"Friends"

Okay, so the lice have disappeared from my hair and except for a couple of eggs that are still in my hair, I'm "clean" again (as if I was dirty in the first place, but let's just keep that aside, will we? Okay, thanks.). This all causing the fact that I was able to go to school again today. Can I have a big 'Yay!' for that, please?

What?

No?!

Nah, maybe you're right.

There wasn't much going on today, except for the regular feeling of being either completely invisible and ignored or being talked about. I can't really stand it any longer. About three weeks ago, something snapped inside of me. I realised that whenever people don't really need me (because of problems or just weak thoughts and low moods), they basically just ignore me. And no, I am not being dramatic now. 

I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people don't look each other in the eye whilst passing them in the corridor. I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people talk about everything to everyone (except things that matter, of course, because this is a material world.) and they embrace each other extra theatrically and laugh extra loudly because they know you're watching what is happening and you're able to hear what is being said. I'm talking about the kind of ignoring where people talk dirty about you when you're basically fucking standing next to them, for fuck's sake!

I just can't stand it anymore.

The uncountable number of times I was there for these people, these hypocrites.. I can hardly believe it myself. And don't get me wrong, oh please, don't. I don't do things for other people because I expect something in return. It's not like I'm selling cookies to people and I expect me to pay back every cent.

But you would expect that people would at least have the decency to pretend to care (a bit) about you, don't you think? I mean, if it would only one person acting like that, I would maybe understand, but this is just ridiculous.

Why would I try showing people I'm happy and pleased when I'm not? Especially these people, the people who other people call my "friends". [edit: I once said I actually had no friends at all and the person I was talking to burst out in laughing because he felt I had a lot of friends. In return for the laughter, I explained him that those were merely 'acquaintances'. I only knew them and they didn't know me. Till this day, I still don't think he really got the point.]

Of course I try to keep smiling. I honestly do try, but it's not really working anymore. More and more often I feel like an out-stander of whom others only think as the girl they can run over. They see me as a doormat, someone they don't worry about, but who they still expect to be there for them whenever they need so.

What do I do?

How do I break free from this pattern?

Hm, well that last sentence isn't even really the matter, as people just started to ignore me now. In the beginning they only came up to me when they needed something, but they never asked me to come out with them or anything. Now, they don't talk to me at all. And why? Why?!

Oh and to top it all off nice and well, my English partner bailed out on me. We have to do a practice IOP,- it's a speech on the subject of Lorca's use of symbolism in his tragedy play 'the House of Bernarda Alba' and our speech is coming Thursday. I have done all the preparations and the only thing my partner Charlotte had to do, was appear today during our free period so we could practice [I wrote the speech in the form of a theatre piece, to make it more interesting/less boring/more original/better/whatever] and what does she do? She goes home!!!!!!

What the fucking fuck.

I'm doing it alone. One thing people need to see, is that I'm not a doormat and that it's over now.

I'm doing this thing alone,- like I've done everything in my life alone. I should never have had to expect differently, but I did and I guess that that was my bad. I'll try not to do it in the future.

But I didn't deserve this. I've hardly ever been so sure about something in my life.

All them decisions..

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the way things are and why they are like that.
I find myself thinking of what has been,
I find myself thinking of what is, and
I find myself thinking of what could have been.

Did I make the right decisions?!
Normally, you find out if you've made the right decision right after making that decision, but what about those occasions where you don't find out immediately?
Of course I've made some good decisions, but I can't help looking beyond those and seeing close to nothing but an ash-grey landscape. 
Most of the decisions I've made, have made me into a miserable person, who always had to keep a smiling mask on her face,- even when she was alone, so she could maybe start believing the lies herself. They made me into a person who gained more and more trouble with having trust in humanity and the people around her. They made me into a bitter, lonely person, whether I was really alone or not.
So yes, you could say that most of my decisions were bad ones, but I guess that eventhat is all 'just relative'. I say this, because every experience, whether good or bad (however mostly the bad ones), shapes us into the persons we eventually become. So you could say it are all good decisions indirectly, but what about the direct effect our decisions have?
What about feeling unhappy before finally being able to (maybe) feeling happy? Is the unhappiness of no value whatsoever in comparison to the happiness? Or is it a taboo we are just not allowed to speak of?
It just keeps me wondering...

It keeps me wondering about what would have happened, if I wouldn't have run away, but stopped walking and turned around...
And I wonder what would have happened, if you wouldn't have ignored me, but called me up and talked to me. Or just called me.
What would have happened if I wouldn't have faked that smile, but cried right there and then?
And where would we be now, if you wouldn't have betrayed me, but had been my friend through all the sunbeams and rainstorms?
Where?


Why do we even do the things we do?
Is it the pattern we're stuck in?
Or is it the friends around us who influence our thoughts and actions?
Maybe it's the human instinct we all possess: the feeling of constantly needing to prove ourselves as individuals, no matter at what price.
Maybe it's the human arrogance,- ourstupidity.
It certainly has to do with emotion, that's one of the few things I know for 'sure'. We do things out of love, anger, sadness, loneliness, unhappiness, happiness.... And that's the way one emotion is followed by another.
Can we control this? Should we want to control it?!


