"I know what conscience is, to begin with. It is not what you told me it was. It is the divinest thing in us. Don't sneer at it, Harry, any more - at least not before me. I want to be good. I can't bear the idea of my soul being hideous." Oscar Wilde (The Picture Of Dorian Gray)

13.11.10

MY JOURNEY iN THE SUN.

I see myself on a road. I keep going and going. And going. The road I was taking before, I found steady, safe.. Helpful. It was like sledding down a hill; the adrenaline rush one of the greatest I've ever had. I went faster and faster as time progressed and I seemed unaware that every slope has to stop at some point.
But it did. It stopped and I crashed and burned. I realised I was sledding, but it would be safer to walk, maybe. So I walked. And walked and walked. And walked. Then I started to walk a little faster, I started to run. I got out of breath and stopped running, stopped walking, stopped with everything altogether. I wasn't going anywhere anymore; I didn't move at all from my safety spot; it had never felt SO good to just... Stop. And not do anything.
One day I woke up and decided that my journey couldn't have 'just ended'. I realised that nobody's journey should 'just end', so that counts mine as well. I picked myself up and made it; the longest journey I'd ever made, and am still making. I made it to a place where I didn't have to move, wasn't allowed to move even, to continue my journey. Klarman.
It allowed me to make connections between myself, my eating disorders, my treatment, my RECOVERY, and the road I have been on for all of my life.
It's NOT just a road, it's also a change of seasons, a change of heart. It's winter now, the road is slippery. But one day, spring will come, and the ice under my feet will melt under the sun.
It might become slippery again as winter settles back in, but that sun, that warm, comforting sun, will always - ALWAYS - come back out.
Here comes the sun!

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