from the cold and it took him a while before he got the piece of paper unfolded again. When he did, he flattened it out on his knee and continued reading fastidiously.

"I like your curls. I like your jumpy mattress. I hate your childish T-shirts with holes in them and the way you never clean anything up, but the curls and the mattress make up for those. I love it when you buy a drink for me, even after I initially declined it. I like it when I walk away and you chase after me, because you are the only person that knows better than I do, that I want to be in your arms- not walk away from them. I like the level we were on, not needing to be together 'officially' to prove to others that what we had was real, because whatever was real for us, was real in general. I hate how despite that level, there were bumps in the road that caused tension, which in the end caused this semi-breakup. I like how you are able to pretend not to care, but again- I hate how that confused me overall."

David stopped reading and noticed that he had stopped breathing. He folded the letter the other way and shoved it under his upper right leg, so he had his hands free to blow in them. And they say the weather gets better from February onwards....

"What I liked about you most, was how you kept hurting me and begging me for more at the same time. You kept breaking my heart, but after doing so, you would always mend it and start over from the beginning. You had me going in circles- I would leave you. You would beg me for mercy. I would tell you we could not be together. You took off. I would beg you for mercy. Remember those days, David? I do. They tore me apart. But isn't that what love does; tear you apart?"

He was crying. He was actually crying. Not in 6 years had David let a tear spring from his eyes for emotional reasons. The last time he cried before he met Stephanie was when his best friend died in a car accident, in which he only broke his nose. And then he met her.. Until this very day, David has still not figured out how one person can have such a great impact on someone else. How can one person lift you up that high? And how can that person drop you down this hard? How come there are people who know exactly what to say or do to make you the happiest man alive, or the most miserable, for that matter? How come it is always the unexpected people you come to care about and, well.. Love?
Oh. My. God....

David stood up and almost fell over. His aggression in standing up, caused dizziness and for a moment he thought he was going to throw up. He leaned with his right arm against the stone wall next to the bench, panting and finding it hard to swallow. Clenching his left hand into a fist, with the letter inside, David slowly stood up. His left arm was now shaking because of the tension in it and he looked at the remains of the letter in his fist. He could not read any further. Every word reminded him of Stephanie's teasing, crooked, smile- every word seemed a joke, but he was afraid that this time nobody would jump around the corner and say 'KIDDING!'
The curtain of night had now been rolled down completely and to read the rest of the letter, David would have to stand under the streetlamp. Bad sign. She wanted him to read it on the bench and if he couldn't right now, he'd better not read it at all. She was the one that told him that: if you're not supposed to do something, fate will let you know soon enough. Don't argue it, don't question it- just follow it.

David let the letter fall and picked up his bag that he left in the corner at the entrance of the little park. He took off to the gig where he had to juggle- never to look back at the park; never to know what the end of the letter beheld. It started drizzling.
In the meanwhile, in the back, a girl stood there, watching the scene. She had a navy jacket casually thrown over her shoulder and as soon as David turned around the corner, she stepped into the light of the streetlamp, which lighted up the silver lines on her face. She picked up the letter of the floor and held it in her hand, carefully, as if not to crush it any further. Then, she brought the piece of paper to her lips and laid it on the floor again.
It stopped drizzling and she walked away.

"It's a sacrifice you make. And I did; I sacrificed this for you, because I loved you. Why did you think I was not able to be with you? It's what this love did to me; it tore me apart. Remember that if you are thinking of me- whenever, wherever... I'll be thinking of you too. And if you think this tore you apart, remember that it doesn't come close to half how torn apart I am over this.
So, please leave me alone. I don't think you can mend my heart this time. And even if you can, you'd break it all over again and if I'm frank.. I don't think that's all there is to love. Sorry. But this time I'll try to find love for which I'm not the only one sacrificing myself.
I love you. You don't love me. In case you do- I ask you to turn around right now. If you don't turn around but walk away after throwing this letter on the ground.. I'll get over it.

I wish you the best and more.
Love. And more.
Steph."

BITTERGOODBYES

I miss him so much, it's indescribable.

Just read the letter Josh wrote me again. And again. And again. Couldn't stop crying for half an hour. I should be doing some serious revision for English, French, Philosophy and SATs. Sorry that I keep bothering you with what I actually should be doing, but it's a way of reminding myself that there is a life besides blogging. It gets hard at times. Just like the life itself.

Sure, I have happy moments. Especially after Saturday (both day and evening) I realise this very clearly. But every single time I think of Josh, I get this weird mix of feelings that I absolutely cannot control.
Of course, every heartbreak seems worse than the last. But if I list the worst heartbreaks I've had in my 18.5 years of life, this one is definitely the big, fat #1.
Why? Because he knew.

