First and second thoughts.

What a fine, fine Christmas this was.
NAWT.
I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought, was literally that.
I looked to my side to find that my sister had already left to her diving course, which will take up 5 entire days of the holiday. Happy for her, not so happy for me. But I smiled and said I was happy. For her. The reason I'm not going too, is because I am blessed with the disease epilepsy. I am supposed to take my medication every morning after breakfast (which I keep missing every day here, because I just don't wake up on time) and I cannot do all the cool stuff, like: getting my driver's license, bungee jumping, swimming in a swimming pool by myself with no supervision (that knows of my illness), showering when I am home alone, taking a bath on my own, parasailing, sky-diving and, of course, 'normal' diving. Sucks.
Fortunately, in half a year, I can finally do these things (again)!! Looking forward to it, I genuinely am (:
(The reason why I can do it again in half a year, is because it's exactly a year and a half ago that I had my last big seizure and.. well, these are the laws of epilepsism.)

My second thought of the day,- literally, the second.. Was that I hate whining to you guys. But you know, I guess nobody's really reading it anyway, so it doesn't matter all that much.. And still, I feel bad about only having shit things to say. At the moment, I am just in a piss mood, but overall.. My blog isn't exactly the funnest of all blogs on blogspot.com and I kinda want to try making it a bit happier.
The thing with blogger is that it's the only place where I can rant about what I actually feel, without smashing vases against the wall and fighting with the people around me. It's a sort of therapy, I guess. It helps me to put the things in a row inside my head, so I see things clearer and there's the fact that it prevents me from smashing things/people.
Nevertheless, I am absolutely going to try and be happier from now on. As you already could see before (but you didn't, because you're not reading this), I posted a couple of pictures of the most gorgeous bags and a link to the most wonderful website ever (may I remind you: http:/dlgg.oh-aspiration.org/ )(if you didn't see it before: en-freaking-joy!). I might do that more often. Even though 80 percent of the blogs on blogspot.com are about fashion, it is the only thing I can think of at this moment that can make me happy (and sad at the same time, because I am broke again). So if you like fashion, stay posted (:


Lots of love, and a merry belated Christmas! Hope you guys had great Christmases!
I'll tell you about mine in the next post.

-Camil.

Spoiled bitch.

Dear lovebirds!

I'm going to Thailand tomorrow,- Pattaya, to be exactly.

Now, I don't know if you know anything about this place, but the only things that I know, are that:

1. It's HOT.

2. It's pretty.

3. It's a prostitute resort.

I really really do NOT want to go. I'd love to go to Thailand one day, but not with Christmas, and especially not this Christmas!

Why?

1. I have tons and tons of homework to do. I already have massive concentration issues, but it doesn't particularly help that I'm going to a beautiful place on the planet where the weather is good and I've never been to before.

2. A couple of my best friends are back in Hong Kong now, which includes Dhruv, who goes to boarding school in Pune (India) now. I miss him so fucking much,- it's almost unbearable. And now he's finally back and I've only had one opportunity to meet him this far. Tomorrow night I'm leaving for Pattaya and I won't be able to see him anymore.

3. I met some awesome new people, just like I mentioned before. They will be gone by the time I get back, which sucks majorly.

4. I won't get to know new people, because due to the riots, strikes and financial crisis, nobody is even thinking of going on a holiday to Thailand. Friendless for life, 'yay'!

5. Christmas for me, means a cold time that gets warmed up with the stuff around it. Christmas is not: lying on a beach all day long to see who gets brownest. It's 29 degrees in Pattaya at the moment.

6. I hate the beach anyway. Even when it's summer and you're supposed to be sunbathing,- I avoid it.

7. I won't be able to go out. My parents and grandparents will be with me 24/7 and if they are not, then my sister will be. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, I really do. I love her more than anything in the world. But she is 13. Now that is young, especially when it comes to going out.. Gahh.

8.  Loads of things were already scheduled a long time ago: I was going to have lunch with Sylvia, I was going to do a sleepover with Tiffany, I was going to have dinner at Dhruv's house every night (just kidding, darling (; ), I was going to go watch Madagascar 2 (how cool is that!!!?? I KNOW right!!) with a couple of friends, I was going to go out with Christmas with the people I met 4 nights ago and I was going to have dinner on New Year's Eve because of Claudia's 17th birthday, Christmas & the New Year. AND SO MUCH MORE. Now I had to cancel everything again and made a complete fool out of myself. It wouldn't have been this bad if only I had known before and could've cancelled everything like.. a week ago. Geez.

