All them decisions..

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the way things are and why they are like that.
I find myself thinking of what has been,
I find myself thinking of what is, and
I find myself thinking of what could have been.

Did I make the right decisions?!
Normally, you find out if you've made the right decision right after making that decision, but what about those occasions where you don't find out immediately?
Of course I've made some good decisions, but I can't help looking beyond those and seeing close to nothing but an ash-grey landscape. 
Most of the decisions I've made, have made me into a miserable person, who always had to keep a smiling mask on her face,- even when she was alone, so she could maybe start believing the lies herself. They made me into a person who gained more and more trouble with having trust in humanity and the people around her. They made me into a bitter, lonely person, whether I was really alone or not.
So yes, you could say that most of my decisions were bad ones, but I guess that eventhat is all 'just relative'. I say this, because every experience, whether good or bad (however mostly the bad ones), shapes us into the persons we eventually become. So you could say it are all good decisions indirectly, but what about the direct effect our decisions have?
What about feeling unhappy before finally being able to (maybe) feeling happy? Is the unhappiness of no value whatsoever in comparison to the happiness? Or is it a taboo we are just not allowed to speak of?
It just keeps me wondering...

It keeps me wondering about what would have happened, if I wouldn't have run away, but stopped walking and turned around...
And I wonder what would have happened, if you wouldn't have ignored me, but called me up and talked to me. Or just called me.
What would have happened if I wouldn't have faked that smile, but cried right there and then?
And where would we be now, if you wouldn't have betrayed me, but had been my friend through all the sunbeams and rainstorms?
Where?


Why do we even do the things we do?
Is it the pattern we're stuck in?
Or is it the friends around us who influence our thoughts and actions?
Maybe it's the human instinct we all possess: the feeling of constantly needing to prove ourselves as individuals, no matter at what price.
Maybe it's the human arrogance,- ourstupidity.
It certainly has to do with emotion, that's one of the few things I know for 'sure'. We do things out of love, anger, sadness, loneliness, unhappiness, happiness.... And that's the way one emotion is followed by another.
Can we control this? Should we want to control it?!


I'm careful when it comes to deciding things.
We all have the power to change our lives in our own hands, but what we'll never know, is if we're changing it for the better or for the worse.

• If it's for the better, the probability that you might have gotten used to it by now is big. Very big indeed,- you might not even notice your luck anymore.


• If it's for the worse, you're situation is getting worse and worse with every decision you make. How do you break free from your habits? How does someone heal from an addiction to self-destruction through merely making the wrong decisions?!

I don't know.
I only know that the reason I'm still here, consists of two things ;

• Breathing; and


• Remembering myself (and others) that if you keep your eye on the horizon, you will find your right way. No matter how many 'wrong' direct decisions you make, you're making the 'right' indirect ones as well.
  And if not now ..you'll make sufficient 'right' decisions later, to compensate.

But even though I'm thinking and saying this, I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night,- wondering about this stuff.
I still wake up and think of how things were, how they are and how they could have been..

I still wake up and think of how you are and yes, sometimes I wake up and cry..

Even I wish that I could turn back time sometimes.