I decide it is time. I look in the mirror in the bathroom of my college dorm, and decide it is time.
I am a novelty, even to myself. As I try to avoid the stars that are flickering in front of my eyes, I come to the conclusion that there is no way around the dizziness and pain anymore. Yes, this is what it has come to be; this is what my reflection is now - no reflection at all. It has become a more and more frequent thing; not seeing myself and having to listen to other people telling me what they see.
I plant my long, bony fingers on my cheekbones, and stretch back the fleshy skin that's covering them. I move my hands to my collarbones, and dig my fingernails into my skin, as if holding a steering wheel. I close my eyes; it feels so good. My mind and my hands travel down to my hips. I make two fists and pound on the pointiness of my hipbones. I swallow. I feel so proud, yet so disgusted. I feel my bones sticking out, poking through my skin, but have gotten used to that feeling, and so I dismiss it; I can always be thinner, I can never be too thin. But as with everything else, I dismiss the thoughts before I get too much into them. I think I know the answer already.
I sit on the floor, thinking of Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightley; did/do they never go through what I'm going through? I'm not nearly as skinny as they are, not nearly as beautiful. Maybe my body is still getting used to this feeling of emptiness.
I still sit on the bathroom floor, with my head between my knees now. Is this what it is like to grow up? I wonder. I think I know the answer already.
I lift my head, call my roommate. She's not there. I sigh and call out for my suitemate, and hear her rush to the bathroom. She opens the door and stares at my naked, repulsive body, and says:Ohh... Dear, I never thought it was this bad. She sits down and holds my massive tininess. What happened? she asks carefully. And for the first time in months, I cry. I tell her,- I tell her about the hiding, the sneaking, the lying. She makes it seem alright; she doesn't seem to blame me at all. It's okay, she says. But I can't stop crying. All the way to the hospital, I cry. All the way to the eating disorder clinic, I cry. But it is time. It is time for me to radically change.
In Middle School, I started to split my cookies in half. I said no -NO!- to seconds; didn't finish my firsts.
In High School, I had an appetite to act, dance, sing, make love, and taste, always saying no -NO!- to the latter.
The food in front of me, all food, but especially the food that was prepared by me, turned into an altar of resistance, of discipline. It didn't last long for me not to feel anything anymore. I was so lonely and anxious. It was easy not to eat. It was at least a lot easier to feel hungry than to feel any of the painful emotions that I would feel if I would eat.
After weeks, months, years, I allow myself to eat. After all this time, probably even longer than I am now semi-willing to recognise, of calculated portions and predetermined meal planning, I do finally allow myself to eat. And it tastes. Unbearably bad.
I realise that this is why I stopped eating. I realise that my tastebuds didn't want to go through the strenuous pain of the action of eating anymore. I realise that this is why I purged to begin with: my stomach couldn't tolerate something this gross and repulsive any longer., And then I stop. I stop my thoughts and think to myself: Really, Ed? Are you really trying to manipulate me now? Are you really trying with all you have to convince me that that is where you came from? Really?
I feel sick to my stomach.
I go outside to get some fresh air. I realise that it wasn't the taste of the food, nor the action of eating - it was the action of not eating, and the combined feeling of emptiness and numbness, that made Ed come to life.
I am heartbroken.
I go back inside and feel everyone's gaze on my growing stomach, arms, and legs. I feel like I'm about to...
I purge. Not voluntarily, but I purge. I am confused, heartbroken.
My body should love me for getting renourished, I think. But instead, it hates me, just like how Ed hates me and has hated me, for all of his existence. Just like how I hate myself.
What, what am I doing? What have I done to myself? And as I think these things, my body spasms forward, "I collapse to the ground, and I purge again. In all my sins, I purge.
Is this what it means to grow up? Being on the brink of breaking up with yourself by obsessing over yourself? By buying clothes 2 sizes too small as a motivator to lose weight? What does it mean, to grow up? Losing passions, energy, life, friends? Oneself? Can we grow down?
If yes, then what defines us? The empty pit in our stomachs? Our attitudes, our lifestyles, our destinies? Our pain? Our disease? My disease? I don't know.
I only know that I can't feel much more now, but what I feel more, is what 'normal' people would call 'happiness', I think. I look in the mirror in the bathroom at the ED clinic, and I see myself. I see myself, and with that, I see a happier person than ever before.
20.11.10
A MiRROR, DARKLY
The only difference between reality and fantasy is that we get to wake up from one of them. The fun part is choosing which to wake up from.
-Chris Lazariuk
13.11.10
MY JOURNEY iN THE SUN.
I see myself on a road. I keep going and going. And going. The road I was taking before, I found steady, safe.. Helpful. It was like sledding down a hill; the adrenaline rush one of the greatest I've ever had. I went faster and faster as time progressed and I seemed unaware that every slope has to stop at some point.
But it did. It stopped and I crashed and burned. I realised I was sledding, but it would be safer to walk, maybe. So I walked. And walked and walked. And walked. Then I started to walk a little faster, I started to run. I got out of breath and stopped running, stopped walking, stopped with everything altogether. I wasn't going anywhere anymore; I didn't move at all from my safety spot; it had never felt SO good to just... Stop. And not do anything.
One day I woke up and decided that my journey couldn't have 'just ended'. I realised that nobody's journey should 'just end', so that counts mine as well. I picked myself up and made it; the longest journey I'd ever made, and am still making. I made it to a place where I didn't have to move, wasn't allowed to move even, to continue my journey. Klarman.
It allowed me to make connections between myself, my eating disorders, my treatment, my RECOVERY, and the road I have been on for all of my life.
It's NOT just a road, it's also a change of seasons, a change of heart. It's winter now, the road is slippery. But one day, spring will come, and the ice under my feet will melt under the sun.
It might become slippery again as winter settles back in, but that sun, that warm, comforting sun, will always - ALWAYS - come back out.
Here comes the sun!
But it did. It stopped and I crashed and burned. I realised I was sledding, but it would be safer to walk, maybe. So I walked. And walked and walked. And walked. Then I started to walk a little faster, I started to run. I got out of breath and stopped running, stopped walking, stopped with everything altogether. I wasn't going anywhere anymore; I didn't move at all from my safety spot; it had never felt SO good to just... Stop. And not do anything.
One day I woke up and decided that my journey couldn't have 'just ended'. I realised that nobody's journey should 'just end', so that counts mine as well. I picked myself up and made it; the longest journey I'd ever made, and am still making. I made it to a place where I didn't have to move, wasn't allowed to move even, to continue my journey. Klarman.
It allowed me to make connections between myself, my eating disorders, my treatment, my RECOVERY, and the road I have been on for all of my life.
It's NOT just a road, it's also a change of seasons, a change of heart. It's winter now, the road is slippery. But one day, spring will come, and the ice under my feet will melt under the sun.
It might become slippery again as winter settles back in, but that sun, that warm, comforting sun, will always - ALWAYS - come back out.
Here comes the sun!
6.11.10
i LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS i CAN
There are things in life that we do not foresee. Things we do not wish upon anybody - even the thought of them merely knowing that you went through one of those things is something that you do not want the other person to experience, so you keep it a secret. A deep, dark secret, that becomes harder and harder to delve up as time progresses.
I have been through various of these things. And I know that I am not the only one who went through these things, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty, ashamed or disgusted.
Several times now have I heard that you have to love yourself in order to love those around you - those who try to love you, over and over again. Is this true? I kept asking myself that question on a day-to-day basis. Well, I thought a few days back, it might not be. But it might as well be very true after all. So why not at least try to love oneself?
Being in an eating disorder clinic in Massachusetts has taught me a lot over the course of the past month and a half. I feel like I already like myself a lot better than I did before, even though I can't quite say that I love myself yet. I am in the process of loving myself, for the sake of being able to return the love that I receive from those around me. The love that I couldn't see (hence, accept) all this time.
The fact that I realise all of this, already says a lot, I think.
I try to look at this process on a day-to-day basis, just like I asked myself if the aforementioned statement was true on a day-to-day basis.
And you know what?
It might be true.
It might absolutely be true.
I have been through various of these things. And I know that I am not the only one who went through these things, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty, ashamed or disgusted.
Several times now have I heard that you have to love yourself in order to love those around you - those who try to love you, over and over again. Is this true? I kept asking myself that question on a day-to-day basis. Well, I thought a few days back, it might not be. But it might as well be very true after all. So why not at least try to love oneself?
Being in an eating disorder clinic in Massachusetts has taught me a lot over the course of the past month and a half. I feel like I already like myself a lot better than I did before, even though I can't quite say that I love myself yet. I am in the process of loving myself, for the sake of being able to return the love that I receive from those around me. The love that I couldn't see (hence, accept) all this time.
The fact that I realise all of this, already says a lot, I think.
I try to look at this process on a day-to-day basis, just like I asked myself if the aforementioned statement was true on a day-to-day basis.
And you know what?
It might be true.
It might absolutely be true.
29.9.10
DEPRESSiON
Being depressed is all about the inner self; about searching for it, finding it and then loosing it. It is an endless circle and by the time the common people figure that out, it's too late for suicide and they die of age.
You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.
Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?
You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.
And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.
The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.
I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.
This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.
You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.
Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?
You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.
And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.
The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.
I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.
This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.
13.7.10
iDAREYOU.
Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down. You know it's not a good idea to get involved, but it's love, so you do it anyway. You know something bad will come out of it, but hey, it's love, so you do it anyway. You're not meant to be, but you want to be; you just happened. You never know what can come out of it, except for the bad. But when it's love, you get a kick out of it anyway. It doesn't matter how long it lasts, because memories last forever.
I know I'm not one to preach, especially not when it comes to love. But let me ask you one thing: if you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today? If you don't enjoy things as long as they're there, then how are you going to enjoy the memories afterwards? We're all waiting for the One, but what do we do in the meantime? We have to be in our prime for the One, and the thing that most gets us in our prime, is loving. So stop waiting in the rain, telling everyone that passes by you're waiting for the One. And go out. Find people you can love. People that will knock you down, and people that will help you to get back up again.