In case you didn't notice yet: I am freaking pissed off.

It's not just the fact that we're going. It's the way that it's been taken care of:

-My dad asks me if I want to go.

-I think about it for 10 minutes.

-I say I think it's best for me to stay, because of a lot of homework and already scheduled appointments with friends that live on the other side of the world now.

-My dad tells me to think about it for a while and tell him the day afterwards.

-I think about it.

-I tell him the day afterwards that I want to stay and I give him the above 8 reasons (in different words, however. I know when to be diplomatic.).

-He looks at me.

-He looks away.

-Later in the evening, I ask my sister: 'Are we going or not??!'

-My sister answers that she was eavesdropping and 'by coincidence' heard that we are both going with them to Pattaya.

What is this? I don't even get to hear where I'm going anymore??

And why do people ask me what I want if they're just going to ignore me when the answer isn't what they'd like/expect to hear??! Jesus-CHRIST.

It's not that I don't appreciate the fact that we're going, by the way. Because I really appreciate it. I just don't want to go NOW.

God, I feel guilty for not willing to go. I feel like such a spoiled little brat, but I can't help it. I honestly think I have good reasons not to want to go to Thailand this holiday.... It's just a waste of money.

This only shows that I shouldn't look forward to anything,- not even holidays!

It can only fucking disappoint me..

F u c k  m y  l i f e .

TB-realisation.

Shit, I just realised how much I miss Tim Brown (yes, that is the Ex)(yes, the Dick). It's insane. I even told my tutor about it, did I tell you that? Apparently he knows him, because he used to work at the school Tim used to go to. Gludgrmpffd.

Fucking heroine-addict.

And he can't stop, because as soon as he does, he goes *phiet-phiew, cold turkey.

I don't know what to do.. Everything's out of my hands since he's broken up with me.

I already knew that I wasn't over him,- far from over. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, sad as it may seem. But I always seemed to be thinking that I could still be there for him. I start realising now, that that is far from true..

I can't still be there for him.

Even if he would come to me, if anyone would come to me, to help him.. I wouldn't be able to.

..

It would get me into an even deeper hole than it did before.

I honestly don't think I would be able to do that again. I don't even know if I'm not doing it anymore..

I'm still climbing upwards and I realised that I have a longer way to go than I thought.

I'm making flowers out of paper,

while darkness takes the afternoon.

I know that they won't last forever,

but real ones fade away too soon.

I still cry, sometimes when I remember you.

I still cry, sometimes when I hear your name.

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now,

but when the leaves start falling down, I still cry..

It's just that I recall september.

It's just that I still hear your song..

It's just I can't seem to remember, 

forever more those days are gone.

I still cry, sometimes when I remember you.

I still cry, sometimes when I hear your name.

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now,

but when the leaves start falling down, I still cry..

I still cry, sometimes when I remember you.

I still cry, sometimes when I hear your name.

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now,

but when the leaves start falling down, I still cry..

But when the leaves start falling down, I still cry.....

The broken lovebird.

A couple of days ago, Tim and I broke up. I told him that it is too hard to handle the distance and he understood. Especially because I want to go to the United States after another year and a half in Hong Kong and he'll be staying in the UK. It is not that I don't like you, I already wrote: I absolutely love him, with all of my heart. But what am I supposed to do? Restrict myself from all fun I can have over the coming years? Restricting him from all the fun he can have over the coming years?

As, from my point of view, it is supposed to fail, there is no point in restricting ourselves from anything. It just doesn't make sense to me to stay together, if we know that we are going to break up in a year or so anyway. So yeah.

When my aunt just asked me how my boyfriend was (over Skype), I got remembered of the crude fact that I didn't let the whole blogger-community know that.... I am  s i n g l e .

..

It doesn't feel like it though.

When there is an entire world in between of two people and they break up, you don't notice, because nothing really changes. The difference stays the same and it's not like you stop missing each other almost every moment of the day.

It's driving me insane, to be honest.

The only difference between now and then, is that I can actually say it out loud, when someone has a nice ass.

But whatever. What are we really talking about? I'm only 18.

I'm not even supposed to think of long term relationships and moving in.

The distance just makes it easier, I guess..

Anyway. I'm getting kind of confused. I think it's the whole thing about being 'single' again, but I don't know why everything has to happen at once again. I mean.. All of a sudden, 2 of the hottest girls in my year claim to be bi and honestly.. They are hot. Dayum.