He knew about almost everything there was to know about.
He knew what to do, what not to do.
He knew why I am the person I am today.
He knew me.
He knew more than anyone else.

Taking all this into account and still being able to do what he did to 'one of the best friends [he] ever even had' (I quote from the letter), just.. baffles me.
How can you break someones heart like this, when you know how little pieces there are left already?! How can you break the heart of someone who obviously loves you with a passion that is not to be described with words, but just to be lived and felt through actions?! How can you break the heart of your best friend?!
Guess we never really were friends, were we?

I actually hope that you're reading this right now, Josh, even though I know the chances are small that you really are taking the time to have a look into my heart and head. You don't care enough- you never did.
But in case you are reading this and wonder what the hell I am on about.. I'm on about you. You have no idea of what you have done. You were one of the best friends I have ever had and I trusted you with almost everything I could possibly trust you with.
Why did you have to ruin it like this? Wasn't I the friend you wanted? I think I was. Maybe I was even more than that.
I think you were just the friend you never really wanted to be in the first place, for whatever reason..

But why lie? What wasn't there to understand from my stories? Which word didn't you get? Which message was too hard for you to grasp? What letter in the word L O V E doesn't exist in your alphabet? You said you loved me. You said it twice. The word 'love' hardly ever meant as much as it did when it crossed your lips. Now, it means nothing, maybe even less than nothing, and realising that leaves tears in my eyes and on my cheeks over and over again. Why, Josh?!

Every day, I think about you.
Every day, I miss you.
Every day, I both love and hate you a little bit more.
Every day, I go to bed, afraid to wake up and find that you really weren't worth all the tears I cried for you, or worse.. To find that you actually were worth all those tears, but that it's too late..

Every day, I wake up, afraid to spend another day missing you.

Can't sleep 'cause everything's changing;
You don't want to leave things behind.
Can't breathe 'cause too many things going on, going wrong, in your life.

All the places that we've been to;
The people we relate to;
All the love that we give in to..

Blow the tears from our eyes;
Sweet goodbyes.
I know how you feel right now-
Losing dreams you've come to care about..

YOUCANTUNSCRAMBLESCRAMBLEDEGGS

I'm falling apart, all around you..
And all I can do, is surrender.
Just surrender..

[This post is full of grammatical and spelling errors. I am aware of this. I am also aware of the fact that the font is bigger in this post than in the previous ones. I do not know why this is. It is 12:43am right now and I have to get up to go to school at 6:30am and basically can't be bothered to edit all this right now. I shall edit it tomorrow. Until then: I am incredibly sorry for all the inconveniences caused. Get over it.]

I can't believe it. Why does this ALWAYS happen to me? Well, not THIS, but this sort of THINGS. Pliadnoiwljdmaosfilck, mowila? Jlaihfsd!!
Updates (disclaimer: my parents were on a holiday in Vietnam for a week, so the freedom was significantly bigger. They got back today, so the party's over. I missed them though, in my weird little way; it's nice to get less chaotic at times, hehe):

