Today I had English and I got my grade from Wednesday's Failure (remember the capital letter? I do.) back.
Am I embarrassed? Yes.
Do I want to share this with you? No.
I just thought it would be fair enough, considering the fact that I share everything on here.
I got a level 4. 7 being the highest, 1 the lowest (or 0 if you don't show up) and 4 the average at the end of the IB course.
For my mock presentation, I did the same thing and I got a low level 7 (ah-mazing!!) and I was predicted full marks for this presentation. Instead, I got a level 4.
Level 4.
I can't believe it.
I could hardly look at my teacher,- I'm so ashamed of myself.
I look like death warmed up at the moment, because I've slept 4 hours in total over the past 6 days, but to keep that aside: whenever my English teacher threw a glance in my direction, he looked as if he was in agony.
I've got a sting in my chest and I think that there are only two things that can take this off my mind right now:
1. Tim Brown; if only we'd still talk....
2. Lord of the Rings; thank God I do have those so I can at least do a marathon.
This made me realise how I forgot the sound of Tim's voice.
And now it's not only my chest that's stinging.. Behind my eyes, the salty tears are threatening my eyes and slowly, my sense of sight is starting to blur.
I'd better close them for a bit.
4.2.09
Along on the Failboat. With a big, fat F.
So last night was the 4th night I've gone through without sleep. At 6:30 I decided to go to bed for a really short while and I fell asleep after 5min (approx.). Then I woke up at 9:10.
Woops..
Got late to school, so did my sister.
Started freaking out about my IOP (Individual Oral Presentation) and by the time it was lunch time, it had me crying in the IB Center.
Then I did my IOP and oh-my-god.. It was even worse than I expected. I didn't start crying though, which was good. But as soon as I sat down on my chair and the people that were listening could start thinking of a question to ask me, I started crying. It was so hard not to just sob away, but Katie was a dear to me and she wrote on a note: "Don't worry. It's only 15 minutes. It's only IOP. It doesn't matter." She put it back down, drew something on it and held the piece of paper up again. It was a heart.
Finally doing/having done the IOP made me realise something. It made me realise how much I need a fantastic enough grade, especially for the subject English, to get into Sarah Lawrence. They don't look at SAT Scores, no matter what you've scored; instead, they look at your essays and if those are incredibly good (and with incredibly, I mean incredibly), they consider going through your resume. My resume is going to be quite one, I'm afraid; I've done so many things that I can list up there. Especially the language-thing might be appealing to them, not to mention the publisher back in Holland (considering the fact that they are so keen on writing and, therefore, writers). I'm so nervous already.. It's insane. It doesn't really help that that uni is so tiny (only 1200 students!!!), because it only makes the selection process tighter.
Well ok. Anyway. It's not like I didn't know the standards were high or anything. But still.
I knew I was going to fail it. I knew it.
I already started crying at lunch time, whereas my presentation was at the end of the last period.
I'm so embarrassed.
There goes the education.
Woops..
Got late to school, so did my sister.
Started freaking out about my IOP (Individual Oral Presentation) and by the time it was lunch time, it had me crying in the IB Center.
Then I did my IOP and oh-my-god.. It was even worse than I expected. I didn't start crying though, which was good. But as soon as I sat down on my chair and the people that were listening could start thinking of a question to ask me, I started crying. It was so hard not to just sob away, but Katie was a dear to me and she wrote on a note: "Don't worry. It's only 15 minutes. It's only IOP. It doesn't matter." She put it back down, drew something on it and held the piece of paper up again. It was a heart.
Finally doing/having done the IOP made me realise something. It made me realise how much I need a fantastic enough grade, especially for the subject English, to get into Sarah Lawrence. They don't look at SAT Scores, no matter what you've scored; instead, they look at your essays and if those are incredibly good (and with incredibly, I mean incredibly), they consider going through your resume. My resume is going to be quite one, I'm afraid; I've done so many things that I can list up there. Especially the language-thing might be appealing to them, not to mention the publisher back in Holland (considering the fact that they are so keen on writing and, therefore, writers). I'm so nervous already.. It's insane. It doesn't really help that that uni is so tiny (only 1200 students!!!), because it only makes the selection process tighter.
Well ok. Anyway. It's not like I didn't know the standards were high or anything. But still.
I knew I was going to fail it. I knew it.
I already started crying at lunch time, whereas my presentation was at the end of the last period.
I'm so embarrassed.
There goes the education.
3.2.09
The G-Force has done it again!
Spoke to Greg again today (after a week and a half); he told me that he broke up with Claudia (he was in this love-triangle thing with her and Jaron)(I didn't quite get that, but then again.. I don't think he did either). I asked him why and then soon changed my mind; I did not want to know about anything anymore. His life is his and no matter how he lives it,- I can't do anything about it. It's not like I'll ever be a real part of it anyway. I'll never figure this guy out.
I said: '..or do you just not want to talk about it? That's fine too,' to which he answered: 'Well, just been down for a bit and things did not go that well, but now things go well again and I'm back with Christine.'
Christine is the ex-girlfriend, who is now no longer to be considered 'the ex', but 'the girl'.
Yes, this was the one he still wasn't over when I met him. In fact: the night we met, they had broken up. This was the one that would take him a while to forget, to get over it.
And now they're back together; just like that.
I don't think anyone knows what this does to me right now. I hardly know myself. It's so hard to explain, because I haven't had any sleep for the past 3 days (this is the 4th night in a row I can't sleep) and that is quite getting to me now (it is about 3:35am right now). I'm so tired and I'm hallucinating things (this is what happens with everyone, if you don't sleep regularly/well).. It is freaky, very freaky.
But I can at least try to say something about all this..
It's just that Tim moved on so quickly, so easily. And this made me realise how easily Greg disappeared as well. Why? Why can't I hold onto people?
It just makes me wonder what's wrong with me, when people leave like this, that's all.
I said: '..or do you just not want to talk about it? That's fine too,' to which he answered: 'Well, just been down for a bit and things did not go that well, but now things go well again and I'm back with Christine.'
Christine is the ex-girlfriend, who is now no longer to be considered 'the ex', but 'the girl'.
Yes, this was the one he still wasn't over when I met him. In fact: the night we met, they had broken up. This was the one that would take him a while to forget, to get over it.
And now they're back together; just like that.
I don't think anyone knows what this does to me right now. I hardly know myself. It's so hard to explain, because I haven't had any sleep for the past 3 days (this is the 4th night in a row I can't sleep) and that is quite getting to me now (it is about 3:35am right now). I'm so tired and I'm hallucinating things (this is what happens with everyone, if you don't sleep regularly/well).. It is freaky, very freaky.
But I can at least try to say something about all this..
It's just that Tim moved on so quickly, so easily. And this made me realise how easily Greg disappeared as well. Why? Why can't I hold onto people?
It just makes me wonder what's wrong with me, when people leave like this, that's all.
Edit: May I please add that Greg and I were not together, in any way whatsoever. Just so there won't be any misunderstandings and stuff..
"I fake a smile so he won't see."
2.2.09
238 seemed a nice number at the time..