I have a good friend, from Chinese International School, whom I hardly ever see, but whenever I do, I always feel attracted to her. It's just not fair how people that you know are not good for you (considering relationships or just 'quick flings'), always are the people you find yourself attracted to mostly.

This holidays, I already met a lot of new people. Some of them are just a year above me in school (still younger than I am, though) and others are on a holiday. One of them is called David and he's in my school now (as I said: the year above mine). I met him when I went out a couple of days ago and we basically chilled with some mutual friends until 4 in the morning, hehe. Another guy that I met that night, doesn't go to my school anymore. He used to be in David's class, but he moved to Canada (-.-). His name is Pascal and he's Swiss. We alway speak French with one another and he's actually one of the most awesome people I've ever met, hehe. Just friends though, but it's fun to flirt. No harm in that, right?

Ok but the girls.. That just sucks. 

My parents don't know I am bi, by the way. I've known since I was 12/13 and it's not that I am ashamed or afraid to tell them (well, I may be the last one....). I just want to have a reason to tell them. You don't tell you're parents you're straight either, do you?

Now ok, I know,- it's not all and all the same, but I just want to have a reason to risk fighting with my parents. I'm not particularly looking forward to it anyway and I want to wait until I find the right person to 'come out' with. When I'm actually sure of the person, I can start talking about the fact that I like both sexes.

It's actually a lot more logical to like both than just one (either through being straight or being gay)(it's all the same to me; restrictions). Why? Well, let me ask you something. Have you never told your girlfriends that 'it's all about the inside' and that 'it doesn't matter what someone looks like, as long as he/she is a good person and benefits you as a person' ?

If you say that you've never said either one of those or both, you either lie or you're weird. Everybody should at least have said it 3 times or have thought it.

Actually, I don't really care a lot about what you've said or thought. The point is, that I think it is hypocritical to say things like that, but at the same time restrict yourself to liking only one sex. Now I know: you don't restrict yourself,- you get born that way. Unless you don't 'label' yourself. I hate labeling, but I label myself, because I know that's what I am: bi.

I love people. I love being in love. I don't see the logic in falling in love with only one sex, because wasn't it 'about the inside'? You fall in love with the person, not with the way he or she looks. Or you're a hypocrite.

To be honest, I never claimed only to fall for the inside of a person. I think it's a lie. But as almost every single creature on the planet seems to be willing to lie to themselves and believe that,- ah well. I think that sexuality isn't about 'falling in love', but with attraction. Love is completely different from attraction. I could tell,- there was this one guy who got on my nerves SO badly, but I still wanted him really really badly. He wasn't necessarily 'hot' or 'handsome', but he just had that ...'something'.

Now, personally.. I don't relate that to sexuality. I don't see why someone from the same sex can't be attractive in your eyes. Wouldn't it be a bit hypocritical of us to say that we don't feel attracted to our friends from the same sex, at least a BIT? When you're friends, you should see that special something in each other,- you should see the good things, no matter how many 'bad' things there appear to be. You're friends,- you're supposed to see those special things in each other.

I might just be a freak.

But ok. I just came out on the internet. On my blog. Which is being read regularly by my aunt and uncle from Portugal. Yes. Family.

Ok.

I'm gonna go slam my head against a wall now. (:

Fare thee well, lovebirds!

Why I was surfing for 3 hours straight yesterday....

Lalalala.

Hardly ever been this happy at the sight of a website. Of course there are amazing websites out there, and indeed,- I visit most of them regularly. But I forgot about all of them.

Http://net-a-port.com/ is an amazing website and I'm on it a lot of my time (hehehehe)

BUT THE WEBSITE BELOW OWNS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER SEEN.

EVEN HYVES, FACEBOOK AND ALMOST BLOGGER.

This is serious business.

Http://dlgg.oh-aspiration.org/

Now, if that isn't just the COOLEST, AWESOMEST, AMAZINGEST, WONDERFULEST thing you've EVARRRRR seen.....

..you're a loser. (:

Amamamaazing! Camilla in love!

Look what I have found!

Amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing:

Chloe (chain handle tote)

I really do need that job. Right now!!!!

Arghblubshrgup!!

Yummy stuff! & I'M NOT EMO!!!!

Oh Lord. It is almost Christmas!

