The Marvellous Adventures Of Camilla

Made up Truth

2011-03-17T00:58:00.001-07:00

And now that it’s over, completely over, I don’t know what to feel anymore. At first, it was relief. Second, regret. Then followed by anger and pain, it left an emptiness in me behind. What do you do when the longing and wishing and hoping is gone? What do you hold onto? What truths do you believe in?
All these emotions that I felt for you, because of you, towards you, and spite you, are now lingering on a surface I cannot see. Because you don’t evoke them anymore. So what happens to them - those emotions? Do they fade? Or just simply get transferred to a different subject?
My head hurts. I can breathe in and feel the emptiness in my heart beating against my chest case.
I used to love you, love you, and now that’s over. So was that love a lie, an imagined, made up truth? Do we love, fall in love? Or is it all an object of our imagination and are we just a little confused?

LASTGLASS

2011-03-16T08:58:00.001-07:00

“Last glass goes to you,” I say as I look at you from across the table. Letters on your cover scream an origin, a past history, I do not know, nor care about. A cup of vodka begs, pleads, for me to drink it. I do not.
I pick you up, open you up, light you up. And I inhale. Burning intoxication hits my lungs. I inhale deeper.
The fingers in between which I hold you near me for another drag tremble, too steadily for anyone to notice, too heavily for me to ignore. I exhale, and as my mind tells my body to sigh down and do so, the nicotine rush goes up, up, up, to my head.
I close my eyes and let it hit me, and try to focus on my hand again, by taking that second drag, inhaling, and ashing in the cup in front of me, all in the slowest motion you can possibly imagine.
My first cigarette in ten hours and thirty-seven minutes. I haven’t been counting.
My last glass of vodka. Not that I’m counting.

VAMPiRES.

2011-03-14T03:23:00.001-07:00

A High Class Werewolf

2011-03-10T05:05:00.002-08:00

To Daniel. Because the verb ‘hopen’ in Dutch means ‘to hope’.

A High Class Werewolf -
Withstanding, loyal, and always right there
To let lost souls into his Fortress of Caring,
Or maybe just me, into his throne that we would share.

Maybe I just wanted to talk,
But I don’t remember.
Maybe I just wanted hot, steamy sex,
After a long and cold December.

As you said, the table laughed at your scraped knees,
Just the way we laughed at the ridicule of that fleeting procrastinated night.
But even though most would,
You never let me out of sight.

You don’t think I’m beautiful enough,
But that’s fine -
Because for the slightest glimpse of a moment,
You were mine -
And I am yours.

Falling asleep in your arms, or right next to you,
Made the nightmares, the screaming pain, go away.
But now I’m home, and maybe this is where I belong;
Maybe this is the price I have to pay.

The price of feeling too much.
The price of wanting too much.
The price of needing too much.
Being left alone, naked, stumbling in the dark, as such

Price I cannot pay.
And so I pray

That one day we’ll meet again,
And I can’t remember what I saw.
That one day I’ll look at you,
And the feelings won’t be as raw.

Because, boy, it’s beautiful when you smile
And it’s beautiful when you say, “Oh, I don’t know.”
Because, God, don’t we all have those times when we don’t?
But you’re the only one for whom I don’t have to put up a show.

So grab a sharpie,
And take another shot.
Take another little pill,
Especially if it’s all your imagination’s got.

Intoxicated words are sober thoughts,
As many people may believe.
But after all is said and done,
That’s no longer how I perceive.

IM.

2011-03-10T05:05:00.001-08:00

Because you’re the rock my waves crash upon

Branded by Past,
Crafted by Personality;
Worlds apart,
Put in the same room.

Heels versus snake bites,
Impulse versus logic;
Worlds apart;
Yet hearts intertwined.

I’ve heard it said,
‘Best friends 24/7 brings the Devil to Heaven;’
But we, we are not friends, we are roommates,
We, we are not just roommates, we are Friends.

Not the one, nor the other,
We, we are both - at the same time;
Bringing a non-existent god to life,
Bringing our God into our Hell.

Laughing Jinxing,
Consoling Crying;
Both praying to our God in our Hell,
For tomorrow to come soon and bring clean toilet paper.

Branded by Past,
Crafted by what-yet-to-Come;
Worlds apart,
Put in the same room again.

Flip-flops during winter,
Versus unused bed sheets;
Worlds apart,
Yet our Hearts intertwined.

POSTSECRET.BLOGSPOT.COM

2011-03-07T21:53:00.001-08:00

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

APOEM

2011-02-16T00:10:00.001-08:00

orange

I
cinemas. clubs. parks.
beaches. cafeterias. college libraries.

pain, sadness. depression.
why all of This -

why Now?
why hear the voices you hear?

why Here?

there. there you go.
love, death. love, death, love death love, Love
stop. -

I want you inside of me
I want you -

I want your misery, your depression, your

pain,
come Here.

there. there you go.
in a room once Orange

you love me? sure

I Love you too.

will you still want to hold me Tomorrow?
will you still want to kiss me, caress me, fuck
me?

Fuck
there I go -

in a room once Orange

II
you love me?
in a room once Orange?
how about Real life -

will you still Love me tomorrow?

I have never made love in a bed before.
in fact, I have never made Love

before

cinemas. clubs. parks.
beaches. cafeterias. college libraries.

pain, sadness. depression.
loneliness -

why Now?
why hear the voices that you hear?

why Here -

in a room once Orange

WAKEUP

2011-02-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

My fingers bleed from scratching the walls in the middle of the night. I have woken up, screaming, in pain. I look at my fingertips and suck the blood off of them.

It is 5:24 in the morning. I watch the cigarette smoke of my last cigarette dissolve in the air of my apartment that once must have been untainted and innocent.
I take a deep breath and inhale the toxic smoke, mixed with the hot, humid damp of the cup of green tea that is in front of me.

It is 5:25 in the morning. Maybe I should sleep.
Is this what it has come to be? Screaming nightmares, bleeding fingertips, alcohol, drugs, sex, shit, fuck, stop.

People will always come and people will always leave. I have never left anyone; I guess I was too scared to. I've always stuck around, waiting for people to leave me, waiting to be left. Alone. I realise now that, all this time, I've carefully been creating my own private hell. So this time, I left. But you know what? It doesn't feel any better.

Screaming nightmares, bleeding fingertips, depression, rape, violence, alcohol, depression, fingertips, medication, drugs, parks, shit, fuck, FUCK, stop.

I fell from one hell, one nightmare, right into another.
Maybe I should sleep. The ashed head of my cigarette has given up on me and is now lying on the table. I stare at it.
I do not notice how much time passes. It might be 2 minutes, it might be 3. It might be a century, or maybe one and a half. Who knows?
The thing is, I can't sleep. Not until I've figured out which is the real hell, the real nightmare. You know, living and dreaming are pretty much the same thing, for one the stakes are just a little higher. The fun part is,- or well, 'fun'- The interesting part is figuring out which one is real.
Why did I leave you? You never asked me to. Maybe I should sleep.

Yes, I should sleep. I will, in fact, get some sleep tonight.
And as I lay my pen down, because my fucking fingertips have started bleeding again, I decide that tomorrow...

Tomorrow I will ask you to leave me.

For the last time.

TYPEWRiTERS

2011-02-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know, man.
I just know that I want you. I want to hold you, feel your sweet breath in my neck, while you read what I am typing out on your suitemate's typewriter.
I want you to hold me, to feel my breath in the morning, when I wake you up with one of my sweetest kisses ever given out to anyone lucky enough to even get one.
They are rare.
Just like you. Don't you see?
You are rare, man.
Oh, I don't know.
I just know that I want this, whatever this is, this thing that we have, you and me - when we hold each other in the dark and whisper things that no one should ever say in the first place,
I want this chemical, toxic love to continue.

Love?

Oh man, I don't know.. You said it.
You said it first - those softly spoken words, coming from those moist lips, carried on a sweet breath at 4 in the morning.

In a room that was once orange.

I want you.
Now. Forever. - you and me.

Oh man, I don't know.

FiTFORADViCE.

2011-02-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

I decide it is time. I look in the mirror in the bathroom of my college dorm and decide that it is time.
I am a novelty, even to myself. And as I try to avoid the stars that are flickering in front of my eyes, I realise that there is no way around the dizziness and pain anymore. Yes, this is what it has come to be; this is what my reflection is now - no reflection at all. It has become a more and more frequent thing, not seeing myself and having to rely on other people's perception of how I look and how I'm doing. People say I'm anorexic, but that's not true - in fact, I eat too much.
I plant my long, bony fingers on my cheekbones, and stretch back the fleshy skin that is covering them. I move my hands to my collarbones, and dig my fingernails into my skin, as if holding a steering wheel. I close my eyes; it feels so good. My mind and hands travel further down, till they reach my hips. I make two fists and pound on the pointiness of my hipbones. I swallow. I feel so proud, yet so disgusted. I feel my bones sticking out, poking through my skin, but have gotten used to that feeling and so I dismiss it; I can always be thinner; I can never be too thin. But as with everything else, I dismiss it before I get too much into it.
I take a seat on the rug on the floor and think about Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightley; did/do they ever go through what I'm going through? I'm not nearly as skinny as they are, not nearly as beautiful. Maybe my body is still getting used to this feeling of emptiness.
My head starts spinning again. Or is it the room?
I still sit on the bathroom floor, with my head between my knees now. Is this what it is like to grow up? I wonder. I think I know the answer already.
I lift my head, call out for my roommate. She's not there again. I sigh and call out for my suitemate. I hear her rush to the bathroom. She opens the door and stares at me and my repulsive, naked body, and says: Oh dear, I never thought it was this bad... She sits next to me and holds my massive tininess. What happened? she asks carefully. And for the first time in months, I cry. I tell her - I tell her everything. I tell her about the hiding, the sneaking, the lying. She makes it seem alright; she doesn't seem to blame me at all. It's okay, she assures me. But I can't stop crying. All the way to Health Services, I cry. All the way to the hospital, I cry. All the way to the Eating Disorder Clinic, I cry. But it is time. It is time to radically change.
In Middle School, I started to split my cookies in half. I said no -NO!- to seconds; hardly ever finished my firsts.
In High School, I had an appetite to act, dance, sing, make love, and taste, always saying no -NO!- to the latter.
The food in front of me turned into an altar of resistance, of discipline. I was so lonely, so anxious. It was easy not to eat. A lot easier than feeling all these difficult and complicated emotions, at least.
After weeks, months, years, I allow myself to eat. After all this time of calculated portions and predetermined meal planning, I do finally allow myself to eat.
I feel sick to my stomach. I go outside to get some fresh air. I then realise that it wasn't the taste of the food, nor the action of eating, that made me go where I went; I realise it was the action of not eating, and the combined feeling of emptiness and numbness that pushed me over the line. I am heartbroken.
I go back inside and feel everyone's gaze on my growing stomach, arms and legs. I feel like I'm about to...
I purge. Not voluntarily, but I purge. I am confused, heartbroken.
What, what am I doing? What have I done to myself? And as I think these things, my body spasms forward, I collapse to the ground, and I purge again. In all my sins, I purge.
Is this what it means, to grow up? Losing passions, friends, energy, life? Ourselves? Can we grow down? If so, then what defines us? The empty pit in our stomachs? Our attitudes, our lifestyles, our destinies? Our hurt? Our disease? My disease?! I don't know.
I only know that I don't feel a lot more than before, but what I do feel more, is happiness. I look in the mirror in the bathroom of the eating disorder clinic, and I see myself. I actually see myself, and with that, I see a happier person than ever before.
Mirrors may not be fit for advice, but feelings; true, pure and unpolished feelings.. Those definitely are.

GROWiNG UP, GROWiNG DOWN?

2010-11-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

I decide it is time. I look in the mirror in the bathroom of my college dorm, and decide it is time.
I am a novelty, even to myself. As I try to avoid the stars that are flickering in front of my eyes, I come to the conclusion that there is no way around the dizziness and pain anymore. Yes, this is what it has come to be; this is what my reflection is now - no reflection at all. It has become a more and more frequent thing; not seeing myself and having to listen to other people telling me what they see.
I plant my long, bony fingers on my cheekbones, and stretch back the fleshy skin that's covering them. I move my hands to my collarbones, and dig my fingernails into my skin, as if holding a steering wheel. I close my eyes; it feels so good. My mind and my hands travel down to my hips. I make two fists and pound on the pointiness of my hipbones. I swallow. I feel so proud, yet so disgusted. I feel my bones sticking out, poking through my skin, but have gotten used to that feeling, and so I dismiss it; I can always be thinner, I can never be too thin. But as with everything else, I dismiss the thoughts before I get too much into them. I think I know the answer already.