000. Name: Camila Maria de Matos Ferreira van Wuyckhuyse
001. Gender: Girl
002. Nickname: Mila, Milly, Camel, Cam, Camster, Camie.. you tell me!
003. Cutest loverbird-name: pancake, pineapple
004. E-mail address: milly_damil@hotmail.com
005. Date of birth: august 27 1990
006. Astro sign: Virgo
007. Place of birth: Soestdijk (Utrecht, Holland)
008. Residence: Hong Kong
009. Phone number: I don't have a mobile phone (the sad thing is that I'm not even kidding)
010. Siblings: Melissa (13)
011. School: South Island School (Aberdeen, Hong Kong)
012. Country/City/Sub-urbs: City, but close to the country, so I can get out of the hectic-ness whenever I want to, for a weekend or so
013. Weight: 60kg, ew.
014. Height: 1m67
015. Shoe size: EU size 37/38/39
016. Eye colour: blue
017. Hair colour: dark, dark blonde (normal people would call it brown)
018. Pets: Melissa (13)
019. Favourite colour: I don't have a favourite colour; it totally depends on my mood
020. Favourite dinner: Portuguese food
021. What I definitely don't eat: Rat brains,- I respect those little animals
022. Favourite drink: Bubble tea (from Hong Kong!), Strawberry Margharita
023. Studies: Still in High School and I'm already 18 :(
024. Marriage or living together: First move in and then get married
025. Favourite music: Old skool jazz, old skool rock, musical songs
026. Cell phone: I told you,- don't have one! Hahahaha
027. Sun or snow: Snow on the landscape and mountains so I can ski, with the sun in my face! Definitely!
028. Dream car: A PINK MUSTANG!!!!
029. Best radio: I don't listen to the radio anymore
030. Best magazine: Nylon!, Australian Vogue, French Vogue
031. Best toothpaste: Toothpaste that works
032. How late I usually go to bed: 1am
033. Favourite pajama-fabrics: Out in the nude
034. How many children I want later on: None, please (don't frown; I've thought about this more than the average person of my age and I can't stand the idea of having children of my own, with my genes in them. I might adopt a child when I'm 30 or something, but I would never ever want to give birth to a child)
035. What kind of shoes I like to wear: Pumps
036. Best place to sleep: My lover's bed,- I feel safe there, no matter what the weather or time of day is. Too bad I've only got my own bed at the moment..
037. Favourite song of the moment: Mr. Curiosity, by Jason Mraz
038. Relationship: Not quite there yet
039. Crush of the moment: I miss someone, but I do not have a crush right now
040. Do I get emotional sometimes: I'm the most over-emotional person you will ever meet. I joke not..
041. Do I cry when I watch a movie: If the movie is good and I can relate to it, then yes
042. Favourite author: I don't have one, but I like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho a whole lot. Their books make my lives what they are and inspire me in all ways that are possible
043. Typing blindly: Yes, except when I'm eating noodles or something
044. Happiness through money: I don't believe that money equals happiness, but I do believe that money makes some things a bunch easier.. I just happen to be brought up in a lucky way, when it comes to financial matters
045. Nicest people I know: Roel, Bram. Melissa.
046. How many toothbrushes I have: 2. I don't know why, but I've got 2
047. Behind their backs or in their faces: In their faces. I'm just like that. But when it's about me, I'd rather have it behind my back,- I'm not ready for some truths about myself
048. Most romantic moment in my life: Imagine living in the 21st century and getting a letter on the day you get back from a journey to the other side of the world, from someone who you love, who lives on another continent. The letter you receive, is 5 pages long and on every page, there is at least 3 times mentioned that the person who wrote the letter, loves you, misses you and wants to be with you. The rest of the contents of the letter are about how beautiful you are and the person that wrote the letter, opens up to you. It seems years ago, but this happened to me in november 'O8. I still cry when I read that letter.
049. Piercings: One in each earlobe (:
050. Tattoos: None yet, but I'd love three mini stars in a triangle on my left wrist, with (MAYBE!!) a little heart in the middle (no colours though, just dark)
051. Special talents: I'm a jedi. I speak 7 languages (almost all completely fluently), understand 8 and am learning 2 more at the moment
052. Fast or slow: Depends what it's about
053. Sexuality: Bisexual
054. Smoking: ...stinks
055. Drugs: Erm that just teared me up
056. Alcohol: Yes! I'm not a binge drinker; I don't like drunks
057. What I'm afraid of: Love, not succeeding in whatever it is I want to succeed in, Greg, not having enough time..
058. Favourite city: I don't have just one,- Hong Kong, Lisbon, London, Paris, Maastricht, Amsterdam, so many more
059. Favourite tv series: The L Word, Ally McBeal
060. Favourite holiday destination: NYC is on the list! On top!! But from all the places I've been.... I think skiing in Verbier (Switzerland) and charity work in Tanzania have had a greatest impact on me. And Portugal is just where I feel home
061. Favourite place to go out: Taj
062. Big/Small people: I feel so safe when someone puts their arms around me and they're a bit taller than I am, so I can rest my head on the curve of their neck.. It's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had
063. Nice person I met this year: Ian Mednick, my ski-instructor/supervisor in Verbier
064. What I do whenever I'm down: Writing, as if you hadn't noticed yet.... And binge eating. Then puking. Hardly do it anymore, but whenever I am really, really down, I do it.
065. Being alone: Love it, but I need people around me the now and then, otherwise I feel like I'm going insane
066. What I want to be when I'm big: full-time worker as a writer, co-writer, translator/interpreter in court or for the UN; that sort of stuff. Now, these aren't actually my number ones,- my number one is to be appearing in musicals, but my parents don't want me to
067. Going out: More often than I used to. The people I know now are a lot more fun than the ones I used to know last year, so I guess that helps
068. Living together with someone of the same character as mine: It would be nice in some cases, because I know a lot about myself so I know what to do and what not to do, but I think it would ruin the both of us eventually, no matter how cool the person, if there weren't another person living with us (social workers?)
069. What I definitely do not drink: Snake blood
070. Name of future children: I don't want any children. But if I make a mistake, I will call my daughter Jane, my son Will. Second daughter: Elizabeth. Second son: Tristan
071. Relationship with parents: Not good,- I've never been the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm sorry for that, but I can't make it up to them anymore. It's really complicated
072. Driving around in cars: Love it! I love falling asleep in a car and waking up in a different country! Would adore living in the US and travel around a lot in a pick up truck or something.. Would be amazing!!
073. Best feeling in the world: Waking up in the morning, staring in your lover's face, feeling no fear whatsoever
074. Worst feeling in the world: The process of letting go, because the things that you WANT to let go, are hardest to let go of
075. Teddy bear: Egbert, he is a white little thingy and wears red. I've had him since the moment I was born
076. A word/sentence I often use: 'Fuck'/'We ran out of Nutella'/'Darling'/'No, I don't curl my hair' (not joking)
077. Only one question to God: Why do M&Ms smudge when I hold them in my hand for too long??!
078. Romance: I am a romantic,- hopelessly romantic
079. Aliens: I think they do exist, actually
080. Glasses: Yes, I have a couple of pairs. I'll post some pictures shortly!
081. Contact lenses: THANK GOD FOR THOSE!!
082. Prejudice or waiting to see: Waiting to see
083. Why I'm doing this: I'm in my third free period today that I have to attend. There isn't even a freaking teacher; what would you have done?!
084. People that hate me: I'm sure they exist, but to be honest.. The reasons why they do are really stupid and invalid. If they want to misunderstand things they've heard and base their judgments on those irrelevant things and don't listen to me when I try to explain that things are otherwise, I don't care. I don't waste my time on this kind of people anymore ("They can say what they want about me; I'll just keep on singing my song" Christina Aguilera)
086. Why we live: Success, reproduction, survival of the fittest
087. What I do as soon as I get home: Checking blogspot out
088. What I would never forgive someone: I would forgive anyone for anything. Except for harming my dear ones in a life-changing way (a bad life-changing way); it would drive me insane. Literally