Normally, I don't particularly look forward to Christmas or the Christmas holidays. The only thing I do look forward to, is being with my (Portuguese) family,- the people I hardly see.

Well, this year....I'm not seeing them either, except for my grandparents, who have been staying with us for 3 months till now. They're staying another month and then they're going back to Portugal. I'll miss them, especially my grandmother.

Oh dear.. Christmas.

I never thought it would be possible: looking forward to Christmas in Hong Kong. It's just so cute, how all the lights are out and it just feels.... Cosy. It is so nice to finally feel home.

Too bad it won't snow, though.

I know I won't get any of these things, but it isn't as if a girl can't dream, right?

Bags, bags, bags.

I'm addicted. Dhugfsg.

Chloe and Marc Jacobs

Alexander McQueen (Elvie patent leather tote)
Marc by Marc Jacobs (Faridah shoulder bag)
Jimmy Choo (tube mirror clutch)
Jimmy Choo (tube patent clutch)
Celine (satine box clutch)Michael Kors (sutton patent clutch)
Anya Hindmarch (piano python clutch)

Hmmm. Yummy!!

I can't wait till I start working again (WHICH IS ONLY IN FEBRUARY!!!)(hmpfh), so I get more money, so I get new bags and clothes and (yes, I do believe that that comes along)(at least for a bit) happiness. Not all happiness can be bought, but money sure helps. At least I don't have to ask for things and I can pay for my things myself. I feel less guilty than I would if you would ask my parents for money.

This whole week is Dress Differently Week, by the way. Every day, we have a different 'theme' and we're supposed to dress up to it. Monday was 'Dreamjob', Tuesday was 'Favourite Character/Own Superhero with Own Superpower', Today it is 'High School Stereotypes', Thursday it is 'Twins, Triplets, Groups' and Friday it is 'Christmas'.

On Monday and Tuesday, I didn't dress up. Except for the camera-necklace I wore on Monday, with a really fashionably-over-the-top-for-school outfit: I claimed to be a fashion photographer. 'Yay'!

Today, however, I did something completely different. High School stereotypes is a pretty cool theme and so I decided to make work of it. I went to school as a 'Scene Girl'. Scene kids are totally 'it' in the UK nowadays,- Scene Kids are basically emo, but they say they're not. The clothes that Scene Kids wear, are almost exactly the same (except that they don't ONLY wear black, but they neutralise it with for example khaki and/or brown-ish) and they wear terrible eye-makeup, just like emos. So except for the khaki/brown colours, the only thing that basically divides the Scene Kids from the emos, is the shouting of 'I am not emo, I am not emo, I am NOT emo!' [etc.]

Here are some pictures I took in the morning, just before going to school:

Remember! I am NOT emo!!

Love,

-Camilla

Today was like ....

Today I decided to scrap the whole Moulin Rouge / Sparkling Diamond - thing.

People are pissing me off like crazy. They just don't do what they are supposed to do and I cannot do all of it myself.

Well, to be honest.. I would be able to, but I would lose on points for my subjects,- my grades would go down and I would get really stressed of it. And: it wouldn't be as good as it would be with help from other people.

So if people from different apartments can't even give me their work before their deadlines and I have to chase everybody because of every little thing they have to do / hand in....Either I end up doing it or I get pissed off because I'm behind on my schedule, which is really cropped up, especially because it is just getting started.

Or was supposed to.

I'm basically stressing over the decision of scrapping the whole thing, because I am the one making a fool out of herself now. I am the one responsible, I was the 'leader' of the whole project-thing and as it is non-existing and nawt going to happen anymore, I have to take my responsibility and tell everyone (who was excited and wanted to come to the auditions or to watch the show, mainly) that it has been flushed down the damn toilet. People will start talking again. I can't take that very well, as you've noticed, most probably.

But okay, if you keep that aside.. The other 'fun' thing that happened today, was that I couldn't connect to the server in school today, before school started, so I couldn't e-mail myself my essay for Philosophy to print it out. The printer at home wasn't working, so I had to print it out in school this morning before class, but noooo. And then I went to class and my 'punishment' is: getting candy, chips, drinks, etc. ready for our lesson on Friday. We are having a little party then, because it's the last lesson of term and it is our big hello to the Christmas holidays! That is fun, but the fact that I am the one taking care of the food / drinks is just nawt cool, ok?

Haha. Ah well. I can actually laugh about it.

Furthermore..

Hm. Nothing.

I'm finding myself listening to Abba a lot.