I sit on the floor, thinking of Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightley; did/do they never go through what I'm going through? I'm not nearly as skinny as they are, not nearly as beautiful. Maybe my body is still getting used to this feeling of emptiness.

I still sit on the bathroom floor, with my head between my knees now. Is this what it is like to grow up? I wonder. I think I know the answer already.

I lift my head, call my roommate. She's not there. I sigh and call out for my suitemate, and hear her rush to the bathroom. She opens the door and stares at my naked, repulsive body, and says:Ohh... Dear, I never thought it was this bad. She sits down and holds my massive tininess. What happened? she asks carefully. And for the first time in months, I cry. I tell her,- I tell her about the hiding, the sneaking, the lying. She makes it seem alright; she doesn't seem to blame me at all. It's okay, she says. But I can't stop crying. All the way to the hospital, I cry. All the way to the eating disorder clinic, I cry. But it is time. It is time for me to radically change.

In Middle School, I started to split my cookies in half. I said no -NO!- to seconds; didn't finish my firsts.
In High School, I had an appetite to act, dance, sing, make love, and taste, always saying no -NO!- to the latter.
The food in front of me, all food, but especially the food that was prepared by me, turned into an altar of resistance, of discipline. It didn't last long for me not to feel anything anymore. I was so lonely and anxious. It was easy not to eat. It was at least a lot easier to feel hungry than to feel any of the painful emotions that I would feel if I would eat.

After weeks, months, years, I allow myself to eat. After all this time, probably even longer than I am now semi-willing to recognise, of calculated portions and predetermined meal planning, I do finally allow myself to eat. And it tastes. Unbearably bad.

I realise that this is why I stopped eating. I realise that my tastebuds didn't want to go through the strenuous pain of the action of eating anymore. I realise that this is why I purged to begin with: my stomach couldn't tolerate something this gross and repulsive any longer., And then I stop. I stop my thoughts and think to myself: Really, Ed? Are you really trying to manipulate me now? Are you really trying with all you have to convince me that that is where you came from? Really?
I feel sick to my stomach.

I go outside to get some fresh air. I realise that it wasn't the taste of the food, nor the action of eating - it was the action of not eating, and the combined feeling of emptiness and numbness, that made Ed come to life.
I am heartbroken.

I go back inside and feel everyone's gaze on my growing stomach, arms, and legs. I feel like I'm about to...
I purge. Not voluntarily, but I purge. I am confused, heartbroken.
My body should love me for getting renourished, I think. But instead, it hates me, just like how Ed hates me and has hated me, for all of his existence. Just like how I hate myself.

What, what am I doing? What have I done to myself? And as I think these things, my body spasms forward, "I collapse to the ground, and I purge again. In all my sins, I purge.
Is this what it means to grow up? Being on the brink of breaking up with yourself by obsessing over yourself? By buying clothes 2 sizes too small as a motivator to lose weight? What does it mean, to grow up? Losing passions, energy, life, friends? Oneself? Can we grow down?
If yes, then what defines us? The empty pit in our stomachs? Our attitudes, our lifestyles, our destinies? Our pain? Our disease? My disease? I don't know.

I only know that I can't feel much more now, but what I feel more, is what 'normal' people would call 'happiness', I think. I look in the mirror in the bathroom at the ED clinic, and I see myself. I see myself, and with that, I see a happier person than ever before.

A MiRROR, DARKLY

2010-11-20T15:44:00.001-08:00

Living is dreaming. The stakes are just a little higher.

-Chris Lazariuk

A MiRROR, DARKLY

2010-11-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

The only difference between reality and fantasy is that we get to wake up from one of them. The fun part is choosing which to wake up from.

-Chris Lazariuk

MY JOURNEY iN THE SUN.

2010-11-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I see myself on a road. I keep going and going. And going. The road I was taking before, I found steady, safe.. Helpful. It was like sledding down a hill; the adrenaline rush one of the greatest I've ever had. I went faster and faster as time progressed and I seemed unaware that every slope has to stop at some point.
But it did. It stopped and I crashed and burned. I realised I was sledding, but it would be safer to walk, maybe. So I walked. And walked and walked. And walked. Then I started to walk a little faster, I started to run. I got out of breath and stopped running, stopped walking, stopped with everything altogether. I wasn't going anywhere anymore; I didn't move at all from my safety spot; it had never felt SO good to just... Stop. And not do anything.
One day I woke up and decided that my journey couldn't have 'just ended'. I realised that nobody's journey should 'just end', so that counts mine as well. I picked myself up and made it; the longest journey I'd ever made, and am still making. I made it to a place where I didn't have to move, wasn't allowed to move even, to continue my journey. Klarman.
It allowed me to make connections between myself, my eating disorders, my treatment, my RECOVERY, and the road I have been on for all of my life.
It's NOT just a road, it's also a change of seasons, a change of heart. It's winter now, the road is slippery. But one day, spring will come, and the ice under my feet will melt under the sun.
It might become slippery again as winter settles back in, but that sun, that warm, comforting sun, will always - ALWAYS - come back out.
Here comes the sun!

i LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS i CAN

2010-11-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that we do not foresee. Things we do not wish upon anybody - even the thought of them merely knowing that you went through one of those things is something that you do not want the other person to experience, so you keep it a secret. A deep, dark secret, that becomes harder and harder to delve up as time progresses.

I have been through various of these things. And I know that I am not the only one who went through these things, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty, ashamed or disgusted.

Several times now have I heard that you have to love yourself in order to love those around you - those who try to love you, over and over again. Is this true? I kept asking myself that question on a day-to-day basis. Well, I thought a few days back, it might not be. But it might as well be very true after all. So why not at least try to love oneself?

Being in an eating disorder clinic in Massachusetts has taught me a lot over the course of the past month and a half. I feel like I already like myself a lot better than I did before, even though I can't quite say that I love myself yet. I am in the process of loving myself, for the sake of being able to return the love that I receive from those around me. The love that I couldn't see (hence, accept) all this time.
The fact that I realise all of this, already says a lot, I think.

I try to look at this process on a day-to-day basis, just like I asked myself if the aforementioned statement was true on a day-to-day basis.
And you know what?

It might be true.
It might absolutely be true.

DEPRESSiON

2010-09-29T22:46:00.001-07:00

Being depressed is all about the inner self; about searching for it, finding it and then loosing it. It is an endless circle and by the time the common people figure that out, it's too late for suicide and they die of age.

You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.

Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?

You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.

And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.

The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.

I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.

This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.

iDAREYOU.

2010-07-13T07:30:00.001-07:00

Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down. You know it's not a good idea to get involved, but it's love, so you do it anyway. You know something bad will come out of it, but hey, it's love, so you do it anyway. You're not meant to be, but you want to be; you just happened. You never know what can come out of it, except for the bad. But when it's love, you get a kick out of it anyway. It doesn't matter how long it lasts, because memories last forever.
I know I'm not one to preach, especially not when it comes to love. But let me ask you one thing: if you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today? If you don't enjoy things as long as they're there, then how are you going to enjoy the memories afterwards? We're all waiting for the One, but what do we do in the meantime? We have to be in our prime for the One, and the thing that most gets us in our prime, is loving. So stop waiting in the rain, telling everyone that passes by you're waiting for the One. And go out. Find people you can love. People that will knock you down, and people that will help you to get back up again.
One of them will be the One. And you will be in your prime.
Now go on, I dare you. Love me.

ONEDAY..

2010-07-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

He put a leaf in the booklet she was writing in, and said:´Now write a story about that, that starts with "And he put a leaf in her booklet."´ She said she couldn´t,- it would reveal too much, because it would be too personal. She wrote stories about everything and nothing, but never about him. She always had him on her mind, though.
She translated one of her stories for him and showed it to him. He didn´t have a reply for anything,- he was struck wordless..by only words.
This girl had his heart and soul, and made him fall in love with her within only days. For some reason, he had a feeling that it would only get stronger as time would go by. She was special, this girl. She could see right through him, without trying very hard. At least that was what it seemed like.
In reality, she needed a lot of energy and patience to see through those beautiful blue eyes of his. She knew things about him that most people didn´t know, nor himself.
But one day, she promised herself, she would tell him everything. And one day, he promised himself, he would find the words to say. He would know how to say ´I love you.´

TIMELEFT.

2010-07-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

And we lose ourselves in each other´s arms. We go to the beach, have a picnik, smoke up, and lie in each other´s embrace. His red skin burns agains my pale skin, as he lies in my lap, and when he turns his head, his blue-green eyes ask me questions about life, death, God, time, sex, and the world. His body wants me, but his head protests.
-What´s the use of falling in love and give your heart and soul to someone who you know you won´t end up with?
But it´s too late now, Romeo and Juliet, it´s too late. You got yourself and the other person in a situation you would rather not be in, trust me.
But for now, let us enjoy our joint on the beach. Let us enjoy the sun, and each other´s embrace.
The little time we have left. My darling, my love.

EVERYTIMEHESMILES.

2010-07-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

There are those little things we love in life. Clean bathrooms, babies, the cherry on top of the whip cream, watching our lovers comb their hair. And watch them smile.
Have you ever watched the horizon right after the sun has set? It reminds me of what his eyes look like when that same sun shines upon his lovely face. He smiles and the world opens up. He smiles and his book opens up,- he tells me stories. He smiles and he makes me smile.
There is a little part between his teeth that´s open,- it makes me want to giggle everytime I see it. Everytime he smiles.
I don´t know what it is that hits me everytime he smiles, but something does.
It´s not love, it´s deeper than that.
I know I fuck up time and time again, but one day I´ll make him mine. I will be right up there in his league, or he will be right down here in mine. I know this, because his smile tells me that whatever happens, he will be there, and won´t let me go.
It´s the wrinkles in the skin around his eyes that tell me that.
Everytime he smiles.

DEFYINGDESTINY.

2010-07-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

We weren´t meant to be, but truth is that we just want to, and that in itself is enough for us to defy destiny.
And now destiny is smiling at us because of that.

It´s like I ran a race, and only won first place.

THETREE.

2010-07-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

´After this holiday you´re never gonna wanna let me go, you know that, right?´ Nina says with a smile on her face.
´We´ll see about that then, dollface,´ Carlos winks at her.
´I mean it, and you know it,´ she says, seriously but also teasing.
´I know,´ Carlos says, and he starts laughing.
They walk to the car. ´I´ll take you places you have never seen before,´ he says as he opens the door for her.
´Which are?´ Nina asks him. He laughs again.
´You´ll see, girl,´ is all he says. ´Now, tell me, what would you like to see first?´ he asks Nina absent mindedly.
´The best,´ she replies. He thinks for a while and then looks at her.
´Ok.´ He starts the car and when he stops the car again after an about two hour drive, he says: ´There you go. The best of the best. For you.´
´Where are we?´ Nina asks.
´My spot. Get out of the car.´
Nina opens the door and steps out. ´Oh my..´ she says.
´I know. It´s the best, isn´t it?´ Carlos says.
But all Nina can say is: ´Oh my.. This truly is beautiful.´ She runs her hand through her hair and rests it on her mouth.
´It is,´ Carlos agrees. ´Hey, I want to ask you something..´
´Wait a minute,´ Nina interrupts him. ´I just want to do something.´ She looks around her and sees a couple of trees standing. She finds the on closest to the edge. She walks up to the ree and climbs it. Carlos watches from beneath. ´What are you doing?´ he yells up the tree.
´Nothing,´ Nina yells down.
Carlos climbs up the ree as well. ´God, the view is even nicer from up here.´
´Look,´ Nina says proudly, with a pocket knife in her hand.
´Oh..´ Carlos looks at the name Nina carved in one of the branches of the tree they were sitting in.
"Carinho," it said. "Sweetheart."
´I love you, Nina.´
´I love you too,´ Nina smiles at Carlos, her "carinho".
´Give me the pocket knife for a sec,´ he says, looking at the view.
10 minutes later, Carlos rubs the branch he just carved in. ´There you go,´ he says, and he grins. Nina looks at Carlos and shakes her head. ´Why don´t you look at it, Nina? It took me 10 freaking minutes!´
´I´m scared,´ Nina says.
´Come here then,´ Carlos grabs her hand and says: ´Close your eyes.´
Nina closes her eyes. Carlos runs her fingers across the latters he just carved.
W..I..L..L..Y..O..U..M..A..
´Yes. Yes, yes, yes!!´ Nina exclamates. ´Give me my knife back, please,´ she says with her blue eyes wide open again. ´Give it,´ she giggles. Then, she starts carving right under Carlos´ proposal. With her tongue a little bit out of her mouth, Nina carefully carves out a single word of seven characters. ´Done. Let´s go.´
Carlos shrugs and climbs down. He holds Nina´s hand as he helps her get down as well. Before she gets into the car, he pulls her back and kisses her. They stumble back to the tree. Carlos tries to see what Nina wrote before they descended, but she keeps him from it by kissing him.
They make love under the tree and as they lay in the shade, in each other´s arms, Nina traces ten characters across Carlos´ chest.
F..O..R..E..V..E..R..
She looks at Carlos and whispers in his ear: ´Forever.´

SOCIALSTANDARDS.