089. What's under my bed: I hope nothing illegal
090. The colour of the carpet in my room: I don't have carpet in my entire house, let alone my room....
091. One thing I can take with me to a deserted island: A little buzzer that would be able to transfer people from one place to the other
092. Who I'd like to be for a day: Idina Menzel, I think.. Just to see what it's like. Or Paolo Coelho; he inspires me immensely
093. Biggest dream: 'I am me' - those words being all I need
094. Biggest problem: I doubt myself
095. Bad characteristic: Very, very, very emotional
096. Addictions: Scratching nail polish off of my nails the second day of having it on my nails (very annoying!!), reading (proud to be a bookworm!), Melissa. I'm not actually addicted to stuff. Although I must say that whenever I think of drop (liquorish), my right hand starts shaking and my right eyelid starts to twist. And I fall in love every day; you could call that an addiction
097. Love at first sight: I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but 'falling in love' after having had only a glimpse of another person is definitely possible. Remember that I believe that there is great difference to find between 'loving' and 'being in love'
098. Honesty or one white lie can't harm anyone?: Honest towards others, but not always to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself to feel safer or to delude myself from the real meaning from what other people do and/or say. These white lies are self-protection and self-protection only
101. Cheating in a relationship: It's like cheating at Monopoly,- you just don't do that. No, but being serious about this: it's not right to cheat. There is obviously something very very wrong with you, your partner and your relationship when one of the two (or both!) are involved with someone else without the permission of their partner. But even though I truly believe this deep inside, I would stay with my partner if he/she cheated.. I just wouldn't be able to leave him/her
102. If I believe in miracles: NO (:
103. Sports: Dancing! Football (soccer, for the Americans here), skiing (racing), volleybal, badminton, kickboxen, pilates. I hate yoga with every fiber of my being
104. Sports I'd never try: Netball
105. Operations: I'm going to have one on my nose, because it has been crooked and I can't breathe properly and it affects my singing. I was actually going to get an operation about a year ago, but due to certain circumstances, the doctors thought it was better to wait
106. Very dark secret: Yes. Which nobody knows. Nobody, except for me
107. Dreams can become reality: Of course they can. If it's the road you're taking, is your choice, however
108. Colour of my underwear right now: baby pink and black satin
109. Favourite way of saying goodbye: A kiss on the cheek or on the mouth if I'm really good friends with the people. A lover would be a french kiss,- either very gentle or very passionate
110. If I'd change my name, I'd change it into: Eveline, I think. I've got a friend back in Holland and her name is Eveline and I've always thought of it as one of the most beautiful names for girls. It just looks and sounds so elegant, as if it should always be written with a feather and coal black ink, on papyrus. Wah
111. Define yourself in one word and one word only: Fibrant
112. Ever been in love,- real love: It still hurts and will never stop hurting. It happened to me once and I'm more careful now
113. Favourite fruit: Mango
114. Favourite flower: Frangipani
115. Supersticion: I don't like black cats. I don't like cats anyway, but if they're black, I just feel like running away
116. Favourite ice cream: Mocca-flavoured
117. What the weather is like at the moment: Dark, cold (18 degrees)
118. The last person I spoke to on the phone: Cathy, my dad's boss's wife, who is a friend of my mom's, because she left a message on our machine about having lunch with my mom and then going to a concert and I called her back to say that she really appreciated it, but that she was still in Mumbai then
119. The amount of keys I always have with me: 4
120. The person I miss at this very moment: Roel
121. Job: I work at a restaurant as a waitress (and sometimes as a bartendress),- it's called The Boathouse and it's a very nice place. So if you're in Hong Kong and you feel like having lunch in Stanley in the weekend sometime, come and visit!
122. Left- or right-handed: Right-handed. Everything that's on my left side is either uglier, shorter or less capable of doing things than the things that are on my right side
123. Sport to look at: Ice skating.
124. Favourite subject in school: Drama, but I don't take that. Philosophy and English are my favourite two subjects that I both chose to do at Higher Level
125. My last words will be: 'Do you think I ever was me?' I would ask, as a tear would slowly roll down my cheek. The person that would be with me, would put his/her hand on mine, grab it tenderly and then bring it to his/her lips, very gently. He/she would press a soft kiss, like satin, on my fingertips and as two tears roll down both cheeks, he/she would say: 'I think you were everyone you could be.' Ok, maybe this is just what I want. I might just die because I'm choking. In that case, my last words will be: 'It's stuck, it's stuck!! Get it outttt, it's stuck!' and then die
126. Were Adam and Eve naked?: Clothes had to be invented somehow, right? So I guess that Eve got bored with life and started sewing after grabbing the apple and pressing her teeth through the apple's thin skin
127. Someone I'd like to meet, but who would it be?: Someone who would, miraculously, understand me and want to be with me, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it would be just as friends, as long as he/she understands where I'm coming from, without having to say too much
128. Where I'd get a tattoo: Inside my left wrist or on my right ankle bone
129. Favourite gum: Citrus flavoured
130. Most gorgeous part of a woman: Depends on the woman. Everyone is unique
131. Most gorgeous part about me: Blue eyes, I guess
132. I'd kill this person: 'Ginny Weasle',- she just pisses me off throughout the series
133. North, East, South, West: South-West
134. Cat or dog: Neither, but I think I'd go for a dog in the end if I really HAD to choose
135. Simple and clear or complicated and blurry: I am simple and clear to others, but inside my head it's all complicated and blurry
136. Funny or serious: Healthy balance there, youngsters
137. Full or half-full milk: Full, but I don't drink it
138. Reading or writing: SHIT THAT'S HARD! Hardest till now... Erm, I just typed 'Reading', but I think I'm gonna go for writing anyway..
139. Coloured or black-and-white pictures: Depends on what kind of picture they are, but if it would be any picture at all, I'd choose black and white, with grain
140.Sunrise or sunset: Sunset - on the beach
141. Laughing or dreaming: Dreaming
142. Summer- or winter-holidays: Summer
143. Sweet or hard: Sweet
144. Introverted or extraverted: I'm extraverted. Very much so, indeed
145. Inside or outside: Always the outside first,- don't lie, women! I fall for the ugliest people though, so I guess that is proof I don't really pay attention to looks
146. Rebellion or a book of laws: Rebellion
147. Light or darkness: Darkness
148. Chatting or calling someone up: Chatting! I hate my voice on the phone.. It sounds as if there is a bag of kittens and someone is smashing a hammer on it
149. Sneezing or coughing: Coughing
150. Condom or barebacked: Erm. Like better bare, but always be safe, girls!
151. Guys with makeup on or without: Without. You're a guy for a reason
152. Older boyfriend: Very much wanted. Not younger!
153. Love of your life or friends: My love of my life would have to be one of my better friends, so I can't really answer that question
154. Kiss or Hug: Kiss
155. Brown, blonde or black hair: Brown, even though I like black a lot too!
156. Pencil or pen: Pen
157. Black or white: Black
158. Laughing or crying: Crying from laughing
159. Coca cola or Pepsi : Coke is coke, just get over yourself, guys
160. Thongs or boxers: For girls in general-> thongs. For me-> thongs. For guys-> BOXERS PLEASE!
161. Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate
162. Pasta or pizza: Pasta
163. Hard or soft: Soft
164. Party or disco: Party
165. Driving yourself or having someone to drive for you: Driving myself seems the ultimate freedom right now!
166. Clingy tv show or a girly chickflick movie: Movie
167. Half-empty or half-full: Half-empty
168. Cremating or burying: Cremation for the win
169. Lego or duplo: Lego
170. Forgive and forget or forgive and not forget: Forgive and never ever forget
171. Strawberries or whip cream: Strawberries
172. Belief: I do not need other people to tell me how to believe in God, thank you very much
173. Twelve roses or a sorry note: It takes more than a note and some flowers (that DIE, may I add) for something to pass over. Besides the sorry note, give it some time
174. Cinema or sofa at home: I wouldn't get out of the house anymore; not good, not good
175. Doing the laundry: How fun! ...nawt
176. Heaven or hell: I believe in a heaven, but I do not believe that hell really exists
177: Spoiling or being spoiled: Being spoiled, hehe
178: Beach or pool: Pool
179. Feet or neck: Neck
180. Jeans or other fabrics: Jeans (or lace when I'm wearing a skirt or a dress)
181. Tank-top or T-shirt: Tank-top
182. Favourite brand: Pierre Balmain
183. Swimming pool or sauna: Sauna
184. Bathing oil or bathing foam: If with someone else-> oil, so you can rub each other in. If alone-> foam, just to enjoy yourself