One of them will be the One. And you will be in your prime.
Now go on, I dare you. Love me.
I know I'm not one to preach, especially not when it comes to love. But let me ask you one thing: if you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today? If you don't enjoy things as long as they're there, then how are you going to enjoy the memories afterwards? We're all waiting for the One, but what do we do in the meantime? We have to be in our prime for the One, and the thing that most gets us in our prime, is loving. So stop waiting in the rain, telling everyone that passes by you're waiting for the One. And go out. Find people you can love. People that will knock you down, and people that will help you to get back up again.
One of them will be the One. And you will be in your prime.
Now go on, I dare you. Love me.
9.7.10
ONEDAY..
He put a leaf in the booklet she was writing in, and said:´Now write a story about that, that starts with "And he put a leaf in her booklet."´ She said she couldn´t,- it would reveal too much, because it would be too personal. She wrote stories about everything and nothing, but never about him. She always had him on her mind, though.
She translated one of her stories for him and showed it to him. He didn´t have a reply for anything,- he was struck wordless..by only words.
This girl had his heart and soul, and made him fall in love with her within only days. For some reason, he had a feeling that it would only get stronger as time would go by. She was special, this girl. She could see right through him, without trying very hard. At least that was what it seemed like.
In reality, she needed a lot of energy and patience to see through those beautiful blue eyes of his. She knew things about him that most people didn´t know, nor himself.
But one day, she promised herself, she would tell him everything. And one day, he promised himself, he would find the words to say. He would know how to say ´I love you.´
She translated one of her stories for him and showed it to him. He didn´t have a reply for anything,- he was struck wordless..by only words.
This girl had his heart and soul, and made him fall in love with her within only days. For some reason, he had a feeling that it would only get stronger as time would go by. She was special, this girl. She could see right through him, without trying very hard. At least that was what it seemed like.
In reality, she needed a lot of energy and patience to see through those beautiful blue eyes of his. She knew things about him that most people didn´t know, nor himself.
But one day, she promised herself, she would tell him everything. And one day, he promised himself, he would find the words to say. He would know how to say ´I love you.´
TIMELEFT.
And we lose ourselves in each other´s arms. We go to the beach, have a picnik, smoke up, and lie in each other´s embrace. His red skin burns agains my pale skin, as he lies in my lap, and when he turns his head, his blue-green eyes ask me questions about life, death, God, time, sex, and the world. His body wants me, but his head protests.
-What´s the use of falling in love and give your heart and soul to someone who you know you won´t end up with?
But it´s too late now, Romeo and Juliet, it´s too late. You got yourself and the other person in a situation you would rather not be in, trust me.
But for now, let us enjoy our joint on the beach. Let us enjoy the sun, and each other´s embrace.
The little time we have left. My darling, my love.
-What´s the use of falling in love and give your heart and soul to someone who you know you won´t end up with?
But it´s too late now, Romeo and Juliet, it´s too late. You got yourself and the other person in a situation you would rather not be in, trust me.
But for now, let us enjoy our joint on the beach. Let us enjoy the sun, and each other´s embrace.
The little time we have left. My darling, my love.
EVERYTIMEHESMILES.
There are those little things we love in life. Clean bathrooms, babies, the cherry on top of the whip cream, watching our lovers comb their hair. And watch them smile.
Have you ever watched the horizon right after the sun has set? It reminds me of what his eyes look like when that same sun shines upon his lovely face. He smiles and the world opens up. He smiles and his book opens up,- he tells me stories. He smiles and he makes me smile.
There is a little part between his teeth that´s open,- it makes me want to giggle everytime I see it. Everytime he smiles.
I don´t know what it is that hits me everytime he smiles, but something does.
It´s not love, it´s deeper than that.
I know I fuck up time and time again, but one day I´ll make him mine. I will be right up there in his league, or he will be right down here in mine. I know this, because his smile tells me that whatever happens, he will be there, and won´t let me go.
It´s the wrinkles in the skin around his eyes that tell me that.
Everytime he smiles.
Have you ever watched the horizon right after the sun has set? It reminds me of what his eyes look like when that same sun shines upon his lovely face. He smiles and the world opens up. He smiles and his book opens up,- he tells me stories. He smiles and he makes me smile.
There is a little part between his teeth that´s open,- it makes me want to giggle everytime I see it. Everytime he smiles.
I don´t know what it is that hits me everytime he smiles, but something does.
It´s not love, it´s deeper than that.
I know I fuck up time and time again, but one day I´ll make him mine. I will be right up there in his league, or he will be right down here in mine. I know this, because his smile tells me that whatever happens, he will be there, and won´t let me go.
It´s the wrinkles in the skin around his eyes that tell me that.
Everytime he smiles.
DEFYINGDESTINY.
We weren´t meant to be, but truth is that we just want to, and that in itself is enough for us to defy destiny.
And now destiny is smiling at us because of that.
It´s like I ran a race, and only won first place.
And now destiny is smiling at us because of that.
It´s like I ran a race, and only won first place.
THETREE.
´After this holiday you´re never gonna wanna let me go, you know that, right?´ Nina says with a smile on her face.
´We´ll see about that then, dollface,´ Carlos winks at her.
´I mean it, and you know it,´ she says, seriously but also teasing.
´I know,´ Carlos says, and he starts laughing.
They walk to the car. ´I´ll take you places you have never seen before,´ he says as he opens the door for her.
´Which are?´ Nina asks him. He laughs again.
´You´ll see, girl,´ is all he says. ´Now, tell me, what would you like to see first?´ he asks Nina absent mindedly.
´The best,´ she replies. He thinks for a while and then looks at her.
´Ok.´ He starts the car and when he stops the car again after an about two hour drive, he says: ´There you go. The best of the best. For you.´
´Where are we?´ Nina asks.
´My spot. Get out of the car.´
Nina opens the door and steps out. ´Oh my..´ she says.
´I know. It´s the best, isn´t it?´ Carlos says.
But all Nina can say is: ´Oh my.. This truly is beautiful.´ She runs her hand through her hair and rests it on her mouth.
´It is,´ Carlos agrees. ´Hey, I want to ask you something..´
´Wait a minute,´ Nina interrupts him. ´I just want to do something.´ She looks around her and sees a couple of trees standing. She finds the on closest to the edge. She walks up to the ree and climbs it. Carlos watches from beneath. ´What are you doing?´ he yells up the tree.
´Nothing,´ Nina yells down.
Carlos climbs up the ree as well. ´God, the view is even nicer from up here.´
´Look,´ Nina says proudly, with a pocket knife in her hand.
´Oh..´ Carlos looks at the name Nina carved in one of the branches of the tree they were sitting in.
"Carinho," it said. "Sweetheart."
´I love you, Nina.´
´I love you too,´ Nina smiles at Carlos, her "carinho".
´Give me the pocket knife for a sec,´ he says, looking at the view.
10 minutes later, Carlos rubs the branch he just carved in. ´There you go,´ he says, and he grins. Nina looks at Carlos and shakes her head. ´Why don´t you look at it, Nina? It took me 10 freaking minutes!´
´I´m scared,´ Nina says.
´Come here then,´ Carlos grabs her hand and says: ´Close your eyes.´
Nina closes her eyes. Carlos runs her fingers across the latters he just carved.
W..I..L..L..Y..O..U..M..A..
´Yes. Yes, yes, yes!!´ Nina exclamates. ´Give me my knife back, please,´ she says with her blue eyes wide open again. ´Give it,´ she giggles. Then, she starts carving right under Carlos´ proposal. With her tongue a little bit out of her mouth, Nina carefully carves out a single word of seven characters. ´Done. Let´s go.´
Carlos shrugs and climbs down. He holds Nina´s hand as he helps her get down as well. Before she gets into the car, he pulls her back and kisses her. They stumble back to the tree. Carlos tries to see what Nina wrote before they descended, but she keeps him from it by kissing him.
They make love under the tree and as they lay in the shade, in each other´s arms, Nina traces ten characters across Carlos´ chest.
F..O..R..E..V..E..R..
She looks at Carlos and whispers in his ear: ´Forever.´
´We´ll see about that then, dollface,´ Carlos winks at her.
´I mean it, and you know it,´ she says, seriously but also teasing.
´I know,´ Carlos says, and he starts laughing.
They walk to the car. ´I´ll take you places you have never seen before,´ he says as he opens the door for her.
´Which are?´ Nina asks him. He laughs again.
´You´ll see, girl,´ is all he says. ´Now, tell me, what would you like to see first?´ he asks Nina absent mindedly.
´The best,´ she replies. He thinks for a while and then looks at her.
´Ok.´ He starts the car and when he stops the car again after an about two hour drive, he says: ´There you go. The best of the best. For you.´
´Where are we?´ Nina asks.
´My spot. Get out of the car.´
Nina opens the door and steps out. ´Oh my..´ she says.
´I know. It´s the best, isn´t it?´ Carlos says.
But all Nina can say is: ´Oh my.. This truly is beautiful.´ She runs her hand through her hair and rests it on her mouth.
´It is,´ Carlos agrees. ´Hey, I want to ask you something..´
´Wait a minute,´ Nina interrupts him. ´I just want to do something.´ She looks around her and sees a couple of trees standing. She finds the on closest to the edge. She walks up to the ree and climbs it. Carlos watches from beneath. ´What are you doing?´ he yells up the tree.
´Nothing,´ Nina yells down.
Carlos climbs up the ree as well. ´God, the view is even nicer from up here.´
´Look,´ Nina says proudly, with a pocket knife in her hand.
´Oh..´ Carlos looks at the name Nina carved in one of the branches of the tree they were sitting in.
"Carinho," it said. "Sweetheart."
´I love you, Nina.´
´I love you too,´ Nina smiles at Carlos, her "carinho".
´Give me the pocket knife for a sec,´ he says, looking at the view.