2010-07-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

Isn´t life just a game of forgetting that we play? We all make mistakes and have mistakes made against us. But how many people don´t just wrap those mistakes up and keep going? It´s the ones who don´t that we often forget, and when we do remember them, it´s always in a bad way.
It is more socially acceptable to say that your sister or friend has died of AIDS or cancer, than as a result of an eating disorder or depression. Why?
A depression kills just as slowly and sneakily as one of the other aforementioned diseases. It´s NOT any less common, than everyone thinks it is, it´s just a taboo, a sign of so-called weakness.

´That girl has cancer.´
´What a shame, she´s so young, and such a beautiful person. What did she do to deserve cancer?´
VS.
´That boy committed suicide.´
´He probably did it as an act for attention and the situation got out of control.´

Well, first of all, why would anyone want any attention from YOU, you horrid person? And second of all, what did HE do to deserve a miserable life, followed by a miserable death?
Ever thought of the answer to THAT?

NOTRIGHTNOW.

2010-07-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

I´ve seen it all. The roses, the notes, the excuses... But it all don´t matter. I would sacrifice most anything to be with you, my sweet, my love.
I know we are together, and I kno w you lovem e. But I also know you go around and sleep with others.
Hey, you know, I don´t even care. Not even a little bit. I would only start caring when you would, when you would start sending other girls the same kind of texts as you send me also.
I know that one day you will, but for now, I pray for you not to let me go.
Not right now.

HOLDINGHANDS.

2010-07-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

´What´s the problem with you and Mickael, lately?´ Medin asks me.
´You see, Medin, there are things I know, about Mickael, about us. And those things make me not know how to act when I´m with him. His eyes tell me too much,- when he looks me in the eye, I see everything. I see so many things, every time, and the more I see, the more I know. And the more I k n ow, the less I kn ow how to handle him,- the less I know what to do,´ I say, and I feel tears of desperation well up in my eyes. ´It makes me furious!´ I exclamate.
Medin says: ´That would make anyone furious. But tell me; what is it that you read in his eyes?´
´So many things,´ I cry. ´Like how he feels fragile when someone holds his hand. That´s why he hates it. That´s why I don´t do it. And I don´t know what else to do!´
´Hmm..´ Medin is silent in thought for a while, but then asks: ´What does your heart tell you you should do?´
I snif. ´That I should be with him.´
´And..?´
´And that I should hold his hand and tell him never to be scared again,´ I answer.
´Voici,´ Medin says.

ANALYSETHIS.

2010-07-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

"The world is turning, but the sun and I are holding still. Where did we go wrong? Was it something I did, or said? Or was it you? Tell me! Where did we go wrong?"
Your eyes. My eyes. So many secrets. When will the world stop turning and you give me a reason to live again? We were so happy, you and me. We were the definition of all that love encompasses. So what happened? What went wrong? I wish things would go back to normal. I wish we would make love again, and not just fuck. I wish your eyes would tell me truths again, instead of lies. I wish you would love me again.
"I wish we could start over. How about that? It wasn't you, or me, for that matter. It was just.. What do you call it... It was just....life. I guess." He shrugged. "I don't know what to say or do to make it all work again. I can only think of how we used to be. Perfect. So all I know is that it is possible for us to make it through. Doesn't every couple go through shit like this?"
"Like who?" I asked him.
"Like... David and Sam, for example," he answered.
"No shit, they went through hell. They´re not your regular couple, though. So who else?"
"Erm.. Patrick and Lydia."
"Pat and Lydia never have problem´s- they go to all parties together, make love everywhere, and are basically a married couple. Without all the shit that marriage brings, that is," I said reflectively.
He started laughing. "They go through shit alright."
"How would you know? It´s not like you´re Pat´s best friend or anything," I said. "And I can´t stand Lydia. With that obnoxious laugh of hers and the way she moves her hands when she talks.."
"Why do you think she laughs like that? It´s her look-at-me-I´m-careless-and-carefree-laugh. Means something is wrong and you know it. It´s all fake. She wants people to think what they think, but on the inside the obnoxious laughter you speak of, is only a cry for help," Fredrik looked at me. I said, bored, "Since when have you become so analytical, huh?" I downed my ice tea.
You never analyse me. The one screaming for help, is me. If you´d have paid any attention to me whatsoever, we weren´t in this shit right now.
"Since I´ve been with you," he said.
"Since you´ve been with me," I sounded like a parrot. An unbelieving parrot.
"Yes. You sit here, thinking what to do with me. You stare into my eyes, beggin me why I don´t ´analyse´ you. But I do, Zoya. I do."
What to do now? What to say?
"And now you´re wondering what to do." He laughed again. "You see, it´s easy. Your eyes tell me everything. Your truths, lies, secrets." He paused. "And one more thing."
"And what would that one thing be," I whispered breathlessly. He smiled warmly.
"That we´re going to make it."

DONTPICKUP.PICKUP!

2010-07-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

'What did she say?'
-She said she probably trusts you too much.
'And what did you say?'
-I said she probably did.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm her friend. But I'm also yours. So I said it didn't matter. People trust each other too much these days. I've never seen a love like yours.
'You didn't.'
-Oh, but I did.
'And what did she reply?'
-She ordered another drink.
'And?'
-And got drunk and when home with some guys.
'What the..'
-Look, I told you this before, but I'll tell you again, I'm your friend, but I'm also hers.. She well knows that girls go home with you. Now you know she does the same, except with guys.
'And the fact that I do the same, makes it alright, does it?'
-A little, yes. Hey, I'm only saying that you guys seem to want the same thing. And that's fun. IF you continue going like this, you'll only have... Well, fun. If you want her, you have to accept her and her past. She's ready for you, she's just waiting for you to make a move. Why not do it now?
'Ok.'
I picked up the phone and gave it to him. He trembled a little when he took it from me. Then, he dialed.
'Hey.. It's me again. Can you please call me? It's urgent,' he said, and he hung up.
-That was it?
'What do you mean?'
-I told you she's waiting for you to make a move. Not for you to put the move in her shoes.
'Fine. Watch this.'
He picked up the phone again and pressed the call button.
'Look, I kn ow you're listening. Just hear me out, okay? ... Erm, well. There's no words for this. Except: I want you. I want you, all of you. For me. I want this, whatever it is, to happen. I want US to happen. I'm ready for you, I just hope you're ready as well. And if you aren't... I'll wait. I'll wait to make you mine. Please pick up the..' [...] 'What?'
-What?
'..She hung up on me.'
-What did she say?
'..She just.. Hung up.'
-Yes, but what did she say?
'..She said she loves me.'
I laughed. -See?
I got a text and looked to my left. I giggled a little.
'What now?'
-See?
I pointed outside.
'What the..'
-Look, I'm out of here. I'll be right next door if you need me. Good luck.
I went outside and there she was: my friend Lydia. My friend who actually went home with me and no guys. I gave her a kiss.
-Good luck, I said. I smiled and walked away.

Sometimes people just need a step in the right direction.

LOVETHESETHINGSHAH.