185. Shower or big bath tub: Big bath tub
186. Simple and complicated: Simple
187. Sex or alcohol: Sex
188. Sex or a movie: Movie and then sex?
189. To speak or to hush: To hush and listen carefully is the better thing to do, but I'm always talking (ALWAYS)
190. Happy or sad: Happy
191. Life or death: Death seems so easy, so I'd have to go for life
192. If my house stood on fire, I'd firstly get out: My lover and me
193. In love right now: No
194. Virgin: No
195. Longest relationship: Relationship that meant something to me? Half a year.
196. Shortest relationship: First one that ever counted, with Bram: a week. We got together like 6 times, but decided we are just better of just being best friends and nothing else, because it feels a bit awkward sometimes, and considering it feels like we're brother and sister now, that was a good decision to make. First relationship that meant a lot to me and wasn't with Bram was Tim Brown. Lasted for a month
197. Disco with friends and your lover or home with just your significant other and you: Disco
198. Favourite position: Depends on the person
199. Weirdest place you ever did 'it': Shower
200. Place where you'd like to do 'it' some time: A park
201. Sex before marriage: Is ok, if it's for the right reasons
202. Take away or cooking dinner together: Cooking together! That's so cute!
203. Ever getting married?: Either I get married like 3 or 4 times or I don't at all.. I don't know what kind of a person I am yet
204. Fastfood or chique restaurant: On a date-> fastfood. Just for fun-> restaurant
205. Is it okay for a woman to have complexes and problems?: Of course. As long as she keeps/starts leading the life she wants and doesn't prevent others from doing the same thing
206. Beer or wine: Wine! WHITE!
207. First thought that came to mind when I got out of bed this morning: I haven't slept for 3 days straight now (this is non-fiction)..
208. Reincarnation: I do not believe in that
210. Pretend to believe in reincarnation-> what kind of an animal would you like to be when yo'd come back?: A cockroach. Apparently their survival instincts are the fittest!
211. Most original way of asking someone to marry you: If I would say that, it wouldn't be the most original way anymore, because I'd have mentioned it before you could have done it. I like the idea of a first date, even though it hardly ever happens and when it does.... It's not a good thing most of the time
212. Heating or hearth: Hearth!!!
213. What's on my mousepad: Kate Winslet. It's the latest Elle from the UK and I always use magazines as mousepads, so yeah.. She ended up as a mousepad
214. Ever kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. I kissed a girl and I liked it!
215. Ever been cheating: No, just no
216. How the hell I got this 'survey': It was on the website of a friend of mine
217. A lot of place in bed or hedgehog-like sleeping: I sleep in the foetus-position, but when with lover, in the arms, because it feels safe..
218. Dream house: An old cottage on the English county or a huge mansion. Not a palace though, I don't like palaces. I love the house the Humphrey's inhabit in the series of Gossip Girl; it's absolutely my thing!
219. What my last dream was about: There were black crows in it and an orange sun, but I don't remember if it was a sunrise or a sunset
220. Most important people in my life: Melissa and the people that I love indescribably much, like Roel, Bram, Aster.. There isn't one set of 'most important' people in my life, I think, actually.. It's the people that inspire you mostly, that are the 'most important', I reckon, but when it comes to actual influences on you, whether you choose to undergo them or not, are also from family and people that have hurt you in the past. Writers (artists!) like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho dare me to get everything out of life. They challenge me to be the best person I can possibly be
221. Love to do when I'm older: Have a really cute cottage somewhere or a huge house somewhere else
222. Walking on the beach or through the mountains: Beach
223. Proud of: Gotten invited by a publisher in Holland (Prometheus) about me writing a book (ah-ma-zing!) and 97% on a maths test!!!!
224. Regretting: Nothing. Absolutely nothing
225. Often in fights: Nope, hardly ever. Except with my parents.. That's a continuing battle
226. Sleeping with a stuffed animal: I do so
227. Daring: Very
228. Spontaneous: You can say that again!
229. Sweet: Definitely
230. Honest: I'm honest, just not always as honest to myself
231. Jealous: I'm very jealous. It's not even normal anymore
232. Funny: Apparently I am
233. Crying: Quite easily whenever I'm alone, but very rarely with someone around
234. Sex after marriage: Whenever you're ready for it
235. Happy with myself: No, but I don't hate myself anymore like when I did when I was 14. That was terrible.. I have accepted my flaws and even though it hurts to say them out loud or to write them down even, I know that they are there and what they are.
236: Most important in my life: Succes, in whatever it is I want to succeed in. The people I love. Myself, because without myself I wouldn't be here
237. Tidy room: Not at the moment, to be honest...
238. Fidelity or infidelity: Fidelity!!
001. Gender: Girl
002. Nickname: Mila, Milly, Camel, Cam, Camster, Camie.. you tell me!
003. Cutest loverbird-name: pancake, pineapple
004. E-mail address: milly_damil@hotmail.com
005. Date of birth: august 27 1990
006. Astro sign: Virgo
007. Place of birth: Soestdijk (Utrecht, Holland)
008. Residence: Hong Kong
009. Phone number: I don't have a mobile phone (the sad thing is that I'm not even kidding)
010. Siblings: Melissa (13)
011. School: South Island School (Aberdeen, Hong Kong)
012. Country/City/Sub-urbs: City, but close to the country, so I can get out of the hectic-ness whenever I want to, for a weekend or so
013. Weight: 60kg, ew.
014. Height: 1m67
015. Shoe size: EU size 37/38/39
016. Eye colour: blue
017. Hair colour: dark, dark blonde (normal people would call it brown)
018. Pets: Melissa (13)
019. Favourite colour: I don't have a favourite colour; it totally depends on my mood
020. Favourite dinner: Portuguese food
021. What I definitely don't eat: Rat brains,- I respect those little animals
022. Favourite drink: Bubble tea (from Hong Kong!), Strawberry Margharita
023. Studies: Still in High School and I'm already 18 :(
024. Marriage or living together: First move in and then get married
025. Favourite music: Old skool jazz, old skool rock, musical songs
026. Cell phone: I told you,- don't have one! Hahahaha
027. Sun or snow: Snow on the landscape and mountains so I can ski, with the sun in my face! Definitely!
028. Dream car: A PINK MUSTANG!!!!
029. Best radio: I don't listen to the radio anymore
030. Best magazine: Nylon!, Australian Vogue, French Vogue
031. Best toothpaste: Toothpaste that works
032. How late I usually go to bed: 1am
033. Favourite pajama-fabrics: Out in the nude
034. How many children I want later on: None, please (don't frown; I've thought about this more than the average person of my age and I can't stand the idea of having children of my own, with my genes in them. I might adopt a child when I'm 30 or something, but I would never ever want to give birth to a child)
035. What kind of shoes I like to wear: Pumps
036. Best place to sleep: My lover's bed,- I feel safe there, no matter what the weather or time of day is. Too bad I've only got my own bed at the moment..