10 minutes later, Carlos rubs the branch he just carved in. ´There you go,´ he says, and he grins. Nina looks at Carlos and shakes her head. ´Why don´t you look at it, Nina? It took me 10 freaking minutes!´
´I´m scared,´ Nina says.
´Come here then,´ Carlos grabs her hand and says: ´Close your eyes.´
Nina closes her eyes. Carlos runs her fingers across the latters he just carved.
W..I..L..L..Y..O..U..M..A..
´Yes. Yes, yes, yes!!´ Nina exclamates. ´Give me my knife back, please,´ she says with her blue eyes wide open again. ´Give it,´ she giggles. Then, she starts carving right under Carlos´ proposal. With her tongue a little bit out of her mouth, Nina carefully carves out a single word of seven characters. ´Done. Let´s go.´
Carlos shrugs and climbs down. He holds Nina´s hand as he helps her get down as well. Before she gets into the car, he pulls her back and kisses her. They stumble back to the tree. Carlos tries to see what Nina wrote before they descended, but she keeps him from it by kissing him.
They make love under the tree and as they lay in the shade, in each other´s arms, Nina traces ten characters across Carlos´ chest.
F..O..R..E..V..E..R..
She looks at Carlos and whispers in his ear: ´Forever.´
SOCIALSTANDARDS.
Isn´t life just a game of forgetting that we play? We all make mistakes and have mistakes made against us. But how many people don´t just wrap those mistakes up and keep going? It´s the ones who don´t that we often forget, and when we do remember them, it´s always in a bad way.
It is more socially acceptable to say that your sister or friend has died of AIDS or cancer, than as a result of an eating disorder or depression. Why?
A depression kills just as slowly and sneakily as one of the other aforementioned diseases. It´s NOT any less common, than everyone thinks it is, it´s just a taboo, a sign of so-called weakness.
´That girl has cancer.´
´What a shame, she´s so young, and such a beautiful person. What did she do to deserve cancer?´
VS.
´That boy committed suicide.´
´He probably did it as an act for attention and the situation got out of control.´
Well, first of all, why would anyone want any attention from YOU, you horrid person? And second of all, what did HE do to deserve a miserable life, followed by a miserable death?
Ever thought of the answer to THAT?
It is more socially acceptable to say that your sister or friend has died of AIDS or cancer, than as a result of an eating disorder or depression. Why?
A depression kills just as slowly and sneakily as one of the other aforementioned diseases. It´s NOT any less common, than everyone thinks it is, it´s just a taboo, a sign of so-called weakness.
´That girl has cancer.´
´What a shame, she´s so young, and such a beautiful person. What did she do to deserve cancer?´
VS.
´That boy committed suicide.´
´He probably did it as an act for attention and the situation got out of control.´
Well, first of all, why would anyone want any attention from YOU, you horrid person? And second of all, what did HE do to deserve a miserable life, followed by a miserable death?
Ever thought of the answer to THAT?
NOTRIGHTNOW.
I´ve seen it all. The roses, the notes, the excuses... But it all don´t matter. I would sacrifice most anything to be with you, my sweet, my love.
I know we are together, and I kno w you lovem e. But I also know you go around and sleep with others.
Hey, you know, I don´t even care. Not even a little bit. I would only start caring when you would, when you would start sending other girls the same kind of texts as you send me also.
I know that one day you will, but for now, I pray for you not to let me go.
Not right now.
I know we are together, and I kno w you lovem e. But I also know you go around and sleep with others.
Hey, you know, I don´t even care. Not even a little bit. I would only start caring when you would, when you would start sending other girls the same kind of texts as you send me also.
I know that one day you will, but for now, I pray for you not to let me go.
Not right now.
HOLDINGHANDS.
´What´s the problem with you and Mickael, lately?´ Medin asks me.
´You see, Medin, there are things I know, about Mickael, about us. And those things make me not know how to act when I´m with him. His eyes tell me too much,- when he looks me in the eye, I see everything. I see so many things, every time, and the more I see, the more I know. And the more I k n ow, the less I kn ow how to handle him,- the less I know what to do,´ I say, and I feel tears of desperation well up in my eyes. ´It makes me furious!´ I exclamate.
Medin says: ´That would make anyone furious. But tell me; what is it that you read in his eyes?´
´So many things,´ I cry. ´Like how he feels fragile when someone holds his hand. That´s why he hates it. That´s why I don´t do it. And I don´t know what else to do!´
´Hmm..´ Medin is silent in thought for a while, but then asks: ´What does your heart tell you you should do?´
I snif. ´That I should be with him.´
´And..?´
´And that I should hold his hand and tell him never to be scared again,´ I answer.
´Voici,´ Medin says.
´You see, Medin, there are things I know, about Mickael, about us. And those things make me not know how to act when I´m with him. His eyes tell me too much,- when he looks me in the eye, I see everything. I see so many things, every time, and the more I see, the more I know. And the more I k n ow, the less I kn ow how to handle him,- the less I know what to do,´ I say, and I feel tears of desperation well up in my eyes. ´It makes me furious!´ I exclamate.
Medin says: ´That would make anyone furious. But tell me; what is it that you read in his eyes?´
´So many things,´ I cry. ´Like how he feels fragile when someone holds his hand. That´s why he hates it. That´s why I don´t do it. And I don´t know what else to do!´
´Hmm..´ Medin is silent in thought for a while, but then asks: ´What does your heart tell you you should do?´
I snif. ´That I should be with him.´
´And..?´
´And that I should hold his hand and tell him never to be scared again,´ I answer.
´Voici,´ Medin says.
4.7.10
ANALYSETHIS.
"The world is turning, but the sun and I are holding still. Where did we go wrong? Was it something I did, or said? Or was it you? Tell me! Where did we go wrong?"
Your eyes. My eyes. So many secrets. When will the world stop turning and you give me a reason to live again? We were so happy, you and me. We were the definition of all that love encompasses. So what happened? What went wrong? I wish things would go back to normal. I wish we would make love again, and not just fuck. I wish your eyes would tell me truths again, instead of lies. I wish you would love me again.
"I wish we could start over. How about that? It wasn't you, or me, for that matter. It was just.. What do you call it... It was just....life. I guess." He shrugged. "I don't know what to say or do to make it all work again. I can only think of how we used to be. Perfect. So all I know is that it is possible for us to make it through. Doesn't every couple go through shit like this?"
"Like who?" I asked him.
"Like... David and Sam, for example," he answered.
"No shit, they went through hell. They´re not your regular couple, though. So who else?"
"Erm.. Patrick and Lydia."
"Pat and Lydia never have problem´s- they go to all parties together, make love everywhere, and are basically a married couple. Without all the shit that marriage brings, that is," I said reflectively.
He started laughing. "They go through shit alright."
"How would you know? It´s not like you´re Pat´s best friend or anything," I said. "And I can´t stand Lydia. With that obnoxious laugh of hers and the way she moves her hands when she talks.."
"Why do you think she laughs like that? It´s her look-at-me-I´m-careless-and-carefree-laugh. Means something is wrong and you know it. It´s all fake. She wants people to think what they think, but on the inside the obnoxious laughter you speak of, is only a cry for help," Fredrik looked at me. I said, bored, "Since when have you become so analytical, huh?" I downed my ice tea.
You never analyse me. The one screaming for help, is me. If you´d have paid any attention to me whatsoever, we weren´t in this shit right now.
"Since I´ve been with you," he said.
"Since you´ve been with me," I sounded like a parrot. An unbelieving parrot.
"Yes. You sit here, thinking what to do with me. You stare into my eyes, beggin me why I don´t ´analyse´ you. But I do, Zoya. I do."
What to do now? What to say?
"And now you´re wondering what to do." He laughed again. "You see, it´s easy. Your eyes tell me everything. Your truths, lies, secrets." He paused. "And one more thing."
"And what would that one thing be," I whispered breathlessly. He smiled warmly.
"That we´re going to make it."
Your eyes. My eyes. So many secrets. When will the world stop turning and you give me a reason to live again? We were so happy, you and me. We were the definition of all that love encompasses. So what happened? What went wrong? I wish things would go back to normal. I wish we would make love again, and not just fuck. I wish your eyes would tell me truths again, instead of lies. I wish you would love me again.
"I wish we could start over. How about that? It wasn't you, or me, for that matter. It was just.. What do you call it... It was just....life. I guess." He shrugged. "I don't know what to say or do to make it all work again. I can only think of how we used to be. Perfect. So all I know is that it is possible for us to make it through. Doesn't every couple go through shit like this?"
"Like who?" I asked him.
"Like... David and Sam, for example," he answered.
"No shit, they went through hell. They´re not your regular couple, though. So who else?"
"Erm.. Patrick and Lydia."
"Pat and Lydia never have problem´s- they go to all parties together, make love everywhere, and are basically a married couple. Without all the shit that marriage brings, that is," I said reflectively.
He started laughing. "They go through shit alright."
"How would you know? It´s not like you´re Pat´s best friend or anything," I said. "And I can´t stand Lydia. With that obnoxious laugh of hers and the way she moves her hands when she talks.."
"Why do you think she laughs like that? It´s her look-at-me-I´m-careless-and-carefree-laugh. Means something is wrong and you know it. It´s all fake. She wants people to think what they think, but on the inside the obnoxious laughter you speak of, is only a cry for help," Fredrik looked at me. I said, bored, "Since when have you become so analytical, huh?" I downed my ice tea.
You never analyse me. The one screaming for help, is me. If you´d have paid any attention to me whatsoever, we weren´t in this shit right now.
"Since I´ve been with you," he said.
"Since you´ve been with me," I sounded like a parrot. An unbelieving parrot.
"Yes. You sit here, thinking what to do with me. You stare into my eyes, beggin me why I don´t ´analyse´ you. But I do, Zoya. I do."
What to do now? What to say?
"And now you´re wondering what to do." He laughed again. "You see, it´s easy. Your eyes tell me everything. Your truths, lies, secrets." He paused. "And one more thing."
"And what would that one thing be," I whispered breathlessly. He smiled warmly.