2010-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

000. Name: Camila Maria de Matos Ferreira van Wuijckhuijse
001. Gender: Girl
002. Nickname: Mila, Milly, Camel, Cam, Camster, Camie.. you tell me!
003. Cutest lovebird-name: pancake, pineapple
004. E-mail address: milly_damil@hotmail.com, camila.vw@hotmail.com
005. Date of birth: august 27 1990
006. Astro sign: Virgo
007. Place of birth: Soestdijk (Utrecht, Holland)
008. Residence: the Bronxville, NY, USA
009. Phone number: don´t have a phone here yet.
010. Siblings: Melissa (15)
011. School: Sarah Lawrence College
012. Country/City/Sub-urbs: Country, but close to the city, a little like Sarah Lawrence is to NYC
013. Weight: 58kg
014. Height: 1m67
015. Shoe size: EU size 37/38
016. Eye colour: blue
017. Hair colour: normal people call it brown
018. Pets: Melissa (15)
019. Favourite colour: navy blue.
020. Favourite dinner: Portuguese food
021. What I definitely don't eat: Rat brains or cat intestines.
022. Favourite drink: Bubble tea (from Hong Kong!), Strawberry Margharita
023. Studies: Acting, directing, writing, French
024. Marriage or living together: First move in and then get married
025. Favourite music: Old skool jazz, old skool rock, musical songs
026. Cell phone: Blackberry Bold 9000!
027. Sun or snow: Snow on the landscape and mountains so I can ski, with the sun in my face! Definitely!
028. Dream car: A PINK MUSTANG!!!!
029. Best radio: I don't listen to the radio anymore
030. Best magazine: Nylon!, Australian Vogue, French Vogue
031. Best toothpaste: Toothpaste that works...
032. How late I usually go to bed: 1am
033. Favourite pajama-fabrics: birthday suit.
034. How many children I want later on: 2 I guess.
035. What kind of shoes I like to wear: Pumps
036. Best place to sleep: My lover's bed, wearing his shirt.. Hmm.
037. Favourite song of the moment: I wanna be a billionaire.
038. Relationship: Engaged, but not committed at the moment. It´s a longgg story.
039. Crush of the moment: I miss someone, but my crush is in Portugal, with me.
040. Do I get emotional sometimes: I'm the most over-emotional person you will ever meet.
041. Do I cry when I watch a movie: If the movie is good and I can relate to it, then yes
042. Favourite author: I don't have one, but I like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho a whole lot. Their books make my lives what they are and inspire me in all ways that are possible
043. Typing blindly: Yes, except when I'm eating noodles or something
044. Happiness through money: I don't believe that money equals happiness, but I do believe that money makes some things a bunch easier.. I just happen to be brought up in a lucky way, when it comes to financial matters
045. Nicest people I know: Kunal, Bram. Melissa.
046. How many toothbrushes I have: 2. I don't know why, but I've got 2
047. Behind their backs or in their faces: In their faces. I'm just like that. But when it's about me, I'd rather have it behind my back,- I'm not ready for some truths about myself
048. Most romantic moment in my life: Imagine living in the 21st century and getting a letter on the day you get back from a journey to the other side of the world, from someone who you love, who lives on another continent. The letter you receive, is 5 pages long and on every page, there is at least 3 times mentioned that the person who wrote the letter, loves you, misses you and wants to be with you. The rest of the contents of the letter are about how beautiful you are and the person that wrote the letter, opens up to you. It seems years ago, but this happened to me in november 'O8. I still cry when I read that letter.
049. Piercings: One in each earlobe (: getting another one in my right ear, in the little bulb that´s connected to the cheek! wheeee.
050. Tattoos: a little heart on top of my left foot.
052. Fast or slow: Depends what it's about
053. Sexuality: Bisexual
054. Smoking: yep.
055. Drugs: Erm that just teared me up
056. Alcohol: Yes! I'm not a binge drinker; I don't like drunks
057. What I'm afraid of: Love, not succeeding in whatever it is I want to succeed in, not having enough time.. etc.
058. Favourite city: I don't have just one,- Hong Kong, Lisbon, London, Paris, Maastricht, Amsterdam, so many more
059. Favourite tv series: The L Word, Ally McBeal, Joan of Arcadia
060. Favourite holiday destination: NYC, Portugal
061. Favourite place to go out: Taj
062. Big/Small people: I feel so safe when someone puts their arms around me and they're a bit taller than I am, so I can rest my head on the curve of their neck.. It's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had
063. Nice person I met this year: Kunal Basu, my fiancee.
064. What I do whenever I'm down: Binge eating and puking.
065. Being alone: Love it, but I need people around me the now and then, otherwise I feel like I'm going insane
066. What I want to be when I'm big: Musical theatre artist.
067. Going out: is amazing. love it! love meeting new people!
068. Living together with someone of the same character as mine: It would be nice in some cases, because I know a lot about myself so I know what to do and what not to do, but I think it would ruin the both of us eventually, no matter how cool the person, if there weren't another person living with us (social workers?)
069. What I definitely do not drink: Snake blood
070. Name of future children: Fredrik and Zoya.
071. Relationship with parents: Not good,- I've never been the daughter they wanted me to be. I'm sorry for that, but I can't make it up to them anymore. It's really complicated
072. Driving around in cars: Love it! I love falling asleep in a car and waking up in a different country! Would adore living in the US and travel around a lot in a pick up truck or something.. Would be amazing!!
073. Best feeling in the world: Waking up in the morning, staring in your lover's face, feeling no fear whatsoever
074. Worst feeling in the world: The process of letting go, because the things that you WANT to let go, are hardest to let go of
075. Teddy bear: Egbert, he is a white little thingy and wears red. I've had him since the moment I was born
076. A word/sentence I often use: 'Fuck'/'We ran out of Nutella'/'Darling'/'No, I don't curl my hair' (not joking)
077. Only one question to God: Why do M&Ms smudge when I hold them in my hand for too long??!
078. Romance: I am a romantic,- hopelessly romantic
079. Aliens: I think they do exist, actually
080. Glasses: Yes, I have a couple of pairs.
081. Contact lenses: THANK GOD FOR THOSE!! Not coloured though!
082. Prejudice or waiting to see: Waiting to see
083. Why I'm doing this: I´m bored because I´m grounded.
084. People that hate me: they can say what they want about me, but i just keep singing my song!
086. Why we live: Success, reproduction, survival of the fittest
087. What I do as soon as I get home: pee.
088. What I would never forgive someone: I would forgive anyone for anything. Except for harming my dear ones in a life-changing way (a bad life-changing way); it would drive me insane. Literally
089. What's under my bed: I hope nothing illegal
090. The colour of the carpet in my room: I don't have carpet in my entire house, let alone my room....
091. One thing I can take with me to a deserted island: A little buzzer that would be able to transfer people from one place to the other
092. Who I'd like to be for a day: Idina Menzel, I think.. Just to see what it's like. Or Paolo Coelho; he inspires me immensely
093. Biggest dream: 'I am me' - those words being all I need
094. Biggest problem: I doubt myself
095. Bad characteristic: Very, very, very emotional
096. Addictions: Scratching nail polish off of my nails the second day of having it on my nails (very annoying!!), smoking, falling in love.
097. Love at first sight: I don't believe in 'love' at first sight, but 'falling in love' after having had only a glimpse of another person is definitely possible. Remember that I believe that there is great difference to find between 'loving' and 'being in love'
098. Honesty or one white lie can't harm anyone?: Honest towards others, but not always to myself. Sometimes I lie to myself to feel safer or to delude myself from the real meaning from what other people do and/or say. These white lies are self-protection and self-protection only
101. Cheating in a relationship: It's like cheating at Monopoly,- you just don't do that.
102. If I believe in miracles: NO (:
103. Sports: Dancing! Football (soccer, for the Americans here), skiing (racing), volleybal, badminton, kickboxen, pilates. I hate yoga with every fiber of my being
104. Sports I'd never try: Netball
105. Operations: I'm going to have one on my nose, because it has been crooked and I can't breathe properly and it affects my singing. I was actually going to get an operation about a year ago, but due to certain circumstances, the doctors thought it was better to wait
106. Very dark secret: Yes. Which nobody knows. Nobody, except for me
107. Dreams can become reality: Of course they can. If it's the road you're taking, is your choice, however
108. Colour of my underwear right now: i don´t wear underwear
109. Favourite way of saying goodbye: A kiss on the cheek or on the mouth if I'm really good friends with the people. A lover would be a french kiss,- very gentle.
110. If I'd change my name, I'd change it into: Eveline, I think. I've got a friend back in Holland and her name is Eveline and I've always thought of it as one of the most beautiful names for girls. It just looks and sounds so elegant, as if it should always be written with a feather and coal black ink, on papyrus. Wah
111. Define yourself in one word and one word only: Fibrant
112. Ever been in love,- real love: It still hurts and will never stop hurting. It happened to me once and I'm more careful now
113. Favourite fruit: Mango
114. Favourite flower: Frangipani
115. Supersticion: I don't like black cats. I don't like cats anyway, but if they're black, I just feel like running away
116. Favourite ice cream: Mocca-flavoured
117. What the weather is like at the moment: sunny, 25 degrees. yumm.
118. The last person I spoke to on the phone: Enrique :)
119. The amount of keys I always have with me: 4
120. The person I miss at this very moment: Kunal.
121. Job: none at this moment.
122. Left- or right-handed: Right-handed. Everything that's on my left side is either uglier, shorter or less capable of doing things than the things that are on my right side
123. Sport to look at: Ice skating.
124. Favourite subject in school: Drama and French.
125. My last words will be: ´Do you think I ever was me?´ and I hope the reply will be:´I think you were everyone you could be.´
126. Were Adam and Eve naked?: Clothes had to be invented somehow, right? So I guess that Eve got bored with life and started sewing after grabbing the apple and pressing her teeth through the apple's thin skin
127. Someone I'd like to meet, but who would it be?: Someone who would, miraculously, understand me and want to be with me, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it would be just as friends, as long as he/she understands where I'm coming from, without having to say too much
128. Where I'd get a tattoo: Left wrist is next on the list!
129. Favourite gum: chocolate/mint flavoured.
130. Most gorgeous part of a woman: Depends on the woman. Everyone is unique
131. Most gorgeous part about me: Blue eyes, I guess
132. I'd kill this person: 'Ginny Weasley',- she just pisses me off throughout the series
133. North, East, South, West: South-West
134. Cat or dog: Neither, but I think I'd go for a dog in the end if I really HAD to choose
135. Simple and clear or complicated and blurry: I am simple and clear to others, but inside my head it's all complicated and blurry
136. Funny or serious: Healthy balance there, youngsters
137. Full or half-full milk: half full
138. Reading or writing: SHIT THAT'S HARD! Hardest till now... Erm, I just typed 'Reading', but I think I'm gonna go for writing anyway..
139. Coloured or black-and-white pictures: Depends on what kind of picture they are, but if it would be any picture at all, I'd choose black and white, with grain
140.Sunrise or sunset: Sunset - on the beach
141. Laughing or dreaming: both at the same time
142. Summer- or winter-holidays: Summer
143. Sweet or hard: Sweet
144. Introverted or extraverted: I'm extraverted. Very much so, indeed
145. Inside or outside: Always the outside first,- don't lie, women! I fall for the ugliest people though, so I guess that is proof I don't really pay attention to looks
146. Rebellion or a book of laws: Rebellion
147. Light or darkness: Darkness
148. Chatting or calling someone up: Chatting! I hate my voice on the phone.. It sounds as if there is a bag of kittens and someone is smashing a hammer on it
149. Sneezing or coughing: Coughing
150. Condom or barebacked: Erm. Like better bare, but always be safe, girls!
151. Guys with makeup on or without: Without. You're a guy for a reason
152. Older boyfriend: Very much wanted. Not younger!
153. Love of your life or friends: My love of my life would have to be one of my better friends, so I can't really answer that question
154. Kiss or Hug: Kiss
155. Brown, blonde or black hair: Brown, even though I like black a lot too!
156. Pencil or pen: Pen
157. Black or white: Black
158. Laughing or crying: Crying from laughing
159. Coca cola or Pepsi : Coke is coke, just get over yourself, guys
160. Thongs or boxers: For girls in general-> thongs. For me-> nothing. For guys-> BOXERS PLEASE!
161. Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
162. Pasta or pizza: Pasta
163. Hard or soft: Soft
164. Party or disco: disco
165. Driving yourself or having someone to drive for you: Driving myself seems the ultimate freedom right now!
166. Clingy tv show or a girly chickflick movie: Movie
167. Half-empty or half-full: Half-empty
168. Cremating or burying: Cremation for the win
169. Lego or duplo: Lego
170. Forgive and forget or forgive and not forget: Forgive and never ever forget
171. Strawberries or whip cream: a combination of both!!
172. Belief: I do not need other people to tell me how to believe in God, thank you very much
173. Twelve roses or a sorry note: It takes more than a note and some flowers (that DIE, may I add) for something to pass over. Besides the sorry note, give it some time
174. Cinema or sofa at home: sofaaaaa!!
175. Doing the laundry: How fun! ...nawt
176. Heaven or hell: I believe in a heaven, but I do not believe that hell really exists
177: Spoiling or being spoiled: Being spoiled, hehe
178: Beach or pool: Pool
179. Feet or neck: Neck
180. Jeans or other fabrics: Jeans (or lace when I'm wearing a skirt or a dress)
181. Tank-top or T-shirt: Tank-top
182. Favourite brand: Pierre Balmain
183. Swimming pool or sauna: Sauna
184. Bathing oil or bathing foam: If with someone else-> oil, so you can rub each other in. If alone-> foam, just to enjoy yourself
185. Shower or big bath tub: Big bath tub
186. Simple and complicated: Simple
187. Sex or alcohol: Sex
188. Sex or a movie: Movie and then sex?
189. To speak or to hush: To hush and listen carefully is the better thing to do, but I'm always talking (ALWAYS)
190. Happy or sad: Happy
191. Life or death: Life
192. If my house stood on fire, I'd firstly get out: My lover and me
193. In love right now: yes
194. Virgin: No
195. Longest relationship: Relationship that meant something to me? Half a year.
196. Shortest relationship: First one that ever counted, with Bram: a week. We got together like 6 times, but decided we are just better of just being best friends and nothing else, because it feels a bit awkward sometimes, and considering it feels like we're brother and sister now, that was a good decision to make. First relationship that meant a lot to me and wasn't with Bram was Tim Brown. Lasted for a month
197. Disco with friends and your lover or home with just your significant other and you: Disco
198. Favourite position: Depends on the person
199. Weirdest place you ever did 'it': Cinema
200. Place where you'd like to do 'it' some time: A park
201. Sex before marriage: Is ok, if it's for the right reasons
202. Take away or cooking dinner together: Cooking together! That's so cute!
203. Ever getting married?: I´m engaged! lol.
204. Fastfood or chique restaurant: On a date-> fastfood. Just for fun-> restaurant
205. Is it okay for a woman to have complexes and problems?: Of course. As long as she keeps/starts leading the life she wants and doesn't prevent others from doing the same thing
206. Beer or wine: Wine! WHITE!
207. First thought that came to mind when I got out of bed this morning: I haven't slept for 3 days straight now (this is non-fiction)..
208. Reincarnation: I do not believe in that
210. Pretend to believe in reincarnation-> what kind of an animal would you like to be when yo'd come back?: A cockroach. Apparently their survival instincts are the fittest!
211. Most original way of asking someone to marry you: If I would say that, it wouldn't be the most original way anymore, because I'd have mentioned it before you could have done it. I like the idea of a first date, even though it hardly ever happens and when it does.... It's not a good thing most of the time
212. Heating or hearth: Hearth!!!
213. What's on my mousepad: Kate Winslet. It's the latest Elle from the UK and I always use magazines as mousepads, so yeah.. She ended up as a mousepad
214. Ever kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. I kissed a girl and I liked it!
215. Ever been cheating: No, just no
216. How the hell I got this 'survey': It was on the website of a friend of mine
217. A lot of place in bed or hedgehog-like sleeping: I sleep in the foetus-position, but when with lover, in the arms, because it feels safe..
218. Dream house: An old cottage on the English county or a huge mansion. Not a palace though, I don't like palaces. I love the house the Humphrey's inhabit in the series of Gossip Girl; it's absolutely my thing!
219. What my last dream was about: There were black crows in it and an orange sun, but I don't remember if it was a sunrise or a sunset
220. Most important people in my life: Melissa and the people that I love indescribably much, like Kuanl, Bram.. There isn't one set of 'most important' people in my life, I think, actually.. It's the people that inspire you mostly, that are the 'most important', I reckon, but when it comes to actual influences on you, whether you choose to undergo them or not, are also from family and people that have hurt you in the past. Writers (artists!) like Jane Austen, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Charlotte Bronte and Paolo Coelho dare me to get everything out of life. They challenge me to be the best person I can possibly be
221. Love to do when I'm older: Have a really cute cottage somewhere or a huge house somewhere else
222. Walking on the beach or through the mountains: Beach
223. Proud of: Gotten invited by a publisher in Holland (Prometheus) about me writing a book (ah-ma-zing!) and 99% on a maths test!!!!
224. Regretting: Nothing. Absolutely nothing
225. Often in fights: Nope, hardly ever. Except with my parents.. That's a continuing battle
226. Sleeping with a stuffed animal: I do so
227. Daring: Very
228. Spontaneous: You can say that again!
229. Sweet: Definitely
230. Honest: I'm honest, just not always as honest to myself
231. Jealous: I'm very jealous. It's not even normal anymore
232. Funny: Apparently I am
233. Crying: Quite easily whenever I'm alone, but very rarely with someone around
234. Sex after marriage: Whenever you're ready for it
235. Happy with myself: No, but I don't hate myself anymore like when I did when I was 14. That was terrible.. I have accepted my flaws and even though it hurts to say them out loud or to write them down even, I know that they are there and what they are.
236: Most important in my life: Succes, in whatever it is I want to succeed in. The people I love. Myself, because without myself I wouldn't be here
237. Tidy room: right now, it´s actually pretty tidy! :o
238. Fidelity or infidelity: Fidelity!!