4 days ago- Met up with a couple of people and went out with them. I was with Wesley, Sylvia and Vivien initially and then headed to Lan Kwai with Wesley and Daniel. We bumped into Scott (yep, the one I had 'sex' with in the middle of Lan Kwai), went to the sheesha place 'Sahara' and had some sheesha (durrr) and drinks. Afterwards, we headed to Wan Chai to check out some clubs. Most of them were closed, so we went to Bell In's instead and had a couple of drinks. Walking back, we saw that some random club was open and Scott wanted to check it out really badly (for whatever reason). First deejay was shit, so I actually really really wanted to leave, but didn't, for the sake of Scott, Wesley and Daniel. I think that after a while, the deejay changed, because for a certain point onwards, the music was significantly better than before. We danced, Wesley went home (he got back from Australia that morning, so he was rather tired) and I stayed behind, trying to get Dan dancing with some girl. Scott danced with me and then, all of a sudden, kissed me. He said I looked hot (-.-) and he wanted to 'go somewhere else'. I said I couldn't (for obvious reasons), because I came with Dan and was going back with him as well. He kissed me again, longer this time, and Dan left. This was all at about 4:30am. I dropped him off at his place in the centre of Lan Kwai Fong and he gave me a rose. I gave him another kiss, because he tried so hard. And, okay okay, because I just wanted to.
3 days ago- Met up with Scott, because he wanted to go lanning (online gaming) in Causeway Bay. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed it a whole lot. I didn't know he was that much fun :) We had something to eat (he mainly, considering I am on a hardcore diet again) and went to Wan Chai afterwards to 'have some drinks'. I believe you can all see it coming- we ended up between the sheets. Oh and under the sheets. And on top of the sheets. Yeah.. I still don't quite know what to think of this. At a certain point afterwards when he walked me to my bus, I kind of mumbled that I didn't get what we were, 'not that we have to be labelled or anything.' He answered: 'We're friends, right? With PROPER benefits. I really like you, you're amazing.' When we parted, he thanked me for the day- the gaming in particular. Hahaha, he's great.
2 days ago- Left the house, to come back around 1:15am after having had some drinks with my SISTER (haha!) in Lan Kwai and Stanley. Seeing that our parents weren't here for the week and they don't really want my sister to go out and drink, I asked her to come with me for a couple of hours and not make it too late with her. It might have been 'wrong' of me to do so, but think of it this way: my sister will eventually go out and she will eventually drink. In my opinion, it's best if she does it with me, steadily, and I am there to take care of her, just in case. She can rely on me. We couldn't get into the two clubs we tried at, because they required ID and my sister does not have a fake ID (..yet? LOL!). She said that I could/should stay at club Cliq with my friend Lisa (from a few posts before, in the picture) and dance, like I wanted to. However, I went home with her, because she had had some drinks (minor ones; no hard liquor!)(it's weird how she went for the beer.. I hate beer!) and it had already been midnight. Call me a protective freak, but she's the best friend I've ever had and I would never get over it if something would happen to her. So we went to Stanley. Apparently, she has a thing for apple cider as well... So we got home around 1:15am, kind tired-ish, took a quick shower (and with quick I mean: jump in, turn around in the water, jump out, dry) and called the people back that had tried reaching me on the home phone (when I tried washing my own sheets for ONCE, I used the wrong detergent AND my cellphone got stuck in one of the sheets so it got washed along. I found out 20 minutes after I turned on the washing machine........): Ailynn and Scott. First, I called Ailynn. She wanted to tell me that she was going out, yaddayadda. It was SO INDESCRIBABLY GOOD to hear her voice again. She's just.. Enchanting. I don't know. There's something about her I cannot quite grasp, but it's exactly that something that makes me love her. We decided to meet up yesterday (yep, first time after THE silent treatment 'fight'..). Then, I called Scott (he called me 8 freaking times during the day!!). He said he missed me and wanted to know what I was upto, yaddayadda. I asked him if he'd be out on Saturday (yesterday) and he said he'd try. Afterwards I realised I was possibly going to end up with both Ailynn and Scott. AND I was supposed to meet up with Jaron (the professional clown I talked about wayyy before)(this is the person that fucked Ailynn's good friend over [literally..] and she hasn't liked him since). Wow.. This could be interesting. Not sure if that's in a good or a bad 'interesting' way...
Yesterday- HAD MY FIRST MUSICAL THEATRE CLASSES IN FUCKING AGES AND THEY WERE SO AH-MAZING IT IS JUST UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I haven't been that pumped in AGES. I felt SO AMAZINGLY GOOD! Scared of feeling so good.. It always means that something is going to go wrong.. Let's hope for the best, let's hope for change! We did the song 'Steam Heat' from the old school musical 'Pajama Game'. It is SO awesome!! Love it! PLUS: I got the lead solo in the song, the character Gladys. SO AWESOME, RIGHT? Then after singing class, I had dance class, which always links to the song we just learned in singing class. OMG OMG OMG. Ok, I shall not bore you anymore, but honestly.. It was SO amazing. Ok, now moving on to the part where I went out. First of all: I looked freaking casual, because of dancing and not being able to bother myself to go all the way home, get dressed beautifully and get my ass back to LKF. So I was there, in my 'funky pants' (quote from Jaron), met up with Jaron and Ailynn (who were there before I was, sitting next to each other at the bar at Balalaika's, talking about the weather)(don't know if it was the weather, actually, but it looked like it). After a couple of drinks (adding: I was tipsy, nor drunk, nor wasted, nor pissed, nor almost throwing up till the point my guts fell out.. I was rather the sober one), I went to the bathroom with Ailynn, for some 'girl time'. Ok, so then she started kissing me. And I started to not be able to say no anymore. Seen past events between Ailynn and me, I don't really know what to do right now, but yesterday.. It felt like the right thing, so I just went along. God, I missed that girl so fucking much. I hope neither of us is going to fuck this up, because I appreciate her company (in any way whatsoever an incredible amount). Jaron and Ailynn were fine with each other, or at least so it seemed. Jaron paid me the best compliment he could possibly give me, by the way. He said we're friends. And for someone like Jaron (a rather die-hard misanthrope)(I am not exaggerating; he hates people. As in.. Hates them) that's the real deal. He's amazing. Ok, so after he said that, he bought me a drink and after he bought me a drink, who arrives? Exactly- Scott. Now the party was really complete. Ailynn's arm was around me and she flirted excessively with me. Not that I minded.. I just didn't know if Scott would mind. He didn't seem to mind, however. Then we went to cafe Schnurrbart (on the other side of the road from Club Fong [again I refer to the post with the picture in it of Lisa and me]) and Scott, Jaron, Ailynn and Justin played drinking games. It was FUN. I drank half of Jaron's/Ailynn's beer (I don't particularly like beer, but that beer tasted fine, actually) and alright.. I was pretty tipsy after a while of sitting there, sipping of all sorts of drinks and having had quite some before that as well, with NO dinner and NO lunch and NO breakfast in the stomach.. So yes. Ailynn sat next to me and she kept kissing me. No dirty stuff, just quick ones on the mouth. We disappeared to the bathroom again after a while. We came back out after a while and whenever she kissed me/I kissed her, Justin and Scott would basically just.. Stare. Haha, what a life. Yesterday was the best day I've had this year. It wasn't 'fucking great', but it was at least 'very great'. It was amazing. I had a great time.