"That we´re going to make it."
1.7.10
DONTPICKUP.PICKUP!
'What did she say?'
-She said she probably trusts you too much.
'And what did you say?'
-I said she probably did.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm her friend. But I'm also yours. So I said it didn't matter. People trust each other too much these days. I've never seen a love like yours.
'You didn't.'
-Oh, but I did.
'And what did she reply?'
-She ordered another drink.
'And?'
-And got drunk and when home with some guys.
'What the..'
-Look, I told you this before, but I'll tell you again, I'm your friend, but I'm also hers.. She well knows that girls go home with you. Now you know she does the same, except with guys.
'And the fact that I do the same, makes it alright, does it?'
-A little, yes. Hey, I'm only saying that you guys seem to want the same thing. And that's fun. IF you continue going like this, you'll only have... Well, fun. If you want her, you have to accept her and her past. She's ready for you, she's just waiting for you to make a move. Why not do it now?
'Ok.'
I picked up the phone and gave it to him. He trembled a little when he took it from me. Then, he dialed.
'Hey.. It's me again. Can you please call me? It's urgent,' he said, and he hung up.
-That was it?
'What do you mean?'
-I told you she's waiting for you to make a move. Not for you to put the move in her shoes.
'Fine. Watch this.'
He picked up the phone again and pressed the call button.
'Look, I kn ow you're listening. Just hear me out, okay? ... Erm, well. There's no words for this. Except: I want you. I want you, all of you. For me. I want this, whatever it is, to happen. I want US to happen. I'm ready for you, I just hope you're ready as well. And if you aren't... I'll wait. I'll wait to make you mine. Please pick up the..' [...] 'What?'
-What?
'..She hung up on me.'
-What did she say?
'..She just.. Hung up.'
-Yes, but what did she say?
'..She said she loves me.'
I laughed. -See?
I got a text and looked to my left. I giggled a little.
'What now?'
-See?
I pointed outside.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm out of here. I'll be right next door if you need me. Good luck.
I went outside and there she was: my friend Lydia. My friend who actually went home with me and no guys. I gave her a kiss.
-Good luck, I said. I smiled and walked away.
Sometimes people just need a step in the right direction.
-She said she probably trusts you too much.
'And what did you say?'
-I said she probably did.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm her friend. But I'm also yours. So I said it didn't matter. People trust each other too much these days. I've never seen a love like yours.
'You didn't.'
-Oh, but I did.
'And what did she reply?'
-She ordered another drink.
'And?'
-And got drunk and when home with some guys.
'What the..'
-Look, I told you this before, but I'll tell you again, I'm your friend, but I'm also hers.. She well knows that girls go home with you. Now you know she does the same, except with guys.
'And the fact that I do the same, makes it alright, does it?'
-A little, yes. Hey, I'm only saying that you guys seem to want the same thing. And that's fun. IF you continue going like this, you'll only have... Well, fun. If you want her, you have to accept her and her past. She's ready for you, she's just waiting for you to make a move. Why not do it now?
'Ok.'
I picked up the phone and gave it to him. He trembled a little when he took it from me. Then, he dialed.
'Hey.. It's me again. Can you please call me? It's urgent,' he said, and he hung up.
-That was it?
'What do you mean?'
-I told you she's waiting for you to make a move. Not for you to put the move in her shoes.
'Fine. Watch this.'
He picked up the phone again and pressed the call button.
'Look, I kn ow you're listening. Just hear me out, okay? ... Erm, well. There's no words for this. Except: I want you. I want you, all of you. For me. I want this, whatever it is, to happen. I want US to happen. I'm ready for you, I just hope you're ready as well. And if you aren't... I'll wait. I'll wait to make you mine. Please pick up the..' [...] 'What?'
-What?
'..She hung up on me.'
-What did she say?
'..She just.. Hung up.'
-Yes, but what did she say?
'..She said she loves me.'
I laughed. -See?
I got a text and looked to my left. I giggled a little.
'What now?'
-See?
I pointed outside.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm out of here. I'll be right next door if you need me. Good luck.
I went outside and there she was: my friend Lydia. My friend who actually went home with me and no guys. I gave her a kiss.
-Good luck, I said. I smiled and walked away.
Sometimes people just need a step in the right direction.
23.6.10
LOVETHESETHINGSHAH.
000. Name: Camila Maria de Matos Ferreira van Wuijckhuijse
001. Gender: Girl
002. Nickname: Mila, Milly, Camel, Cam, Camster, Camie.. you tell me!
003. Cutest lovebird-name: pancake, pineapple
004. E-mail address: milly_damil@hotmail.com, camila.vw@hotmail.com
005. Date of birth: august 27 1990
006. Astro sign: Virgo
007. Place of birth: Soestdijk (Utrecht, Holland)
008. Residence: the Bronxville, NY, USA
009. Phone number: don´t have a phone here yet.
010. Siblings: Melissa (15)
011. School: Sarah Lawrence College
012. Country/City/Sub-urbs: Country, but close to the city, a little like Sarah Lawrence is to NYC
013. Weight: 58kg
014. Height: 1m67
015. Shoe size: EU size 37/38
016. Eye colour: blue
017. Hair colour: normal people call it brown
018. Pets: Melissa (15)
019. Favourite colour: navy blue.
020. Favourite dinner: Portuguese food
021. What I definitely don't eat: Rat brains or cat intestines.
022. Favourite drink: Bubble tea (from Hong Kong!), Strawberry Margharita
023. Studies: Acting, directing, writing, French
024. Marriage or living together: First move in and then get married
025. Favourite music: Old skool jazz, old skool rock, musical songs
026. Cell phone: Blackberry Bold 9000!
027. Sun or snow: Snow on the landscape and mountains so I can ski, with the sun in my face! Definitely!
028. Dream car: A PINK MUSTANG!!!!
029. Best radio: I don't listen to the radio anymore
030. Best magazine: Nylon!, Australian Vogue, French Vogue
031. Best toothpaste: Toothpaste that works...
032. How late I usually go to bed: 1am
033. Favourite pajama-fabrics: birthday suit.
034. How many children I want later on: 2 I guess.
035. What kind of shoes I like to wear: Pumps
036. Best place to sleep: My lover's bed, wearing his shirt.. Hmm.
037. Favourite song of the moment: I wanna be a billionaire.
038. Relationship: Engaged, but not committed at the moment. It´s a longgg story.
039. Crush of the moment: I miss someone, but my crush is in Portugal, with me.
040. Do I get emotional sometimes: I'm the most over-emotional person you will ever meet.
041. Do I cry when I watch a movie: If the movie is good and I can relate to it, then yes
042. Favourite author: I don't have one, but I like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho a whole lot. Their books make my lives what they are and inspire me in all ways that are possible
043. Typing blindly: Yes, except when I'm eating noodles or something
044. Happiness through money: I don't believe that money equals happiness, but I do believe that money makes some things a bunch easier.. I just happen to be brought up in a lucky way, when it comes to financial matters
045. Nicest people I know: Kunal, Bram. Melissa.
046. How many toothbrushes I have: 2. I don't know why, but I've got 2
047. Behind their backs or in their faces: In their faces. I'm just like that. But when it's about me, I'd rather have it behind my back,- I'm not ready for some truths about myself
048. Most romantic moment in my life: Imagine living in the 21st century and getting a letter on the day you get back from a journey to the other side of the world, from someone who you love, who lives on another continent. The letter you receive, is 5 pages long and on every page, there is at least 3 times mentioned that the person who wrote the letter, loves you, misses you and wants to be with you. The rest of the contents of the letter are about how beautiful you are and the person that wrote the letter, opens up to you. It seems years ago, but this happened to me in november 'O8. I still cry when I read that letter.
049. Piercings: One in each earlobe (: getting another one in my right ear, in the little bulb that´s connected to the cheek! wheeee.
050. Tattoos: a little heart on top of my left foot.
052. Fast or slow: Depends what it's about
053. Sexuality: Bisexual
054. Smoking: yep.
055. Drugs: Erm that just teared me up
056. Alcohol: Yes! I'm not a binge drinker; I don't like drunks
057. What I'm afraid of: Love, not succeeding in whatever it is I want to succeed in, not having enough time.. etc.
058. Favourite city: I don't have just one,- Hong Kong, Lisbon, London, Paris, Maastricht, Amsterdam, so many more
059. Favourite tv series: The L Word, Ally McBeal, Joan of Arcadia
060. Favourite holiday destination: NYC, Portugal
061. Favourite place to go out: Taj
062. Big/Small people: I feel so safe when someone puts their arms around me and they're a bit taller than I am, so I can rest my head on the curve of their neck.. It's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had
063. Nice person I met this year: Kunal Basu, my fiancee.
064. What I do whenever I'm down: Binge eating and puking.
065. Being alone: Love it, but I need people around me the now and then, otherwise I feel like I'm going insane
066. What I want to be when I'm big: Musical theatre artist.
067. Going out: is amazing. love it! love meeting new people!
068. Living together with someone of the same character as mine: It would be nice in some cases, because I know a lot about myself so I know what to do and what not to do, but I think it would ruin the both of us eventually, no matter how cool the person, if there weren't another person living with us (social workers?)
069. What I definitely do not drink: Snake blood
070. Name of future children: Fredrik and Zoya.
071. Relationship with parents: Not good,- I've never been the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm sorry for that, but I can't make it up to them anymore. It's really complicated
072. Driving around in cars: Love it! I love falling asleep in a car and waking up in a different country! Would adore living in the US and travel around a lot in a pick up truck or something.. Would be amazing!!
