"Friends"

Okay, so the lice have disappeared from my hair and except for a couple of eggs that are still in my hair, I'm "clean" again (as if I was dirty in the first place, but let's just keep that aside, will we? Okay, thanks.). This all causing the fact that I was able to go to school again today. Can I have a big 'Yay!' for that, please?

What?

No?!

Nah, maybe you're right.

There wasn't much going on today, except for the regular feeling of being either completely invisible and ignored or being talked about. I can't really stand it any longer. About three weeks ago, something snapped inside of me. I realised that whenever people don't really need me (because of problems or just weak thoughts and low moods), they basically just ignore me. And no, I am not being dramatic now. 

I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people don't look each other in the eye whilst passing them in the corridor. I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people talk about everything to everyone (except things that matter, of course, because this is a material world.) and they embrace each other extra theatrically and laugh extra loudly because they know you're watching what is happening and you're able to hear what is being said. I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people talk dirty about you when you're basically fucking standing next to them, for fuck's sake!

I just can't stand it anymore.

The uncountable number of times I was there for these people, these hypocrites.. I can hardly believe it myself. And don't get me wrong, oh please, don't. I don't do things for other people because I expect something in return. It's not like I'm selling cookies to people and I expect me to pay back every cent.

But you would expect that people would at least have the decency to pretend to care (a bit) about you, don't you think? I mean, if it would only one person acting like that, I would maybe understand, but this is just ridiculous.

Why would I try showing people I'm happy and pleased when I'm not? Especially these people, the people who other people call my "friends". [edit: I once said I actually had no friends at all and the person I was talking to burst out in laughing because he felt I had a lot of friends. In return for the laughter, I explained him that those were merely 'acquaintances'. I only knew them and they didn't know me. Till this day, I still don't think he really got the point.]

Of course I try to keep smiling. I honestly do try, but it's not really working anymore. More and more often I feel like an out-stander of whom others only think as the girl they can run over. They see me as a doormat, someone they don't worry about, but who they still expect to be there for them whenever they need so.

What do I do?

How do I break free from this pattern?

Hm, well that last sentence isn't even really the matter, as people just started to ignore me now. In the beginning they only came up to me when they needed something, but they never asked me to come out with them or anything. Now, they don't talk to me at all. And why? Why?!

Oh and to top it all off nice and well, my English partner bailed out on me. We have to do a practice IOP,- it's a speech on the subject of Lorca's use of symbolism in his tragedy play 'the House of Bernarda Alba' and our speech is coming Thursday. I have done all the preparations and the only thing my partner Charlotte had to do, was appear today during our free period so we could practice [I wrote the speech in the form of a theatre piece, to make it more interesting/less boring/more original/better/whatever] and what does she do? She goes home!!!!!!

What the fucking fuck.

I'm doing it alone. One thing people need to see, is that I'm not a doormat and that it's over now.

I'm doing this thing alone,- like I've done everything in my life alone. I should never have had to expect differently, but I did and I guess that that was my bad. I'll try not to do it in the future.

But I didn't deserve this. I've hardly ever been so sure about something in my life.