PICTURETIME.

2010-06-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

GOODBYES.

2010-05-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, once again, I wake up in the morning with an intense feeling of GUILT in my git. How long has it been since I last posted something on my blog? I know.. Far too long.
You know, I'm really sorry. It's not as if many people read this blog, but even if there is just 1.. I love that person. I love you, if you're reading this right now. Thank you. In a way you're there for me when things get rough. Like things are right now.

My best friend is dying. He has a severe form of cancer. There might be a cure, but I don't think he's going to make it, to be really frank. I put up a brave face, so I pull him through and get him confident, and also.. I do it so maybe one day I start believing it myself. It started with his smaller intestine, then spread to the bigger one, his spleen, his pancreas, and his stomach. He's the best person I've ever met.. This is not fair!!!
He asked me to marry him. And to go out with him. So I said yes to both (we're supposed to get married in 4 years from now- when I'm done with my undergraduate course at Sarah Lawrence)(still can't believe I got in!). But being with him in a RELATIONSHIP made me so much closer, it's unbelievable. I had to know how he was and what he was up to every single minute of the day. I couldn't bare it. I was so worried all the time; his friend always told me when he was puking up blood and stuff like that, because I asked him to do that for me. It's so painful to see someone you love die, because you know there is nothing you can do about it. You can only try to make it less painful for them than it already is, so what do I do? I break up with him. I feel horrible about it. He thinks I am 'the One' for him and he wants to be with me until I leave India for good, but I just can't be with him. It's so hard.. I want to, but what can I do? I'm leaving on the 5th of June, and then what? He has to get used to me leaving, and even I have to get used to saying goodbye. In every way a person can say goodbye. I'm going to miss him an infinite amount. Not sure I can handle a life without him, but we'll see. Otherwise I'll just come back to India ;)

Anyways. I gotta go sleep now. I have my last 2 exams tomorrow (both French HL) and I need some rest.
I will give some more updates soon (and pictures!).

Love you.

SLC ADMISSION DECISION

2010-03-30T01:55:00.001-07:00

I GOT IN!
I GOT INTO SARAH LAWRENCE COLLEGE!

BRB IMMA GO PARTY AND PASS OUT NOW.

I LOVE THE WORLD.

WARHORSE

2010-02-19T05:07:00.000-08:00

Most beautiful piece of theatre I have ever seen.
PLUS, I had front row seats :D

ALONGTHEWAY

2010-01-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. AMAZING.
I LOVE HIM.

PS he's the reason I'm applying to Ithaca College. Must say hella lot.

ISEEYOU

2010-01-07T03:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday night I had dinner with Rukmini at Soam in Chowpatty, after which I went to Phoenix Mills in Lower Parel to watch the movie Avatar with Bharti and Deoyani. The movie was unforgettable and I'm definitely going to buy it when it comes out on dvd!!!
This weekend I'm going to the cinema with my dad to watch the movie again :)
Here's the song from the end credits, it's incredible:

OHTHEBOREDOM.

2010-01-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

What is your current obsession? Sheesha and Bella's Lullaby.
What is your weirdest obsession?
What are you wearing today? Pink-and-grey ZARA top, dark blue jeans with wide pipes, silver flip flops.
Why is today special? Today is not so very special. Or well, maybe it's a little bit special, because Mike is coming over for dinner.
What would you like to learn to do? Sewing.
What’s the last thing you bought? Pistachio nuts and a falafel wrap. Yummm!!
What are you listening to right now? I'm sort of watching 'Me And My Dick' on YouTube.
What is your favorite weather? VERY cold, but with the sun shining and snow the now and then (big snow flocks, not that pathetic drizzle-snow) or 35 degrees (non-tropical climat though!) in full sunlight and a faint breeze.
What is on your bedside table? Lots of earrings, a little lamp (broken), a zebra mask, a notebook, a pen. That's about it, I think.
What is your most challenging goal right now? Managing my time well.
Who is your favorite designer? Balmain, Chanel and Chloe.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Admission to Sarah Lawrence.
What would you like to get rid of? My hair.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? New York City or Paris. Or maybe Lisbon or London. Ugh, there are too many places to choose from!!
Which language do you want to learn? Italian, sign language, Cantonese (Chinese) and Hindi (I'm teaching myself Hindi at the moment).
What did you dream of last night? I don't remember.
What's in your bag? A scarf, an ankle bracelet, a notebook, a couple of pens, my wallet, and some other stuff, surely.
What's your favorite color? Navy, I think.
What is your dream job? Musical theatre performer, fo sho!!
What are your plans for this summer? Portugal and Holland with my sweetest person in the world; Nick! :)
What is your favorite magazine? Nylon and Lula.
Who is your style-icon? Lou Doillon. Fo'shizz.
Describe your ideal man. There is no description possible here. 'I Am Thinking Of You.'

REASON

2010-01-05T22:57:00.000-08:00

A most beautiful song by Melanie C:

MANYMEETINGS

2010-01-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

I went out with Bharti and Deepak yesterday night. We met with a friend of Bharti's, called Tipu, and he brought along a friend of his, Paresh. We met at Mezbaan in Bandra to have some sheesha and went to play snooker afterwards. I went to Simply Goa for half an hour with Bharti and Deepak in the hopes of being able to sing a song (it was karaoke night!), but the list was full already, so we left.
Here are a couple of pictures of yesterday night :)

EXOH

TRENDBOUTIQUE

2010-01-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.shopthetrendboutique.com/

What a delight!
I've been on this website for ages now, procrastinating from all the work I still have to do for school. Aiyahhh!!

Hope you enjoy, lovebirds! :)
EXOH

FORMSPRINGME

2010-01-03T09:58:00.001-08:00

http://www.formspring.me/icecoldlatte

TATTOOS.

2009-12-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

The one on the lower arm is so pretty.
I'd like one there :)

LOVESONG

2009-12-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

ISABELLUCAS

2009-12-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

THINGSINMYROOM

2009-12-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

MARLING

2009-12-09T04:26:00.000-08:00

LAURA MARLING IS COMING TO MUMBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN I BELIEVE THIS?

NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

BUT IS SHE COMING ANYWAY?

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Check her out, y'all. She's all over YouTube.

CHILDRENTIME

2009-12-09T04:25:00.000-08:00

MORELYELL

2009-12-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

LYELL

2009-12-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

KAT

2009-12-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched the movie 'Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist'. It was a fun movie and I actually don't feel that bad for procrastinating (didn't get to finish my French homework, but I got myself a deal with my teacher, so that's cool :)). My internet wasn't working anyway.
Here are some pictures of the female lead character Norah, played by Kat Dennings.
There's something very pretty about her. Can't quite put my finger on it, but there is definitely something.

TOPS

2009-12-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

A couple of tops that are just ah-may-zing!
Which one do you like best?

FOOD

2009-12-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

Can't wait for Christmas to make these delicious snacks!!!

WITHNICK.

2009-12-06T04:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Niharika's birthday party.
She had a small get together at her house, with her parents being gone.
There was a lot of food and the drinks were nice (I had a coca cola myself, I'm off the alcohol. If you know what I mean.), the music was good and so was the alone time with Nick.

Here's a picture of us together (one of the first!). I look hideous, but I was freaking tired. And Nick doesn't look too bad, so hey, what am I actually complaining about here?

EXOH.

ALICE&ISA

2009-12-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

I was surfing the web, as I had TOO MUCH HOMEWORK to do and I was TOO CONCENTRATED for TOO LONG (I woke up at 7 on a Saturday to start doing work, doesn't that say it all), and I wanted some DISTRACTION. God, my reasoning makes sense in my head but not so much outside of it.. Ah well, heh heh.
SO. I was surfing the web and I found this website where there are a couple of really cute things, for example these two t-shirts I ordered:

The website is called Alice & Isa and it's simplistic and cute :):) Maybe you'll like it, so check it out!

SCHOOLPICTURES

2009-12-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

Woohoo, school photos are out!
Here's one of mine, a little edited.
I couldn't get the text off, because I didn't order any of the pictures.
They're not that good..

CHRISTMAS+LONDON

2009-12-03T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'M GOING TO LONDON!!!!!
Just thought you guys might like to know :):):)
I'm going end January/beginning of February, with some other drama people from school.
We're going to watch 4 plays (of which one musical :D) and go sight seeing and shopping etc.
I'll take lots of pictures and put them ALL up on my blog so you can sort of be with me in spirit ;) Heheh. I CAN'T WAITTTT!!!

Furthermore, I can't wait for Christmas.. I really want to form Christmas trees with Christmas lighting on the walls in our living room, or on the side, in the corridor. It'd look really cosy, just like this:

Looks amazingly cute right?!

WHATISREALITYANYWAY?

2009-12-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

I urge you people to check out What Is Reality Anyway! It's one of the most inspiring of blogs I've come across and you will most definitely love it!!

Here's one of the pictures on the blog.
Isn't she stunning?!

INTHEHEIGHTS

2009-12-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to go see this!!!

BADHABITZ

2009-11-28T02:40:00.001-08:00

I can't stop listening to Amy Kuney's songs. She's an amazing artist. I have to admit that her original songs are by far better than her covers (or at least most of them), but that doesn't make her less amazing.
One of the songs I posted earlier (Chocolate) was the first song I heard by her. Then I heard the song Breaking Bad Habits, which I will include in this post, together with some pictures that represent my mood right now :)

BACKINBLACK

2009-11-28T02:33:00.000-08:00

Two gorgeous outfits!
Wouldn't you kill for the bag and both jackets??!

MONOTIME

2009-11-28T00:48:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm pretty busy with applications, as I mentioned a couple of posts earlier. The part of the process I'm particularly busy with at the moment, is the recording of audition material. It kind of sucks, because it has to be really good, considering they can't ask me to do anything else or to do a certain part over again, as I'm not auditioning live. Bleh.
But Marushka is helping me with the recordings and then her boyfriend Ankit will help with the editing. Then we'll put it on a dvd with a nice menu and stuff and it'll all be good. Hopefully.
Furthermore, I'm busy writing my fake Extended Essay (I've changed it to an analytical paper that's just a tad longer, but not as long as the EE) on two of John Donne's poems (The Flea + The Sun Rising)(love those!), and doing homework I just have problems keeping up with. High School is getting more and more tedious and I just want to leave. The stuff we spend our time doing, is just too stupid for words.
Ah well. I'm almost out of here.
Wish me luck, lovebirds!

Hi Alannah!

EXOH

SOMUCHBETTER

2009-11-18T20:17:00.001-08:00

This is the up tempo song I'll be singing for my College/University auditions!
Hope you like it :)

EXOH.

FINALLY

2009-11-18T19:51:00.000-08:00

THE PICTURES ARE UP!
I'll add some of them, considering there are many... Hahah.

Alannah, I reckon you should just not read my blog anymore. Get your obsessive mind someplace else and do something with it that is somewhat productive. Like....SPEND TIME WITH HARRISON. Considering you're the one who's able to do so, it's kind of your obligation to :S
It's just a suggestion though. Feel free to pain yourself every time you see his name up here; it's up to you :)

THE PICTURES:

GLEEK!

2009-11-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

My good friend Polly and I are setting up our own Glee Club in school, called 'Acta Aquilae' ('The Eagle's Act' in Latin)(The Eagle is the mascot of the American School of Bombay, so that's why -.-). It's like a lame version of.. The Tiger's Eye. But then an alliteration, so kind of cool at the same time ;)

Forever Gleek. How about you?