037. Favourite song of the moment: Mr. Curiosity, by Jason Mraz
038. Relationship: Not quite there yet
039. Crush of the moment: I miss someone, but I do not have a crush right now
040. Do I get emotional sometimes: I'm the most over-emotional person you will ever meet. I joke not..
041. Do I cry when I watch a movie: If the movie is good and I can relate to it, then yes
042. Favourite author: I don't have one, but I like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho a whole lot. Their books make my lives what they are and inspire me in all ways that are possible
043. Typing blindly: Yes, except when I'm eating noodles or something
044. Happiness through money: I don't believe that money equals happiness, but I do believe that money makes some things a bunch easier.. I just happen to be brought up in a lucky way, when it comes to financial matters
045. Nicest people I know: Roel, Bram. Melissa.
046. How many toothbrushes I have: 2. I don't know why, but I've got 2
047. Behind their backs or in their faces: In their faces. I'm just like that. But when it's about me, I'd rather have it behind my back,- I'm not ready for some truths about myself
048. Most romantic moment in my life: Imagine living in the 21st century and getting a letter on the day you get back from a journey to the other side of the world, from someone who you love, who lives on another continent. The letter you receive, is 5 pages long and on every page, there is at least 3 times mentioned that the person who wrote the letter, loves you, misses you and wants to be with you. The rest of the contents of the letter are about how beautiful you are and the person that wrote the letter, opens up to you. It seems years ago, but this happened to me in november 'O8. I still cry when I read that letter.
049. Piercings: One in each earlobe (:
050. Tattoos: None yet, but I'd love three mini stars in a triangle on my left wrist, with (MAYBE!!) a little heart in the middle (no colours though, just dark)
051. Special talents: I'm a jedi. I speak 7 languages (almost all completely fluently), understand 8 and am learning 2 more at the moment
052. Fast or slow: Depends what it's about
053. Sexuality: Bisexual
054. Smoking: ...stinks
055. Drugs: Erm that just teared me up
056. Alcohol: Yes! I'm not a binge drinker; I don't like drunks
057. What I'm afraid of: Love, not succeeding in whatever it is I want to succeed in, Greg, not having enough time..
058. Favourite city: I don't have just one,- Hong Kong, Lisbon, London, Paris, Maastricht, Amsterdam, so many more
059. Favourite tv series: The L Word, Ally McBeal
060. Favourite holiday destination: NYC is on the list! On top!! But from all the places I've been.... I think skiing in Verbier (Switzerland) and charity work in Tanzania have had a greatest impact on me. And Portugal is just where I feel home
061. Favourite place to go out: Taj
062. Big/Small people: I feel so safe when someone puts their arms around me and they're a bit taller than I am, so I can rest my head on the curve of their neck.. It's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had
063. Nice person I met this year: Ian Mednick, my ski-instructor/supervisor in Verbier
064. What I do whenever I'm down: Writing, as if you hadn't noticed yet.... And binge eating. Then puking. Hardly do it anymore, but whenever I am really, really down, I do it.
065. Being alone: Love it, but I need people around me the now and then, otherwise I feel like I'm going insane
066. What I want to be when I'm big: full-time worker as a writer, co-writer, translator/interpreter in court or for the UN; that sort of stuff. Now, these aren't actually my number ones,- my number one is to be appearing in musicals, but my parents don't want me to
067. Going out: More often than I used to. The people I know now are a lot more fun than the ones I used to know last year, so I guess that helps
068. Living together with someone of the same character as mine: It would be nice in some cases, because I know a lot about myself so I know what to do and what not to do, but I think it would ruin the both of us eventually, no matter how cool the person, if there weren't another person living with us (social workers?)
069. What I definitely do not drink: Snake blood
070. Name of future children: I don't want any children. But if I make a mistake, I will call my daughter Jane, my son Will. Second daughter: Elizabeth. Second son: Tristan
071. Relationship with parents: Not good,- I've never been the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm sorry for that, but I can't make it up to them anymore. It's really complicated
072. Driving around in cars: Love it! I love falling asleep in a car and waking up in a different country! Would adore living in the US and travel around a lot in a pick up truck or something.. Would be amazing!!
073. Best feeling in the world: Waking up in the morning, staring in your lover's face, feeling no fear whatsoever
074. Worst feeling in the world: The process of letting go, because the things that you WANT to let go, are hardest to let go of
075. Teddy bear: Egbert, he is a white little thingy and wears red. I've had him since the moment I was born
076. A word/sentence I often use: 'Fuck'/'We ran out of Nutella'/'Darling'/'No, I don't curl my hair' (not joking)
077. Only one question to God: Why do M&Ms smudge when I hold them in my hand for too long??!
078. Romance: I am a romantic,- hopelessly romantic
079. Aliens: I think they do exist, actually
080. Glasses: Yes, I have a couple of pairs. I'll post some pictures shortly!
081. Contact lenses: THANK GOD FOR THOSE!!
082. Prejudice or waiting to see: Waiting to see
083. Why I'm doing this: I'm in my third free period today that I have to attend. There isn't even a freaking teacher; what would you have done?!
084. People that hate me: I'm sure they exist, but to be honest.. The reasons why they do are really stupid and invalid. If they want to misunderstand things they've heard and base their judgments on those irrelevant things and don't listen to me when I try to explain that things are otherwise, I don't care. I don't waste my time on this kind of people anymore ("They can say what they want about me; I'll just keep on singing my song" Christina Aguilera)
086. Why we live: Success, reproduction, survival of the fittest
087. What I do as soon as I get home: Checking blogspot out
088. What I would never forgive someone: I would forgive anyone for anything. Except for harming my dear ones in a life-changing way (a bad life-changing way); it would drive me insane. Literally
089. What's under my bed: I hope nothing illegal
090. The colour of the carpet in my room: I don't have carpet in my entire house, let alone my room....
091. One thing I can take with me to a deserted island: A little buzzer that would be able to transfer people from one place to the other
092. Who I'd like to be for a day: Idina Menzel, I think.. Just to see what it's like. Or Paolo Coelho; he inspires me immensely
093. Biggest dream: 'I am me' - those words being all I need
094. Biggest problem: I doubt myself
095. Bad characteristic: Very, very, very emotional
096. Addictions: Scratching nail polish off of my nails the second day of having it on my nails (very annoying!!), reading (proud to be a bookworm!), Melissa. I'm not actually addicted to stuff. Although I must say that whenever I think of drop (liquorish), my right hand starts shaking and my right eyelid starts to twist. And I fall in love every day; you could call that an addiction
097. Love at first sight: I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but 'falling in love' after having had only a glimpse of another person is definitely possible. Remember that I believe that there is great difference to find between 'loving' and 'being in love'
098. Honesty or one white lie can't harm anyone?: Honest towards others, but not always to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself to feel safer or to delude myself from the real meaning from what other people do and/or say. These white lies are self-protection and self-protection only
101. Cheating in a relationship: It's like cheating at Monopoly,- you just don't do that. No, but being serious about this: it's not right to cheat. There is obviously something very very wrong with you, your partner and your relationship when one of the two (or both!) are involved with someone else without the permission of their partner. But even though I truly believe this deep inside, I would stay with my partner if he/she cheated.. I just wouldn't be able to leave him/her
102. If I believe in miracles: NO (:
103. Sports: Dancing! Football (soccer, for the Americans here), skiing (racing), volleybal, badminton, kickboxen, pilates. I hate yoga with every fiber of my being
104. Sports I'd never try: Netball
105. Operations: I'm going to have one on my nose, because it has been crooked and I can't breathe properly and it affects my singing. I was actually going to get an operation about a year ago, but due to certain circumstances, the doctors thought it was better to wait
106. Very dark secret: Yes. Which nobody knows. Nobody, except for me
107. Dreams can become reality: Of course they can. If it's the road you're taking, is your choice, however
108. Colour of my underwear right now: baby pink and black satin
109. Favourite way of saying goodbye: A kiss on the cheek or on the mouth if I'm really good friends with the people. A lover would be a french kiss,- either very gentle or very passionate
110. If I'd change my name, I'd change it into: Eveline, I think. I've got a friend back in Holland and her name is Eveline and I've always thought of it as one of the most beautiful names for girls. It just looks and sounds so elegant, as if it should always be written with a feather and coal black ink, on papyrus. Wah
111. Define yourself in one word and one word only: Fibrant
112. Ever been in love,- real love: It still hurts and will never stop hurting. It happened to me once and I'm more careful now
113. Favourite fruit: Mango
114. Favourite flower: Frangipani
115. Supersticion: I don't like black cats. I don't like cats anyway, but if they're black, I just feel like running away
116. Favourite ice cream: Mocca-flavoured
117. What the weather is like at the moment: Dark, cold (18 degrees)
118. The last person I spoke to on the phone: Cathy, my dad's boss's wife, who is a friend of my mom's, because she left a message on our machine about having lunch with my mom and then going to a concert and I called her back to say that she really appreciated it, but that she was still in Mumbai then
119. The amount of keys I always have with me: 4
120. The person I miss at this very moment: Roel
121. Job: I work at a restaurant as a waitress (and sometimes as a bartendress),- it's called The Boathouse and it's a very nice place. So if you're in Hong Kong and you feel like having lunch in Stanley in the weekend sometime, come and visit!