And now, there's the panic, always the panic.. And we all know that when Camilla starts panicking, things start going wrong. And that is something that I do not wish for to happen. Demons can please stay away this time. Actually, demons can always stay away, but especially now.
You have no idea how much I love Ailynn. She's one of my best friends, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's amazing- enchanting. When we didn't talk, it felt as if I lost various people. Various people, in only not talking to her. She missed one of the biggest things that happened to me in my life (relating Josh, my supposedly best friend, the guy I did not want to talk about in the post 'JE M'EXCUSE!') and there were times I just wanted to pick up the phone and ask her why she didn't care. And when she stopped caring. If she ever cared at all, actually. Fuck, you have no idea. I love her so much. I'm so grateful for having seen her yesterday. Even if we would just have talked our way through the evening.. It would have been freaking ace.
So I'm wondering about what is happening between me and Scott here. For the past weeks I've started to create a genuine liking in the guy (not only physically, by the way, nor am I in love with him- none of that. I'm talking about the genuine feelings here, the real ones). At times he looked sad yesterday, at times he looked as if he was enjoying the sight. So I'm confused as to what I actually mean to him and what not. He was the one that said we are 'just' friends with 'benefits' (proper ones, even), but I don't know as to where that leaves us. I've been so in love with Ailynn. I thought I was over her. Seeing her for those 4 hours yesterday left me so happy at the time itself and so confused afterwards.. I don't know what to do.
Thing is, that the people I know say their friendship means 'too much' to them and it stands in the way of becoming 'something more'. Even my friends say it, when they don't really mean it. What they actually mean, is 'I'm just not that into you' (yes, I've read the book and yes, I've seen the movie and yes, I liked the book and no, I didn't like the movie). But when it comes to Ailynn, I don't know how far we can go anymore.. She means the world to me and I actually mean that. I always screw things up and if I screw up with her, I won't forgive myself for that. She actually does mean too much to me. But I don't know for what- She means too much to me for... Me being able to kiss her without screwing up? Me being with her? Me being in love with her again/still? Me being in any way involved with her?
I don't know.
I only know that including Ailynn in my life (as in.. Completely including her in my life), would mean I have to exclude Scott, physically. And considering I do not know what is going to happen between me and Ailynn YET, I don't think I can do that just yet, either. He's such a great guy. And when he gave me that rose, I actually thought of giving him a shot. I actually thought of getting to know him better because I actually thought it could work out between us, if we'd get to know each other better. And then Ailynn pops into my life again.

This is all so very confusing. But it basically means, that if I include Ailynn in my life, I cannot be 'just friends' with Scott. We won't be friends at all. Unless we will be friends in quite some time from now.
If I include Ailynn in my life as a 'just friend', I'd still be able to have Scott in it as a 'friend' as well. I'm just afraid Ailynn and I haven't been 'just friends' for a long time already.
It should be an easy 'choice' to make. Still, it leaves my heart twisting and turning. Wondering if I'll make the right decision for once in my life.

What do you do when there are two people- one of them is too precious and the other one is just becoming precious enough for you to care about leaving?

Sorrow Of Lan.

For English, we had to write a creative response to a certain part in the book 'Sorrow Of War', by Bao Ninh. 'Sorrow Of War' is a book about life during the Vietnamese war, written by one of the ten Vietnamese survivors. Only ten out of 500 Vietnamese warriors survived and Bao Ninh was one of them. The book is written in the third perspective, from the point of view of Kien, who is a commander in the Missing In Action (MIA) team. It is not a light book and certainly not easy to understand, considering it are mainly flashbacks that one reads and flashbacks don't ever come in chronological order. This book is not written in chronological order, which emphasises the chaos during (and after) this terrible war. I strongly recommend anyone to read this book, even if it is only because of Ninh's amazing writing style or the story (for the diehard lovebirds: the story is not about war, but about the effects of war; the war is merely a setting. The real story is about love!).
Here is my creative response,- it's a certain chapter from the book I picked to write from a different point of view. As I said, it was originally written from Kien's point of view and now I wrote it from Lan's point of view. Even if you haven't read the book, you will understand this piece. I got a tres good grade for it :)