073. Best feeling in the world: Waking up in the morning, staring in your lover's face, feeling no fear whatsoever
074. Worst feeling in the world: The process of letting go, because the things that you WANT to let go, are hardest to let go of
075. Teddy bear: Egbert, he is a white little thingy and wears red. I've had him since the moment I was born
076. A word/sentence I often use: 'Fuck'/'We ran out of Nutella'/'Darling'/'No, I don't curl my hair' (not joking)
077. Only one question to God: Why do M&Ms smudge when I hold them in my hand for too long??!
078. Romance: I am a romantic,- hopelessly romantic
079. Aliens: I think they do exist, actually
080. Glasses: Yes, I have a couple of pairs.
081. Contact lenses: THANK GOD FOR THOSE!! Not coloured though!
082. Prejudice or waiting to see: Waiting to see
083. Why I'm doing this: I´m bored because I´m grounded.
084. People that hate me: they can say what they want about me, but i just keep singing my song!
086. Why we live: Success, reproduction, survival of the fittest
087. What I do as soon as I get home: pee.
088. What I would never forgive someone: I would forgive anyone for anything. Except for harming my dear ones in a life-changing way (a bad life-changing way); it would drive me insane. Literally
089. What's under my bed: I hope nothing illegal
090. The colour of the carpet in my room: I don't have carpet in my entire house, let alone my room....
091. One thing I can take with me to a deserted island: A little buzzer that would be able to transfer people from one place to the other
092. Who I'd like to be for a day: Idina Menzel, I think.. Just to see what it's like. Or Paolo Coelho; he inspires me immensely
093. Biggest dream: 'I am me' - those words being all I need
094. Biggest problem: I doubt myself
095. Bad characteristic: Very, very, very emotional
096. Addictions: Scratching nail polish off of my nails the second day of having it on my nails (very annoying!!), smoking, falling in love.
097. Love at first sight: I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but 'falling in love' after having had only a glimpse of another person is definitely possible. Remember that I believe that there is great difference to find between 'loving' and 'being in love'
098. Honesty or one white lie can't harm anyone?: Honest towards others, but not always to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself to feel safer or to delude myself from the real meaning from what other people do and/or say. These white lies are self-protection and self-protection only
101. Cheating in a relationship: It's like cheating at Monopoly,- you just don't do that.
102. If I believe in miracles: NO (:
103. Sports: Dancing! Football (soccer, for the Americans here), skiing (racing), volleybal, badminton, kickboxen, pilates. I hate yoga with every fiber of my being
104. Sports I'd never try: Netball
105. Operations: I'm going to have one on my nose, because it has been crooked and I can't breathe properly and it affects my singing. I was actually going to get an operation about a year ago, but due to certain circumstances, the doctors thought it was better to wait
106. Very dark secret: Yes. Which nobody knows. Nobody, except for me
107. Dreams can become reality: Of course they can. If it's the road you're taking, is your choice, however
108. Colour of my underwear right now: i don´t wear underwear
109. Favourite way of saying goodbye: A kiss on the cheek or on the mouth if I'm really good friends with the people. A lover would be a french kiss,- very gentle.
110. If I'd change my name, I'd change it into: Eveline, I think. I've got a friend back in Holland and her name is Eveline and I've always thought of it as one of the most beautiful names for girls. It just looks and sounds so elegant, as if it should always be written with a feather and coal black ink, on papyrus. Wah
111. Define yourself in one word and one word only: Fibrant
112. Ever been in love,- real love: It still hurts and will never stop hurting. It happened to me once and I'm more careful now
113. Favourite fruit: Mango
114. Favourite flower: Frangipani
115. Supersticion: I don't like black cats. I don't like cats anyway, but if they're black, I just feel like running away
116. Favourite ice cream: Mocca-flavoured
117. What the weather is like at the moment: sunny, 25 degrees. yumm.
118. The last person I spoke to on the phone: Enrique :)
119. The amount of keys I always have with me: 4
120. The person I miss at this very moment: Kunal.
121. Job: none at this moment.
122. Left- or right-handed: Right-handed. Everything that's on my left side is either uglier, shorter or less capable of doing things than the things that are on my right side
123. Sport to look at: Ice skating.
124. Favourite subject in school: Drama and French.
125. My last words will be: ´Do you think I ever was me?´ and I hope the reply will be:´I think you were everyone you could be.´
126. Were Adam and Eve naked?: Clothes had to be invented somehow, right? So I guess that Eve got bored with life and started sewing after grabbing the apple and pressing her teeth through the apple's thin skin
127. Someone I'd like to meet, but who would it be?: Someone who would, miraculously, understand me and want to be with me, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it would be just as friends, as long as he/she understands where I'm coming from, without having to say too much
128. Where I'd get a tattoo: Left wrist is next on the list!
129. Favourite gum: chocolate/mint flavoured.
130. Most gorgeous part of a woman: Depends on the woman. Everyone is unique
131. Most gorgeous part about me: Blue eyes, I guess
132. I'd kill this person: 'Ginny Weasley',- she just pisses me off throughout the series
133. North, East, South, West: South-West
134. Cat or dog: Neither, but I think I'd go for a dog in the end if I really HAD to choose
135. Simple and clear or complicated and blurry: I am simple and clear to others, but inside my head it's all complicated and blurry
136. Funny or serious: Healthy balance there, youngsters
137. Full or half-full milk: half full
138. Reading or writing: SHIT THAT'S HARD! Hardest till now... Erm, I just typed 'Reading', but I think I'm gonna go for writing anyway..
139. Coloured or black-and-white pictures: Depends on what kind of picture they are, but if it would be any picture at all, I'd choose black and white, with grain
140.Sunrise or sunset: Sunset - on the beach
141. Laughing or dreaming: both at the same time
142. Summer- or winter-holidays: Summer
143. Sweet or hard: Sweet
144. Introverted or extraverted: I'm extraverted. Very much so, indeed
145. Inside or outside: Always the outside first,- don't lie, women! I fall for the ugliest people though, so I guess that is proof I don't really pay attention to looks
146. Rebellion or a book of laws: Rebellion
147. Light or darkness: Darkness
148. Chatting or calling someone up: Chatting! I hate my voice on the phone.. It sounds as if there is a bag of kittens and someone is smashing a hammer on it
149. Sneezing or coughing: Coughing
150. Condom or barebacked: Erm. Like better bare, but always be safe, girls!
151. Guys with makeup on or without: Without. You're a guy for a reason
152. Older boyfriend: Very much wanted. Not younger!
153. Love of your life or friends: My love of my life would have to be one of my better friends, so I can't really answer that question
154. Kiss or Hug: Kiss
155. Brown, blonde or black hair: Brown, even though I like black a lot too!
156. Pencil or pen: Pen
157. Black or white: Black
158. Laughing or crying: Crying from laughing
159. Coca cola or Pepsi : Coke is coke, just get over yourself, guys
160. Thongs or boxers: For girls in general-> thongs. For me-> nothing. For guys-> BOXERS PLEASE!
161. Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
162. Pasta or pizza: Pasta
163. Hard or soft: Soft
164. Party or disco: disco
165. Driving yourself or having someone to drive for you: Driving myself seems the ultimate freedom right now!
166. Clingy tv show or a girly chickflick movie: Movie
167. Half-empty or half-full: Half-empty
168. Cremating or burying: Cremation for the win
169. Lego or duplo: Lego
170. Forgive and forget or forgive and not forget: Forgive and never ever forget
171. Strawberries or whip cream: a combination of both!!
172. Belief: I do not need other people to tell me how to believe in God, thank you very much
173. Twelve roses or a sorry note: It takes more than a note and some flowers (that DIE, may I add) for something to pass over. Besides the sorry note, give it some time
174. Cinema or sofa at home: sofaaaaa!!
175. Doing the laundry: How fun! ...nawt
176. Heaven or hell: I believe in a heaven, but I do not believe that hell really exists
177: Spoiling or being spoiled: Being spoiled, hehe
178: Beach or pool: Pool
179. Feet or neck: Neck
180. Jeans or other fabrics: Jeans (or lace when I'm wearing a skirt or a dress)
181. Tank-top or T-shirt: Tank-top
182. Favourite brand: Pierre Balmain
183. Swimming pool or sauna: Sauna
184. Bathing oil or bathing foam: If with someone else-> oil, so you can rub each other in. If alone-> foam, just to enjoy yourself
185. Shower or big bath tub: Big bath tub
186. Simple and complicated: Simple
187. Sex or alcohol: Sex
188. Sex or a movie: Movie and then sex?
189. To speak or to hush: To hush and listen carefully is the better thing to do, but I'm always talking (ALWAYS)
190. Happy or sad: Happy
191. Life or death: Life
192. If my house stood on fire, I'd firstly get out: My lover and me
193. In love right now: yes
194. Virgin: No
195. Longest relationship: Relationship that meant something to me? Half a year.
196. Shortest relationship: First one that ever counted, with Bram: a week. We got together like 6 times, but decided we are just better of just being best friends and nothing else, because it feels a bit awkward sometimes, and considering it feels like we're brother and sister now, that was a good decision to make. First relationship that meant a lot to me and wasn't with Bram was Tim Brown. Lasted for a month
197. Disco with friends and your lover or home with just your significant other and you: Disco
198. Favourite position: Depends on the person
199. Weirdest place you ever did 'it': Cinema
200. Place where you'd like to do 'it' some time: A park
201. Sex before marriage: Is ok, if it's for the right reasons
202. Take away or cooking dinner together: Cooking together! That's so cute!
203. Ever getting married?: I´m engaged! lol.
204. Fastfood or chique restaurant: On a date-> fastfood. Just for fun-> restaurant
205. Is it okay for a woman to have complexes and problems?: Of course. As long as she keeps/starts leading the life she wants and doesn't prevent others from doing the same thing
206. Beer or wine: Wine! WHITE!
207. First thought that came to mind when I got out of bed this morning: I haven't slept for 3 days straight now (this is non-fiction)..
208. Reincarnation: I do not believe in that
210. Pretend to believe in reincarnation-> what kind of an animal would you like to be when yo'd come back?: A cockroach. Apparently their survival instincts are the fittest!