AFLEAINHEREAR

2009-11-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

So, as I said in my last post, the performance yesterday evening went well. There was a lot of improvisation, but it was a great success and the audience loved it.
Afterwards, many people came up to me and said that I did great; even people whom I didn't know AT ALL came up to me and thanked me for performing for them. It was simply amazing!!
I don't have the official pictures yet, but here are some (edited and non-edited) pictures that we took ourselves :)

LOLCATZ

2009-11-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

Another picture from the West End CATS production.
It's just beautiful to me.

By the way, my own performance of 'A Flea In Her Ear' went well yesterday! Pictures will follow soon!!!

EXOH.

ROSEMARY

2009-11-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Isn't Rosemary Ford (Bombalurina in the movie version of CATS) just the hottest thing you've ever seen?
If I were a guy, I'd know what to jack off to.

EXOH.

SOMEPICAS

2009-11-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of me, myself and I.
The first one was taken just before I came to Mumbai to live here,
the second one was taken just after I came to Mumbai.
The third one was taken tonight; the makeup is for tomorrow's show 'A Flea In Her Ear', in which I play the second female lead :)

CONDOMS

2009-11-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

Please take this quiz if you're a student in either junior year, senior year, or any of the college years (not graduated yet).
It only takes you 3 minutes and if you answer honestly, you help me out massively with my ethics presentation/project!!

Here's the link:
Click Here to take survey

Thanks for the trouble, sweets.

KIKI

2009-11-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been intoxicated by looking at Kiki Smith's artwork. It's the most extraordinary artwork I've seen in a while and even though I don't like everything, I do like a whole bunch of what she's created.
Here's a picture of Kiki herself, which is naturally intoxicating enough:

BLAKE

2009-11-11T06:44:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Blake Lively.
I'm not the biggest fan on the planet of her acting, or her modelling work, but I must admit that the following pictures of Blake are truly stunning.
Stunningly photoshopped as well.. One might actually start believing people could look like this.

If ever.

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy.
Indulge yourself in fantasy, dear lovebirds.

MAPETITESTRUDELDEPOMME

2009-11-11T00:58:00.000-08:00

So, in my opinion this totally rocks.
Imma do it myself sometime :)

It's made by one of my best friends, la petite Soizic :)

BLAWGTIME

2009-11-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

* Your most marked characteristic? Stubbornness.

* The quality you most like in a man? Love of life combined with responsibility.

* The quality you most like in a woman? See above..

* What do you most value in your friends? How they have reasons enough not to be my friends, but are my friends anyway.

* What is your principle defect? I'm too nice too people + anxiousness.

* What is your favorite occupation? The theatre.

* What is your dream of happiness? That it is sustainable.

* What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? Failing at making the people around me happy.

* What would you like to be? A Musical Theatre performer.

* In what country would you like to live? The beautiful Portugal.

* What is your favorite color? I don't have one.

* What is your favorite flower? Fresias.

* What is your favorite bird? Seagulls.

* Who are your favorite prose writers? Paolo Coelho, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, J.R.R. Tolkien.

* Who are your favorite poets? Keats, T.S. Elliott, Seamus Heaney.

* Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Gatsby, from The Great Gatsby.

* Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Paulie, from Lost And Delirious, and Jane, from Jane Eyre.

* Who are your favorite composers? Chopin and Mozart.

* Who are your favorite painters? Vermeer.

* Who are your heroes in real life? My sister Melissa van Wuijckhuijse and Kate Winslet.

* Who are your favorite heroines of history? Elizabeth.

* What are your favorite names? Bernardo, Tania.

* What is it you most dislike? Ungenuine behaviour.

* What historical figures do you most despise? Don John and Iago.

* What event in military history do you most admire? Joan Of Arc's battles.

* What reform do you most admire? Emancipation (especially for women and the gays).

* What natural gift would you most like to possess? The ability to sing and dance less forcefully.

* How would you like to die? Quietly, with the person who loves me on my side. I want to have time and knowledge of knowing what to say.

* What is your present state of mind? Stressed; I should naht be doing this.

* To what faults do you feel most indulgent? Greed.

* What is your motto? I am my own motto.

HASHANDCARCRASHES

2009-11-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I had drama all day long, in the good sense of the word. We didn't really use our time optimally, which annoyed me, but we did have another run-through, which we're in desperate need of, so i guess that's good :)
After theatre rehearsals, I met up with Jarrett (who's a genuine, nice guy) and Nick (the boifrand) and went for dinner with them to Mezbaan's. We had some delicious butter chicken with romaani roti, with hookah (mint). After dinner, we went to Maitreyi's houseparty, where Nick, Sharky and me smoked up a little, but it was really airy, so the effect was nil. Aushim ended up getting really freaking drunk, so of course *I* ended up cleaning up all his puke, and tried to keep him conscious with Nick and Nikhil (and Premal, occasionally)(even Jarrett came to help out the now and then). It was really scary; his pulse kept falling and then coming back again, ugh. This is the one reason I don't have houseparties; this is what's ALWAYS happens- we're lucky even that it just happened to one person, not 5. Ah well.
I'm seeing Jarrett again on Friday, because he's coming to watch my play. That should be fun :) Maybe his aunt and uncle want to come as well :) I'll send an invitation.

Okay, today on my way to school.. I was involved in a car accident. I felt horrible all day long and have a light concussion, but I should be fine in a couple of days :) Pff. What a shit again and again and again -.- Ah well. As long as I'm ok for the performance this Friday!!

WASTED

2009-11-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm going to take out my mother's friend's nephew for dinner. The irony here? Nick is coming along.. He'll have a blast.... -.-
After rehearsals all day long, I'm meeting up with Nick and after that, we'll go to Carter Road to meet Jarrett and have some dinner/sheesha at Mezbaan. Then we're going to Maitreyi's houseparty, which she's having because her parents are out of the country and her birthday is next week on the 13th, but she can't do anything then, because the drama performance is then! So yeah.. Tonight it is....

Here some beautiful pictures :) Can't help myself but loving thinspiration.

"Time spent wasting is not being wasted."

P-P-PARTY.

2009-11-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Some music of The Ronettes, some baguettes, some crispy chicken, some orange juice.. And some love.

And the party is complete as can be + we're ready to rock.

FRIDAYTHE13TH

2009-11-03T17:14:00.000-08:00

The dark holes of depression should not lead the attention to 'dark', but to 'holes'. One can be severely depressed, but manic. It basically means they are climbing their way out of the hole and they're completely hyper at random points, and excessively (seemingly) 'happy'. People who only notice this, think the person is weird.
People who also notice the falling back into the hole, should probably notice in addition that there is probably a reason for the manic's person's behaviour. Falling hurts, so why wouldn't climbing back up? It might be the scariest thing in the world for them.
The fact that someone doesn't hurt him- or herself, does not mean they don't want to. I still write journal entries in my small journal whenever I feel I might lose myself for a second and in rage towards myself do it. The spiral you get into whenever you hurt yourself, is always present in your life. You're just not always in it. It doesn't mean you don't think about it. Sometimes the spiral is so close to you, you could easily reach it if you wanted to, and the problem is..You do want to at times. The trick is to turn around and walk in the opposite directing, which is what I always do (hardly ever anymore, because I hardly ever want to hurt myself :) ); at least when I'm writing about it, I'm not doing it. Right? Right.
Oh, on the same note, before I forget, Friday the 13th it's To Write Love On Her Arms-day. If you do not know what the organisation To Write Love On Her Arms means or stands for, take a look on Google, YouTube, anything really. It's basically a non-profit organisation that supports people who are coping with depression icw self-harm and thoughts of suicide. By writing Love on your wrist or your entire arm, you show your support for those people.

Learn to recognise depression on a mile's distance. It's oh so important..
Ask yourself why you don't like someone. Is it because he's weird? Is it because she just doesn't behave like anyone else you know and you don't know what to think of it?
Think again. It might be because of what I just told you.

Take a stand against self-harm and depression and show your support.
Not only on the 13th of November, but every day of your life.

You only have one life. So do others.

BANG(le)S

2009-11-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

Simply delightful..Let's bring on the bangles again!

OMG201

2009-11-01T04:48:00.000-08:00

I just totally realised how I posted exactly 200 posts the last time I posted something (which was a second ago, to be exact). I just felt I needed a moment silence for this lovely moment. It is a shining beacon of hope for the blog soul deep inside of me. I've missed blogging, quite frankly.
But hey, don't say my last post wasn't gorgeous? I'll kick you in the penis/ovaries. And it'll hurt (that wasn't a threat, just a warning :) ).

Now I've mentioned this great news, I'm going back to college apps.
But !FIRST! some pictures of the past 3 (or 4 even, maybe :/) months! :)

With Vanessa on my last night in Hong Kong. We had a show in Sheung Wan and it went pretty well! :)

I stayed in this hotel room for 2 fucking months. How fun is that?

Singing 'Fever' at a night out with Bharti (my best female friend in Mumbai; she was the first friend I made :) ) and her some of her lovely friends.

Another night out with Bharti and her friends. On the picture with Kimberley and Avinash (her brother). I look so incredibly white....I hope I tan a little. What? Nah. I don't think so either.

On a nice, sunny day with my sister in Stanley, during a short stop in Hong Kong :)

With Nilay and Nick. After getting ourselves completely fucking durrrrtee. Ridiculous. But it was fun.

During our Week Without Walls that wasn't a week without walls because some students decided to be pricks and ruin the trip for us so we stayed in Mumbai for the week, instead of going to Rishikesh. This was a fun day, though.

Ok, this is a joke. But I do urge you to watch A Very Potter Musical on YouTube. It's brilliant and I really really really hope I can be Hermione in the play if we're going to perform it at ASB!!

CINDYCAMPO

2009-11-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

You give your heart and soul to those
Who you believe need to believe
You live your life in a positive light
You come from a place of love
But who gives to you and who believes you in this world of black and white?

It doesn’t matter
Plant the seed
Let God take over when you can't see, because

You should know out of everybody you are really never alone
You should know out of everybody you are loved, you have a beautiful soul
Even in the dead of silence, you are being blessed by what you hear
You should know out of everybody, you should know out of everybody
You are a beautiful soul, you are a beautiful soul

You don’t ask for anything in return
Yet sometimes you get burned
You pick yourself up, cleanse your soul of the dust
You live your life with love
When people take from you, mislead, misunderstand you, you never give up
And that’s what matters
Plant the seed
Let God take over
When you’re down on your knees, because

You should know out of everybody there are signs in front of behind you
You should know out of everybody
Messages from above all around you
They are there just to remind you of the love that stands right beside you
And in those times you seem to forget
I don’t mind reminding you that
You are a beautiful soul
You are so beautiful

You should know out of everybody you are really never alone
You should know out of everybody you are loved
You have a beautiful soul
Even in the dead of silence
You are being blessed by what you hear
You should know out of everybody, you should know out of everybody
You are a beautiful soul

You are a beautiful soul

HAIMUMBAI

2009-11-01T04:22:00.001-08:00

Hey guys,

Knowing that nobody in the world is reading this blog anymore considering I haven't posted anything because I moved to India and got a lot more on my plate than I actually thought I would (college applications, school play [I have the second female lead :D], boyfriend, etc.), I have decided that I am starting anew.

As I'm on the track of applying to universities and colleges anyway, here is my final list. Most of them are in the USA:

-Sarah Lawrence College (NY)
-Emerson College (MA)
-Marymount Manhattan (NY)
-Ithaca College (NY)
-New York University: Tisch of the Arts (NY)
-Eckerd College (FL)
-DePauw School of Music (IN)
-DePaul College for Theatre Arts(IL)
-Trinity University (TX)
-Richmond International American University (London, UK)
-Broadway Academy (Amsterdam, Holland)

Isn't it exciting?
I'm soo incredibly nervous...I haven't bitten my nails off in a long long time, but since 2 months I've started again and there's hardly any left, frankly enough..

Now something about my boyfriend. His name is Nick (Aniket)(I like to tease him with that. He doesn't like the fact he's Indian. Hahah, how about that! First Indian person who doesn't want to be called Indian but AMERICAN!)(Which he IS, must I add..) and he is the sweetest boyfriend a girl could wish for. He's different from everyone else I've ever met in my life. It's something that people always seem to say when they have a new boy/girlfriend, but it's true. Not in the way 'omg I never though I could feel this way for someone,' but in the way that it just makes sense. There is no drama, for the first fucking time in my freaking life of relationships. The only drama is that we're both going to college after graduation from the American School Of Bombay (Kurla Complex, Bandra, Mumbai). Luckily for both of us we're applying to 3 colleges that are the same, so maybe if we both get into the same college..... Ah well. Let's try not to look ahead of time too much.