I'm careful when it comes to deciding things.
We all have the power to change our lives in our own hands, but what we'll never know, is if we're changing it for the better or for the worse.

• If it's for the better, the probability that you might have gotten used to it by now is big. Very big indeed,- you might not even notice your luck anymore.


• If it's for the worse, you're situation is getting worse and worse with every decision you make. How do you break free from your habits? How does someone heal from an addiction to self-destruction through merely making the wrong decisions?!

I don't know.
I only know that the reason I'm still here, consists of two things ;

• Breathing; and


• Remembering myself (and others) that if you keep your eye on the horizon, you will find your right way. No matter how many 'wrong' direct decisions you make, you're making the 'right' indirect ones as well.
  And if not now ..you'll make sufficient 'right' decisions later, to compensate.

But even though I'm thinking and saying this, I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night,- wondering about this stuff.
I still wake up and think of how things were, how they are and how they could have been..

I still wake up and think of how you are and yes, sometimes I wake up and cry..

Even I wish that I could turn back time sometimes.

World disaster # 827492016

So today I found out one of the most terrifying, disgusting things in my entire life.

I have lice.

WHY.

WHY do I have to have lice??!

What did I do that I deserve to have lice?

Don't they understand that I can't afford lice?

I have a status in school (no, seriously, I do). I'm supposed to look good and well taken care of. I'm supposed to smell good and to have a nice hair-do and I always have to have nice clothes on.

I can't afford to be seen with lice, I simply can't.

If someone finds out, everyone will know (and this is not me being dramatic,- this is reality. For every person that knows, there are two others who get the information whispered in their ears. Each of those two tell another two and so on and so on till total social destruction is not merely an option anymore). It's not that I really care what people think or say about me. I mean, of course I care till some certain extent, but that's nothing but logical. What I do care about is the fact that people don't remember that lice don't only jump on dirty people. On the contrary, they jump on the cleanest people with the sweetest blood.

Actually, they jump on anything, but okay.

And okay, if, for some strange unexplainable reason, I must get terrorised by lice, then why now? My grandparents from Portugal are staying with us and they are staying in my room, because it's the nicest one, with the biggest closet and the nicest mirror in it.

I have to share a bed with my sister and I don't want to pass the lice on to her! What am I to do? Sleep on the floor? I won't get any sleep and that will only make my mood and my health conditions worse (I've been sick for almost a week now and I cannot say that I feel much better).

Oh my god, I seem like some god-forgotten spoilt little bitch right now. I know, I know. I'm sorry. But I'm just really shocked.

I was washing my hair just now and I started hyperventilating by the look of the little insects that came off of my head. I turned my head upside down and started scratching so much that the lice got stuck under my nails and when I saw that, I started sobbing even worse.

The feeling that there are coming insects out of your head, is indescribable. I already felt noxious and I had terrible stomach cramps and a mind-blowing head ache, but this blew everything away. I felt like I was going to choke and I didn't dare do it with my own hands anymore. I got a comb, turned my head upside down over the bathtub again and I started brushing like a maniac.

When I opened my eyes and I wiped the tears out of my eyes, I saw little, black, crawling thingies in the bathtub. Lice. Isn't that just nice?

And you know what's just peachy?!

I have a LOT of hair. And with a LOT, I mean A LOTTT of hair.

So I might have to cut hell a lot off so all the lice and all the lice-eggs can get combed out with one of those minusculair combs.

My hair is actually one of those few things I sometimes truly like about my appearance. It's fluffy and big and it took a lot of time and love to get it the way it is right now. I don't want some stupid lice to ruin that!!! :(

You know what I think? I think this is all a fucking joke.

Somebody emptied a jar of bugs above my head this night while I was sleeping and now I seem to have lice, but tomorrow it will be all over.

Sure it will.

Introduction

Okay, so let me introduce myself.

I am Camilla and I'm 18 years old at the moment. My life has been one gigantic failure till this far. Even the good things in my life have bent into wrong directions, which have made me into a miserable, lonely and resentful person. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy most of the time, but that's only because I act happy. The best way to feel 'happy' again, is to pretend to be happy,- just as long till you start believing it yourself.

The best way to describe my personality, is to say: screaming on the inside, whispering on the outside.

Paradoxically enough, I'm a (pretty) loud and (omni-)present person. I'm nice to everybody around me and I don't care about 'groups' people are in. I don't lable, but once someone has lost my good opinion, it's hard to regain it. I easily forgive, but I don't forget. And that's how I learn;

I observe people in different kinds of situations they're in and get to know their 'real' person by doing that and even though I have a quite dark view on people in general, I have a remarkable positive view on the possibilities that those people have.

If only they saw them themselves.

I'm the kind of person that's standing up, face towards the sun, with arms wide open. I get knocked down by life, stand up again and then get knocked down again. I keep getting up and I keep inviting the punches that bring me down, but that's the way life has got to be lived, unfortunately.

This is why I don't believe in happiness. I believe in feeling insignificant and stressed,- in feeling sad and lonely. I believe in loss and hurt. But most of all, I believe that it's about those little moments in between.. The moments that make you feel significant and successful; happy and loved. 

I believe in those little moments that enrich you and heal you.

I believe in those moments that make you feel alive.

Call me whatever you want.

But I'll always be me.