211. Most original way of asking someone to marry you: If I would say that, it wouldn't be the most original way anymore, because I'd have mentioned it before you could have done it. I like the idea of a first date, even though it hardly ever happens and when it does.... It's not a good thing most of the time
212. Heating or hearth: Hearth!!!
213. What's on my mousepad: Kate Winslet. It's the latest Elle from the UK and I always use magazines as mousepads, so yeah.. She ended up as a mousepad
214. Ever kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. I kissed a girl and I liked it!
215. Ever been cheating: No, just no
216. How the hell I got this 'survey': It was on the website of a friend of mine
217. A lot of place in bed or hedgehog-like sleeping: I sleep in the foetus-position, but when with lover, in the arms, because it feels safe..
218. Dream house: An old cottage on the English county or a huge mansion. Not a palace though, I don't like palaces. I love the house the Humphrey's inhabit in the series of Gossip Girl; it's absolutely my thing!
219. What my last dream was about: There were black crows in it and an orange sun, but I don't remember if it was a sunrise or a sunset
220. Most important people in my life: Melissa and the people that I love indescribably much, like Kuanl, Bram.. There isn't one set of 'most important' people in my life, I think, actually.. It's the people that inspire you mostly, that are the 'most important', I reckon, but when it comes to actual influences on you, whether you choose to undergo them or not, are also from family and people that have hurt you in the past. Writers (artists!) like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho dare me to get everything out of life. They challenge me to be the best person I can possibly be
221. Love to do when I'm older: Have a really cute cottage somewhere or a huge house somewhere else
222. Walking on the beach or through the mountains: Beach
223. Proud of: Gotten invited by a publisher in Holland (Prometheus) about me writing a book (ah-ma-zing!) and 99% on a maths test!!!!
224. Regretting: Nothing. Absolutely nothing
225. Often in fights: Nope, hardly ever. Except with my parents.. That's a continuing battle
226. Sleeping with a stuffed animal: I do so
227. Daring: Very
228. Spontaneous: You can say that again!
229. Sweet: Definitely
230. Honest: I'm honest, just not always as honest to myself
231. Jealous: I'm very jealous. It's not even normal anymore
232. Funny: Apparently I am
233. Crying: Quite easily whenever I'm alone, but very rarely with someone around
234. Sex after marriage: Whenever you're ready for it
235. Happy with myself: No, but I don't hate myself anymore like when I did when I was 14. That was terrible.. I have accepted my flaws and even though it hurts to say them out loud or to write them down even, I know that they are there and what they are.
236: Most important in my life: Succes, in whatever it is I want to succeed in. The people I love. Myself, because without myself I wouldn't be here
237. Tidy room: right now, it´s actually pretty tidy! :o
238. Fidelity or infidelity: Fidelity!!
001. Gender: Girl
002. Nickname: Mila, Milly, Camel, Cam, Camster, Camie.. you tell me!
003. Cutest lovebird-name: pancake, pineapple
004. E-mail address: milly_damil@hotmail.com, camila.vw@hotmail.com
005. Date of birth: august 27 1990
006. Astro sign: Virgo
007. Place of birth: Soestdijk (Utrecht, Holland)
008. Residence: the Bronxville, NY, USA
009. Phone number: don´t have a phone here yet.
010. Siblings: Melissa (15)
011. School: Sarah Lawrence College
012. Country/City/Sub-urbs: Country, but close to the city, a little like Sarah Lawrence is to NYC
013. Weight: 58kg
014. Height: 1m67
015. Shoe size: EU size 37/38
016. Eye colour: blue
017. Hair colour: normal people call it brown
018. Pets: Melissa (15)
019. Favourite colour: navy blue.
020. Favourite dinner: Portuguese food
021. What I definitely don't eat: Rat brains or cat intestines.
022. Favourite drink: Bubble tea (from Hong Kong!), Strawberry Margharita
023. Studies: Acting, directing, writing, French
024. Marriage or living together: First move in and then get married
025. Favourite music: Old skool jazz, old skool rock, musical songs
026. Cell phone: Blackberry Bold 9000!
027. Sun or snow: Snow on the landscape and mountains so I can ski, with the sun in my face! Definitely!
028. Dream car: A PINK MUSTANG!!!!
029. Best radio: I don't listen to the radio anymore
030. Best magazine: Nylon!, Australian Vogue, French Vogue
031. Best toothpaste: Toothpaste that works...
032. How late I usually go to bed: 1am
033. Favourite pajama-fabrics: birthday suit.
034. How many children I want later on: 2 I guess.
035. What kind of shoes I like to wear: Pumps
036. Best place to sleep: My lover's bed, wearing his shirt.. Hmm.
037. Favourite song of the moment: I wanna be a billionaire.
038. Relationship: Engaged, but not committed at the moment. It´s a longgg story.
039. Crush of the moment: I miss someone, but my crush is in Portugal, with me.
040. Do I get emotional sometimes: I'm the most over-emotional person you will ever meet.
041. Do I cry when I watch a movie: If the movie is good and I can relate to it, then yes
042. Favourite author: I don't have one, but I like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho a whole lot. Their books make my lives what they are and inspire me in all ways that are possible
043. Typing blindly: Yes, except when I'm eating noodles or something
044. Happiness through money: I don't believe that money equals happiness, but I do believe that money makes some things a bunch easier.. I just happen to be brought up in a lucky way, when it comes to financial matters
045. Nicest people I know: Kunal, Bram. Melissa.
046. How many toothbrushes I have: 2. I don't know why, but I've got 2
047. Behind their backs or in their faces: In their faces. I'm just like that. But when it's about me, I'd rather have it behind my back,- I'm not ready for some truths about myself
048. Most romantic moment in my life: Imagine living in the 21st century and getting a letter on the day you get back from a journey to the other side of the world, from someone who you love, who lives on another continent. The letter you receive, is 5 pages long and on every page, there is at least 3 times mentioned that the person who wrote the letter, loves you, misses you and wants to be with you. The rest of the contents of the letter are about how beautiful you are and the person that wrote the letter, opens up to you. It seems years ago, but this happened to me in november 'O8. I still cry when I read that letter.
049. Piercings: One in each earlobe (: getting another one in my right ear, in the little bulb that´s connected to the cheek! wheeee.
050. Tattoos: a little heart on top of my left foot.
052. Fast or slow: Depends what it's about
053. Sexuality: Bisexual
054. Smoking: yep.
055. Drugs: Erm that just teared me up
056. Alcohol: Yes! I'm not a binge drinker; I don't like drunks
057. What I'm afraid of: Love, not succeeding in whatever it is I want to succeed in, not having enough time.. etc.
058. Favourite city: I don't have just one,- Hong Kong, Lisbon, London, Paris, Maastricht, Amsterdam, so many more
059. Favourite tv series: The L Word, Ally McBeal, Joan of Arcadia
060. Favourite holiday destination: NYC, Portugal
061. Favourite place to go out: Taj
062. Big/Small people: I feel so safe when someone puts their arms around me and they're a bit taller than I am, so I can rest my head on the curve of their neck.. It's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had
063. Nice person I met this year: Kunal Basu, my fiancee.
064. What I do whenever I'm down: Binge eating and puking.
065. Being alone: Love it, but I need people around me the now and then, otherwise I feel like I'm going insane
066. What I want to be when I'm big: Musical theatre artist.
067. Going out: is amazing. love it! love meeting new people!
068. Living together with someone of the same character as mine: It would be nice in some cases, because I know a lot about myself so I know what to do and what not to do, but I think it would ruin the both of us eventually, no matter how cool the person, if there weren't another person living with us (social workers?)
069. What I definitely do not drink: Snake blood
070. Name of future children: Fredrik and Zoya.
071. Relationship with parents: Not good,- I've never been the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm sorry for that, but I can't make it up to them anymore. It's really complicated
072. Driving around in cars: Love it! I love falling asleep in a car and waking up in a different country! Would adore living in the US and travel around a lot in a pick up truck or something.. Would be amazing!!
073. Best feeling in the world: Waking up in the morning, staring in your lover's face, feeling no fear whatsoever
074. Worst feeling in the world: The process of letting go, because the things that you WANT to let go, are hardest to let go of
075. Teddy bear: Egbert, he is a white little thingy and wears red. I've had him since the moment I was born
076. A word/sentence I often use: 'Fuck'/'We ran out of Nutella'/'Darling'/'No, I don't curl my hair' (not joking)
077. Only one question to God: Why do M&Ms smudge when I hold them in my hand for too long??!
078. Romance: I am a romantic,- hopelessly romantic
079. Aliens: I think they do exist, actually
080. Glasses: Yes, I have a couple of pairs.
081. Contact lenses: THANK GOD FOR THOSE!! Not coloured though!
082. Prejudice or waiting to see: Waiting to see
083. Why I'm doing this: I´m bored because I´m grounded.
084. People that hate me: they can say what they want about me, but i just keep singing my song!
086. Why we live: Success, reproduction, survival of the fittest
087. What I do as soon as I get home: pee.
088. What I would never forgive someone: I would forgive anyone for anything. Except for harming my dear ones in a life-changing way (a bad life-changing way); it would drive me insane. Literally
089. What's under my bed: I hope nothing illegal
090. The colour of the carpet in my room: I don't have carpet in my entire house, let alone my room....
091. One thing I can take with me to a deserted island: A little buzzer that would be able to transfer people from one place to the other
092. Who I'd like to be for a day: Idina Menzel, I think.. Just to see what it's like. Or Paolo Coelho; he inspires me immensely
093. Biggest dream: 'I am me' - those words being all I need
094. Biggest problem: I doubt myself
095. Bad characteristic: Very, very, very emotional
096. Addictions: Scratching nail polish off of my nails the second day of having it on my nails (very annoying!!), smoking, falling in love.