Talk about boyfriends.. I'm still not over Harrison. Weird, because frankly, he's like any other guy. The contrary from what I thought he was. He was the best friend I ever had. EVER. We talked about EVERything and I never felt weird around him, except for that feeling in the stomach. I wasn't insecure, I wasn't someone I wasn't... I was just..Me. I loved him. I love him. I miss him. He blocked me on MSN (not that it matters, because I'm never on it anyways, because I'm just soo busy, but the two times a year that I AM online, he isn't, whereas he's ALWAYS online)(what am I talking about here :S) and we never talk anymore. We're not friends anymore. I miss that most of all. Not his kisses. But our talking. Not his penis. But our hour-long conversations (that would keep me up nights at a time and would even continue in school d:). I miss it- I miss him.
Did I mention I miss him?
Ah well. Just like any other guy I said. Big jerk. Better off without him.

Herro happiness!

So that's what I mean with Nick being different, I guess. He's worthy of my time and I've never really found a person to be in a relationship with that was actually worthy of my time.. Lol, that sounds so pessimistic about the past, but it's quite true, I'm afraid.

Well, I'm happy. I miss Tiffany fuckloads. I miss my sister (who plays full-time tennis in Florida at Nick Bollettieri's tennis academy at IMG now) even more (sorry Tiff, in case you're reading this)(which you aren't.). I miss Roel, I miss Bram, I miss all of them. We should just all buy a big house (or a small one, considering we're all students and don't have any money xD) and live together.
Seems a great idea.

See you soon, blog!
(My promises weren't worth a lot before, but they are now, PROMISE!)

Cheerio.

MUMBAI

2009-08-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

For the slow people within us (I am allowed to offend you for being slow, because I'm slow myself- this is my first post in 3 weeks): I live in Mumbai, India, right now.
It is AMAZING. I love it soo much.
At the moment, I'm still residing at the ITC Grand Central hotel, but our address is going to be 'Petit Hall, Malabar Hill'. So in case you're curious, just hop on Google Earth and you can see it there (:

Pictures will follow soon.

Lots of love and kisses,
Camilla

WASHING

2009-07-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

I wish it worked.

BALALAIKA

2009-07-19T01:11:00.001-07:00

After an exhausting day of rehearsing for the show on the 6th of August [!!] I looked like a druggie and found myself in want of a strong drink. I called Mingky, because I knew she would be out and asked her where she was. The conversation went something like this:

'Hey Mingks, where are you?'
'Oh heyyy gal!!! I'm at bala's!! Are ya comin'?!'
'Stay. Don't move. I'm coming for 1 drink, 1 drink only.'

And there I went.
Here are some of the pictures that were taken. Susan and her gay brother Joey were there as well and it was really nice meeting him; he's super nice (and super gay). He studies in Australia and he immediately told me about Oxford Street (THE gay street, which, 'of course also has lesbian nights'). I love this guy, haha. Anyways. Some photos. If you look closely, you can see I lost some weight! Yay to the yay-ay!!

WHYCANTIBREATHE

2009-07-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

SENDINTHECLOWNS

2009-07-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

You know that quote that says forget the people who are in the past because there
is a reason they didn't make it to your future?
Yeah, well.. What happens in the future, when those people come back?

I just thought of this after having had my first acting class in a long long time yesterday night. We read a piece from the musical 'A Little Night Music', from Stephen Joshua Sondheim. Fredrik, married to a young virgin bride who can't stand the thought of having intercourse, came back for the weekend to relive his romance with Desiree, an actress/courtesan. At the end of the chapter, there was a song, a quite famous one; 'Send In The Clowns.' Heart breaking, fragile. Absolutely what I feel like right now.
Of course the good times with Harrison had to come to an end and not only in the way that I had to go to Holland to see Roel and had to go to the graduation (which was fun to be at, by the way. Emotional, but fun). But also in other ways.. I'm not going to talk about that in this post; possibly in the next post, though. I have to leave for dance class in an hour and I still have to shower and polish one of my hands. Retard that I am.
Anyways.
Like Sondheim wrote:

Fredrik: Desiree, I'm sorry. I should never have come. To flirt with rescue when one has no intention of being saved...Do try to forgive me.

So what happens?
When two people find out that they belong, but somehow one of the two (or possibly both) is already engaged in such way that it is impossible for that person to become close with the person from the past again, even though he or she finds out that he/she has loved and will always love the other person, what do they do?!
Do they ignore it?
I can't do that. I already told Harrison that. He knows.
I lie to myself all the time. I like ignorance; ignorance is bliss, when it comes to a dreamworld, in which I'd much rather live than in the real world.
But this is the first time I'm not able to lie to myself. It's the first time it's real. It scares me. It scares the shit out of me. But it's real and that means that it's worth fighting for. Right? That means it's worth fighting for, because how many times do you find something that is real in this world,- the real world?

YODADDY

2009-07-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sorrrrrryy for the lack of posts recently!!
I'm on a holiday in Holland, but when I'm back in Hong Kong, you'll have your recent updates again, I promise! (Not that you're missing out on a lot.. EXCEPT THAT I GOT ACCEPTED INTO 2 BIG DANCING PROJECTS, which I cannot participate in, [NEWSFLASH!] because of the fact that I'm moving to India on the 1st of September [NEWSFLASH!])

Anyways.
I got an e-mail from my singing teacher from 3AMI and she told me to sing this song at the summer show: Your Daddy's Song, from the musical Ragtime.
It is tragic. I cried so much when I first heard it.. Truly beautiful..

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
I'll add a vid of me singing it as soon as I have one! :)
Love always,
Camilla

FORHARRISON

2009-07-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

In Holland right now.
Missing shitloads out of you.
I can't believe that we only needed those days to become that much closer.
I guess they only showed us that everything that we already had before we met, was real to begin with, and that made it more real.
The days without you are tedious and pass slowly. I can't believe you mean this much to me.
All I can say, is that if I mean as much to you as you said I do.. I'm not putting up a white flag above my door and I'm going down with this ship.
I don't know why, but I've always felt as if I were living my life in fragments; little pieces, tied together, sometimes with pieces in between missing.
The fragments are mostly songs, that's why I told you that the people I care about are mostly associated with a song, even if I don't tell them. If I care enough about someone, I sing them the song. I wanted to sing you a song, because I cared enough about you and it didn't seem 'right' not to have a song for you, but the song I sung wasn't the right song either. Now, there seem to be too many songs. There are too many things I associate with you, with us.
This is the one that's been stuk in my head since I've arrived in Holland: White Flag from Dido. You should read your personal message on facebook first, however. And maybe make sure that Lanna didn't read that. I tried to make it the least sentimental as I could, so I wrote it on a piece of paper before I started typing. But that didn't help in the end. Normally it does, but with you.... Everything has been different from the start. You're too perfect. We are too perfect.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
or I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I cause nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

And I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

It's not all that great. I like the song, but like I said in the message I sent you (do you prefer e-mails or messages by the way??!): I don't think I'm in love with you. It's just a lot of love. I love you a lot and it grows profounder and profounder. Logically enough, there's a point where you fall in love, but where it is exactly, I don't know. I don't know if it's already happened or it has yet to happen. I only know that my heart is yours, because you are good for me.

For the first time in my life, I have something to live for. Someone to live for.
Someone who makes me happy, who is literally my best friend and the best lover I could possibly hope for.

PUZZLES

2009-06-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it feels like, to be loved and then spit out, just to be chewed on all over again, in order to get spit out again?
Do you know what it feels like, to find a pattern in the kind of people who you're not on speaking terms with anymore (namely: your former best and closest mates)?
Do you know what it feels like, to just lie still in bed every night and wonder about your puzzle of life; to wonder what piece you are?

Every day, I wonder if I'm the missing or the superfluous piece.
Every day, I wonder if I never had enough impact on others to really be noticed or if they just didn't like me good enough to keep me and decided I should no longer bother them.

Every day, I remind myself of the missing piece and the missing peace.
The only thing that gets me through another day, another day and yet another, is the thought that I was someone's missing piece,- That I didn't have an impact on them; that I didn't change anything.
That would make my life unfulfilled and suicide a cowardice.

I don't want to be the missing piece anymore,
I want to fit, finally fit.

So, yes, I pray. I pray to God that someday I'll find out what piece I really am. I pray that others find this out as well. And maybe that'll give me some peace.
I just pray to the same dear God that I'm not the missing piece.

FRIEND

2009-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have a friend.
His name is Harrison.
He lives all the way in Vancouver.
He used to go to South Island School, but left before I got there.
We met virtually, because of his amazing photography, and never stopped talking.
I've trusted him with everything.
Heart. Soul. My entire human being.

He's my friend.
He's in Hong Kong right now.
He's amazing- the perfect person for me to be friends with.
Except that I might ruin everything.
Or he.

He's my friend.
And by being here, I've only come more to the conclusion that what he holds is way more than just my heart, my soul and my being.
He holds the power to tear everything apart. He holds the power to destroy the little that's left of me.

And you know why?
Because he's my friend.
A real friend.

LOVEISGONE

2009-06-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

What is it with people?
If one would ought to describe what love is, most people would fervently agree if one would mention the word 'trust'.
I once read something that would later on become my motto when it came to love:

"Love means trusting someone enough they have the opportunity to break your heart, but trusting them not to."

So love equals trust. It is the key factor when it comes to love: both loving and being loved revolve around trust. So why are people not trustworthy anymore? Did they decide to just wake up one day and stop loving?
It's funny (well.. "funny") how the people you love best and trust most, can end up breaking your heart unintentionally like no one else could possibly even dream of doing.
I find myself writing more: a lot of diary entries and a couple of letters I will never send. The thing about diaries is that they can't hurt your already damaged heart. It's always there for you, keeping your most precious memories alive and the uttermost deep secrets secret. The thing about letters is that they make you vulnerable: you express emotion in them and share a little piece of yourself with the person reading your letter. That's why my letters are for strangers: I don't know them, there is no attachment or bond that can be broken, yet I give them something precious; something no one else has but me. I give them an idea of what my soul looks like.
It's easy to confide in a stranger, both anonymously and identified. Someone out there heard you, knows your secret; you got it off your chest and don't have to worry about getting hurt, because what power does a stranger have over you, really?
I love strangers, because I can trust them. And that heals. I'm only afraid of 'real' friends, because they have that power,- the power to destory you on the inside.
So think to yourself who would be a better friend to love: your best friend, whom you trust and/but of whom you know (s)he is going to hurt you in the end, one way or another (whether it is intentionally done so or not doesn't matter)? Or the stranger, next to you on the bus or in the train, who will keep your secret forever?

I love strangers. They're my best friends, whom I just haven't met before.

2NDAUDITION

2009-06-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

My audition for The Urban Dance Festival was yesterday. It was very interesting, because the type of dance, is 'site specific dance', which means that it is contemporary in the way that it is based on a certain place where you dance. For example on a grass field or in between two walls. You get to think of all the movements yourself in this project and you choreograph the end piece yourself, which is absolutely awesome!
The audition itself was kind of like a workshop, because we were very free in what we did. It was based on the idea of evolving into candyfloss. The first 10 minutes we talked about the characteristics of candyfloss and then the director (Lindsay McAllister) would name certain characteristics and we would have to dance according to the word she'd have said (for example: light, sticky, sweet, melting, etc.).
After doing that, we had to choreograph our own dance, according to those characteristics. The time we got to do it, was about 10 minutes and it had to be 4 times 8 counts long. That's not very long, but it was hard to think of something that was strong, especially in comparison to some of the other dancers that were very innovative. In the end, I think I did pretty well, because my dance was pretty strong :)
After the individual dances, we had to pair up with 2 other people, so everybody would end up in a group of 3. The same assessment was given: choreograph 4 times 8 counts. It was super cool! The girls I danced with were very good and our choreography was very nice, if I may say so. Some of the choreographies were nice, but didn't work well, because the people didn't work well together and some of the others were kinda boring. I'm not saying we were the best, because we weren't. But I am quite happy with how we did. Especially with how I did overall.
Like I said before, I didn't expect to get a call back for just a dance based project, but I did anyway, so now I really want it! :)
The call back is between now and 2 weeks, so I'll be nervous every single time I open my inbox and see I have unread messages, but that's ok. It's all part of it. And besides.. I'll be busy dancing, singing and acting my ass off for the show of the 30th of June and then I'll be off to Holland, where I'll probably won't be able to check my e-mail all that often, because I don't have internet connection at home anymore and I'll be busy all the time anyway. Hopefully it'll all get my mind of it, haha.
I'm so nervous! Let's hope for the best!!

