WASHING

I wish it worked.

BALALAIKA

After an exhausting day of rehearsing for the show on the 6th of August [!!] I looked like a druggie and found myself in want of a strong drink. I called Mingky, because I knew she would be out and asked her where she was. The conversation went something like this:

'Hey Mingks, where are you?'
'Oh heyyy gal!!! I'm at bala's!! Are ya comin'?!'
'Stay. Don't move. I'm coming for 1 drink, 1 drink only.'

And there I went.
Here are some of the pictures that were taken. Susan and her gay brother Joey were there as well and it was really nice meeting him; he's super nice (and super gay). He studies in Australia and he immediately told me about Oxford Street (THE gay street, which, 'of course also has lesbian nights'). I love this guy, haha. Anyways. Some photos. If you look closely, you can see I lost some weight! Yay to the yay-ay!!

WHYCANTIBREATHE

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

SENDINTHECLOWNS

You know that quote that says forget the people who are in the past because there
is a reason they didn't make it to your future?
Yeah, well.. What happens in the future, when those people come back?

I just thought of this after having had my first acting class in a long long time yesterday night. We read a piece from the musical 'A Little Night Music', from Stephen Joshua Sondheim. Fredrik, married to a young virgin bride who can't stand the thought of having intercourse, came back for the weekend to relive his romance with Desiree, an actress/courtesan. At the end of the chapter, there was a song, a quite famous one; 'Send In The Clowns.' Heart breaking, fragile. Absolutely what I feel like right now.
Of course the good times with Harrison had to come to an end and not only in the way that I had to go to Holland to see Roel and had to go to the graduation (which was fun to be at, by the way. Emotional, but fun). But also in other ways.. I'm not going to talk about that in this post; possibly in the next post, though. I have to leave for dance class in an hour and I still have to shower and polish one of my hands. Retard that I am.
Anyways.
Like Sondheim wrote:

Fredrik: Desiree, I'm sorry. I should never have come. To flirt with rescue when one has no intention of being saved...Do try to forgive me.

So what happens?
When two people find out that they belong, but somehow one of the two (or possibly both) is already engaged in such way that it is impossible for that person to become close with the person from the past again, even though he or she finds out that he/she has loved and will always love the other person, what do they do?!
Do they ignore it?
I can't do that. I already told Harrison that. He knows.
I lie to myself all the time. I like ignorance; ignorance is bliss, when it comes to a dreamworld, in which I'd much rather live than in the real world.
But this is the first time I'm not able to lie to myself. It's the first time it's real. It scares me. It scares the shit out of me. But it's real and that means that it's worth fighting for. Right? That means it's worth fighting for, because how many times do you find something that is real in this world,- the real world?

YODADDY

Sorrrrrryy for the lack of posts recently!!
I'm on a holiday in Holland, but when I'm back in Hong Kong, you'll have your recent updates again, I promise! (Not that you're missing out on a lot.. EXCEPT THAT I GOT ACCEPTED INTO 2 BIG DANCING PROJECTS, which I cannot participate in, [NEWSFLASH!] because of the fact that I'm moving to India on the 1st of September [NEWSFLASH!])

Anyways.
I got an e-mail from my singing teacher from 3AMI and she told me to sing this song at the summer show: Your Daddy's Song, from the musical Ragtime.
It is tragic. I cried so much when I first heard it.. Truly beautiful..

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
I'll add a vid of me singing it as soon as I have one! :)
Love always,
Camilla

FORHARRISON

In Holland right now.
Missing shitloads out of you.
I can't believe that we only needed those days to become that much closer.
I guess they only showed us that everything that we already had before we met, was real to begin with, and that made it more real.
The days without you are tedious and pass slowly. I can't believe you mean this much to me.
All I can say, is that if I mean as much to you as you said I do.. I'm not putting up a white flag above my door and I'm going down with this ship.
I don't know why, but I've always felt as if I were living my life in fragments; little pieces, tied together, sometimes with pieces in between missing.
The fragments are mostly songs, that's why I told you that the people I care about are mostly associated with a song, even if I don't tell them. If I care enough about someone, I sing them the song. I wanted to sing you a song, because I cared enough about you and it didn't seem 'right' not to have a song for you, but the song I sung wasn't the right song either. Now, there seem to be too many songs. There are too many things I associate with you, with us.
This is the one that's been stuk in my head since I've arrived in Holland: White Flag from Dido. You should read your personal message on facebook first, however. And maybe make sure that Lanna didn't read that. I tried to make it the least sentimental as I could, so I wrote it on a piece of paper before I started typing. But that didn't help in the end. Normally it does, but with you.... Everything has been different from the start. You're too perfect. We are too perfect.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
or I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I cause nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

And I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

It's not all that great. I like the song, but like I said in the message I sent you (do you prefer e-mails or messages by the way??!): I don't think I'm in love with you. It's just a lot of love. I love you a lot and it grows profounder and profounder. Logically enough, there's a point where you fall in love, but where it is exactly, I don't know. I don't know if it's already happened or it has yet to happen. I only know that my heart is yours, because you are good for me.

For the first time in my life, I have something to live for. Someone to live for.
Someone who makes me happy, who is literally my best friend and the best lover I could possibly hope for.