(No title, so let's just call it 'Sorrow Of Lan' for now, haha)

Opening the door, Lan looked into the eyes of a man she no longer knew. For a moment, the two remained silent, but then Lan recognised the tall, handsome stranger. His once so young, unblemished face held a more serious look now, scarred by the long days of war. Even in his eyes she could see that the man at the door had aged and, indeed, gravely changed. He was no longer the boy she knew from the old days which seemed further and further away whenever memories drifted up in her mind.
"Sorrowful Spirit," she whispered.

The name that could only be called by recognition, belonged to Kien, the commander of the Mission In Action team who had settled at Doi Mo with two other soldiers in his younger years. She saw confusion in his eyes and chuckled and shrugged nervously: "When you settled here, I was only thirteen years young." Lan paused and thought of what had been when Kien and the other soldiers had settled at her house. "And the girls of this region have always been reserved and unattractive," she added softly, sadly. She felt her muscles tense up, but instead of seeing the expected look of disapproval in Kien's eyes, she saw something that she would have placed as admiration, if not pleasant surprise. Lan knew that she, of course, had changed too. Her body was now full-grown and all her childish features had disappeared with the long, long days of war.

"Of all the people that have been here, only you have returned, Kien. My brothers, classmates and my husband, too, were all younger than you, and joined up many years later than you. But none of them has returned, just you." However intrigued with Kien's altered appearances, Lan could not look athim anymore. The scars on his face were too familiar...

After Lan paid tribute to her mother with Kien, night had begun to settle upon the village. The late afternoon sun stretched her last tingly rays out over the long grass, like children stretching their arms when they yawn after having just woken up.
"You're the only one that came back. Don't go, don't... Leave me alone." Lan paused, still not looking at Kien. "Will you please stay with me for the night?" As Lan asked Kien to stay, her eyes carefully travelled from his feet to his eyes again. He looked at her and then nodded resolutely.

The night seemed short, to both of them. Especially Lan felt pleasantly surprised by how gentle Kien was with her after she had approached him. Firstly, he had seemed cautious, careful. She wasn't sure if he had wanted to make love with her, but when she had wanted to leave his room, he said one of the few sentences during his whole stay: "Please, stay. You look beautiful."
She had turned around and lied down on the bed. They did not speak; they did not need words. All the noticeable sound, besides the sound of their breaths and bodies moving, came from the night-birds from the edge of the forest and the far away rippling of the slow stream in the hamlet of Doi Mo. Time seemed to pass by too slowly at the time, but when all was over, night seemed to have passed too briefly.

Early in the morning, Lan walked Kien through the long grass, wet with dew. For the last time, she would see someone, Kien, leaving. Not able to find words that could possibly describe her state, Lan ended up saying: "Live peacefully, my dear. Try not to be sad, and try no to think poorly of me. And one other small favour: if you come to the end of your wandering and seem to have no place left to go and no one to turn to, remember you have a place here with me, always. You have a home and a woman. A friend. You started this war in Doi Mo and you returned. You can return again, once more." Kien let her trace the lines of his strong, broad shoulders and touch his graying hair, as she talked. When finished, he nodded silently and hardly noticeably. He looked into her tearing eyes and hugged her. Lan could feel his heart beating against hers, or was it hers against his? She placed her face in the curve of his neck and said, with a muffled voice: "Please, please go now. I shall never forget you. Please, don't forget me, not completely. This love comes so unexpected..."

Lan's grip loosened and so did Kien's. "Please, go now," she repeated quietly. And he did. It was up to Lan to wait once again, endlessly, for someone that might never return. The tears that had wet her eyes, now wet her face as well, as they fell out of her eyes and were gushing over her cheeks. Lan watched Kien walk away, she watched him slow down and slightly turn around once, as if hesitating to come back. Then, he turned around and walked on. She stayed in front of her house, on the edge of the grass field. She stayed until the tears stopped coming and then walked back home, through the wet grass, with a face still wet from crying. When she passed the tombstones of her mother and son, she stood still for a brief moment, to wipe the salt off her cheeks. She looked at the tombstone of her son and then up at the sky, that was starting to brighten up. She smiled.