122. Left- or right-handed: Right-handed. Everything that's on my left side is either uglier, shorter or less capable of doing things than the things that are on my right side
123. Sport to look at: Ice skating.
124. Favourite subject in school: Drama, but I don't take that. Philosophy and English are my favourite two subjects that I both chose to do at Higher Level
125. My last words will be: 'Do you think I ever was me?' I would ask, as a tear would slowly roll down my cheek. The person that would be with me, would put his/her hand on mine, grab it tenderly and then bring it to his/her lips, very gently. He/she would press a soft kiss, like satin, on my fingertips and as two tears roll down both cheeks, he/she would say: 'I think you were everyone you could be.' Ok, maybe this is just what I want. I might just die because I'm choking. In that case, my last words will be: 'It's stuck, it's stuck!! Get it outttt, it's stuck!' and then die
126. Were Adam and Eve naked?: Clothes had to be invented somehow, right? So I guess that Eve got bored with life and started sewing after grabbing the apple and pressing her teeth through the apple's thin skin
127. Someone I'd like to meet, but who would it be?: Someone who would, miraculously, understand me and want to be with me, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it would be just as friends, as long as he/she understands where I'm coming from, without having to say too much
128. Where I'd get a tattoo: Inside my left wrist or on my right ankle bone
129. Favourite gum: Citrus flavoured
130. Most gorgeous part of a woman: Depends on the woman. Everyone is unique
131. Most gorgeous part about me: Blue eyes, I guess
132. I'd kill this person: 'Ginny Weasle',- she just pisses me off throughout the series
133. North, East, South, West: South-West
134. Cat or dog: Neither, but I think I'd go for a dog in the end if I really HAD to choose
135. Simple and clear or complicated and blurry: I am simple and clear to others, but inside my head it's all complicated and blurry
136. Funny or serious: Healthy balance there, youngsters
137. Full or half-full milk: Full, but I don't drink it
138. Reading or writing: SHIT THAT'S HARD! Hardest till now... Erm, I just typed 'Reading', but I think I'm gonna go for writing anyway..
139. Coloured or black-and-white pictures: Depends on what kind of picture they are, but if it would be any picture at all, I'd choose black and white, with grain
140.Sunrise or sunset: Sunset - on the beach
141. Laughing or dreaming: Dreaming
142. Summer- or winter-holidays: Summer
143. Sweet or hard: Sweet
144. Introverted or extraverted: I'm extraverted. Very much so, indeed
145. Inside or outside: Always the outside first,- don't lie, women! I fall for the ugliest people though, so I guess that is proof I don't really pay attention to looks
146. Rebellion or a book of laws: Rebellion
147. Light or darkness: Darkness
148. Chatting or calling someone up: Chatting! I hate my voice on the phone.. It sounds as if there is a bag of kittens and someone is smashing a hammer on it
149. Sneezing or coughing: Coughing
150. Condom or barebacked: Erm. Like better bare, but always be safe, girls!
151. Guys with makeup on or without: Without. You're a guy for a reason
152. Older boyfriend: Very much wanted. Not younger!
153. Love of your life or friends: My love of my life would have to be one of my better friends, so I can't really answer that question
154. Kiss or Hug: Kiss
155. Brown, blonde or black hair: Brown, even though I like black a lot too!
156. Pencil or pen: Pen
157. Black or white: Black
158. Laughing or crying: Crying from laughing
159. Coca cola or Pepsi : Coke is coke, just get over yourself, guys
160. Thongs or boxers: For girls in general-> thongs. For me-> thongs. For guys-> BOXERS PLEASE!
161. Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate
162. Pasta or pizza: Pasta
163. Hard or soft: Soft
164. Party or disco: Party
165. Driving yourself or having someone to drive for you: Driving myself seems the ultimate freedom right now!
166. Clingy tv show or a girly chickflick movie: Movie
167. Half-empty or half-full: Half-empty
168. Cremating or burying: Cremation for the win
169. Lego or duplo: Lego
170. Forgive and forget or forgive and not forget: Forgive and never ever forget
171. Strawberries or whip cream: Strawberries
172. Belief: I do not need other people to tell me how to believe in God, thank you very much
173. Twelve roses or a sorry note: It takes more than a note and some flowers (that DIE, may I add) for something to pass over. Besides the sorry note, give it some time
174. Cinema or sofa at home: I wouldn't get out of the house anymore; not good, not good
175. Doing the laundry: How fun! ...nawt
176. Heaven or hell: I believe in a heaven, but I do not believe that hell really exists
177: Spoiling or being spoiled: Being spoiled, hehe
178: Beach or pool: Pool
179. Feet or neck: Neck
180. Jeans or other fabrics: Jeans (or lace when I'm wearing a skirt or a dress)
181. Tank-top or T-shirt: Tank-top
182. Favourite brand: Pierre Balmain
183. Swimming pool or sauna: Sauna
184. Bathing oil or bathing foam: If with someone else-> oil, so you can rub each other in. If alone-> foam, just to enjoy yourself
185. Shower or big bath tub: Big bath tub
186. Simple and complicated: Simple
187. Sex or alcohol: Sex
188. Sex or a movie: Movie and then sex?
189. To speak or to hush: To hush and listen carefully is the better thing to do, but I'm always talking (ALWAYS)
190. Happy or sad: Happy
191. Life or death: Death seems so easy, so I'd have to go for life
192. If my house stood on fire, I'd firstly get out: My lover and me
193. In love right now: No
194. Virgin: No
195. Longest relationship: Relationship that meant something to me? Half a year.
196. Shortest relationship: First one that ever counted, with Bram: a week. We got together like 6 times, but decided we are just better of just being best friends and nothing else, because it feels a bit awkward sometimes, and considering it feels like we're brother and sister now, that was a good decision to make. First relationship that meant a lot to me and wasn't with Bram was Tim Brown. Lasted for a month
197. Disco with friends and your lover or home with just your significant other and you: Disco
198. Favourite position: Depends on the person
199. Weirdest place you ever did 'it': Shower
200. Place where you'd like to do 'it' some time: A park
201. Sex before marriage: Is ok, if it's for the right reasons
202. Take away or cooking dinner together: Cooking together! That's so cute!
203. Ever getting married?: Either I get married like 3 or 4 times or I don't at all.. I don't know what kind of a person I am yet
204. Fastfood or chique restaurant: On a date-> fastfood. Just for fun-> restaurant
205. Is it okay for a woman to have complexes and problems?: Of course. As long as she keeps/starts leading the life she wants and doesn't prevent others from doing the same thing
206. Beer or wine: Wine! WHITE!
207. First thought that came to mind when I got out of bed this morning: I haven't slept for 3 days straight now (this is non-fiction)..
208. Reincarnation: I do not believe in that
210. Pretend to believe in reincarnation-> what kind of an animal would you like to be when yo'd come back?: A cockroach. Apparently their survival instincts are the fittest!
