Today is a calm, but restless day.
I have a lot of homework to do and a lot of stuff on my mind.
Yesterday, I threw up. And even though I felt rather happy afterwards, I feel terrible about it right now and my entire body hurts from fatigue. My heart pounds numbly against my chest.
At the moment, I'm trying to come up with an idea for a new story of mine, but I can't think of anything. Whenever I feel down, I need to write.. Otherwise I start doing stuff I regret later on; if it's not towards myself, it's towards the people around me. To prevent myself from hurting myself/binge eating/purging/starving myself, I pull up defenses and either act really, really happy (aka: I get hyperactive and I start rambling about everything and nothing), or I get snappy and sarcastic.
If I don't write... Well..
The purging is something that will take away the unhappiness for a bit, but not too long. It is like self-inflicted pain: it draws your attention from the mental pain to the physical pain. If your attention is focused on the outer pain, it can't focus on the inner pain. And even if it's for the slightest of moments, I'd do anything to get rid of the confusing mixture of feelings that I am feeling right now.
Been talking to Greg for a while yesterday.
He once didn't e-mail me back for 2 weeks and as I know for a fact that he e-mail people every single day of his life (it's a big part of his job), I got a bit annoyed at it, because my e-mails to him were about how he would get his DVD back. At one point, I sent an e-mail saying: 'ok genius, in case you didn't notice: i've been trying to get you your dvd back for a while now. it stops here. if you want it back, just contact me, because my job's done.'
He sent me an e-mail back, the same day, saying that he was sorry and that he had been very busy with all sorts of things (he named some).
'But as you are caring and understanding, I hope that you will forgive me. Flattery not going to work here? Hm, bugger. No, but really.. I'm sorry. I'll be less worthless, I promise. Can I meet you tomorrow?' We met up the day afterwards. My strategy of pretending not to care anymore, had worked.
Yesterday, he hadn't e-mailed me in a very long time, again. Instead of being pathetic, I sent him an e-mail that was one sentence long (short): 'i think i've just stopped being caring and understanding.'
All of a sudden, he was online again, later that day (he hadn't been online for 2 weeks), and he started to talk to me: 'Sorry that I haven't let you know anything for the past days. Had 3 shows and 2 meetings, it has been crazy these days,' was what he said. After having 'talked' to him for about 5 minutes, he said: 'Oh, I got an e-mail from you.' My reply: 'Surprise surprise.'
He read it and said he was sorry. Again.
Just before leaving, he repeated what he said in his e-mail from 3 weeks before: 'I'm sorry for not being here; next time we talk, we'll really talk. I promise I'll be less useless.'
Me; 'I heard that before.'
He; 'What?'
Me; 'You said it before- that you'd be less useless, I mean.'
He; 'And now I say it again. I really mean it.'
You know what the thing is?
The thing is that I know that I should walk away; shouldn't be hoping and waiting for the moment that he shows that he really means it. The hoping and waiting is all in vain; it has been this far, it is right now and it will be in future life. There is no point to hope and wait for more than what I've got.
But I still hope. I still wait.
I am too weak to pretend that I'm strong.
I am too weak to pretend that the beating of my heart happens numbly.
Every beat hurts.