Is this a good thing?

Sunny athletics.

SIS Athletics day. Too good to pass out on. (Or not.)

Unlike you

There are no guarantees in life.
Not for the present, nor for the future.
All I know is that I'm here; 
Don't know for how long.
I love the way you live so intensely:
Enjoy every minute of life,
With space to swing your arms around,
Laughing loudly.

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange? 
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time, 
There is no time, 
There is no time, 
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present and the future, 
Are all side by side, 
Hand in hand.
You move and change, 
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me and ask me questions.
Makes me nervous; 
This room,- it keeps a constant tone,
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

We just mirror each other.

Last wednesday night, I had Latin dance again and Melissa had a sort of 'reception' for all the winners of tennis at the Ladies Recreation Club (our family club in Hong Kong). We went together to the LRC and when Melissa found out that everybody knew her, but she didn't know anybody herself (and they were old), we decided to just have dinner together. Here are some pictures of the night. It is unbelievable how much I adore this girl. She is amazing!

(NB: I really should have been writing my Philosophy essay on the question 'Do we have free will?", my Environmental Studies essay of which I don't have a clue what it is on about and my Theory Of Knowledge journal entry. Instead, I edited my pictures of the evening with my sister on Picnik.)

Seriously??!

I don't like gossip.

Home, sweet home.

I cherish an incredible self-disgust, self-loathing and self-hate for..oh guess who? Myself!

I'm the most jealous bitch you will ever meet and there is hardly anything I can do against it. Let's give an example, shall we? Okay. Prepare. The example I am going to give you guys is a very recent situation. Too recent maybe. I'm still crying (don't you think it is amazing how I victimize myself here by saying that I'm crying, by the way? I think it takes quite some talent).

I did something terrible.

Ever since she existed, I have felt jealous about my sister. I've tried to keep it 'in', but there have been several occasions in which I couldn't help myself and everything came out, as lava comes out of a volcano.

For example: my sister is sporty. She has been playing tennis for a couple of years now and she's incredibly good (especially if you see her playing next to me or something, which you won't. Not in a hundred years). By now, she needs a cupboard to put all her trophies in and everywhere in the house, there are tennis balls, rackets, tennis shoes, tennis skirts, tennis tops, tennis bags and deodorant to be found. She even has a 'Certificate of Recognition', signed by the head of Physical Education in our School, because of an 'Outstanding Performance in the Basketball Module' and as if that weren't enough... She has little reminders of her visit to Florida in her room (where I sleep as well, at the moment, because our Portuguese grandparents are here for 4 entire months and they sleep in my room). Florida was 'the best time of [her] life' and she 'would do anything to go back. RIGHT NOW.' I was so happy for her that she went to Florida summer camp, because what she did there, wasn't just sunbathing and sipping from Cookies&Cream smoothies, but also playing ...well how'd you guess? Tennis. She had the time of her life and I'm very happy for her. But yes, I've never had that. She has always been 'the quiet, sporty one'. I have always been 'the loud, girly one'. Do you see how painful this is? All people have ever seen, was the fact that I like pretty clothes and that I spend time on the way I look. People used to hate me, because they thought I was crying for attention when I had anorexia, that is how much time I spent on my appearance. People only see the superficial me and you know what? That is the only me I want them to see by now. I never expect people to see the 'real' me anymore. And that's fine. I just don't let my hopes live up. Oh, by the way: did I mention that my sister is the 18th in Hong Kong rankings, all ages, with tennis? Well, now you know. Too bad there are no famous rankings with dancing, because the fact that I was pretty damn good at dancing... Everybody seems to forget about that. (Believe it or not, but I am a good dancer.)

Furthermore, my sister is gorgeous. She has a nice clothing style, pretty hair, a beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes. She is funny and radiates happiness. She has an attitude and stands up for herself, something I can only dream of. Sometimes I wonder if we're even sisters.

And to end (and bring this to where the story really is going): my sister gets all the friends. If you ask: "Who is the people-person: Melissa or Camilla?", 9 out of 10 will name me. Why? Because I talk to everybody I know. And to people I don't know. I have no problem socializing,- I like everybody when I meet them and I want everybody to like me (yes, pathetic. Leave it alone.), so I'm genuine to every person I meet. Some people get confused by that, apparently, because they don't get how someone can be nice to people from different social groups. They always pull over to one group or another in the end and they have never seen me do that. Well, let's put something straight: they never will. That is not who I am and that is not what I do.