211. Most original way of asking someone to marry you: If I would say that, it wouldn't be the most original way anymore, because I'd have mentioned it before you could have done it. I like the idea of a first date, even though it hardly ever happens and when it does.... It's not a good thing most of the time
212. Heating or hearth: Hearth!!!
213. What's on my mousepad: Kate Winslet. It's the latest Elle from the UK and I always use magazines as mousepads, so yeah.. She ended up as a mousepad
214. Ever kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. I kissed a girl and I liked it!
215. Ever been cheating: No, just no
216. How the hell I got this 'survey': It was on the website of a friend of mine
217. A lot of place in bed or hedgehog-like sleeping: I sleep in the foetus-position, but when with lover, in the arms, because it feels safe..
218. Dream house: An old cottage on the English county or a huge mansion. Not a palace though, I don't like palaces. I love the house the Humphrey's inhabit in the series of Gossip Girl; it's absolutely my thing!
219. What my last dream was about: There were black crows in it and an orange sun, but I don't remember if it was a sunrise or a sunset
220. Most important people in my life: Melissa and the people that I love indescribably much, like Roel, Bram, Aster.. There isn't one set of 'most important' people in my life, I think, actually.. It's the people that inspire you mostly, that are the 'most important', I reckon, but when it comes to actual influences on you, whether you choose to undergo them or not, are also from family and people that have hurt you in the past. Writers (artists!) like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho dare me to get everything out of life. They challenge me to be the best person I can possibly be
221. Love to do when I'm older: Have a really cute cottage somewhere or a huge house somewhere else
222. Walking on the beach or through the mountains: Beach
223. Proud of: Gotten invited by a publisher in Holland (Prometheus) about me writing a book (ah-ma-zing!) and 97% on a maths test!!!!
224. Regretting: Nothing. Absolutely nothing
225. Often in fights: Nope, hardly ever. Except with my parents.. That's a continuing battle
226. Sleeping with a stuffed animal: I do so
227. Daring: Very
228. Spontaneous: You can say that again!
229. Sweet: Definitely
230. Honest: I'm honest, just not always as honest to myself
231. Jealous: I'm very jealous. It's not even normal anymore
232. Funny: Apparently I am
233. Crying: Quite easily whenever I'm alone, but very rarely with someone around
234. Sex after marriage: Whenever you're ready for it
235. Happy with myself: No, but I don't hate myself anymore like when I did when I was 14. That was terrible.. I have accepted my flaws and even though it hurts to say them out loud or to write them down even, I know that they are there and what they are.
236: Most important in my life: Succes, in whatever it is I want to succeed in. The people I love. Myself, because without myself I wouldn't be here
237. Tidy room: Not at the moment, to be honest...
238. Fidelity or infidelity: Fidelity!!
Where the heart is.. Here's what I believe:
'Where The Heart Is'.
Another book. Another book on my shelf that I haven't read yet. I've started it, but never finished it,- like many other things in my life.
The amount of times I have prayed to get a possibility to prove myself to others.. The amount of times I actually got those possibilities and then just wasn't able to finish what I started..
When do I begin to count? Where is the line that society has secretly drawn to keep us within our own boundaries actually drawn? From what age on is this line sensible to us and when do the things we do, start to count? At what age becomes this line visible to us, poor creatures of the living world?
Which situations really make us who we are?
I have told myself that I do not regret. I do not regret anything,- I care, but never forget that every hard situation will make me harder than I was before. I believe that, the weaker you start, the stronger you'll finish. I know that every runner sometimes needs a break to breathe and to stretch his muscles, just like I believe that slow walkers aren't necessarily in bad shape.
But when do we find out all these things? Why did we stop running? Why did we start? What happens to us that makes us so miserable that we start thinking of who we are and why?
What happened to me?
No more lies.
I've lied too often to myself. I have literally said that I put on a show for everyone around me (especially when I was anorexic), except for myself. I have said, both out loud and in my head, that the mask I was wearing, was only to be taken off by me. I have spoken about knowing myself.
But with faking my identity.. With faking emotions when I felt numb as a rock, wet and cold by the salty water of the sea.. I lost my inner me,- I lost a part of me. With putting up a show for others, I closed the curtains for myself.
And the mask I was wearing, wouldn't come off one day. I don't know when, but at some point I started believing my fake emotions and as soon as I noticed that they weren't real I felt great, because I found out that I could delude myself and start believing whatever I wanted to believe. I noticed I was lying to myself; as I put on the mask for everyone to look at, including myself. After a while, I forgot to notice. I forgot who I was,- who I wanted to be.
As soon as one claims to know him- or herself, that person clearly does not know what he or she is talking about. I do not know myself, but I do dream. I dream of waking up one day, alone, with a smile on my face, being happy with the words 'I am me'. I dream of those three little words. I dream of them being sufficient.
I do not believe in happiness. I believe in life. I believe that we are supposed to be unhappy, so we can appreciate those little moments of happiness, which life consists of. It aren't the tiny moments of happiness that make us who we are; it are the moments in which hope is the last thing we can hope for,- it's the moments we find that hope, the moments we get through to reach a candle of happiness, to lit it with the hope we found.
Those sparks.. They make us who we are.
At this very moment, I am going to try to enjoy every minute I have. It doesn't matter if I die in a car accident or when I'm 84 years old, or because the doors of a train closed too quickly and I got squished in between them. Or because I choked on a pea.
I don't care.
As long as I don't have to consider the option of lying, when I'm asked if I'd done everything I wanted to do before leaving life forever. I don't think I could bare another lie.
There is so much I want to do. There is so much I want to give.
And there are so many things.. So many sentences, left unsaid. So many matters, left undone.
I still have to wake up one day, alone, with a smile on my face, being happy with the words 'I am me'. I still dream of those three little words. I still dream of them being sufficient.Let my heart be where I am. Because I am where my heart is.
Jealousy, jealousy ..is such an evil thing.
Tim Scott has a new girlfriend.
"Tanya"
I knew it when I saw a conversation of them on some pictures on facebook (I know, I know, I'm a possessive girlfriend. But isn't that what you're supposed to be when you're "in love" and you like each other? Isn't that what you're supposed to be when you're "together"? Isn't the entire idea of being together, just to be that and nothing less?). I just knew it.
Now we broke up and he's already over me. A couple of weeks ago he was all like; 'Oh, I miss you so much, you have a very special place in my heart, I will never forget you, I hope I can come to Hong Kong soon so I can do all these things with you [I was talking about a certain island close to HK Island] and there is this amazing thing I just discovered in Derby that you just HAVE to see. You should really try the fish&chips there too, by the way; they're great!!' BLAHBLAHBLAHBULLSHITBLAHBLAH.
Jesus Christ.
Have I ever done this to him after we 'broke up'? NO.
So don't go giving me all crap about how much you miss me and then start dating someone else (who lives on the other side of the United-fucking-Kingdom, may I add!!!!!) two weeks after that.
Jealous?
Indeed.
And I was having such a lovely day today....
God, I feel so bad right now. I just want to throw things around and binge. Or starve. Or binge. Or starve. Or puke. Or binge. Or starve. Or just all of them.
I don't feel depressed. I'm not depressed,- I'm happy. I'm a very happy person. I just happen to be a very happy person that is very annoyed right now.
And yes, indeed,- jealous.
Fernando Pessoa. Again.
O amor é uma companhia
Já não sei andar só pelos caminhos,
Porque já não posso andar só.
Um pensamento visível faz-me andar mais depressa
E ver menos, e ao mesmo tempo gostar bem de ir vendo tudo.
Mesmo a ausência dela é uma coisa que está comigo.
E eu gosto tanto dela que não sei como a desejar.
Se a não vejo, imagino-a e sou forte como as árvores altas.
Mas se a vejo tremo, não sei o que é feito do que sinto na ausência dela.
Todo eu sou qualquer força que me abandona.
Toda a realidade olha para mim como um girassol com a cara dela no meio.
[Alberto Caeiro]
1.2.09
Be realistic, puh-lease!