CLUBBING

Night out started nicely. I was with Kate, Tiffany, Billy, Lisa and some others.
Later, we met Jaron and Greg (yes, Greg) at the Buddha Lounge. It was alright.
Then Billy wanted to leave, so we did. We were going to go to Taj (the sheesha bar we always are), but then all of a sudden, Billy just left and went home. I don't know what was wrong, but he was 'just in a bad mood', according to him. He was having an attitude towards Kate, which was totally unfair, so I said that he should knock it off. Then he said I should never have come in the first place, which was completely ridiculous, considering he was the one asking me if I wanted to join them in the first place! Not really talking to Billy right now. Let him cool down first..
I don't really get what his point is.. The day before, after everyone else left and we were the only two people left at Taj, he declared his love to me, yet again. 'I never said it was over for me,' was literally what he said. I asked him what he meant (of course I knew, but what are you supposed to say in such a situation?!). He answered: 'Camila, I am attracted to you. Very much so. I never said what I felt for you was over. It isn't over.'
God. Why does my life always have to sound so surreal and cheesy movie-ish? It sounds like one of those cheesy soap operas, but there is one difference between the soap operas and my life:
My life is real.

This was at Club Fong, after Kate and I left Greg and Jaron at some random Electro House club, which was totally rubbish. Later in the morning (around 2am), Jaron found us and hung around for a bit with a pint of beer, while Lisa, Kate and I were dancing till our feet fell off.
The lovely Lisa and me:

YOUCANTBUYLOVEBUTNOWIKNOWYOUCANRENTIT

Hi everyone!

I am having a crisis!
I am absolutely and utterly in love with the musical RENT, both the broadway version and the movie version are astonishing and I can't get it out of my mind. Since I've been living in Hong Kong, I've been listening to the music every single day and I still can't get enough of it. At the moment, I am especially comparing the different Mimi's to each other, even though I maybe shouldn't, because they all act out the character of Mimi Marquez so differently.
But still! I need your help!
I got into THE Hong Kong academy for musical theatre (YESYESYES!!!) and I am having a little dilemma in chosing which character version of Mimi I should try doing for my first song (which will be 'Out Tonight').
My personal favourite in the total picture, is Renee Golsberry's performance. My favourite of the guys is Adam Pascal. Tamyra Gray has the best voice out of all of the Mimi's I posted in this post and when I sing the songs, I sound most like her (as in style, performing, etc.).
Can you let me know which performance out of the following you like best? I really value your opinion, regardless if you are into the musical theatre industry or not. An opinion is an opinion :)
Please let me know!
Thanks and love always,
C

(I posted the last link [from the movie] mainly because most people that are not that much into musical theatre like the movie version better because it is simpler and less stage-y, so you might like it better. Well.. See for yourself!)
(RENT is the story of people who live in New York and who are all connected to each other in some way or another. The story begins with Mark, a lonely movie maker, and Roger, a rock star who has had his best time. Roger's girlfriend April left a note, saying "We've got AIDS", before slitting her wrists and dying, which caused Roger to be scared of commitment. He then meets Mimi, the neighbour girl who is a stripper at the CatScratch Club and has AIDS as well. She wants to be with him, but he keeps pushing her away. There are also people who find love when they least expect it, for example Tom Collins, who has an AIDS 'attack' in the middle of the street, and Angel, a transvestite who finds Collins. They fall in love immediately and the loss is enormous when Angel dies of AIDS. On top of all the loss, Mark got dumped by Maureen, a spotlight princess, who then got herself a new lover: Joanne, graduated/majored from Harvard. He is afraid to stay behind all by himself and records everything he sees. Maureen, wanting all the attention she can possibly get, flirts with everything that walks on two legs and makes Joanne jealous to the teeth. On top of this all, Benny, the old room mate of Roger, Mark and Collins, keeps pressuring them to pay the rent, otherwise they will be evicted on Christmas Eve. When Roger keeps pushing away Mimi because he's afraid she might die when he just started to love her more, Mimi finds love at an old "friend's": yes, at Benny's. Roger gets jealous as all hell and takes off to Santa Fe, leaving everything and everyone behind.
Love, friendship and other relationships have a hard time in the musical RENT, but this only shows the characters how much they are missing out on.. Every day could be the last, so forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way,- no day but today.)

Renee Golsberry (with Will Chase as Roger):


Jaime Lee Kirchner (with Tim Hower as Roger):


Tamyra Gray:


&the movie version with Rosario Dawson (with Adam Pascal as Roger):

SHIMMERYSHIMMERYSHINYHO

Getting ready for a night out with Wesley and Daniel!
First meeting BFF Tiffany at Times Square to have some bubble tea and something to eat.
And then.... Party time!!
Love, C

FEELINGBLUE

PHOTOSHOOT

AND SATURDAY I HAVE A PHOTOSHOOT.

This time I'm not the photographer, but one of the models...
There's this absolute ROCKSTAR of a photographer that I know and he asked me if I wanted to model for him, which kind of shocked me, but on the other hand made me feel a bit better about myself. It's funny to see how different I look at myself in the mirror: I'm even more criticising right now and when I'm done putting on makeup, I look what poses are good to go.