097. Love at first sight: I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but 'falling in love' after having had only a glimpse of another person is definitely possible. Remember that I believe that there is great difference to find between 'loving' and 'being in love'
098. Honesty or one white lie can't harm anyone?: Honest towards others, but not always to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself to feel safer or to delude myself from the real meaning from what other people do and/or say. These white lies are self-protection and self-protection only
101. Cheating in a relationship: It's like cheating at Monopoly,- you just don't do that.
102. If I believe in miracles: NO (:
103. Sports: Dancing! Football (soccer, for the Americans here), skiing (racing), volleybal, badminton, kickboxen, pilates. I hate yoga with every fiber of my being
104. Sports I'd never try: Netball
105. Operations: I'm going to have one on my nose, because it has been crooked and I can't breathe properly and it affects my singing. I was actually going to get an operation about a year ago, but due to certain circumstances, the doctors thought it was better to wait
106. Very dark secret: Yes. Which nobody knows. Nobody, except for me
107. Dreams can become reality: Of course they can. If it's the road you're taking, is your choice, however
108. Colour of my underwear right now: i don´t wear underwear
109. Favourite way of saying goodbye: A kiss on the cheek or on the mouth if I'm really good friends with the people. A lover would be a french kiss,- very gentle.
110. If I'd change my name, I'd change it into: Eveline, I think. I've got a friend back in Holland and her name is Eveline and I've always thought of it as one of the most beautiful names for girls. It just looks and sounds so elegant, as if it should always be written with a feather and coal black ink, on papyrus. Wah
111. Define yourself in one word and one word only: Fibrant
112. Ever been in love,- real love: It still hurts and will never stop hurting. It happened to me once and I'm more careful now
113. Favourite fruit: Mango
114. Favourite flower: Frangipani
115. Supersticion: I don't like black cats. I don't like cats anyway, but if they're black, I just feel like running away
116. Favourite ice cream: Mocca-flavoured
117. What the weather is like at the moment: sunny, 25 degrees. yumm.
118. The last person I spoke to on the phone: Enrique :)
119. The amount of keys I always have with me: 4
120. The person I miss at this very moment: Kunal.
121. Job: none at this moment.
122. Left- or right-handed: Right-handed. Everything that's on my left side is either uglier, shorter or less capable of doing things than the things that are on my right side
123. Sport to look at: Ice skating.
124. Favourite subject in school: Drama and French.
125. My last words will be: ´Do you think I ever was me?´ and I hope the reply will be:´I think you were everyone you could be.´
126. Were Adam and Eve naked?: Clothes had to be invented somehow, right? So I guess that Eve got bored with life and started sewing after grabbing the apple and pressing her teeth through the apple's thin skin
127. Someone I'd like to meet, but who would it be?: Someone who would, miraculously, understand me and want to be with me, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it would be just as friends, as long as he/she understands where I'm coming from, without having to say too much
128. Where I'd get a tattoo: Left wrist is next on the list!
129. Favourite gum: chocolate/mint flavoured.
130. Most gorgeous part of a woman: Depends on the woman. Everyone is unique
131. Most gorgeous part about me: Blue eyes, I guess
132. I'd kill this person: 'Ginny Weasley',- she just pisses me off throughout the series
133. North, East, South, West: South-West
134. Cat or dog: Neither, but I think I'd go for a dog in the end if I really HAD to choose
135. Simple and clear or complicated and blurry: I am simple and clear to others, but inside my head it's all complicated and blurry
136. Funny or serious: Healthy balance there, youngsters
137. Full or half-full milk: half full
138. Reading or writing: SHIT THAT'S HARD! Hardest till now... Erm, I just typed 'Reading', but I think I'm gonna go for writing anyway..
139. Coloured or black-and-white pictures: Depends on what kind of picture they are, but if it would be any picture at all, I'd choose black and white, with grain
140.Sunrise or sunset: Sunset - on the beach
141. Laughing or dreaming: both at the same time
142. Summer- or winter-holidays: Summer
143. Sweet or hard: Sweet
144. Introverted or extraverted: I'm extraverted. Very much so, indeed
145. Inside or outside: Always the outside first,- don't lie, women! I fall for the ugliest people though, so I guess that is proof I don't really pay attention to looks
146. Rebellion or a book of laws: Rebellion
147. Light or darkness: Darkness
148. Chatting or calling someone up: Chatting! I hate my voice on the phone.. It sounds as if there is a bag of kittens and someone is smashing a hammer on it
149. Sneezing or coughing: Coughing
150. Condom or barebacked: Erm. Like better bare, but always be safe, girls!
151. Guys with makeup on or without: Without. You're a guy for a reason
152. Older boyfriend: Very much wanted. Not younger!
153. Love of your life or friends: My love of my life would have to be one of my better friends, so I can't really answer that question
154. Kiss or Hug: Kiss
155. Brown, blonde or black hair: Brown, even though I like black a lot too!
156. Pencil or pen: Pen
157. Black or white: Black
158. Laughing or crying: Crying from laughing
159. Coca cola or Pepsi : Coke is coke, just get over yourself, guys
160. Thongs or boxers: For girls in general-> thongs. For me-> nothing. For guys-> BOXERS PLEASE!
161. Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
162. Pasta or pizza: Pasta
163. Hard or soft: Soft
164. Party or disco: disco
165. Driving yourself or having someone to drive for you: Driving myself seems the ultimate freedom right now!
166. Clingy tv show or a girly chickflick movie: Movie
167. Half-empty or half-full: Half-empty
168. Cremating or burying: Cremation for the win
169. Lego or duplo: Lego
170. Forgive and forget or forgive and not forget: Forgive and never ever forget
171. Strawberries or whip cream: a combination of both!!
172. Belief: I do not need other people to tell me how to believe in God, thank you very much
173. Twelve roses or a sorry note: It takes more than a note and some flowers (that DIE, may I add) for something to pass over. Besides the sorry note, give it some time
174. Cinema or sofa at home: sofaaaaa!!
175. Doing the laundry: How fun! ...nawt
176. Heaven or hell: I believe in a heaven, but I do not believe that hell really exists
177: Spoiling or being spoiled: Being spoiled, hehe
178: Beach or pool: Pool
179. Feet or neck: Neck
180. Jeans or other fabrics: Jeans (or lace when I'm wearing a skirt or a dress)
181. Tank-top or T-shirt: Tank-top
182. Favourite brand: Pierre Balmain
183. Swimming pool or sauna: Sauna
184. Bathing oil or bathing foam: If with someone else-> oil, so you can rub each other in. If alone-> foam, just to enjoy yourself
185. Shower or big bath tub: Big bath tub
186. Simple and complicated: Simple
187. Sex or alcohol: Sex
188. Sex or a movie: Movie and then sex?
189. To speak or to hush: To hush and listen carefully is the better thing to do, but I'm always talking (ALWAYS)
190. Happy or sad: Happy
191. Life or death: Life
192. If my house stood on fire, I'd firstly get out: My lover and me
193. In love right now: yes
194. Virgin: No
195. Longest relationship: Relationship that meant something to me? Half a year.
196. Shortest relationship: First one that ever counted, with Bram: a week. We got together like 6 times, but decided we are just better of just being best friends and nothing else, because it feels a bit awkward sometimes, and considering it feels like we're brother and sister now, that was a good decision to make. First relationship that meant a lot to me and wasn't with Bram was Tim Brown. Lasted for a month
197. Disco with friends and your lover or home with just your significant other and you: Disco
198. Favourite position: Depends on the person
199. Weirdest place you ever did 'it': Cinema
200. Place where you'd like to do 'it' some time: A park
201. Sex before marriage: Is ok, if it's for the right reasons
202. Take away or cooking dinner together: Cooking together! That's so cute!
203. Ever getting married?: I´m engaged! lol.
204. Fastfood or chique restaurant: On a date-> fastfood. Just for fun-> restaurant
205. Is it okay for a woman to have complexes and problems?: Of course. As long as she keeps/starts leading the life she wants and doesn't prevent others from doing the same thing
206. Beer or wine: Wine! WHITE!
207. First thought that came to mind when I got out of bed this morning: I haven't slept for 3 days straight now (this is non-fiction)..
208. Reincarnation: I do not believe in that
210. Pretend to believe in reincarnation-> what kind of an animal would you like to be when yo'd come back?: A cockroach. Apparently their survival instincts are the fittest!
211. Most original way of asking someone to marry you: If I would say that, it wouldn't be the most original way anymore, because I'd have mentioned it before you could have done it. I like the idea of a first date, even though it hardly ever happens and when it does.... It's not a good thing most of the time
212. Heating or hearth: Hearth!!!
213. What's on my mousepad: Kate Winslet. It's the latest Elle from the UK and I always use magazines as mousepads, so yeah.. She ended up as a mousepad
214. Ever kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. I kissed a girl and I liked it!
215. Ever been cheating: No, just no
216. How the hell I got this 'survey': It was on the website of a friend of mine
217. A lot of place in bed or hedgehog-like sleeping: I sleep in the foetus-position, but when with lover, in the arms, because it feels safe..
218. Dream house: An old cottage on the English county or a huge mansion. Not a palace though, I don't like palaces. I love the house the Humphrey's inhabit in the series of Gossip Girl; it's absolutely my thing!
219. What my last dream was about: There were black crows in it and an orange sun, but I don't remember if it was a sunrise or a sunset
220. Most important people in my life: Melissa and the people that I love indescribably much, like Kuanl, Bram.. There isn't one set of 'most important' people in my life, I think, actually.. It's the people that inspire you mostly, that are the 'most important', I reckon, but when it comes to actual influences on you, whether you choose to undergo them or not, are also from family and people that have hurt you in the past. Writers (artists!) like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho dare me to get everything out of life. They challenge me to be the best person I can possibly be
221. Love to do when I'm older: Have a really cute cottage somewhere or a huge house somewhere else
222. Walking on the beach or through the mountains: Beach
223. Proud of: Gotten invited by a publisher in Holland (Prometheus) about me writing a book (ah-ma-zing!) and 99% on a maths test!!!!