I have always been bugging you with my stories, randomnesses and stupid worries about life. A short while back, I decided to write more on fashion, clothes and other stuff that makes people happy (how original!). I'd like to keep things realistic, though:
-Designer stuff is incredibly expensive (unless you live in Hong Kong and go to Pedder Street; Pedder Building; there is a nameless shop there with real Marc's and Giordano's and Dolce's, etc. etc. For only 800 hk$ a piece, if you're lucky! They just cut the labels, so they don't have to pay the taxes themselves, so it's way cheaper if you buy something there! Sometimes the tags are still on the pieces they sell, but they're just a bit ruffled or something.. Go for it!!).-Most of the stuff that is being displayed in pictures and magazines and on sites all over the web, is just not wearable. Why do people keep forgetting that we are laughing about the shoulder-pads right now, but that we do want to be seen with Uggs on our feet? In a couple of years from now, we will be laughing at both the shoulder-pads and the Uggs. Now, I won't be a hypocrite: I own a pair of Uggs. But at least I do so for the right reasons: they are comfy and warm. This is what they are meant to be,- comfy, warm. Not trendy. Pisses me off to see how people are veggies and still wear shoes with leather soles or.. UGGS. That's right. They do exist! I was shocked myself when I found out, but I'm slowly getting over it. Ladies.. What are you thinking? Uggs are uggly; get over it. Grow up and stick to your morals. (Don't get me started on the 'androgyne look' or the 'I just fell with my face on the pavement and now it looks like I come from Mars-look'.)
I won't bore you any longer with any of this. I think I've made my point. There are lots of other ways to look at things and there's no doubt about it that I shall make various more points in a later stage of my blogging-life, but not now. You need a break too (:
Let's do something fun, but still realistic!
I already gave you the website for Dress Like Gossip Girl (AHHHH!!!!)(loving it? Hating it? Let me know!), and here are two others that I just can't keep to myself any longer (better than eBay, I reckon).
Loving it? I certainly am! Pictures of outfits coming up soon again; hopefully a couple of Verbier-ones as well!
On this website, you upload pictures of whatever you want to get rid of and you give a small description of it, too. At one point, someone will get interested in your stuff (or you will get interested in someone else's stuff) and you'll swap things! Unwanted Christmas presents, unopened dvd-boxes, purses, shoes, clothes, picnic baskets, you name it!It's quite fun to get a package from the mail man; you should really try it!Here you do the same thing, but it's basically a website where you can get rid of frustration as well. You know how when you break up, you still have some of his presents (or maybe the prick never gave you anything in the first place, but that's a different case) and it's too painful to give it back and/or to keep it? Well, if you don't know what that feels like, let me tell you something: it sucks. Big, big understatement right there. It sucks really badly. This website is the place to be when you want to get rid of the stuff he gave you or maybe even things you were planning on giving to him! Nobody has to know who you are, but you still get your dose of therapy by getting rid of some unnecessarily painful memories. You're gorgeous, girl! Know what you're worth!I do not need to say anything more. Just click on the link and start gazing. And in case you got lost: Lomography Shop. One more so I can call it a day and finally go to bed (it's 4:30am and I have school in 3.5 hours),- the link to the website if you're looking for the 'shop' contents nearby you: select your country here. Have fun!
Hardcore female-ish-ness.
Guess who's back!
Les parents are on a 'holiday' to Mumbai to see if they like it as a place to live. My dad got 3 job offers on 1 day to think about: one in Hong Kong (at the polytechnic university; to teach a master's degree in Facility Management)(whatever), one in Mumbai and one either in NYC, Shanghai or wherever else there's a big office in Asia, actually. My dad says he's quite interested in the job in Mumbai, so that's why they're there.
I'm quite bad at processing information in my family, as I'm last to know about most of the things, anyway.. But in this case it only confuses me whenever I get the information I'm asking for, so I decided to not ask my parents for information anymore. At least not too much. But who is it up to to decide when I'm getting too much information and when I'm getting too little so?
I'll just pretend not to know about any of this, because it will make me live for the moment more; it will have me enjoying HK more before I'm going to the US or wherever.
Yesterday, I got back from my school's ski-trip to Verbier in Switzerland. It was absolutely amazing. I was in the top 'set' of the people that did ski and it went well, but on the second day i twisted my ankle in a really retarded way; it didn't even hurt up until later that day! I couldn't properly stop anymore (wtf..) and I asked if I could go down a set or two and they put me in Ian's group. Ian was the nicest instructor around.
Then on the third last day, I heard that my good friend's father has passed away, but I didn't hear from HIM, I had to hear from his sister. That kind of hurt, because I'm rather close with the entire family, so I asked her why he didn't tell me. She said that she thought he hadn't told me yet, because I was having fun in Switzerland and he didn't want to spoil it for me. So I guess you can figure yourself that I was pretty devastated the last 2 days, especially because I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, but then on the second last day I started feeling worse and worse and I told Ian about it and he was really cool about it. He really made me feel better, as far as that is possible in a situation like this.
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All my love and support goes out to the family that has lost a very special man, whom we will all never forget. I'm sorry I can't be there with you, especially now. Hope to see you soon, though. Take care, I'm with you guys.
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Except for this, the holiday itself was great. We had a lot of snowfall before we started to go up the mountains ourselves to ski/snowboard and the days we were up there, we had a lot of sun. It was great skiing weather and even the supervisors/instructors were a lot of fun (most of them were my age or just a bit older). I really enjoyed it and was very lucky to be able to go.
This Wednesday, I'm meeting up with Billy. When we decided when to meet, I was feeling quite excited, because I quite missed him over the past week, but at the moment, I don't feel like seeing him anymore. I'm reading 3 books at the moment ('He's Just Not Into You' [helpful!!], 'Eclipse' [I hate Twilight, but I can't stop reading a series once I've started it, so I'm struggling my way through these series, blegh] and 'The Tenth Circle' [SO touching!!]. I was reading 'Jane Eyre' again, but stopped, because it took up too much of my time and I started reading 'The Sorrow Of War' for school, but I didn't get anything of it and it was SO boring, so that's kind of a project that's not going anywhere.. Should get started on that later tonight again, though!) and I must be insane if i actually allow myself to fall for Billy. And that's exactly what is going to happen. I am going to allow it to myself, I will fall and I will break.
Why is love scary? Why aren't there any movies about how scary love really is, with the main characters being realistic but heroic at the same time? Why can't we see real people, having real feelings, really overcoming all of it? Why?!
I just had gummy bears and I'm running on sugar now. Majorly jetlagged; got home at 9:30 last evening and fell asleep at 6:30 this morning (11:30pm, Swiss time). Don't know how the hell I'm going to be able to do my IOP this Wednesday, either. NO TIME.
I want kroketten. And frikandellen. And poffertjes. Oh my GOD, I would KILL for a huuge thingy of bread with a lot of kroketten and frikandellen in it. And then have poffertjes for dessert. And then as a midnight-snack, I'd love to have like 3 burgers with everything on them and 7 of those boxes with chicken nuggets in them. And I'm not talking about those crap boxes with only 6 in them. I'm talking about the big ones.
This is the right moment to admit that I had too much sugar and too little savoury- I really should eat something solid right now; I feel a bit wuzzly again. Not good.
Let's watch a movie! Last night I watched Cold Mountain over again and I think I might just watch it yet another time (:
And then Bridget Jones. And then Bridget Jones 2.
Because that is what I am in desperate need of right now.
Some hardcore female-ish-ness.
Might try to fit in The Titanic as well. Let's see where time brings us.
Ohhh, one question: shall I write a third part to Juggling Coke Bottles and The Park, or shall I leave it as it is and start something new? We all know that February is a short month, so I need some ideas/requests shortly!!
To wrap up: my favourite song from the movie Cold Mountain,- I Wish My Baby Was Born:
Love you guys.
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