I'm nervous already!!
Excited, but nervous....

CAUTION!

Not to convey sympathy or anything, but just as a warning (and a reason) that I might disappear from the bottom of the earth, shortly.

Holidays. Or at least meant to be holidays. What do I have to do?
These things:

French:
Write 20 journal entires.
Write Individual Oral Presentation on drugs.
Watch the movies 'Paris' and 'Les Choristes'.
Write 2 of the questions from the form we got last lesson.
Write at least 2 letters.

English:
Write 2 essays (practice World Lit. 1).
E-mail official World Lit. title to teacher.
Redraft creative writing of 'Sorrow Of War'.
Read Othello +annotate.
Read Oedipus Rex +annotate.

Dutch:
Finish WL1 draft.
Write second essay.
Read 3rd book from 2nd group (probably 'De Tweeling').

Philosophy:
Write the 2 missing essays on Relativism and Determinism/Libertarianism.
Organise notes.
Put into powerpoint presentation.
Revise.

Environmental Studies:
Ask for booklet to study +revise.

Maths:
PRACTICE, DAMMIT.

Theory Of Knowledge:
Organise notes.
Put into powerpoint presentation.
Read book.
Write 1 practice essay to hand in the first week back!

Extended Essay:
Reread 'Waiting For Godot' +annotate.

CAS activities:
Write journal +update the activities on the Gateway.


I can't wait till it's Thursday: LADIES NIGHT!! I'm already wondering what to wear... Any suggestions?! I feel like going shopping tomorrow and I have 2000 to spend, so let's hear it, girls!

Love, C.

MANIPULATIONPROCRASTINATION

What is your current obsession? The Beatles, latex leggings, photography and sheesha (strawberry!).
What is your weirdest obsession? At the moment, the SAT practice tests. I hate the concept of SAT tests, because they're just ridiculous and totally irrelevant, in my opinion. However, every time I do a practice test, I can't wait to turn the page and take another one.. I don't even know why!
What are you wearing today? Neon blue leggings, dark/black-ish Sweeney Todd vintage T-shirt and open black shoes :)
Why is today special? My sister and mother came back from Holland!! I'm particularly happy with my little sister being back; I missed her so incredibly much!! It is also special, because I actually got to be productive and got some work dome (I read and annotated Shakespeare's 'Othello').
What would you like to learn to do? I would LOVE to learn how to make chocolate souffles!
What’s the last thing you bought? A top, a necklace and two leggings (latex black and neon blue) at the shop 'In Fashion'.
What are you listening to right now? One Year Of Love, by Stevie Ann.
What is your favorite weather? VERY cold, but with the sun shining and snow the now and then (big snow flocks, not that pathetic drizzle-snow) or 35 degrees (non-tropical climat though!) in full sunlight and a faint breeze.
What is on your bedside table? I don't have a bedside table. If you'd know what my room looks like, you'd understand: it's just another thing to clean and another thing I can bump into, haha! I keep everything on my bed (I have a king-sized bed, so it fits, don't worry). A few of the things that are on it right now are: the Princeton Review for SATs, photo camera, long underwear (shut up, it's comfy!!), some clothes (white blouse, black jacket, green top/short dress, black latex leggings, black halter top, 2 bras and my sweater from the Switzerland ski-trip), my notebook, the book 'Othello', the book 'Eclipse' (didn't like that, AT ALL), an umbrella, my 2 super thick Philosophy books, contact lens fluid, laptop, cell phone, some necklaces, my French book, the book 'Max Havelaar' by Multatuli, the book 'Like The River Flows' by Paolo Coelho and some more things. I am perfectly aware that the combination of earlier named things is completely random and doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but as you most probably understand... I don't care :)
What is your most challenging goal right now? Deciding where to apply to for universities. My shortlist has changed since the last time I told you what it was, no major changes, but changes nonetheless. Another challenging goal for me at the moment, is not to spend too much money; it's the holidays now (2 weeks!) and I've been going out quite a few times- the money has been flowing like water. How am I supposed to save money?! Ohh, another challenge is GETTING MY IB DIPLOMA!! I'm probably getting another job (I seem crazy :S) which I will earn +/- 10,000hk$ a month with! It's a job as a saleswoman and it's something I'd be good at, but I don't know if I'd still be that good if I'm dead all the time, because of school work. I don't know if I'd still be good doing stuff for school, either. Wah. God help me manage my time carefully!!
Who is your favorite designer? Versace and Pierre Balmain. Chanel has some beautiful things too and the Chloé bags are just the best!!
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Either a cheque with tonnes of money on it FOR ME or an all-around-the-world ticket. Or my admission letter to Sarah Lawrence. All 3 at the same time would be win, too.
What would you like to get rid of? I really really want to get rid of my busy schedule; I never have the time to do what I really like, except when I go out, considering I never really do anything during late evenings, nights and early mornings. On the other hand, I love how I always have stuff to do, because I don't have the patience to be bored and this prevents me from reaching that stage. I would like to get rid of my heart so it can't be broken anymore, as well. That would be nice.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? Lisbon, Rome, Hong Kong or New York. I would like tiny apartments all over the globe when I'm older. I'm a diehard globe-trotter :)
Which language do you want to learn? I'm trying to learn Cantonese (hardest Chinese dialect), but am not really making that much progress.. It's hard to learn a language like that in just 2 years, so I'm more doing it for fun (and just speaking, no writing or reading!). The coming school year I want to take on a course of Italian and Farsi (Arabic). Absolutely wonderful languages..
What did you dream of last night? I slept for 3.5 hours and woke up tired, so I don't remember :(
What's in your bag? I have 7 bags and I use all of them (+2 bags I always steal off my mom), so I don't know which one to pick to turn inside out for you guys. Well, actually, there are some basic essentials I always carry around with me, no matter how small/big the bag is: cell phone (yes, I have one now! Can't resist the trends any longer, can I?), cash/creditcards (not always a wallet, because it's too big for certain purses), lavender lip balm and keys. At first I always had a condom in it too, but I lost it on a night out..