224. Regretting: Nothing. Absolutely nothing
225. Often in fights: Nope, hardly ever. Except with my parents.. That's a continuing battle
226. Sleeping with a stuffed animal: I do so
227. Daring: Very
228. Spontaneous: You can say that again!
229. Sweet: Definitely
230. Honest: I'm honest, just not always as honest to myself
231. Jealous: I'm very jealous. It's not even normal anymore
232. Funny: Apparently I am
233. Crying: Quite easily whenever I'm alone, but very rarely with someone around
234. Sex after marriage: Whenever you're ready for it
235. Happy with myself: No, but I don't hate myself anymore like when I did when I was 14. That was terrible.. I have accepted my flaws and even though it hurts to say them out loud or to write them down even, I know that they are there and what they are.
236: Most important in my life: Succes, in whatever it is I want to succeed in. The people I love. Myself, because without myself I wouldn't be here
237. Tidy room: right now, it´s actually pretty tidy! :o
238. Fidelity or infidelity: Fidelity!!
23.5.10
GOODBYES.
So, once again, I wake up in the morning with an intense feeling of GUILT in my git. How long has it been since I last posted something on my blog? I know.. Far too long.
You know, I'm really sorry. It's not as if many people read this blog, but even if there is just 1.. I love that person. I love you, if you're reading this right now. Thank you. In a way you're there for me when things get rough. Like things are right now.
My best friend is dying. He has a severe form of cancer. There might be a cure, but I don't think he's going to make it, to be really frank. I put up a brave face, so I pull him through and get him confident, and also.. I do it so maybe one day I start believing it myself. It started with his smaller intestine, then spread to the bigger one, his spleen, his pancreas, and his stomach. He's the best person I've ever met.. This is not fair!!!
He asked me to marry him. And to go out with him. So I said yes to both (we're supposed to get married in 4 years from now- when I'm done with my undergraduate course at Sarah Lawrence)(still can't believe I got in!). But being with him in a RELATIONSHIP made me so much closer, it's unbelievable. I had to know how he was and what he was up to every single minute of the day. I couldn't bare it. I was so worried all the time; his friend always told me when he was puking up blood and stuff like that, because I asked him to do that for me. It's so painful to see someone you love die, because you know there is nothing you can do about it. You can only try to make it less painful for them than it already is, so what do I do? I break up with him. I feel horrible about it. He thinks I am 'the One' for him and he wants to be with me until I leave India for good, but I just can't be with him. It's so hard.. I want to, but what can I do? I'm leaving on the 5th of June, and then what? He has to get used to me leaving, and even I have to get used to saying goodbye. In every way a person can say goodbye. I'm going to miss him an infinite amount. Not sure I can handle a life without him, but we'll see. Otherwise I'll just come back to India ;)
Anyways. I gotta go sleep now. I have my last 2 exams tomorrow (both French HL) and I need some rest.
I will give some more updates soon (and pictures!).
Love you.
You know, I'm really sorry. It's not as if many people read this blog, but even if there is just 1.. I love that person. I love you, if you're reading this right now. Thank you. In a way you're there for me when things get rough. Like things are right now.
My best friend is dying. He has a severe form of cancer. There might be a cure, but I don't think he's going to make it, to be really frank. I put up a brave face, so I pull him through and get him confident, and also.. I do it so maybe one day I start believing it myself. It started with his smaller intestine, then spread to the bigger one, his spleen, his pancreas, and his stomach. He's the best person I've ever met.. This is not fair!!!
He asked me to marry him. And to go out with him. So I said yes to both (we're supposed to get married in 4 years from now- when I'm done with my undergraduate course at Sarah Lawrence)(still can't believe I got in!). But being with him in a RELATIONSHIP made me so much closer, it's unbelievable. I had to know how he was and what he was up to every single minute of the day. I couldn't bare it. I was so worried all the time; his friend always told me when he was puking up blood and stuff like that, because I asked him to do that for me. It's so painful to see someone you love die, because you know there is nothing you can do about it. You can only try to make it less painful for them than it already is, so what do I do? I break up with him. I feel horrible about it. He thinks I am 'the One' for him and he wants to be with me until I leave India for good, but I just can't be with him. It's so hard.. I want to, but what can I do? I'm leaving on the 5th of June, and then what? He has to get used to me leaving, and even I have to get used to saying goodbye. In every way a person can say goodbye. I'm going to miss him an infinite amount. Not sure I can handle a life without him, but we'll see. Otherwise I'll just come back to India ;)
Anyways. I gotta go sleep now. I have my last 2 exams tomorrow (both French HL) and I need some rest.
I will give some more updates soon (and pictures!).
Love you.
30.3.10
SLC ADMISSION DECISION
I GOT IN!
I GOT INTO SARAH LAWRENCE COLLEGE!
BRB IMMA GO PARTY AND PASS OUT NOW.
I LOVE THE WORLD.
I GOT INTO SARAH LAWRENCE COLLEGE!
BRB IMMA GO PARTY AND PASS OUT NOW.
I LOVE THE WORLD.
19.2.10
11.1.10
ALONGTHEWAY
BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. AMAZING.
I LOVE HIM.
PS he's the reason I'm applying to Ithaca College. Must say hella lot.
I LOVE HIM.
PS he's the reason I'm applying to Ithaca College. Must say hella lot.
7.1.10
ISEEYOU
Yesterday night I had dinner with Rukmini at Soam in Chowpatty, after which I went to Phoenix Mills in Lower Parel to watch the movie Avatar with Bharti and Deoyani. The movie was unforgettable and I'm definitely going to buy it when it comes out on dvd!!!
This weekend I'm going to the cinema with my dad to watch the movie again :)
Here's the song from the end credits, it's incredible:
This weekend I'm going to the cinema with my dad to watch the movie again :)
Here's the song from the end credits, it's incredible:
OHTHEBOREDOM.
What is your current obsession? Sheesha and Bella's Lullaby.
What is your weirdest obsession?
What are you wearing today? Pink-and-grey ZARA top, dark blue jeans with wide pipes, silver flip flops.
Why is today special? Today is not so very special. Or well, maybe it's a little bit special, because Mike is coming over for dinner.
What would you like to learn to do? Sewing.
What’s the last thing you bought? Pistachio nuts and a falafel wrap. Yummm!!
What are you listening to right now? I'm sort of watching 'Me And My Dick' on YouTube.
What is your favorite weather? VERY cold, but with the sun shining and snow the now and then (big snow flocks, not that pathetic drizzle-snow) or 35 degrees (non-tropical climat though!) in full sunlight and a faint breeze.
What is on your bedside table? Lots of earrings, a little lamp (broken), a zebra mask, a notebook, a pen. That's about it, I think.
What is your most challenging goal right now? Managing my time well.
Who is your favorite designer? Balmain, Chanel and Chloe.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Admission to Sarah Lawrence.
What would you like to get rid of? My hair.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? New York City or Paris. Or maybe Lisbon or London. Ugh, there are too many places to choose from!!
Which language do you want to learn? Italian, sign language, Cantonese (Chinese) and Hindi (I'm teaching myself Hindi at the moment).
What did you dream of last night? I don't remember.
What's in your bag? A scarf, an ankle bracelet, a notebook, a couple of pens, my wallet, and some other stuff, surely.
What's your favorite color? Navy, I think.
What is your dream job? Musical theatre performer, fo sho!!
What are your plans for this summer? Portugal and Holland with my sweetest person in the world; Nick! :)
What is your favorite magazine? Nylon and Lula.
Who is your style-icon? Lou Doillon. Fo'shizz.
Describe your ideal man. There is no description possible here. 'I Am Thinking Of You.'
What is your weirdest obsession?
What are you wearing today? Pink-and-grey ZARA top, dark blue jeans with wide pipes, silver flip flops.
Why is today special? Today is not so very special. Or well, maybe it's a little bit special, because Mike is coming over for dinner.
What would you like to learn to do? Sewing.
What’s the last thing you bought? Pistachio nuts and a falafel wrap. Yummm!!
What are you listening to right now? I'm sort of watching 'Me And My Dick' on YouTube.
What is your favorite weather? VERY cold, but with the sun shining and snow the now and then (big snow flocks, not that pathetic drizzle-snow) or 35 degrees (non-tropical climat though!) in full sunlight and a faint breeze.
What is on your bedside table? Lots of earrings, a little lamp (broken), a zebra mask, a notebook, a pen. That's about it, I think.
What is your most challenging goal right now? Managing my time well.
Who is your favorite designer? Balmain, Chanel and Chloe.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Admission to Sarah Lawrence.
What would you like to get rid of? My hair.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? New York City or Paris. Or maybe Lisbon or London. Ugh, there are too many places to choose from!!
Which language do you want to learn? Italian, sign language, Cantonese (Chinese) and Hindi (I'm teaching myself Hindi at the moment).
What did you dream of last night? I don't remember.
What's in your bag? A scarf, an ankle bracelet, a notebook, a couple of pens, my wallet, and some other stuff, surely.
What's your favorite color? Navy, I think.
What is your dream job? Musical theatre performer, fo sho!!
What are your plans for this summer? Portugal and Holland with my sweetest person in the world; Nick! :)
What is your favorite magazine? Nylon and Lula.
Who is your style-icon? Lou Doillon. Fo'shizz.
Describe your ideal man. There is no description possible here. 'I Am Thinking Of You.'
5.1.10
MANYMEETINGS
I went out with Bharti and Deepak yesterday night. We met with a friend of Bharti's, called Tipu, and he brought along a friend of his, Paresh. We met at Mezbaan in Bandra to have some sheesha and went to play snooker afterwards. I went to Simply Goa for half an hour with Bharti and Deepak in the hopes of being able to sing a song (it was karaoke night!), but the list was full already, so we left.
Here are a couple of pictures of yesterday night :)
EXOH
Here are a couple of pictures of yesterday night :)
EXOH
4.1.10
TRENDBOUTIQUE
http://www.shopthetrendboutique.com/
What a delight!
I've been on this website for ages now, procrastinating from all the work I still have to do for school. Aiyahhh!!
Hope you enjoy, lovebirds! :)
EXOH
What a delight!
I've been on this website for ages now, procrastinating from all the work I still have to do for school. Aiyahhh!!
Hope you enjoy, lovebirds! :)
EXOH
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