But what do I do then? The answer is pretty simple.

I make people miserable.

I pretend to always help people, but that is not true. I may help them, directly, but indirectly, I always seem to hurt people. Even when I don't mean to (and if I may say so: I never ever ever EVER mean to, not even if I don't like the person that gets hurt. And this I swear). A couple of weeks ago, I made this awesome friend: Tiffany (she's the one in the pictures with me in Tanzania). She is one of the most awesome people I have ever met in my life and I really really appreciate everything she says. After Tanzania we became closer and closer and I can say without lying that she is the best female friend I have at the moment. But this is where the jealousy sets in.

Tiffany is the first person in a very very long time that sees me for me. She doesn't see 'the loud, girly girl', but she sees me. She sees the good things, the bad things, the normal things and the abnormal things and the weird things is... She seems to understand some of the things naturally. At first I got scared of that, because I knew that I was going to let her in. I knew I was going to let my hopes live up again and that can only mean one thing in my case: I get hurt. But ok, so Tiffany sees me for me. 'What's so special about that?', you may think. It's special, because she's good with my sister as well. Too good, when it comes to me. They are on iChat with each other continuously and whenever they are together in school they have inside jokes (the one begins to smile and the other joins in. The rest doesn't have a clue about what's going on). It literally makes me feel noxious when I see them together or even when I think of them together. It's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.

I don't know what to do with it... The reason I'm so possessive over Tiffany, is because she's such a high estimated friend of mine and I don't want to loose her. But a fact is that whenever people get to know us, they prefer me over my sister. But when they get to know us better, they get to know her 'real' self and of me there will be nothing new to find out.. I'll always be the same to them, unless I have a reason to treat them otherwise. People always end up liking my sister better than me and I-can't-stand-it. She deserves it, but whenever it comes to my friends, I freak out.

And that is exactly what I did. I freaked out.

I posted some terrible things about my sister on Facebook and I don't get why. I honestly don't know why I did it. I hate myself for doing it and I immediately deleted it, but that doesn't justify that I did it in the first place. I wrote: "Remember in all times:: My sister is a kankerhoer." Yes, those were the literal words. If you don't speak dutch: 'kankerhoer' is a very offensive word in the dutch language and I never use it. I hate it whenever people say it, but it was fresh in my mind, because my English friend Lewis was saying it the whole time when we were walking through Mongkok last Saturday, so I put it in the note. I felt terrible about it and I deleted it almost immediately after posting it, but not before my sister read it. Of course she told my parents about it and they gave me a rant of God knows how long. My mother was screaming at me and even though I wanted to tell her that I could hear perfectly fine, I didn't, because I knew that I didn't deserve anything. I don't. My father only said one thing: "If you do this one more time, you will not sit on the same table as I do anymore. I do not know you anymore." My mother ranted on through whatever my father was saying: "How could you! And your sister! What has she ever done to deserve this behaviour from you! She, the person who always had your back on everything, how can she ever look at you the same way! You, of all people, YOU! You should know what it is like...." blahblah. It went on like this of a while.

But at least I feel terrible about it.

So if the hate, radiating from my sister towards me, isn't enough to punish me for this all,- for the jealousy I cherish inside me, as a burning flame that gets bigger and bigger as I try to suppress it, and what I do with that jealousy,- then the bricks in my stomach are. The tremors of my hands are. The burning hot tears, streaming down my cheeks, are.

I'm so sorry.

Everything is such a mess at the moment. I'm so incredibly busy with stuff for school and with figuring out how everything with 'le boyfriend' is going to be going and it's just... AKNOIWHLIOWFEHOLIDANGGOBINGIWF to have to come to the conclusion that everything I used to be good at, has disappeared. 

^I can't write anymore; my words don't make sense anymore

^I can't dance anymore; I do latin dance and it just doesn't work without a partner

^I can't concentrate anymore; I keep losing focus at moments where I absolutely must focus

^I can't help my friends anymore; it's either that or nobody listens to me in the first place

^I can't do without my best friend Roel anymore; I miss him so incredibly much, it's indescribable

The only moments I can think of what is going on inside my head,- the only moments I can actually 'give it a moment', are the moments I'm on blogspot, telling you guys about my interesting life. And the frustrating, yet comforting, thought, is that nobody is actually reading it.

Dear Santa,

I wish I knew how to make friends.

And how to keep them.

Thank you,

Camilla.