PARASITE

2009-06-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

New entry that I scribbled when I was waiting at the psychiatrist to pay the bill and run away. I had little time, so don't expect it to be perfect, for I finished it on the bus on my way home.
I hope that after you have read it, you will give me your honest opinion and thoughts about it. I am talking about an entire nation of people that is depressed and that wants to be helped, but can't ask for help, because they simply don't have the strength to do so. So if someone you know [or you suspect] has a certain disorder or illness [even if it is addiction to alcohol or drugs, or anything else of that matter] and is being a bitch, just be there for them. Because you never know when you might need those people yourself. Behind every bitch is a broken heart and a parasite that's eating it.

If someone has a disorder, they live with it 24/7. At a certain point, most often just before it gets better, the person has truly become the disorder, the problem, and he or she most of the time acknowledges this.
As they start to learn how to cope with the various side effects of their disorder(s), they learn how to cope with themselves. They learn how to outgrow the disorder, the illness, they have, but because they are able to identify themselves with their sickness better and better, it gets harder and harder to outgrow something that is so very much of their own.
Learning how to outgrow the parasite of your sickness, is often equal to learning how to outgrow a part of the self: outgrowing the characteristics which marked your personality. So where in fact to most people it seems as if the people in 'recovery' are trying to overcome their disorder, where it seems they are trying to let go of it,- they are actually overcoming and letting go of themselves.
Hard as it is to let oneself go, slip away, the person in the process has to stay focused. They are often just as repulsed by themselves as you are by them; to tell you the truth: they are even more repulsed.
So how does one let go? Simply enough as they do everything regular, from breathing and blinking to eating and drinking.

They remind themselves of how repulsed they are by themselves and how repulsed others are by them. They keep mentioning it; out loud, in loud, it doesn't matter. However... There is a contradictory force at work here. Because even though these people hate themselves, they mostly hate how they are not in control over their disease. No matter what you think or what others may think; nobody is in perfect control of their own disorder, that's what makes it a disorder. The contradiction lies in the fact that these people don't know anything before or after their illness; they hate it, but it's everything they have that they know is real. So whilst knowing the parasite is killing them from the inside out, it has grown on them and they are scared-so scared - of loosing it, that it becomes almost impossible.
By mentioning the parasite, calling it by its name, regardless of the tone in which they do so, they are slowly killing it. They are attacking it, whilst honouring it for the last time: they attack it how it has attacked them, and by being major bitches about their own sicknesses to others and themselves, they show the parasite in themselves at the same time as they mark their death beds.

They are scared of letting them go, of letting themselves go, but only by first becoming one with their own parasites, their own illnesses, they can spit them out. Only by remembering themselves how repulsive their disorder is, will they be able to overcome it.

The night is always darkest before dawn.

FORBOB

2009-06-22T03:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a post I 'dedicate' to my dear friend Bob in Holland, who asked for more pictures I took in Hong Kong, because he wanted to see more of my life here, rather than read about it. Fair enough.
So yeah, this post will basically only be pictures that I took.
Hope you enjoy!
Don't hesitate to leave a comment :)
Yours always,
Camilla

TIMETRAVELING

2009-06-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

Always wanted to read this book; I might buy it soon, so I can read it on the plane to Holland (or on the way back or something), because the storyline is just simply magical.. The Time Traveler's Wife.
The movie is coming out soon and for those who haven't heard of it yet (or haven't seen the trailer yet), here is a little yum-bum:

AWARDTIME

2009-06-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'd like to offer this award in the recognition of my dear blog friend The Seeker. She's truly special; one of the sweetest, most caring people out there.
Have a look at her blog; her fashion sense is impeccable!

EXOH.
Camilla.

CAMILLA

2009-06-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

HK

2009-06-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hey!
Some pics I took in Hong Kong, just to show you the places I'm at.
Just 3 to begin with :)

Kowloon
Central
Kowloon Skyline

TODOLIST

2009-06-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

"When she dances, she goes and goes" (song White Houses, by Vanessa Carlton).

And it's so TRUE!
I just want to go out now and dance the night away. Any shoes would do; heels for clubbing, sneakers for underground hip hop or street style dancing, flats for anything casual.. I don't mind where I go, as long as I go somewhere!
Unfortunately, I am flat broke and my friends are all homebound, because of the swine flu outbreak (in case you didn't know: the Department of Health advised South Island School and KGV to close because of the recent swine flu cases [South Island being my school]), so I am bound to stay home too. What is a girl to do?
The Philips-tech savvies came by today, to fix our television. I forgot how much fun i was to Wii. Tiffany came by and she, Melissa and I played Mario Kart for a while. I might set up a work out schedule for myself with the Wii (with the personal trainer program you can put on it, lol). It sounds ridiculous, but even when I do something lighthearted like boxing or playing tennis on the Wii, I get all sweaty and I'm serious when I say that the Wii is a serious workout.
So that's thing number one that I can do (and certainly WILL do).
Second thing I'm going to do, is search more classes here in Hong Kong, for dancing in particular. The last audition really tingled my fancy and I'm thinking of taking up a couple of courses, because: 1. I love it, and 2. I'm good at it, but not good enough to do anything with it (yet).
Thing number 3, is to search more information on Wicca. Not only on Wicca itself, but also on Wicca in Hong Kong. I have noticed that it's even harder to find someone interested in this religion than in Holland and I don't want to have to do all the research on my own; I feel lonely, doing all the research on my own, not talking to others about what I've found out. I don't know anyone whom knows more about Wicca than I do right now, so I can't ask any questions either, let alone join a coven. In the beginning, I thought that being a solitary Wiccan would be easier; you're less bound to the rules and timings of your coven and you can do everything at your own pace (within certain boundaries). But it can be tedious sometimes,- uninteresting, even! And if Wicca has to be put into one word and one word only, it is the word fascinating, not uninteresting.
So I need to do some desperate research on that. I did find a website that suggested the book 'Wicca: a year and a day', which is EXACTLY what I need right now. I'm almost nineteen and I wish to really get into Wicca deeper than I am right now. The only reason I'm not into it as much as I wish to be, is because I still live with my parents and my sister and they all think it's a bunch of bullocks. But when I move out of the house, I can do whatever pleases me, so better do as much research as I can right now, don't you think?

Okay, lovely lovebirds.
It is 10:22pm right now.
I'd better get started before the break of dawn sets in.

EXOH.
Camilla

THEINNERME

2009-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

This is the eighth entry in my diary.
I'd like to share it with you so you might get a broader perspective.
Because that's what I'm trying to do here: get you to be more open-minded and creative thinking.
I have also tagged it as one of 'My Stories', because it's not really a diary-entry. It is more of a little story I was scribbling on the inside of a cigarette pack and then rewrote in my diary.
Hope you're all doing well.
Love and more,
Camilla

Being depressed is all about the inner self; about searching for it, finding it and then loosing it. It is an endless circle and by the time the common people figure that out, it's too late for suicide and they die of age.

You don't know what depressed is. You may have read about it or seen a couple of movies or known someone that was/is depressed, but you don't know what it is.

Being depressed is not sleeping the right amount of nights, long enough to forget how many nights you skipped in the first place. It is not being able to walk a straight line without falling sideways. It is forgetting who you are, what you do and why. It is why. One, big, W H Y ?
Why are you spacing out? Why do you hear voices? Why do people keep looking at you? Why are you here? Why life? Why not choose death instead?
You don't deserve anything. Not even to be happy. So why are you here, wasting space, money, water and food?

You stop eating, because you forget to. Then you continue with not eating, because it just feels so good. And once it doesn't feel good enough anymore, you can't stop yourself.
All you can think about, is yourself, even though you're the last person you'd take care of. Your thoughts mess with your head, body and soul.
You're dying.

And even though you want to die, you don't even see it's happening already. You'd be a lot happier if you'd realise your dying wish was literally coming true.
You make yourself so important by always thinking everything is about you; people looking, talking, not doing anything... It's all somehow related to your tiny spot in this universe. Stop making the world revolve around you; it doesn't, and it never will.
So you don't tell anyone you got raped, because you don't think you're pretty enough for them to believe you. You're anorexic. Bulimic. You have an abortion. You're alone. All alone.

The pain you feel is real. The fact that you hide from it behind not eating or binging, or purging even, doesn't make it less real.
You're depressed; searching for the inner you.

I don't believe in happiness. No, I believe in the moments in between the moments of unhappiness and depression.
You're searching for yourself, which leaves you with the big W H Y ?'s. You find yourself, which some people might want to call 'happiness', just for the sake of it. But then you loose yourself, which makes you unhappy again and the start for the search of the inner you starts all over again.

This is how everything about yourself, except for one thing, always changes. What remains the same, is the fact that you're always changing.

POOLPARTY

2009-06-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

I went swimming with my mother Ivone and my sister Melissa today.
You have no idea.
I hate being in the sun for too long; it feels as if I am getting wrinkles at the spot,- as if the sun is literally drying up my skin that fast. I am terribly white and even though I don't like it some times, I like it most of the time. I think it's one of the nicest things I have, because it's kinda.. Unique? Or something. It's sort of shine through; you'd only know if you know me. My legs are white as snow and my belly is white as wet snow. My face is spotless (except when I'm on my period, as the ladies will probably understand, haha) and I don't want to loose that.
I hate being in a bathing suit or a bikini; I hate showing my body to others in that way,- it makes me feel fragile. I'm not ashamed of my body when it comes to sex, that's different: it's about power and will and movements and it makes me confident. But when I'm out in the open, simply walking around in my bathing suit/bikini, I feel vulnerable. I'm as insecure as a baby would be in a bar.
I hate swimming; I used to love swimming, because it was one of the ways I could burn a lot of carbs with in little time. I used to swim Nationals in Holland around the age of 13/14, but when my anorexia became worse and worse and I weighed less and less, my parents decided that I should give up on swimming (full-stop). I guess it was their way of trying to make me 'better'. Do I think it worked? On the contrary. But that's another story. Nowadays, I just simply can't stand the idea of swimming; all those countless, endless, useless laps that I've swum and that I'm supposed to swim again (to get my physical shape for dance better)(a goal I set myself, how'd you know?).. It just gets to me. I used to love it. Why can't I love it again?
Especially after today, after having spent that quality time with my mom and my sister, I wonder why I just can't switch on the button that makes me like swimming again. It was obvious that both my mother and my sister liked the fact that I was with them for once, but I felt super uncomfortable.
Sigh.
And then..The camera appeared out of the nowhere.
And then..There were pictures.
Now, for the people that haven't got a clear image of me: I do not appreciate it when people take pictures of me. Especially candid shots. I get snappy and try to over-act everything I do, simply because of the insecurity.

Nevertheless, here some photos (for bigger images, just click on them). Isn't my sister a real beauty?
Melissa (SO PRETTY!):

(Being her silly self):

(More of her inner being):

Me (can you see the dancer in me? Always dance poses, haha!):

(More dancing in the air):

(Proof of why I hate bathing suits/bikinis + photocameras):

WHOAMI

2009-06-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

It happens gradually and then one day, you wake up,- afraid that it might be the first day of your life.

I don't know why, but ever since I've been taking the pills that make me feel better (because, yes, they do make me feel better, even though I still have my ups and downs, of course), I have lost the idea of who I am (and was). I feel like I have to start all over again, choosing characteristics for myself, choosing flaws, choosing virtues.
It may sound weird, but if nothing's wrong with you, you seem kind of boring. Don't get me wrong: I have friends whom are happy almost all the time (or at least they seem it). I would do almost anything to have even one day of my life that seems so careless and free as theirs. But to live a life without any flaws or disorders.. It seems.. Empty. Where is the balance of good and bad? Where is the emotional balance?

If the disorders I am struggling with right now somehow disappear and won't be a part of me anymore, I have no idea of what will be left.
Who will I be? Who was I before the disorders? Who was I before my life became such a mess?
Sometimes I get a glimpse of something that happened and I remember how I reacted to it; it was such a long time ago and I reacted so different to everything, that I don't know if I can change back.
I simply forgot how it was to act the way I acted back then. Can people change back? Or do I have to change forward? If it's the second one: how do I do that? How will I know if I've moved on from something? Will I ever move on, or just hide everything like I've been doing all my life?

I guess that from now on, I'll be rearranging my DNA and will choose my virtues and flaws. I'll be true to myself, as far as I know who that person is. I'll be honest.
I'll be jealous, too dependent on others and over-analytical, but I'll also be caring, talented and smart.
I'll be me.