What's your favorite color? I don't have a favourite colour; it all depends on the mood I'm in. But somehow the colours navy, soft+warm orange and sea green always make me feel at ease.. And you can't miss with black!
What is your dream job? Musical theatre performer; can't resist the stage!!! I love acting, singing and dancing and would LOVE to make it my job when I'm older!! Maybe a translator/interpretor for the UN or in court, those would be very interesting.. A job that would require me to do some writing, would be cool too, but I'm afraid I can't just 'call on' for inspiration. I write a lot at times I don't actually have the time to write. Then when I am asked to write something, I can hardly stick to a deadline because my work is never good enough. Might be a disadvantage, ha. But it would still be really cool to write, maybe be a writer or co-writer. Maybe even editor of a magazine. I don't know yet. All I know, is that I would never EVER be able to be a housewife. It's passive, non-versatile and boring.
What are your plans for this summer? I'm going to the US to go uni-hopping! Can't wait!! I might go to Portugal afterwards, but I don't think that that's very realistic, considering I'm not only going uni-hopping but also going to do a writing and a musical theatre course which will take up most of my time (and basically, all of the money).
What is your favorite magazine? Nylon and Lula.
Who is your style-icon? Lou Doillon. Fo'shizz.
Describe your ideal man. My ideal PERSON is someone who is not afraid of feeling things, because I am afraid to feel emotions (any emotion) and by being with someone who is not afraid, I might let go of those scary feelings. Someone who is realistic and does not assume their true love will come along without any flaws. Someone who will be there for me when I need them, someone who will be able to allow me to be there for them whenever it is that they need me. Someone who will love me and is able to let me love them, being just who we are.

BACKTOBLACK

Getting ready to go for dinner with my dad. Last night we had a surprisingly good time together, but of course, that didn't last for too long. At a certain point he got really angry at me for, well.. Nothing, basically. He had no valid reason to be angry at me, so I guess he was just frustrated about something.. I don't know. Ah well.
With all this shit going on in my life at the moment, I decided it to be best for me to go back to black for a while. And I don't feel like looking pretty for my dad today.
This combination of factors makes me look like this:

PS: This season = latex leggings = win!!!!

STRAWBERRYSHEESHA

Mirella and I, during our night out at sheesha-bar Taj.

JEM'EXCUSE!

My life is too complicated for updates. Several reasons:
1. Too personal.
2. The person that is mainly involved in these situations, is someone I used to call my best friend and he has the link to this blogpost, being one of the few people I personally know that do.
3. It is too painful, too explicit, too complicated, to put it all into words without making it messy.

I would love to talk/write about it, but at the moment, I'm feeling too many things and I can't differentiate between a dot and a comma anymore. It's just really complicated right now, but I might write about it later.

Another reason why I haven't updated my Marvellous Adventures, is that I have been insanely busy with things I have to do for school (as you probably read in the previous post that I wrote about a month ago). I feel horrible about having to admit it, but I haven't even stuck to my new year's resolution of writing at least 1 story every month (3 stories in January don't cover February and March as well,- I have to find a routine soon and stick-to-it!). There is just hardly any time.

Anyways, my lovelies. I am really, really sorry for not having updated in such a long time! (Even though I am completely aware of the fact that actually very few of you are interested in my Marvellous Adventures.)

I'll try to update more often again!!


Love,
Camilla